


Clandestine Meetings & Longing Stares

by immortalbanner



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Catholic Guilt, Everyone Is Gay, Homophobia, Inexperienced Joe | Yusuf al-Kaysani, Internalised Homophobia, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani and Nicky | Nicolò di Genova are in Love, Lesbian Nile Freeman, Love at First Sight, M/M, Minor Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Mutual Pining, NSFDC, NaNoWriMo 2020, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Has Catholic Guilt, Nile Freeman & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Friendship, Priest Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Religious Guilt, Secret Relationship, Virgin Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, also they switch for sex, alternative universe - no powers, art history professor Joe, as in: not safe for devout catholics, but it's mostly nicky who tops, it's about the yearning, why is that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 97,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalbanner/pseuds/immortalbanner
Summary: “I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. We… we can’t exactly ‘see where this goes’.”He stared back at him, half of his mind waiting for the ground to swallow him up. “Let me guess. Married?”His expression softened as he shook his head, a genuine look of guilt crossing his face.Oh fuck. Not again. “Straight?” His voice came out in a croak as he asked.He didn’t move his head this time but the ‘no’ felt unspoken. He was ready to hear he was just plain not interested.“I… I’m a priest.”
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 302
Kudos: 633





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, so okay. Hi. Here’s the long au fic where Nicky is a priest that no one asked me to write. 
> 
> I want to get some things out of the way quickly.
> 
> I wrote most of this for Nanowrimo and the fic is about 1/3 edited from when I am posting. I will be posting every other day while I go through and edit the rest as well. I was planning to wait until I was done but I'm impatiant. 
> 
> I want to get my own experiences of religion out of the way for full transparency. I was raised Catholic but in a casual way. I guess I’m technically a lapsed Catholic(?) because I went from baptism to confirmation and I’m an atheist. This also very much means I am Not Muslim, so with that in mind, I’m very open to any criticism or concerns in regards to how Joe is written. I do personally think Joe (and Nicky too) in the film isn’t religious anymore and decided to write him as someone who still identifies with the religion without practicing. I am willing to hear any criticisms in the comments if I unintentionally write something outright offensive, so please inform me. 
> 
> I should also point out that I know next to nothing about academia, especially in the UK. I’m Australian and dropped out of uni in my third year. So don’t expect accuracies. Being Australian also means I favoured Australian English in a lot of places, which if you don’t know is mostly a blend of British-English and American-English. So, I guess keep that in mind with some words that are definitely not used in British-English.
> 
> This is. Long. Probably, definitely, too long. But you know what? What else is new for me right? 
> 
> There is eventual smut and I structured it like in romance books (re. Romance books, not erotica) so they’re explicit but mostly serve a purpose to the story and character development. I rarely write sex scenes (and like, am a lesbian) so I hope they turned out okay. 
> 
> I want to put out a trigger warning for internalised homophobia too. I feel that might be a given but I still wanted to address it anyway. There’s discussions on both Nicky and Joe’s experiences through religious guilt.
> 
> I am very happy with how this has turned out. I enjoy this trope and I noticed that all the other fics with this trope were one shots. I’d been craving a long fic of it so I put it up to myself. 
> 
> Happy reading and stay safe!

“You look like death.”

Joe gave Andy a playful glare as he sat down across from her at the university café. It was mostly quiet at this time of day as most students were either in class or the library. There were a few people sitting behind laptops or their phones.

Joe had always liked this café. It had always felt calm and familiar, which was how it ended up being his and Andy’s lunch spot on days where their schedules allowed them to meet up with ease. It was the smallest dent into his lack of a social life. Although Andy would probably argue it didn’t count as they were still at work.

“I was up all night grading first year papers. I fell behind and then next thing I knew I was drowning in it,” Joe said, rubbing his eyes with his index finger and thumb. At this point his dark under-eye circles were constant. He had at least kept up with keeping his beard and hair neat. He might as well keep the one thing he had control over to keep him from looking like a complete mess. Although there were some days he was tempted to shave off both to have two less things he had to do.

“How has your day been?” he asked after he ordered a coffee and sandwich.

“Okay. I’ve mostly seen my PhD students today. Some are actually pretty decent.”

He smiled a little. Sometimes he pitied her PhD students, although he’d seen her make pretty great historians out of them in the end. He always took the route of kindness but critical. That sometimes lead to Andy calling him too soft. He’d always shrugged it off and told her that was the approach he’d preferred. His time as a PhD supervisor was much shorter than hers but he’d had helped plenty of people gain their own doctorate with the help of what he liked to think were pretty well written dissertations.

They talked casually for the rest of their lunch. Which mostly consisted off Andy updating him on her wedding details and Joe talking about his less than active social life. Most of his days was staying at work late, getting a few hours of sleep, and repeating it all the next day. His friends usually told him he had to take a break but he liked being a workaholic. He probably wouldn’t have a real break until Andy’s wedding. Or his annual leave. Even when he wasn’t grading papers or preparing lectures, he was typically doing his own research and writing papers of journals. He wanted to make a name for himself as best he could. That meant working twice as hard as many of his colleagues. The sector was white and heterosexual enough to begin with, and even if he was one small queer brown voice, it was better than not being there at all.

“Were you going to Quỳnh’s art event?” Andy asked, finishing off the last bit of her coffee.

“The charity thing? Yeah.” It wasn’t like Andy would let him miss her fiancée’s event. Quỳnh was a pretty prolific sculptor and she was selling some of her work to raise money for local queer charities in London. He always enjoyed going so he could egg on the rich people by bidding high amounts on Quỳnh’s works. He had yet to actually pay for one of her works.

“Great! Make sure to look pretty. Nile and Booker have yet to get back to me.”

He snorted. “I’m sure they love Quỳnh but no one likes being around snobby rich people. Even if they have at least some good taste.”

Her lips flickered into a smile. “Look, I love Quỳnh and her art but we both know rich people only buy them because people bidso high. Make sure to make a good starting bid.”

“Don’t I always?”

After they finished eating they said their byes and he walked to his office. He had a lecture later that day on Islamic Art. It was his personal favourite class to teach although he was still bitter the university let it remain an elective rather than part of the core curriculum. He was glad he could at least teach it. The students he would tend to get were so passionate about talking about the topic that it made it worth it. One of these days he could sell it into the main curriculum for art history students.

He was in office for an hour when Booker stopped by. He didn’t bother to knock, those kind of manners died after a year of working together three years ago.

“Hey, I’m glad I caught you,” he said after closing the door and sitting in the comfy armchair on the side of the room. He brought that in when he’d started advising PhD students. He thought it made the place look more inviting. It usually took at least five sessions for a students to feel comfortable with sitting in it though.

“This is my office, Book,” he said, glancing up from the email he had been writing to Merrick. The man was once again including him in an email chain about the allocation of funds into the medical department and how there ‘had to be’ funds from the humanities department that could be spared. He’d have to remember to be extra passive aggressive the next time he saw him. “Need anything?”

He had already put his feet up onto the small coffee table, barely missing the small plant and stack of poetry books. “I’m guessing you were going to Quỳnh’s charity thing?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“You just love fucking with rich people.”

“I love getting them to give more money to queer charities, yes.”

Booker laughed before shaking his head. “I’m glad you’re going, you do need to get out more. Which is why I’m here…”

He stopped himself from letting out a long groan. “Booker—”

“Hear me out! He’s really nice and smart. He works in tech in the area of security—”

“I’ve told you a million times I don’t need you to set me up. Not just that but you’re absolutely terrible at it. You just throw any man you think I’d be vaguely interested in at me.”

“Hey, I’m not that terrible. And out of the two of us, who is married?”

He rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t mean you could find someone for me.”

It had been like this for a while. When he started staying late nights, Booker had started to try and get him out by setting him up on dates. That wouldn’t be a problem if there wasn’t something wrong with every man he had been set up with. Andy loved calling him picky for it but it really wasn’t his fault if he didn’t feel a connection. Those kind of things didn’t come easy for him, and especially didn’t when Booker sent a new man his way every other month.

The thing was though, he was thirty-three and hadn’t had a long term relationship. He was actually pretty okay with that, he knew not everyone was expert in the area of relationships before entering university. He hadn’t realised he was gay until his second year of university, hadn’t ever bothered to date girls, and became too busy with getting a Masters then a PhD to even consider a relationship an option. The cumulation had made him mostly inexperienced in the area of dating outside of some non-exclusive dating. Nothing he could call a relationship. Something he had to disclose if he saw someone more than once. He avoided it during first dates, especially when he didn’t feel any sort of spark. He wasn’t embarrassed by it but that would lead to a conversation on preferred boundaries. Most people his age have had at least one long term relationship, if not a few. He didn’t want to date anyone younger than thirty so finding anyone with a similar level of experience would most likely be impossible.

Booker did his best to help out because Joe did desire a relationship eventually. At heart he was a romantic but he was what he liked to call a ‘selective romantic’. He reserved the kinds of poetry and thoughts he could come up with for when he was really in love. He’d had strong feelings before but being in love had only happened one time before. He’d been straight and after that, Joe tried his best to not emotionally invest in men unless he knew for sure it was possible for them to return those feelings.

He was a big believer in love happening to a person. He knew at the end of the day the right person would show up when it was the right time. He just wasn’t sure when that right time would be.

Booker, and to a lesser degree even Andy, offering to set him up with their friends wasn’t going to help. Booker had told him a long time ago Mr. Right wasn’t going to just walk into his office one day and offer himself up. Joe usually stopped bothering to talk about it when the conversation would come to that.

Booker leaned over his lap. “He’s going to Quỳnh’s event. You could at least talk to him. I’m not going to make you take him out to dinner or anything like that. But I think he’d be good for you to get out of the house. You don’t have to go out buying rings yet.”

He glared at him but sighed. “Fine. I’ll talk to him if it makes you happy.”

“And if it works out then maybe then take him out to dinner. How about that?”

“No promises. Hopefully I don’t taint this friendship if I never see him again.”

Booker gave a wave of a hand. “James is more of an acquaintance, he knows Adele better than me.”

He raised a brow at the mention of his wife. “How so?”

“She knows someone he knows, that’s all.”

He could already guess Booker was hiding a very important detail. He could try to ring it out of him but he wouldn’t put much effort into whoever this James guy was. He wouldn’t even ask for a picture. Sometimes that felt like a step barely above online dating, which Joe had an intense hatred of.

“I wish you were the type who would at the very least try to get laid out of this,” Booker said, leaning back in his chair. “You’d be a lot easier to set up. Do you know how many men would be more than happy to jump your bones?”

“I’m a romantic, so what?”

“Nothing. It makes you you. But sometimes, just try to get laid. Not everything has to be roses and poetry.”

“To you, at least.”

He shrugged. “Hey, it’s why we love you.” He stood up. “I have a tutorial to get to. I’ve been teaching the young minds about the Illiad.”

“Fun. Anyone point out the homoeroticism between Patroclus and Achilles yet?”

“Of course and they will always remain my favourites. See you soon.”

“Bye.”

He watched the door close and fell against his chair with a sigh. He stared at the ceiling for a few moments.

He knew he could take Booker’s advice and just sleep with James even if he was at least attracted to him. He was sure most people in his situation would do that. But he’d never been a casual person, which was why non-exclusive dating never lasted. He always wanted more and the chance to fall in love. He prided himself on knowing his feelings pretty well. Sometimes it was what men liked about him.

He hadn’t ventured into casual sex for the simple fact that he wasn’t the kind of person who could let go easily. He knew if he’d slept with someone, he’d want to stay the night and to cuddle. He’d want to make them breakfast in the morning. He’d want to take things slow and taste and touch and feel them as much as possible. He knew that wasn’t what people looked for in casual sex and one night stands. People only wanted that thrill of that one night and forgetting the face as soon as it was gone.

He’d completely written off one night stands. He was old enough that he could wait until a relationship.

Hopefully James wasn’t another failure of a date.

* * *

“I’m taking you out,” Ramla said, barging into his flat without so much as knocking.

Joe pulled his eyes away from the papers he was grading to glare at his sister. “I gave you that key for emergencies.”

“And you told me you weren’t going to overwork yourself.” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

He sighed, trying to not drop his head into his hands. “I need to get these graded soon. I will leave the house for more than work when I’m done — and I am going to a friend’s charity even soon.”

“The sculptor friend?”

“Yes. Might have a date too if Booker has any say.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes, taking a seat on his couch. “Why do you even let them set you up if you never even put in effort on the actual date?”

“Who said I didn’t?”

“You’d have a boyfriend by now if you did. But it’s not even about dating, I do think you work too much. I worry about you.”

He smiled. Out of his three siblings, Ramla was easily his favourite. She was a couple years younger than him while his brothers Karim and Hamza were both older than him. He loved all of his siblings but he’d always been closer to Ramla.

Although she could be a little overbearing at times.

“You’re sweet but I’m fine, I mean it. I like my job, I’m even tenured. I didn’t spend all that time on the verge of a breakdown writing my thesis to not still work hard.”

“Oh god you were the worst back then. I was worried you were going to starve to death.”

He laughed. He’d gone through more than a few long periods of not even eating and fueling himself on caffine. He distinctly remembered Ramla coming in the middle of the day to find he hadn’t eaten in twenty-four hours and insisted on making him something to eat. He’d made a joke it shouldn’t be different from Ramadan which he was pretty sure she almost chastised him for. At the time he had still been practicing and he had definitely forgotten to eat after sunset while working on his thesis.

“And I survived, right? So please let me work. I actually do need to get all of this done.”

She frowned. “Fine. But seriously, come to dinner anytime you like. Aziz likes you, you two could be friends easily.”

He gave her a small smile and a nod. He did like his brother-in-law too. He didn’t know him as well as he would like since Ramla married him when he’d started working at the university and had been far too busy to make small talk. He at least made his sister happy and that was enough for him.

He was the only unmarried one of his siblings. He parents had made plenty of pointed comments about marriage after the UK had legalised same-sex marriage. Which was a lot to say for parents who still hadn’t told their own parents that their grandson was gay. His mother had told him that it was for the best to leave it until it was necessary for them to know. His grandparents lived in Tunisia and they still saw the mere concept of being gay as something the West had invented from what his parents had told him.

He’d leaned to live with that but that didn’t mean it frustrated to no end any less. As far as he could tell, he might have to ease them into it when he met someone he’d wanted to marry.

“Speaking of, have you eaten?” Ramla asked.

“I ordered something to eat. Don’t worry.”

She sighed and shook her head. “How many papers do you have left?”

“Four.”

“You could put what you ordered into the fridge and we can go out for dinner.”

He gave her a wave. “I told you, it’s fine. You have work tomorrow anyway, don’t you?”

“I have a twelve hour night shift tomorrow, I’d actually prefer to stay up late.”

“Ramla, please. I mean it when I say it’s fine. Maybe this weekend we could go somewhere. You could even come to the charity event.”

She scrunched her nose. “No way. Rich white people give me anxiety.”

He gave a small laugh. “That’s fair. I just go to help Quỳnh sell them for a lot. Rich white people are really easy to fool.”

“She is a good sculptor, I don’t think she needs you making rich people bid more.”

“It’s still fun.”

She smiled a little and shook her head. She stood up and stretched her arms over her head. “Well, if you really want to just work then I’ll head home. Remember to eat too.”

“I will. Drive safe.”

After she left, he shuffled through his last few papers and let out a sigh of relief when he’d graded the last one. Ideally he’d grade papers in his office but if he did he’d end up staying far too late.

Maybe Ramla was right that he worked too much.

He thought about that date Booker had for him — James he remembered — and how maybe he should at the very least try to put effort into that date. Maybe he’d be fun. Maybe it’d just overall be good for him to enjoy his date. He knew Booker only did it because he wanted him to have some sort of social life, not even to particularity fall in love on the way. That was too idealistic.

He moved to his room and decided to draw on his iPad for a while. It was his preferred way to unwind. He was still getting into digital art but he didn’t like hauling his sketchpad and pencils into his bed. He put on some background music and focused on his art, only getting up when his food arrived, which he ate in bed before falling asleep with his iPad on his chest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I... didnt't expect such a big response on the first chapter. I'm so happy you guys are excited to see where it all goes! *insert honey you've got a big storm coming gif*

Nicky woke up to the sound of Bruno playing that shark song.

He groaned and put his pillow over his face. The music was irritating but he took the high road of being a good uncle and not making him shut it off. He curled onto his side and tried to block it out while he heard the sound of Bruno jumping around the lounge room.

If anything, that was his cue to wake up. He had to get to the church in an hour anyway.

He quickly got dressed in his clerical clothes and walked into the lounge room to see a mess of crayons around Bruno while he held Maria’s iPad in his lap.

“Buongiorno, Bruno,” he said and walked to the kitchen to make a strong cup of coffee.

He looked at him with a grin. “Good morning, Uncle Nicky!”

He tried not to sigh at his English. He knew he’d grown up in the UK and would never be as proficient in Italian as a native speaker — thank you so much for never letting him learn, Nathan — but he tried to use as much of it around him so he never lost that side of himself. Maria had told him she didn’t want that either but she was always too busy with work to put in the effort.

Maria was in the kitchen and he saw that she was preparing toast. He gave her a tired smile. “Good morning. Is that for Bruno?”

She nodded, setting aside the plate. He scrunched his nose when he saw the it was marmite. “Maybe it’ll get him to shut off that song,” she sighed. “Do you want anything?”

“I’ll make something up for myself. I need to get to the church soon, I’m doing confessions.”

“Sounds fun. How do you even handle keeping in what they tell you when it’s especially interesting?”

“Because I took a vow, Maria. And gossip is rude.”

She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Sure, Nicky. You think you could take Bruno? I needed to get a lot of work done today.”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t want to leave him where I can’t see him.”

“He can’t even sit in the booth with you?”

“Maria. I know I said I’d help but I’m not a miracle worker.”

She seemed to avoid the obvious joke that he was a priests so anything was possible. Her shoulders deflated and she sighed. “I know. It was worth a shot. Four years olds are impossible to deal with sometimes.”

He gave her a sympathetic nod.

He hadn’t ever planned on leaving Italy in such a way. He’d done work abroad before but he’d never leaned right into moving. Italy was his home and before he’d spent time in the US his English was barely passable whenever he spoke it. His accent still coated his voice whenever he spoke it but he had improved vastly in the past few years. Even if he didn’t use it all that much.

Moving to the UK had been for no one’s sake but Maria’s. She had divorced her British husband and instead of moving back to Italy she’d decided to stay because she loved her job. He could forgive her for that but her ex-husband Nathan leaving her without so much as a second thought made him sick. It had only been recent and all Maria had heard from him were routine child support payments.

Nicky kind of really hated Nathan.

He stood up. “I’ll grab something to eat on the way to the church.”

The church was a short walk from Maria’s place. He was able to get out of cohabitation and clergy houses thanks to Maria. He’d always hated living with other priests so it was nice he didn’t have to do it again for the foreseeable future. It also meant that he barely knew most of the other men in the parish which wasn’t something he’d complain about. The UK wasn’t permanent and he should be back in Italy soon. Just until Maria could handle things on her own or when Bruno was a little older. He didn’t see himself staying for his teenage years or even his older childhood years.

He grabbed a sandwich from a café he found he liked and a coffee. He did his best to not be a coffee snob about the UK’s attempts at espresso. Which he had so far failed miserably at.

The church he now worked at was relatively small, even in London. He liked it and was glad he was able to be moved to one like it. He’d always enjoyed churches like this, it reminded him of the one he grew up going to in Geona. He loved the familiar faces and the kindness that people had when they were within a house of God.

He also knew this church in particular prided itself on being more progressive. At least, he knew it was one of few churches that didn't insist it was a sin. They still couldn't perform marriages but he knew that the priests there would if they were able to.

He tried to not think too much about it. It at least told him he wouldn’t get kids coming into confession on the verge of tears to tell him about their own desires. He wouldn’t have to sit there and think of the right things he could say that wouldn’t feel like a lie or what it had felt like to be in their same position.

“Father Nicolò! Good to see you.”

He smiled at Father Adam. Out of all the priests, he was probably his favourite. He was older than him, probably getting close to passing most duties onto the other priests. He did mass most of the time but Nicky knew Father Luke desired to take that role. Nicky would be fine even just taking Saturday night mass and doing communion on Sundays.

“Good morning, Father Adam,” he said with a bleak smile. He was still waving off his sleep. “How has things been this morning?”

“Very good. There are a few confessions booked today, so if you want to already go into the booth and get ready then be my guest.”

He nodded and walked further down the pews. There were a few people already sitting around, some praying or lighting candles for loved ones. It was peaceful which was another reason he liked the church so much.

He sat in the booth and for the next few hours listened to confessions. Most were the smaller scale things, some people feeling guilty about the smallest things — “I know I shouldn’t have been so stubborn when she found my keys where I said they weren’t but my pride ate me up” — but there was nothing he had to be concerned about and even better, not call the authorities on for.

When he left, he pulled out his phone and smiled when he saw Nile had texted him.

Nile: _are you at the church? I still need to see my favourite priest._

He laughed at the message, shaking his head slightly.

Nicky: _I just got out of my confession duties if you still wanted to meet up. We can get coffee._

Nile: _yay!!!! I love hearing you be a coffee snob_

Nile came to the church soon after. She was dressed like she had barely gotten out of work. Her hair was in a natural curly state and she was waring black pants with a plain red button up.

“Hey, how was your day, Dr. Nile?” he smiled when he gave her a quick hug.

“Great, Father Nicolò,” she beamed and they both laughed at their formalities. “This place is so nice! Almost as nice as my church in Chicago.”

“Glad you like it, I think it’s really nice. Maria is mostly why I was able to get it.”

“You should swing by my church eventually. It took me forever to find one I liked.”

He smiled. “I’ll catch a service with you first chance I get.”

They walked to a small nearby café, a different one to where he had went that morning. Nile had promised him the coffee was good.

He had met Nile when he had been studying abroad in the US. He was doing his Masters in Theology and Nile was still doing her Bachelor in Art History. They spent a lot of time together and had become pretty good friend since they were only four years in age difference. They had kept in touch when he had gone back to Italy, Snapchatting and texting each other constantly.

Now Nile had a shiny PhD in Art History working at a UK university. He had finished his Masters with going into seminary to become Father Nicolò. He didn’t feel that different from who he was a mere few years ago.

“How have things been? I know things were hectic when you moved,” Nile said over her cappuccino.

He shrugged, taking a sip of his double shot espresso. “It’s been okay. I like the new church but I don’t know anyone who I’m either not related to or isn’t in the clergy. And you. It gets a little draining.”

She nodded, licking the froth off of her lips. “Making friends in a new country is almost impossible unless you know where to look. I’m glad I did my PhD here, it gave me the chance to get to know people. Plus, I started working at where I got my PhD. My old PhD adviser sees me as a friend now which is cool. He introduced me to some of his friends that work there too so I lucked out.”

He laughed. “Work friends becoming actual friends, I hear, is pretty great. How has teaching been going?”

“Good. I’m still on a contract though, one of these days I will be senior staff.”

“One day,” he agreed with a grin.

“Actually, speaking of friends,” Nile said, leaning forward slightly. “My friend Andy, her fiancée is doing this charity thing. She’s a sculptor, a really prolific one, and she’s selling some of her work to donate to various charities. Queer charities, y’know?”

He nodded slowly. “Okay, and?”

“I think you should come. It’s on a Friday so it shouldn’t interrupt any Priest duties. You don’t have to bet or anything but it’ll help you meet some new people.”

“No one really invites priests to parties, Nile.”

“Charity, Nicky. Come on, it’ll be fun. Me and my old adviser love laughing at the rich people.”

“I’m sure you do. I’ll sleep on it.” It was only Wednesday, he had time to decide in the end.

Overall, he’d never been a social person. He was a little shy at times and sometimes gave the wrong impression as he came across as cold to most new people. That had been trained from hiding his emotions in times that called for it. Sometimes that meant people thought he was just stone cold. Nile was someone he was always comfortable around so he had never had that experience with her. She was one of the few people that fit into that category. Any friendships with men however didn’t come with that ease. That was somethign he didn’t allow himself to think too much about. He’d built that wall up for a very specific reason.

Nile told him a little more about her job and the classes she taught. She excitedly told him about how she got to teach a class on late nineteenth century art and he nodded along like he knew who half the artist were. It was nice to hear her so happy after being on the verge of a breakdown when she was doing her PhD. How did people willingly allow themselves to do something like that if they were on the verge of tears half the time?

When they finished their coffees they said their goodbyes and Nicky walked home. Maria would probably be desperate for him to take care of Bruno by now. He usually made dinner since he was the best cook between the two of them. He had aways enjoyed cooking for others. He used to be the one providing half-way decent food when he lived in student housing. The gratitude in peoples eyes when he set down food like an Italian nonna was something he’d never forget.

When he opened the door home he almost tripped on Bruno’s crayons. He sighed. “Bruno! Come pick up your crayons, please!”

Bruno came jogging almost immediately. “Sorry, Uncle Nicky. I forgot them there,” he pouted to him in English.

Well, at least he understood the Italian.

He smiled at him and bent down to his level. He patted his head. “That’s okay. Just don’t leave them here, I don’t want to injure myself. Okay?”

“Okay.”

While Bruno cleaned up he walked to the kitchen, seeing Maria still bent over her laptop.

Maria worked as a copy editor so a lot of her work was done at home. Which was easier for her in the long run with Bruno but she barely left the computer. Sometimes she’d let him peek at manuscripts or give him ARC copies of books he was interested in which he really appreciated. He wasn’t sure if she was technically allowed to do that.

He decided to just make some gnocchi for dinner, not feeling like to make anything complicated. He even brought himself to use the pre-made kind to boil and just make the sauce himself. He didn’t really like making pasta anyway and preferred to make a day of it when he did.

“How was your day?” he asked her. She looked at him almost startled, clearly she hadn’t heard him come in.

“Good. Just need to send this submission back for R&R. It’s got potential.”

“What’s it about?”

“It’s a period drama, set in the renaissance. It’s about an Italian man who become infatuated with his new model he is painting. But she’s from a rich family and he’s a poor artist.”

“Sounds cliché.”

“People like clichés.”

He took her word for it and went back to cooking. Bruno had put a show on in the background and he blocked it out.

Maybe it would be a good idea to go to Nile’s friend’s charity event. He’d only lived in the UK for a month and getting coffee with Nile was the most off routine thing he’d done. He went between the church and home most days. He hadn’t even had a chance to take Bruno out during the day to give Maria a short break. He could take him to the zoo or that carnival coming up. Maria would be grateful if he did that.

Maria didn’t pull away from the computer until five minutes after he set her plate on the dinner table. Bruno gobbled down his own food happily.

“I like this, Uncle Nicky!” he beamed.

He smiled at him. “It tastes even better in Italy. We should go down there eventually to see your nonna and nonno.”

He almost beamed at that. “Yes! Please mama?” He gave her big puppy eyes as he asked. He mostly inherited features from their side of the family but had gotten dark brown eyes like their brother Marco instead of the striking pale grey he and Maria had.

She gave a laugh. “Not quite yet but we should definitely eventually. They have barely gotten to see you.”

Nicky stopped himself from saying ‘I wonder why’.

He wasn’t exactly bitter Maria had moved so far away. He understood it was because Nathan didn’t know a lick of Italian and had some fancy corporate job he couldn’t just up and leave. Maria had been lucky to even find her job in publishing after only recently finishing her Masters in Literature. She had initially been thinking of looking into translation work before she fell into copy editing. A job she loved too much to leave when the divorce was finalised.

He’d missed her a lot during that time when he was still working in Italy, before she called him late one night sobbing that Nathan had left her. They were always each others go to person and he knew he couldn’t leave her alone like that.

Next thing he knew, he was asking to be moved to a church in London for family reasons. The process took time but here he was and he could only do his best.

“We could go in the summer and you can get some annual leave,” Nicky said, pushing down his bitterness and smiling at her. “Or for Christmas. A welcome change to the weather we get here.”

He was already sick of the rain. He just didn’t understand how it could rain as much as it did. Another strike against England.

After dinner, Bruno tugged on his shoulder and asked him if he could read him one of his books for bed. He said yes and knew it was the right answer when he saw the relief in Maria’s eyes.

The book he picked out had something to do with a bunny and Bruno’s eyes went into the puppy dog expression when he held it out to him. He sat on his bed with him and Bruno grinned as he listened.

He was still awake when he closed the last page, eyes staring at the pictures. “Can you read me another book?”

He shook his head. “It’s late, you need to be a big boy and rest.”

“But I’m still not tired.”

“You will be if you lie down,” he said and kissed his forehead. “Bedtime.”

He frowned and crossed his arms. “Not yet.”

“You can read something yourself if you like. Your mama said you’re doing very good at learning to read.”

He nodded. “Yes! Mama has been teaching me and she says I’m doing really good!”

He smiled and reached for one of his other books. “Want to read this one to me then?”

He read it very slowly, yawning after every few words before he started to fall asleep. He let out a sigh of relief and got off the bed and quietly closed the door behind him as he left.

“And he’s asleep,” he said as he fell down onto the couch next to Maria as she watched some movie he didn’t recognise. “Finally.”

Maria smiled. “Thanks for that. I know he can be a handful.”

“That’s why you have me, right?”

“Right.”

They fell into a silence and watched the movie for a few minutes. It looked like it was one of those romcoms that Maria liked so much, maybe American.

“You have any plans that aren’t priest related?” she asked after a while. “You have maybe one friend.”

“Nile, yeah. And she invited me to some charity event. I’m not sure if I’m going to go.”

“Is it fancy?”

“I think.”

“Then go. She can probably help you make some friends. You barely even talk to other priests.”

“Other priests can be the farthest from pleasant. I don’t want my only friends to be priests anyway.”

She laughed. “Then you should go. It sounds like it will be fun, gets you out of the house right? You’ve barely seen London outside of the church.”

He hummed. “Maybe I should. I’ll call Nile and ask more about it.”

He moved to his room to sit on his bed and called Nile. She answered after a few rings. “Hey, what’s up?”

“The charity thing, I think I’ll go. I think I need to actually socialise for once.”

“Yes! That’s great. It’s formal so make sure to dress up.”

He definitely had a suit lying around he could use. “Okay, I can scrape something up. Just send me the details.”

He hoped it would be worth it in the end.


	3. Chapter 3

If there was one thing Joe was good at when the situation called for it, he could dress up really well for formal events.

He’d spent an hour getting his hair and beard ready. Ramla had given him a lot of curly hair product recommendations after he’d once groaned about nothing working on his hair a few years ago.

He wore a navy blue suit, no tie. Just a white shirt with a first few buttons undone. He put on cologne as an extra touch. He’d do all of this even if he didn’t have a date. He liked dressing up, which was one reason he liked these kind of events so much. Andy had once joked that the kind of effort he’d put into a date he wanted to be on would probably cause his date to drop his pants the second they would see him.

He hoped that was accurate but it had been a few years since he’d been on a date that he’d really cared about, and it hadn’t been one he’d been able to dress up for.

He was taking an Uber to the event. It was being held at a gallery that supported local artists. One of his own paintings were on display. It was an abstract self portrait that mostly morphed colours together. Dark on himself and colour around him. It was one of his personal favourite works.

The gallery itself was small and a non-profit. He had worked there when he was doing his PhD. It was how he’d met Quỳnh and later Andy. Hopefully them hosting the event will lead to other artists getting recognition if it piques the interest of rich people.

When he arrived, he found Booker almost immediately. It was still pretty early in the evening. The bidding wouldn’t be for another couple of hours. There were already a few guests dressed like the invitation noted to be black tie than just ‘formal’ as a broad term.

Booker was talking to a Black man older than himself, probably closer to Booker’s age. They hadn’t noticed his arrival yet. Joe knew this was probably James.

He took a second to take James in. He was attractive, sure. Not quite I-want-t0-jump-your-bones-immeditatly but he could tell he at least looked kind. He was dressed in a suit complete with a tie. He looked more like a business man than some attending a formal event. He looked so natural in a suit, like the glamour of it had worn off a long time ago.

Might as well try to get it over with.

He approached the two and put on his best smile. “Hey, Book.”

Booker turned away from Probably James and grinned at him. “Hey, Joe. Good to see you on time.”

“Oh you know me, don’t want to miss too much of Quỳnh being a more successful artist than me.” That had been a running joke between him and Quỳnh. She was able to make a living with her art while he couldn’t even get commissions before dropping it entirely when he started working at the university full time. Selling pieces still called for popping champagne.

Probably James held out his hand. “James Copley,” he said.

He shook it. “Yusuf al-Kaysani but I go by Joe.”

Looking at him up close, Joe concluded that yes, the man had kind eyes and might be fun to talk to. Although he was still waiting for the exact moment he finds out something that was good enough to be a deal breaker. That was something that always came with Booker’s setups. That ranged from the guy who had been in an open relationship — Booker had called him ‘sickeningly monogamous’ when he’d later told him he wasn’t interested in a relationship like that despite Booker himself easily fitting that description —, the guy who had actually been pretty racist and asked him rudely if he could even eat most of the food at the restaurant — even though he wasn’t practicing Islam anymore he’d ordered food he knew was Halal and didn’t drink a drop of the very expensive wine his date had already bought, Booker later apologising profusely for putting him in that situation —, and the guy who thought he wasn’t a real doctor because he didn’t have an MD — Booker had called him overly sensitive for that one since most people shared that opinion.

He knew what was wrong with this man would show up sooner or later. It was like a time bomb. At least here Joe could go and find someone else to socialise with. Nile had said she was coming and she was bringing a friend of her’s too. She said he was new to London and didn’t have friends outside of her. Joe generally liked to keep his circle small but he hoped this guy was nice at least.

Booker left them alone to talk. Joe had half expected him to make some quip but for once, maybe he wanted to let things happen a little more naturally.

“So what do you do for work? Booker didn’t give me more than a name,” Jame said, taking a sip of the wine he was drinking. That reminded Joe to get his own eventually.

“I’m an art history professor in London. I work with Booker. Humanities solidarity and all of that.”

James laughed. “Well the arts are much needed. More important than many give it credit for.”

He smiled. So far no strike. “Booker said you work in tech?” Joe asked, casually slipping his hands into the pockets of his pants.

He nodded. “Yeah, security sort of stuff. I’m pretty good at it. I actually know Booker because his wife was friends with mine.”

His ears buzzed at the word ‘wife’.

Please fucking god let him just be a divorcée. Even if the use of ‘was’ wasn’t promising. “Wife? You were married?”

Colour seemed to drain from James’s face. “I don’t know if ‘were’ is the right word. She died a couple years ago.”

Oh he was going to kill Booker. Quickly.

“That’s...well, that’s a lot. Booker didn’t tell me that.” He was debating if it would be a complete asshole thing to end the date right now.

He glanced down at his left hand and saw the silver band.

Yeah, he wasn’t over it. “Look, I’m sure you’re really nice really but… I don’t think this would be a good idea. I haven’t had a real relationship and you’re already a widower. Completely different places in our lives.”

See, not a total asshole thing. A completely considerate concern.

James just stared at him for a few moments. “I told Booker he should tell you but she said you have a habit of picking apart the people he sets you up with.”

“To be fair he has set me up with some bad guys.”

James just gave him a weak smile and a nod. “Sure, Joe. I believe you.” He took a swing of his wine. “Enjoy the event.” He turned away and walked in the direction of Booker where he stood with his wife Adele.

Booker was probably going to kill him before he could get to him.

He sighed to himself and went to get a glass of wine. At least he didn’t go too deep into the date before it went sideways.

When he reached the table that had the wine he saw the back of a man getting his own glass. From that view all he could tell was that he was probably his height and had broad shoulders.

When he brushed to his side, that was when he got a good look at him and his jaw almost hit the floor.

He was white and probably about his age, with hair somewhere between brown and dark blond. He had a broad nose, one you would see on an old Roman statue. He didn’t have much facial hair although he did have a mole on his face that his eyes almost darted towards.

He looked back at him with eyes that he could only describe as the colour of the Mediterranean Sea. Maybe green, maybe blue, maybe its own colour entirely. Something he wanted to dive into.

Fuck he should introduce himself before he weirds this guy out. “Hi. I’m Yusuf.”

The man’s lips twitched into a smile. Nailed it. “Nicolò, or Nicky I guess.”

Fuck why did he go with his legal name? Only his family and Andy when she was pissed with him ever called him Yusuf. “Or Joe. Joe is fine for me too.”

_Get a fucking grip, you’re an adult with a PhD. You can talk to attractive men who you don’t even know are into men._

He caught his composure before taking a glass of wine and a quick swing. “So what brings you to this event? You don’t strike me as, well,” he gave a vague hand gesture to where a group of rich people probably talking about golf or a country club stood.

“My friend wanted to get me out. I just moved here from Genoa.”

Someone had to be playing a joke on him. Attractive Italian men who might like men attending an event like this don’t just fall out of the sky. He almost tilted his head up to ask God or something what the catch was.

“Geona? I’ve always been interested in visiting. I’m actually pretty fluent in Italian.”

The man raised a brow although it seemed to be more playful. “Really?” he asked in English before switching in a beat. “Enough to carry this conversation? I kind of hate English.”

“That’s fair,” he replied, trying to match his tone. Not flirty exactly. More playful but maybe there was room to turn it into something else. “I’m from the UK but my parents are from Tunisia. They made sure my Darja and French was just as good as the English so I could easily speak to relatives.”

“You’re making me look bad with only knowing English and Italian. Is there more languages you can speak?”

“Sadly only four. I learned Italian because I figured it might be useful. I do want to learn a few more.” His parents had always encouraged him and his siblings to learn languages. Italian was one of the classes in GCSE so he decided to go with it. After that, he made sure to keep it up, if just to make it look good on a CV.

“I’ve always been interested in learning at least standard Arabic. Although I know for sure I’d be pretty terrible.”

“Always worth the effort.”

“I’m sure but my English is still pretty bad. Maybe I should focus on that first.”

He gave a small smile. “So who were you friends with? I might know them.”

“Nile Freeman.”

He mentally cheered. “Oh I know her! I was her supervisor when she did her PhD. She mentioned she was bringing a friend. Where’d she run off to?”

His lips flickered into a smile. “Her exact words were ‘I’m going to go see if I can laid by an heiress’.”

“That sounds about right. What do you think of the gallery?”

He looked around. “It’s nice. I have a soft spot for places that showcase community aspects.”

“I have something up here,” he said, trying his best to not make it sound like he was bragging.

He lips formed and O as his brows raised. “Oh so you’re an artist too?”

“I’m a man of many talents. I even sometimes indulge in poetry.”

Oh God the man's eyes practically sparkled. He was already a goner. “I’d like to see what you have up here. Bidding isn’t meant to start for some time, right?”

“Right.” He tried not to pass out that this man wanted to see his art.

He showed him to where it hung in a quiet corridor. It wasn’t a centerpiece, hell someone could easily miss it. But his work was put up somewhere and that was enough.

“Wow. This is amazing,” Nicky said. The awe in his voice was so genuine. “What does it mean?”

He lips twitched into a smile. “You can read the description, you know.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything.” He leaned forward and made a show of it as he switched back into English. “‘Self portrait detailing the experience of wanting to live as you are despite feeling as though your make doesn’t allow for it.’” He turned back to him. “I want what it means in detail.”

He let out a breath as he stared at him. No one had ever been so interested in his art like this. He swallowed.

“The dark colours represent a certain darkness...the ongoing conflict I’d felt when I was still learning to be okay with being gay. I grew up Muslim and still am but I don’t really practice anymore. But when I was figuring it all out I thought I couldn’t be both. I knew people against it. And like I said, my family is from Tunisia. A big difference from the UK. It was hard to say the least. It was just...darkness in myself and a lot of repression into University. I didn’t even tell my family until I had finished my Bachelor. I’d been so worried with how they’d handle it but...it was the opposite. My parents assured me they loved me and supported me no matter what. They said they understood why I took my time but made sure to let me know that they would support me, even after growing up in Tunisia. I’d always expected them to at least be disappointed. I think if anything they were surprised but I think they at least understood this is something I couldn’t help. The colour is meant to represent that darkness was in myself but everything around me...well, still loved me for it. My parents even started hounding me to get married when the UK allowed same sex marriage.” He laughed a little at the end.

Nicky had watched him the entire time. He looked at him with such a soft expression.

“Sorry, that’s a lot to say to someone you just met,” Joe said hastily. There was just something about Nicky that made him so easy to talk to. He really hoped that didn’t just scare him off.

“No, no! It’s fine,” Nicky said. “I… I really understand the painting now. It’s a really beautiful meaning. It gives a lot more than this.” He gestured to the plaque. “Complex. I like that. I’ve always loved how people use art to express things like that.”

His smile was probably the most beautiful thing he’d seen in his life. He smiled right back at him. “That’s what I love about it too.”

They walked back to where the main event was taking place. Quỳnh’s sculptures were already set out. He saw Booker talking to James. Even from where he stood he could see Booker’s clenched jaw. He fully expected him to yell at him later. Maybe he’d drop it if he saw he had found a guy he actually really clicked with and maybe will ask on a date later if he wasn’t misreading Nicky’s signals.

“I love these little sandwiches that are always at events like this,” Nicky said, holding the small cucumber sandwich between his fingers.

Joe smiled at him. “Me too. I’m always at things like this and the sandwiches are easily my favourite part. Well, this and the wine.”

Nicky smiled at him flashing his teeth. “Wine is never something to complain about,” he agreed and took a sip of his wine.

“Joe! There you are!”

He turned to Nile and smiled at her when she approached him. He hugged her with his free arm. “Hey, Nile. How has the heiress chasing been going?”

She stifled a smile and looked at Nicky. “Can’t believe you told him of my heiress chasing ways.” She raised a brow for a moment. “Did you two just run into each other?”

Joe nodded and looked at Nicky. “By luck. Found out we both knew you and stuck together.”

Nicky smiled. “Yes, after you abandoned me.”

She gave a small shrug. “Well, there is one heiress I might convince to go home with me if Nicky doesn’t mind me bailing on him.”

“I’m sure Joe won’t mind keeping me company,” he said. They were still looking at each other like Nile wasn’t even there.

“I definitely don’t. It might save Booker from hounding me.”

She frowned. “Why? Did you run off on one of his setups again?”

He looked back at her with a guilty smile. “Yeah, his wife knew Adele. Widower.”

“Ouch,” Nile said as Nicky’s eyes widened.

“Your friend set you up with a widower?” Nicky asked in sheer disbelief.

“Welcome to the kind of friends I have.”

“Didn’t Booker once accidentally set you up with a racist too?” Nile asked with a raised brow. “Why do you even bother at this point?”

“I ask myself that constantly.”

Nicky gave a sympathetic smile. “I think a good rule of thumb is to avoid setups.”

Nile snorted. “What would you know about that?”

“Hey, I have plenty of life experience to know that. By which I mean my brother complaining about it.”

Joe laughed. “If only I had the advice of my siblings. They have pretty useless advice in most things but somehow they’re all married.” It had happened so quickly that by the time Ramla got married, his family started to ask more and more about when he was going to get married. Really it had started when his oldest brother Hamza got married. Family looked to him and Karim and constantly asked when either of them would get married. Karim was married within a few years and Joe had yet to tell most of those family members he wasn’t going to marry the nice Muslim girl they expected from him.

Nile said her byes and went back to the heiress. Joe couldn’t really see her where he stood and he chose it was best to not be nosy. He turned back to Nicky. “Bidding should be starting soon I think. I can show you how to hype up the prices so rich people pay probably more than I earn in a year.”

Nicky smiled. “It is for charity after-all so I won’t feel bad.”

“Exactly. It’s only for a good cause.” Although he’d helped just get money into Quỳnh’s pocket plenty of times before. “Her sculptures are really nice though. I’ll take you back stage later so you can get a close look at them. She’s really talented.”

“I’d like that.”

His stomach felt warm as they smiled at each other. “So how do you know Nile anyway? I don’t think she ever studied in Italy.”

“She didn’t. We knew each other when I studied abroad in the US. I did some of my Masters there while she was still in Undergrad. We stayed in contact.”

“That’s nice. So she knew you moved here?”

He nodded. “She and my sister have been my most social contacts. I only moved here to help out my sister with her son after her dickbag of a husband walked out on her.”

“Yeesh. Does he at least pay child support?”

“All that kid will probably know of him is a cheque.”

“Wow, that does suck. It’s sweet you moved here for her. I don’t think many people would do that.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes. “Well she wasn’t going to come back to Genoa and she was starting to get overwhelmed so it was a form of a compromise. If you can call it one. I can at least make sure Bruno doesn’t lose out on the language or culture. And it’s nice to be close to Nile again.”

His smile grew a little more. “You seem like the type who looks for the best in everything. I like that.” _I might like you._

“It’s a good quality, I’ve been told. Sometimes my brother gets on my ass since I never take the chance to be at least a little selfish. I like to think I’m not that kind of person I guess.”

He nodded. “I can see that. You have… kind eyes if that makes sense.” That was his most direct form of flirting that night. Hopefully it doesn’t ricochet right off him.

Except his cheeks turned the lightest shade of pink. “I… uh, you have really kind eyes too.” It was the slightest sputter. Endearing in a lot of ways.

“They’re just brown,” he replied.

“I love brown eyes.”

Would Quỳnh and Andy absolutely murder him if he pulled him to a storage cupboard? He was already most definitely on Booker’s shit-list though. But something about Nicky was drawing him in and made him want to break all of his usual rules. He wanted to know every small thing about him, from his dreams to deep secrets to heartbreaks. It was almost like something out there had put both of them here at the same time in some sort of weird destiny.

Before he could give him a real response, there was a call from the stage for the room to quieten down. They both turned to the stage to see Quỳnh standing there and ready. She had gotten dressed up for to occasion, her long dress reaching the floor while a slit in the skirt showed off her leg. She definitely looked the part of a prolific artist selling to rich people.

“Thank you so much to everyone attending. If you don’t know, my name is Quỳnh Nguyen. We are hosting this event tonight to raise money for local LGBTQ+ charities, with a focus on one that help queer youth. I will be selling some of my work and it will go to the highest bidder. My lovely fiancée will be monitoring the bids.”

Andy stepped onto the platform also in a dress although one much less elegant. She did clearly put in effort for the evening. That didn’t surprise Joe. Andy hated getting dressed up but she would do almost anything for Quỳnh.

“Thank you, Quỳnh,” said Andy. “We’ll be bringing out the first piece in a moment. Please use that time to collect a paddle for the bidding. Winners are final and payments can be made after bidding has ceased.”

Joe went to get his own paddle, leaving Nicky where they were standing with the promise he’d come back and show him how to do it. When he got to the table holding the paddles, he felt a clasp on the shoulder. He turned to see Booker looking at him with dark eyes.

“You did not seriously abandon James to go and flirt with some guy, Joe,” Booker said, his grip on his shoulder tightening.

“Well you neglected to tell me James is a recent widower. That’s very important information to give someone when you set them up with somebody,” he shot back. He didn’t want to have this conversation with Booker now or ever.

“Why do you do that? Why do you find something wrong with every fucking person I set you up with? Most of the time you leave the date for the most minor of things!”

“They’re not always minor. I have had very good reasons to walk out before.”

“Yes, yes. But you’ve ended dates because they were a picky eater or yawned too loudly. Or you thought their haircut didn’t suit them. Or even because you thought they had what you thought were terrible opinions on some dead poet or artist. Hell, you walked out on a date because he took too long to read the menu.”

He frowned. “You make me sound unreasonable.”

“You are. Yet apparently all it took for you to look half way interested in someone was for him to smile at you right and bat his eyelashes— who is this guy anyway?”

“The friend Nile brought. I met him by the wine on accident and we just started talking. Talking, not flirting.” He wasn’t going to say for sure until he knew he wasn’t misreading his signals. That would just be embarrassing.

“You were a million per cent flirting, but hey. Don’t let me stop you. Next time just wait a little longer before going to the next man after leaving a date.”

He turned around and walked back into the crowd. He watched him for a few moments before he walked back to Nicky.

When he was back at Nicky’s side he beamed at him. “So what? We’re not actually buying anything tonight?”

He shook his head and spun the paddle between his fingers. “I have yet to actually pay for one, especially with money I don’t have. You have to know when to stop with bidding wars although they are very fun.”

The first piece was brought out. Andy called out the starting bid was £1000.

“£5000!” someone called out. It gave a good gage on how he should play this.

“£10000!” Joe called out.

“£15000!”

“£20000!” Joe called and he heard a snort from Nicky.

“£21000!” called the same person.

He knew how this went. “£21500!”

“£25000!”

Like putty in his hands.

He conceded his bid and waited.

“£30000!” a new voice called.

“35!”

“40!”

A few moments passed and it seemed the other person had conceded too.

“Sold for £40000 to 53!” Andy called. The piece was taken away.

He looked at Nicky who looked at him with intrigue. “Hm, give me that thing. I want to give it a try.”

“Just don’t get too cocky,” he said as he handed him the paddle. “You have to let them get cocky. Focus on how far people go from the starting bid.”

He nodded as the new piece was put out. Andy said the starting bid was £5000.

“£6000!” someone called out.

“10!” another voice called out.

He glanced at Nicky who raised his paddle. “12!”

Definitely playing it safe. Not that he could blame him.

“15!” another person called.

“20!” Nicky called with a huge grin on his face. His stomach did a backflip.

“30!” the same person called.

Nicky hesitated for a few moments. “40!”

“60!”

Nicky seemed to take that as the time to concede his bid . Joe grinned to himself as Andy ruled it sold for £60000.

“That was fun,” Nicky said with a laugh. “I can see why you enjoy it.”

He nodded. “It’s all the fun of bidding without actually spending money. If you had won though I would’ve told Andy and Quỳnh and they would’ve been okay with letting you off the hook.”

“Good because I do not have that much money, especially to spend on a sculpture.”

He smiled at him as he handed him back the paddle.

They took it back and forth, participating with enough enthusiasm to raise the bids for all of the pieces. Nicky got a lot more confident with his fake bids and when to concede them. He did have to keep an eye on him so he didn’t get carried away. He would feel really bad if Quỳnh lost out on a real sale because he got too cocky.

After all the pieces were sold, the winners followed Quỳnh and Andy to where their new sculptors were being held. They had easily raised a few hundred grand which was nice to know. He was glad Quỳnh would host something like this.

Now that everything was sold though, that meant the event would be coming to a close soon. And his time with Nicky would end.

He looked at Nicky who still had that sweet smile on his face. “That was fun. I didn’t think it would be that fun.”

He smiled back at him. “It is. You should come to one of these next time. There’s more events like this you— we could find.”

“I’d like that.”

It was flirting. He was a thousand per cent flirting right back at him.

He could do it, he could shoot his shot for once in his life.

“I’m not usually this forward but… I had fun talking to you. A lot. So could I get your number and maybe we can see where this goes? Not even just at a bidding thing with rich people but dinner or coffee or whatever you like.”

Nicky stared at him, his mouth gaping open as the colour drained from his face as dread crossed his beautiful face. He felt his stomach drop, realising he had actually misread every signal that night.

“I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. We… we can’t exactly ‘see where this goes’.”

He stared back at him, half of his mind waiting for the ground to swallow him up. “Let me guess. Married?”

His expression softened as he shook his head, a genuine look of guilt crossing his face.

Oh fuck. Not again. “Straight?” His voice came out in a croak as he asked.

He didn’t move his head this time but the ‘no’ felt unspoken. He was ready to hear he was just plain not interested.

“I… I’m a priest.”

He stared back at him, waiting for him to laugh. To say he was kidding. Maybe to be the one to ask him out at best. Or at worst laugh to his face and to tell him he could do so much better than him. But he knew even from this short time together that Nicky, Nicolò wasn’t that kind of person.

“…Oh.”

“But! I can have friends. Obviously I can have friends. We can be friends.” His words were sputtered out as guilt was written all over his face. Joe couldn’t tell if it was because he felt bad for leading him on or if he was feeling everything that was building up in his own chest.

“Even gay Muslims?” It was meant to be a joke to break the tension but it did nothing. He wanted to pull the words right back into his mouth and swallow them down.

He didn’t expect Nicky to respond but his voice was so soft when he did. “Yes. Even gay Muslims.”

He wanted to sink into the floor. He wanted to throw himself off a cliff. He wanted to go home and scream into his pillow. He wanted to do so many things so he could stop feeling so foolish, so upset, so fucking stupid. The first man he had ever felt a real genuine connection with had to have taken a goddamn vow of celibacy.

That really only begged many questions. Was Nicky flirting with him on purpose? Was he just doing it for fun because he knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere? Was he just trying to make a mockery of him? Was he secretly laughing at him and how easily he was fooled…

He couldn’t see that. Maybe he hadn’t even realised he was flirting. For all he knew, Nicky was this repressed gay priest who enjoyed a man paying attention to him even if it was only temporary. Maybe he should’ve been more careful but it wasn’t like he’d ever even consider to think of asking an attractive man if he had sworn himself to God.

Fuck. This.

They exchanged numbers and stood in silence for a few moments. Nicky still looked guilty and part of him wanted to ask exactly what he was feeling guilty about. He’d already apologised for leading him on but part of him was starting to wonder what exactly what running through his head right now. Did he feel there was something between them too? When he saw him for the first time it felt like a string was drawing them together. He had to talk to him even though there was no real genuine reason to.

“I liked talking to you too,” Nicky said. “Just, uh, for the record. And I could use friends here.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Right.”

Nicky opened his mouth as if there was something else he wanted to say before clamping it shut.

“I think Nile ended up taking that heiress home so I should uh… I need to arrange a ride. Because she drove me here. It was… it was really nice meeting you, Yusuf.”

He blinked at the use of his name. “You too. Nicolò.”

They stared at each other for a few more moments before Nicky walked away. Joe almost immediately lost him in he crowd.

The feeling of emptiness crushed his heart immediately.

He walked to where he knew Andy, Quỳnh, and probably Booker would be. It was the area more for staff complete with a couch and a coffee maker. Andy and Quỳnh had spent the night in there to be separate from the guests.

“Oh, there he is. Guess you owe me 50 Book,” Quỳnh said as Joe sat on the couch with her.

He raised a brow. “Why”

“Well, we saw you getting cozy with someone, Nile’s friend apparently, and Booker was sure you’d take him home. I said you probably wouldn’t and would come straight here,” Quỳnh said. “So what was wrong with him? Did he sip his wine too loudly.”

He glared at her. “No. And actually I did ask for his number but we’re not going on a date for a very good reason.”

“‘A very good reason’?” Andy asked with a raised brow. “You two looked ready to jump each other’s bones, even for you. What could the reason possibly be?”

“Let me guess,” Quỳnh said. “He’s married? Oh, or he’s straight? He’s married _and_ he’s straight.”

“He’s a priest.” His tone was flat and defeated.

The smirk Quỳnh had on her face dropped as Andy’s blinked a few times and Booker’s jaw dropped.

“Whelp, that’s fucked,” Quỳnh said.

Booker shook his head a few times. “You spent the entire night flirting with a priest? Nile didn’t tell you?”

“I guess she thought he had,” Joe said. That was probably the reason.

He couldn’t help but wonder though, why hadn’t he? Why didn’t he even think of asking that? Just a simple ‘why’?

Andy sighed and pushed herself of the counter she was leaning on. “Oh well, he’s a priest. Nothing you can do. Just get over it and find someone else to fuck.”

“How did you convince Quỳnh to marry you again?”

“I give good foot rubs.”

Quỳnh was still looking at him with a sympathetic expression. “It’ll be okay. You only talked to him for a few hours. You’ll forget about him soon enough, right?”

“Right,” he said although he didn’t even convince himself of his own words. He let out a long sigh and pulled out his phone. “I need to get home. I’ll see you guys later.”

They gave all there good byes and he walked back into the main area of the gallery while he ordered his Uber, ready to break out wine he had at home and drink until he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the angst begin :)


	4. Chapter 4

He tiptoed inside and carefully closed the door behind him as he walked inside. To his relief Maria wasn’t still parked on the couch in front of her work laptop. He sent Nile a text to tell her he got home safely. He didn’t expect a reply for a while.

He went to his room and closed his door quietly. His back fell against it and he let out a long sigh. He tried to not think too much as he got changed for bed, leaving the suit on the floor. He didn’t have the energy to drag all of it to the hamper.

He fell onto his bed and stared at the ceiling, everything from the night.

He’d arrived to the gallery with Nile. She had said she would introduce him to her friends and colleagues later although all of them seemed too busy to really have the chance to. Nile had soon gotten distracted by a girl she had been flirting with across the room and he’d told her she could leave him alone and he went to get some wine

Next thing he knew he had been looking into the most beautiful brown eyes he’d ever seen in his life.

Nicky had only ever told one person about his attraction to men. He did what he did best, he buried it into the deepest part of his soul. He became a priest in hopes that those thoughts and desires would disappear. Part of him knew it was a long shot but at least becoming a priest gave him a real reason to never pursue those desires.

He’d done pretty okay at it so far. He never got too close to men, not even when he started seminary. It had made sense to him, don’t get too close to men especially when he was attracted to them.

He wasn’t sure what had happened tonight and what made Joe so different. With previous men he’d been attracted to they typically weren’t gay or maybe just not interested. When Joe had told him he was gay that should’ve been the sign to go and find someone else to talk to. But he couldn’t walk away from him and he couldn’t stop smiling at him. Joe’s own smile pulled him right in, he’d wanted to spend the entire night with him.

It should’ve been easy to walk away the second he felt his heart start to race and warmth spread in his stomach. When he knew Joe’s smiles held so much more than just trying to be nice, that should’ve been his sign.

But he couldn’t. He just didn’t want to. Which was the worst part.

Then Joe decided to throw the reality of what he had been doing in his face and ask him out on a date. Because of course that was what he would assume. To any person his behaviour would’ve been as flirting. It didn’t even feel like he had done it on purpose, he just got lost in the moment. In his eyes… his perfect eyes.

His eyes that he called kind. Brown, which he made sure to tell him he loved.

The look Joe had given him should’ve been sign enough to stop. He’d gotten himself in far too deep. Why did he wait so long to tell him he was a priest? He never went out of his way to tell people. He preferred people to make their mind up on his before is brings it up. It was a good mood killer. But Joe had to know to stop things from going in too deep.

He’d had times he could’ve brought it up but he didn’t for whatever reason. Maybe he liked just playing pretend for one night. Maybe something about Joe pulled him in so easily. If he wasn’t a priest he probably would’ve said yes to him asking him out.

What made it worse for him was that Joe could obviously easily get whoever he wanted. There was no way he was agonising over this. For all he knew he’d already forgotten about him.

It didn’t matter. None of it did. It was his own fault for not taking even a second to think that he should cut it back and stop what he had been worried sounded like flirting. He could’ve pushed down the warmth in his stomach and stopped himself from smiling at the smallest things Joe would do. He could’ve forced himself to not blush when Joe smiled at him right. He could’ve… he should be able to resist these kind of things. He had been able to for half his life. Why should this one man be any different?

He put his pillow over his head and screamed. It muffled it enough but for a moment he worried Maria would come running into his room thinking he was being murdered or something.

He sighed and curled into a ball, hugging the pillow to his chest.

He shouldn’t have taken his number. Joe would probably be smart enough and leave the night like it had never happened. They had a mutual friend in Nile so now it wasn’t impossible to never see him again.

The worse part for him was that he so desperately wanted to see him again.

The even worse part was that he didn’t want anything strictly platonic from him.

The worst of it all part of him was considering seeing if there was a possibility to take this to where they both wanted it to go.

* * *

“Higher, uncle Nicky, higher!”

Bruno was giggling as Nicky pushed him in the swing. He wasn’t going to push him to high, so he took hold of his hips and held onto him as he put him high, holding him in the air. Bruno giggled.

“This high enough?” Nicky asked, grinning at him.

“Higher!”

“If we go any higher we’d go over the top.”

Bruno just laughed more.

Bruno had more or less begged to go to the park. Maria had been too busy with work lately to take him so Nicky stepped in since he wasn’t going to the church that day.

It had been a big help to get his mind off of things. He hadn’t had a chance to go out again so he’d been going between home and work. Nile had been trying to get him to go out again, bringing up the same friends from the gallery and how she wanted him to meet them properly.

That would mean having to see Joe again eventually.

He’d been combing over the smallest desire in him to pursue… something. He still remembered how Joe looked at him in a way that made him feel like he was the only person in the room. No one had ever looked at him like that before.

He would be fooling himself if it would lead anywhere in the end. It would also just bring everything he’d done in the last fifteen years to an end. He’d gone into the priesthood, devoted his entire life to God, to avoid this exact thing from ever happening. It was much easier to repress what he felt no matter how intense than allow himself into a situation that would only make him feel intense guilt. Especially for a man he’d just met.

Bruno moved to the slides for a while and Nicky went onto his phone for a bit, glancing up to make sure Bruno was still there. He smiled when he saw how he’d started playing with a little girl with blonde pigtails.

Bruno played until the little girl ran towards a woman Nicky assumed was her mother. Bruno jogged towards him, dirt on his face.

He smiled down at him. “Ready to go home?”

“Can we get ice cream first?” he asked.

He shook his head. “You’ll spoil your dinner. Let’s go.”

He held Bruno’s hand as they walked home. Bruno talked about the little girl and how she said she liked flowers. It was cute, Bruno seemed to have adopted a good soul from Maria.

When they walked down the street, Bruno changed the subject as kids would tend to do. Although what he’d asked hadn’t exactly been what he’d expected from him.

“Why aren’t you married?”

He stopped in his tracks, keeping a tight grip on his hand. He looked down at him and frowned. “Uh… why do you ask?”

He’d started biting his thumb mindlessly like he’d already forgotten the question. He sighed and went down to his level, taking his thumb out of his mouth. “Bruno, why do you ask?”

He shrugged. “All adults I know are married.”

He definitely doubted that. He took a deep breath. “Remember how mama said my job is working with God?”

Maria had wanted to give Bruno a ‘casual Catholic’ upbringing to compromise with Nathan being a protestant. He’d been baptised — Nicky was the one to do it — and would have a Reconciliation, Holy Communion, and Confirmation when those times came. But he wasn’t raised in deep and Maria hadn’t brought him to Mass since he was too young to stay awake at both Saturday night and Sunday morning services.

He hoped he had enough grasp to know what he was talking about at least.

“Mama said something like that.”

He let out a breath as relief. “Well you see, I actually can’t get married if I work with God.”

“Why?”

He combed through his mind to figure out how to explain to his four year old nephew that he had taken a vow of celibacy. “If you work with God it’s like… being married to Him almost. I promise to put Him before everyone else, even someone I might want to marry. I’m not even allowed to kiss a girl.”

Bruno scrunched his nose. “Girls are gross anyway. They’re only cool as friends.” He went back to biting his thumb. “Would you be allowed to kiss a boy?”

He blinked at him. “No, and where did you hear about boys kissing?”

“I know a girl with two daddies. She said it’s no different than having a mummy and a daddy. She said they kiss and stuff.”

He stared at him for a moment before deciding that it made enough sense. Children having two mothers or two fathers would become more common. That was going to happen instead of not even knowing gay people existed until you were a teenager or accidentally saw it on a TV show late in the night. “They would do that. And no, I can’t kiss a boy either.”

“That’s silly.”

“I don’t think so,” he pinched his cheek. “I need to get you home don’t I?”

He nodded and they walked the rest of the way home.

* * *

“I can’t believe you have your own office,” Nicky said, staring out the window which gave a view of the campus courtyard. “You’ve come a long way from making pasta on a hotplate.”

“God, I know,” Nile said, sitting behind her desk. “I’m allowed to grade papers and teach classes even! Without someone over me! It’s so surreal.”

He smiled at her and sat on the daybed by the window. Her office was nicely decorated with a few plants and extra furniture to fill in space. Nile had also no doubt taken naps on the day bed. “I was in shock when I was first allowed to give mass. And I didn’t mess anything up somehow.” He had practiced the service more times than he could count only the night before. He knew he knew the material and he was good at public speaking but he worried something had to go wrong eventually.

“I still regret not being able to see it. At least you did it in Italian. How long do you think until they let you do one here?” Nile asked, leaning back into her chair and drinking from a mug that branded the university she had attended.

He shuddered at the thought. “I don’t know and I don’t like thinking about it. I can still barely get by on English most days.”

“You’re doing good. And Joe, if you remember him, speaks Italian really well.”

“Yeah he seems to speak it better than I speak English.” He had been so grateful he spoke Italian. He probably wouldn’t have made it far into the conversation. Maria spoke English at home to Bruno but was always kind enough to switch to Italian since that was what they were both most comfortable with. He could at least speak English even if it forced him to use more brain power than most days. The few Italians that attended his church were at least always ready to speak to him in their native tongue.

“What’d you think of Joe anyway? My friend Booker mentioned something about the two of you talking all evening.”

“Yeah, after you left me,” he joked. He didn’t need to think back to that night again. He’d been able to revert back to reminding himself that there was nothing to pursue and he shouldn’t even consider doing so. He’d combed over even the idea of maybe possibly going into something with Joe but he’d been able to remind himself that breaking his vows at all and especially with a man was not worth anything. He hadn’t known Joe long enough to make a decision like that. Even if when he remembered his smile and his eyes it became tempting.

“He was nice,” Nicky said. “Seems smart. He showed me his portrait in the gallery.”

Nile’s brows shot up. “Really? Did he tell you what it was about?”

He nodded. “Yeah, he did.” In so much detail. He hadn’t expected that from him. He had genuinely wanted to know what it was about but the one questioned seemed to unlock something within Joe and he’d poured out everything to him. There was so much vulnerability in art, he knew that much, and Joe deciding to tell him in every detail what the self-portrait represented had felt so personal. It felt like something special. It was so much more than that little plaque description gave.

There was something about how knowing he had grown up religious too but had realised his own desires later in life that spoke to him. Knowing that he had a family that loved him and even encouraged those desires that so many of their respective faiths deemed wrong. It was so much the opposite of Nicky. He’d realised it so young and like Joe, he couldn’t see his family coming into it with love. His parents were loving people and so were Maria and Marco but he wasn’t sure how far it would extend. If they would’ve been able to listen to Nicky at fifteen and admit to them what he’d felt. To listen and tell him they loved him more than anything in this world and their only desire was his well and fullest happiness.

It wasn’t a long shot but he still doubted it. He didn’t want to risk it. Not now. They didn’t love that he’d decided to become a priest but their extended family definitely did. His extended family made his parents look like casual Catholics despite his parents taking him and his siblings to church every Sunday before he even understood what the priest was saying.

“It’s a really nice portrait. It’s cool it’s hung up in a gallery like that,” he said.

Nile beamed. “It’s so cool. It was put up before I knew him but Andy — another friend, she teaches history here — said they popped champagne and went out for dinner. He paints a lot but I think its more for fun.”

He nodded. He thought about the idea of watching Joe as he would paint. Maybe he always ended up covered in paint. Maybe he had to go through so many clothes because he would end up a mess. Maybe he would take his shirt off to prevent that and paint splatter would end up on his chest…

He mind was getting away from him. He couldn’t allow that to happen. He’d probably see him again soon and he had to stop thinking about him like that. He had to because he didn’t trust himself to not let what was bubbling in his chest cloud his judgment. He could be Joe’s friend and that would be enough. He had no doubt that Joe would find someone else and forget about him entierly. That was what made sense. Why would Joe dwell on a man he’d just met? Nicky was probably only like this because he was still looking for friends and he hadn’t had much attention outside of work and family. Not because when he looked in Joe’s eyes he saw everything he could have in this world.

“If I see him again then I’ll be sure to ask.” He kicked his shoes off and went to lay down on the daybed. “So what happened with that heiress?”

Nile laughed. “Went home with her, not much else. She’s ghosted me.”

“Sucks.” He hadn’t known Nile to have ever had a girlfriend for a long time. It was probably a good thing for when she’d moved to the UK. He knew it was difficult to move when there were strong ties to people who weren’t family. It was hard enough to leave family behind.

Nile had always been a weird spectacle to him. In the time he’d known her, he’d known her to be a religious Christian. But he’d also seen how she was outspokenly a lesbian. He hadn’t understood it then and he still didn’t get it now. Maybe she’d grown up going to an accepting or progressive church, he’d never had the chance to really ask her about it other than when she’d said “yeah it wasn’t enough to be a Black woman, I had to be gay too” which she finished with a laugh. He’d laughed along, mostly because he’d never really get her experience. She was clearly way past any kind of guilt she could harbour when he’d met her when she was twenty. He couldn’t even work things out at thirty.

“I’ll be okay. I’d like a relationship but I don’t even know how long I’m going to stay in the UK. Although I would make a great trophy wife.”

He laughed. “You’d be a horrible trophy wife. You wouldn’t be able to keep quiet around rich people long enough.”

“I would totally be able to! And then my beautiful heiress wife can listen to every one of my complaints afterwards. Marriage is about those kind of things.”

He smiled and was about to respond before there was a knock at the door and someone opening it.

Joe stepped in and it felt like someone was squeezing his heart.

“Hey, Nile, sorry to bother you. Did you still have that journal I gave you? The one on African Art in the 16th century?” He said it like he was on complete work mode. He wondered if he had even seen him laying in the room.

He sat up quickly, his hands going to his hair to smooth it down after Nile said something he hadn’t heard due to his blood rushing to his head and he tried to make sure he looked presentable.

“Hi, Yusuf,” spilled out of him before he had a chance to think of something better to say.

Joe seemed to almost jump before his eyes turned towards him. His brows rose a little. “Oh, hi Nicolò. Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

He nodded and stood up. “Yes, I was visiting Nile. I wanted to see her office. The daybed is very comfortable.”

Joe gave him a smile he could only describe as a look of endearment. “It is. I’ve found Nile sleeping on it many times.”

“Here’s the journal,” Nile said and handed the booklet to Joe. “You have a lecture soon, don’t you?”

He nodded. “Yes and I’m running late. I’ll see you later.” He looked back at Nicky. “And you and I should catch up soon. Right?”

Nicky nodded. “Of course, you have my number.”

Joe smiled and left through the door.

He watched the door for a few moments too long before looking back at Nile who had a raised brow. “Yusuf? Nicolò?”

“What?”

“In all the time I’ve known you, you always insisted on people calling you Nicky. That’s all. You’re only Nicolò when you’re at church. And in the time I’ve known Joe, he tends to avoid telling people his name is Yusuf. I’ve known people who didn’t even know his name is Yusuf until they saw his full name at the end of an email.”

He shrugged. “He told me his name when we met, he introduced himself like that. I don’t know, I like calling people their real names sometimes.”

She tilted her head. “And why did he call you Nicolò then?”

“I don’t know, ask him. I didn’t insist on it or anything.”

“Mhm.” Her eyes were curious but if she had any more questions she didn’t ask them.

He cleared his throat. “I need to head home anyway. To cook dinner.”

She nodded. “Right. When does your nephew start kindergarten anyway?”

“He just turned four so not until next school year.” It was only September so there was still a lot of time. It was still difficult to grasp he was growing so quickly.

He said his goodbyes to Nile and put his headphones in as he made his way home, trying to not think about the brief interaction with Joe.


	5. Chapter 5

Andy was in her usual spot in the café when Joe had arrived for their usual lunch meet up. She already had a coffee and bagel in front of her and she was typing away on her phone.

He pulled into his chair, happy to see coffee was already there. “Hey. This for me?”

“Yep,” she said, making a few more taps at her phone before setting it down. “I got here early and I know how you like it.”

He smiled at her at took a sip, enjoying the warm bitter taste.

“Booker’s still mad at you,” she said idly, taking a bite of her bagel.

He rolled his eyes. Booker had only responded to him for work related emails and nothing else. “He’ll get over it.”

She nodded slowly, eying him for a moment. “I don’t get you sometimes. You agree to these dates then find every reason to get out of them. It’s not a good habit.”

“Booker is the one that sets me up on those bad dates. Maybe I should just get with the century and download Tinder.”

“Don’t humour me. I know you hate that shit.” She slathered more cream cheese onto her bagel. “What happened to Nile’s priest friend?”

“What about him?”

“Just in general, what happened? You didn’t tell us much about it. I could see you two bidding on things together. If he wasn’t a priest I genuinely would’ve thought you would’ve taken him home. Or at the very least gone on a date by now.”

The mention of Nicky made him want to sink into the floor. Mainly because he was the only thing he would think about when he had time to his thoughts.

He thought about him constantly. How he smiled, how he had a mole on his face, how his eyes were a colour he wanted to stare at until he knew for sure what the colour of them was.

A smile that lit up his entire face, a laugh that was like its own music, an accent he just found himself absolutely adoring.

Broad shoulders he thought about kissing until he knew he’d gotten every inch of his skin, hair he wanted to run his fingers through, a face he wanted to kiss before landing on his lips.

He’d been attracted to men before of course but something was so different about Nicky. It wasn’t the attraction alone this time. He liked his personality, at least what he knew of him so far. He was so fun to talk to but he also listened. He’d never had someone listen to him like that. It was as if they had been the only two people in the world.

He hadn’t felt like this since…the first time he’d been in love. When the man had been straight and he had to accept that. It didn’t make ending those feelings easy but it was something he had to do. He’d still ended up with a broken heart in the end. That was inevitable. He’d had to lock himself in his room and say no to any times he was asked to go out and knew the man would be there. Or when he had been asked by his specifically.

He got over it a long time ago. This time felt lot like that time. Except Nicky might return his feelings but he was a priest. He’d made the choice to become a priest for reasons Joe might never understand.

It didn’t matter. It really didn’t. He could move on, he didn’t have to be hung up on a man he’d just met. He would probably rarely see him. There were plenty of friends of Nile he’d never even met. Nicky didn’t have to be any different, even as his phone burned in his pocket while his number laid waiting for him to call or text him.

It should be easy but it wasn’t.

It was like he had consumed him entirely. That something outside of his control wanted him to go after Nicky.

But he couldn’t, he reminded himself. He was a priest and it didn’t sit right with him he might be taking advantage of someone who might be craving something he’d never had. That he can’t, or realistically shouldn’t, have.

It didn’t have to go anywhere. He could just keep his thoughts to himself. Maybe even go back to dating. Definitely not with dating apps though. He could find someone else easily. He knew finding someone wasn’t the hard part for him, it was the staying part of it all. He didn’t consider himself to be as picky as everyone acted like he was.

That’s what he told himself at least. He thought he was okay until he’d seen him in Nile’s office. He remembered everything he’d felt when he was talking to him. Everything between them had been so tense. He had to stop himself from staring at him and how he was a little rumpled up from probably laying on the daybed. It was no doubt a beautiful sight because Nicky was easily the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life.

“Well, he’s a priest. What am I gonna do?” he shrugged like he wasn’t in absolute anguish, sipping his coffee so he wouldn’t have to talk.

Andy nodded. “Yeah, it sucks. Seems like an okay guy even with the whole priest thing.”

“I agree with you that the Catholic church is evil but I wouldn’t take it out on people who joined the clergy. Brainwashing and all. I’m guessing.”

“Probably. Yeah. I just think of how Booker went to Catholic school and how he talked extensively about how mean the nuns were.”

He laughed. “Yeah, nuns don’t have the greatest reputation.” He was desperate to change the topic now. “So, how did you and Quỳnh go after the charity event? How much money did you end up making overall?”

“About £300,000. We’re still working on getting the money through to the charities. Thanks for helping hike up the prices.”

He smiled. “Anything for you guys.”

That small comment shouldn’t have stuck his mind straight back to when he and Nicky did it together, having the absolute time of his life.

He must’ve blanked out for a moment because Andy called his name. “Yes? Sorry.”

“I said, I know this is pushy but… me and Quỳnh were going to the carnival with an old friend of ours. You know I at least put thought in when I set you up and he’s a good guy. Firefighter paramedic. And he likes to complain about being a third wheel so I thought a double date thing would be nice.”

He stared at her for a moment. He could count the amount of times Andy had set him up with someone on one hand. They tended to fall into the category of better dates. Mostly they lead nowhere because he didn’t see the other person that way. Which was considerably better than the bad dates Booker put him one. Really at this point the only thing that saved Booker’s bad track record was Joe knowing Booker was bisexual and didn’t put him on them just because they were queer. But it only saved him barely.

“What’s his name?” he decided, holding back a sigh. A good date might help get his mind off of Nicky.

She told him his name was Lykon and how he had just moved from Greece. He listened half heartedly as he mostly hoped it would succeed in what he hoped it would.

It had to. He couldn’t think about Nicky like this forever. If he did then he was going to break his own heart when he knew it was a hopeless thing to even consider trying to pursue.

Maybe he would like this Lykon guy as much as Nicky, maybe more.

* * *

The carnival was pretty busy for it being so cold out. Joe had to bring a scarf and gloves since he was afraid he might freeze to death if he didn’t. Which was annoying since it was only September.

Andy had wanted to play on carnival games that mostly involved guns. She was a weirdly good shot and she insisted it was a paintball phase she’d had growing up. Quỳnh had a lot of fun on an archery game.

He had mostly stayed next to Lykon, the two of them causally going back and forth. Like Andy had told him, he was a firefighter paramedic. He was still new to working at one in Essex. He told him about it in general terms while Joe did the same with his job as an Art History professor. He seemed interested in hearing about it.

He was nice and Joe found him attractive. Dark skin and a bright smile with kind eyes. He didn’t feel like there was a draw to him but it wasn’t a dreadful experience. He could see himself asking for his number and the chance to really get to know him. Double dates weren’t Joe’s favourite thing int he world but he did it because he needed to put his mind on something else.

If he didn’t go out eventually Ramla would’ve probably forced him out of the house anyway. She was still asking him to come to her place to have dinner there but it could be difficult to work around her schedule as a nurse and his own, as well as Aziz. Between the three of them, Aziz was the only one of them with a regular nine to five but that didn’t bode well between shift work and Joe’s teaching schedule with grading in between.

He had to go eventually, he missed his sister and would prefer making a proper meeting instead of sporadic visits that didn’t last long. He also wanted to put more effort into knowing Aziz. He was family now and Joe had already gotten on well with his sisters-in-law. Aziz was still a little more fresh but he could see them being better friends than they already were.

“How did you get into art history?” Lykon asked, hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“I was doing my Bachelor in Creative Arts and did an art history elective. Loved it and never looked back,” he said, taking a sip of his coke. “Having a PhD requires you to really, really, really like what you’re studying. Even then a lot of people are tempted to just give up and burn everything they wrote for their thesis. And I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean print out everything and set it on fire.”

Lykon laughed. “I couldn’t imagine writing a thesis. The mere thought gives me anxiety. It’s why I just did undergrad in history before going to become a paramedic. That worked out a lot better for me.”

“You never know, you could’ve been a great historian.”

Lykon just shrugged and smiled. “Always an option I guess.”

They walked around a little longer, stopping at some of the games and a couple of the rides. It was a decent date and Lykon was nice. Although Joe still wasn’t sure if he was sold on the idea of a second date quite yet. He could see him as a friend at least if things didn’t work out.

Lykon was telling him about the kind of vigorous training it took for become a firefighter paramedic and he nodded along. At least until he saw Him in the crowd.

Nicky was walking close by with a small child on his shoulders. They were both laughing and the kid was eating popcorn as they walked, gripping onto Nicky’s head.

They were walking in opposite directions and it would be easy to pretend he didn’t see him. That wouldn’t be rude if Nicky hadn’t seen him. He could walk passed him and continue his date…

“Nicky! Hey!”

Nicky stopped and turned his head as best he could with a child on his shoulders. He was also pretty sure he’d cut Lykon off in the middle of his sentence.

Maybe he was a little bit of an asshole.

He forgot about that when he saw Nicky’s smile. He walked over to him, keeping hold of the little boys legs. “Hey, Joe. I didn’t expect to see you.”

From the corner of his eye he could see Lykon’s confused expression. He ignored it. “Andy and Quỳnh dragged me. Whose this little guy anyway?”

Nicky smiled. “This is my nephew Bruno. Bruno, can you say ‘hi’ to my friend, Joe?”

Bruno had started to suck his thumb. “Hello,” he said, taking his thumb out for a second and putting it right back in.

“Hello. How old are you?”

He held up four fingers with his free hand.

“Wow, four? You’re a big boy then. Your uncle giving you a good time then?” Joe asked.

Nicky laughed. “Not too good. He’s too small for a lot of the rides.”

Bruno pouted, giving a ‘mhm’. “Uncle Nicky said he’d try to win me something. He still hasn’t.”

“Carnival games were never my forte.”

He looked at Lykon as he considered leaving him for a moment to win Bruno something. He was pretty okay at those kind of games. Enough to at least win something decent. He had once used up all his tickets at a carnival like this to win Ramla a stuffed kitten she’d wanted, which she did end up getting in the end.

Except when he looked he saw Lykon had already gone and walked towards where Andy and Quỳnh were playing a mini basketball game. He felt a little less guilty with leaving Lykon for a second.

“Well, do you see anything you want? I could try to get you something?” Joe said, smiling at Bruno but ready to shift it back to Nicky.

His eyes lit up and pointed to one of the booths. “That! I want that!”

He was pointing to a dragon toy on a ringtoss booth. He looked at Nicky and smiled. “Mind if I try?”

He smiled back at him. “Sure, let me just set him down. And you better be good at this and not break my nephew’s heart.”

“Just don’t hold that to me too much,” he said as he set Bruno down and took his hand while they walked to the ring toss.

Joe paid and was handed the rings. He closed one eye as he took a second to aim. He needed to get five to win the dragon and he didn’t have a chance to miss.

He tossed the first one and smiled at the sound of it hitting the rim easily.

He heard a cheer from Bruno and Nicky stifle a laugh. “Well, so far he can get a yo-yo.”

“Shh, I’m trying to concentrate,” he jested, turning his head to smile at Nicky. He looked so gorgeous in the evening light.

He wouldn’t let that distract him. He took the second and watched it spin as it flew through the air and onto the rim of the bottle.

Bruno was bouncing on his feet. Nicky put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down a little.

He got the third, and he got the forth. He could at least get Bruno a decent toy. He held his breath as he aimed for the last shot. Bruno was resting his chin on the bench while Nicky stood next to him.

He tossed the ring and it landed on the last bottle easily.

He laughed as Bruno squealed and pointed to the vendor what he wanted. The toy was almost as big as him so he asked Nicky to hold it.

“What do you say, Bruno?” Nicky asked, tucking the toy under his shoulder and taking Bruno’s hand.

“Thank you!” he beamed and Joe smiled big at him. He looked back at Nicky. “Can we go on a ride?”

He looked down at him. “Sure, in a second.” He looked back at him. “Thank you. I think he’s really going to love that.”

He smiled at him and shrugged, putting his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “No problem. I should get back to my date anyway.” He had to or he would spend the whole night with Nicky instead and then piss off his friends for leaving his date. Again.

He blinked at him. “Oh… oh I didn’t know you were on a date. I wouldn’t have dragged you away like that if I knew.”

He gave a wave of his hand. “It’s fine. It wasn’t that long.” A beat passed. “We should actually meet up properly instead of these runins. Just text me.”

He wasn’t sure if it was his pale skin reacting to the cold but his skin tinted the lightest shade of pink. “I— yes. We should. I’ll text you. Or you me, whichever I don’t mind.” He pulled Bruno closer to him. “Ciao.”

“Ciao,” he replied after he swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. He watched Nicky as he walked away with Bruno.

He held back a long wistful sigh and walked back to Andy, Quỳnh, and Lykon

Andy and Quỳnh were playing on a balloon popping game, the sort where you threw a dart. His eyes stayed on them for a moment before casting towards Lykon. “Hey, sorry about that. What were we talking about?”

Lykon just stared back at him. “I… forgot. Yeah.”

He frowned and gave a small nod. “Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

He shrugged and took a sip of the coke in his hand. “You got the kid the big toy, huh?”

“I did.”

“Yeah, he seemed pretty happy about it… I’m sorry, this is going to be rude. But uh, was that a friend or an ex?”

It felt like his heart stopped in his chest for a moment. “Friend. We barely know each other actually. Uh… he’s a priest anyway.” He wasn’t sure why he had added that to the end but it felt like a detail he couldn’t leave unsaid, to remind himself rather than to tell Lykon.

Holy shit, he was a _priest_. He had to stop thinking about him like this before he ended up in a hole he couldn’t get out of. This was a million times worse than falling in love with a straight guy. That was cliché, almost a rite of passage. Thinking about a maybe gay Catholic priest like this was territory that should be left untouched by anybody.

“You could’ve just been honest, you don’t need to lie and say he’s forbidden from sex or some shit,” Lykon said, a frown pulling on his lips. “This is just a first date. I don’t care if you talked to an ex for a bit.”

He shook his head. “No, I mean he’s actually a priest. I’m not lying about that.” There was a strain in his voice as he said that.

Lykon stared back at him for a few moments. “Wow. That sucks for you then.”

Instead of denying the feelings brimming inside of him that he knew he shouldn’t be feeling, he just nodded. “I guess so.”

Lykon shuffled on his feet and looked at the ground for a few moments before looking back up at him. “Look. I’ll be honest. Emotional unavailability isn’t something I’d consider a good start to anything. You seem nice and really smart but… you clearly had more fun with the priest than with me. So lets not try to force something that isn’t there. Get over the priest first and maybe call me if you were interested.”

He thought of telling him how he wasn’t emotionally unavailable and he could date him right now. That he had been reading too much into what he saw.

Instead, he nodded. “Okay. I understand.”

“I’ll make an excuse to the girls. I’ll see you around.”

He watched as Lykon walked to Andy and Quỳnh. He said something and Quỳnh nodded while Andy raised a brow. Joe didn’t move until Lykon had disappeared into the crowd for a full minute.

Andy and Quỳnh didn’t ask about their friend leaving. They didn’t bring up Nicky either, if they had even seen him talking to him. He was ready for both of them to get made at him for not putting in enough effort iwth their friend but maybe that was for the best.

He thought back to Lykon’s words and how it appeared to obvious he felt something for Nicky. He thought back to how his friends thought that he was going to take Nicky home after the gallery.

He wasn’t sure if it was a feeling of lust. He thought maybe under everything he felt something so strongly for Nicky that he couldn’t even begin to properly articulate and it was all simply building blocks. That maybe that if circumstances were different, they would’ve been able to have something. If Nicky wasn’t a priest, they would probably be on some date right now.

He pushed those thoughts from his head and told the girls he’d head home too.

Maybe it would help if he slept it off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the recent feedback! I'm so happy to see people enjoying this fic.
> 
> A quick warning: As I said in the notes of chapter 1, I will explore Nicky's internalised homophobia. This chapter specfically deals with Nicky on a deeper level, although there's nothing gratiotious.

Nicky hadn’t done that much that day but stare at his ceiling while Maria took Bruno to his swimming lesson.

He had spent most of that time thinking back to discussions around celibacy he’d had with friends during seminary.

He’d been doing it a lot lately, really. About what it meant in a broader sense too.

He knew it wasn’t something that had always existed within the church. Maybe about a millennium ago it was implemented. He’d never put too much thought into why, especially if other branches of Christianity didn’t enforce it. He had been so focused on not having sex, trying to get rid of his own thoughts, that was why he was here after all. He couldn’t bear the thought of trying to cure himself through marrying a woman. The thought of marrying a woman filled him with dread and even guilt. To bring another person into his own struggle with sins would be cruel.

The conversations around celibacy had in some ways been their ways of encouraging each other to keep their vows. The thing was though, even with those conversations not everyone was able to keep a promise of celibacy before even being officiated. One boy was kicked out after he had gotten a girl pregnant. Two of the girls left after falling in love with each other. Both had caused a scandal but he knew the latter had caused so much more. For some reason being gay was much worse to that kind of crowd than just the idea of premarital sex. Both were sins but only one of them was a choice, and the one that wasn’t somehow got judged so harshly in comparison. The exact same attitude that put him into the seminary walls.

He’d been thinking about it more when his thoughts about Joe started to become impossible to ignore. Inappropriate thoughts where his judgment was clouded by how much he’d liked Joe as a person.

In a perfect world, one where he wasn’t a priest, maybe he would’ve met Joe and they would’ve left that gallery together. Maybe he would’ve never even met Joe and some other man would sit in his place. The idea that he could be living his life in such a way was such a fantasy, one he knew he could never have.

At least, not something he was ever supposed to have if he was an honourable man. Which he was so sure he was but he was having second thoughts on everything he knew.

He’d always been told temptations would come and he must resist. He’d always known that. He’d gone this long without giving in to any of them. He’d been in situations where he could’ve. Yet a man who was the picture of perfection showing up in his life for only a few minutes made him ready to do… something. He wasn’t sure what. But he was close to doing the worst.

Something about Joe told him he wouldn’t be the kind of person to initiate something in this kind of unprecedented situation. If he really wanted something with Joe he’d have to be the one to initiate anything. Which was probably a good thing. He needed someone who let him make those kind of decisions for himself with no form of pressure. It was eating him up but he wanted to more and more every time he remembered Joe’s smile.

But he had to be sure. Before he’d even entered seminary he’d told himself that the only way he’d ever break his vows of celibacy was if he was in love, and he was loved back. That was the only justification he had. Breaking vows for something futile would never be worth it. The closest to anything sexual he’d experience was grinding his hips into a mattress as a loophole to masturbating. He wasn’t sure if it really was a loophole but he called it one to know he was at least maintaining it in the end. That it was worth something and he wasn’t denying himself anything he’d craved so desperately for nothing but a result of his own self hatred.

He thought back to Joe telling him his own fears, and he’d heard parts of himself in him. Joe had at least some grasp on the idea of being religious and being so scared of your own desires and how others would take it. Now he seemed to comfortable with himself in ways Nicky somewhat envied. He knew he’d never have that. No amount of love could fix that part of him that had cried in confession when he’d admitted to his priest that he’d been having inappropriate thoughts about a boy at school.

The words he’d gotten in response still rung in his ears.

_Have you thought about becoming a priest?_

From that moment, the rest was history. He’d continued school as normal and told his parents he wanted to go to school for Bachelor in Theology to later become a priest. His parents had asked him time and time again if he was completely sure. He’d always told him he was. Maria had just nodded along and Marco spent a good amount of time trying to talk him out of it. Nicky had pinned that onto how he’d slowly left the church and became an atheist. Maybe out of all of them he had the right idea.

He turned to his side and looked at his phone screen. He could so easily send Joe a message asking to meet up. Like they said they would. Because they could be friends so easily.

But becoming friends could lead him down a road where he very might fall in love with him. He was worried he was already halfway there. Spending more time with him, real quality time together, will definitely make make him all but fall right in love with him for real. And if Joe could fall down that path too…

He could control himself. He knew he could. He didn’t have to… he didn’t have to worry about temptation. He was an adult. Maybe the feelings would never completely go away, but he didn’t…couldn’t give in when he’d worked so hard to erase these feelings and not have them tied to his very being.

He rolled onto his back and covered his face with his hands as he groaned. What the ever loving fuck was he going to do?

He stared at the ceiling for a few more minutes before he snatched his phone and sat up. He went to his contacts and hit _call_ on Joe’s name.

He listened to the ringing as his heart raced in his chest.

“Hello?”

He let out a breath. “Joe! Hey, how are you? Are you busy?”

He heard a laugh on the other end. It was so easily the most beautiful sound in the world.

_Focus, Nicolò._

“Not currently, no. Did you want to talk?” Joe asked.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as his palms became clammy. “Yes. I did. You don’t mind that I’m calling you?”

“No, of course not. I don’t mind. I like hearing your voice.”

His breath hitched in his throat. Why did this man have to be so endearing? “I was hoping to meet up soon. I want to get to know you properly.”

“Like what? Get dinner?”

“Yes. Or whatever you like.”

“I do know this nice Moroccan place. We could go there.”

He smiled. “Yes, that sounds good. I like Moroccan food.” He remembered Joe saying he didn’t practice his religion anymore but he had been worried in the area of suggesting where to eat. Some religious practices were just hard to shake off. He did remember him drinking wine at the gallery but he had known plenty of practicing Muslims he would drink wine anyway.

“Great! How’s tonight or are you busy?”

“I can do tonight!” He said it a little too quickly. To outsider perspective it probably sounded like he was nervous about going on a date with this man. “Works great. Just text me the address of the restaurant and time to meet.”

“I can pick you up. Makes things easier.”

“Okay. I’ll send you my address.”

“Great! See you then, we can talk more later.”

He gripped his phone but still smiled. “Right. Bye.”

“Ciao.”

When the line went dead, he just stared into space realising what he had just agreed to.

It wasn’t a date. Of course it wasn’t. But the idea of being alone with him sent a shiver up his spine and he knew he had to look presentable for it.

Maybe that was why he dug into his cupboard until he found something decent. A light blue button up and black jeans. He spent the next half hour fixing his hair, trying to make it look at least a little decent. He decided to put cologne on too. He might as well smell nice.

It still wasn’t a date, he reminded himself. He wasn’t supposed to do that. It was two men who both happened to be gay, one of whom couldn’t even act on that, going to get dinner together. Nothing more, nothing less. He could have Joe as a friend and not let himself get carried away.

Maria had come home a few hours ago before he’d started to get ready and he just told her he was getting dinner with a friend. She just nodded and he apologised for not being able to make dinner for her and Bruno. She just called out to Bruno and said they were having pizza that night.

At six, there was the sound of the doorbell. Maria was in her room while Bruno coloured on the floor. He walked to the door and opened it.

He almost passed out when he saw Joe.

He was dressed in a simple grey button up and blue jeans. His curls and beard were styled carefully. Almost in a way where he was worried if he touched it he would mess it up.

Joe was smiling at him. He could smell the cologne he’d put on even from where he stood. “Hey. Ready to go?”

He smiled back at him, catching his composure. “Yes. I just need to tell my sister I’m leaving.”

He called out to Maria who gave a shout of acknowledgment back and said bye to Bruno. He didn’t seem to recognise Joe, too busy colouring on the floor.

“I’m glad we’re doing this. I like planning over run-ins,” Joe said as they drove out of the street. “It’s a little more orderly. Now we can actually make the time worth something.”

Nicky nodded. “Yeah. It’s a real chance to talk.” Sweat had already started to prickle at the back of his neck. He just had to get through dinner to prove to himself he could see Joe as a friend. There was no way he would do something like fall in love with him. He’d only known him a short time, he didn’t see it happening that quick.

He hoped so at least as it already started to feel like his heart was going to burst out of his chest every time he saw him. Or just thought about him.

“So what’s this Moroccan place like?” Nicky asked.

“It’s a nice place. My sister and I go there a lot when I’m not overwhelmed with work.”

His ears perked up. “Sister? I remember you mentioning siblings. What are their names?”

Even from the angle he sat he saw Joe smile. “My sister is named Ramla. She’s a few years younger than me. My brothers Karim and Hamza are older than me. They’re both up north. They’re usually too busy to see a lot. Both have kids, Ramla not yet. She just barely got married but she knows she wants at least three.”

He smiled. “Bruno is the only nephew I have. He’s pretty great but I didn’t see him much when I was still in Italy.”

“Yeah, country distance can make things difficult. I don’t know my cousins in Tunisia well. It sucks. Do you have any other siblings?”

He nodded. “My brother, Marco. He’s in Rome right now. I don’t see him a lot.” He decided against telling him about how becoming a priest had caused a rift between them. Although there was never a sense of anger in Marco. It was almost like he had seemed worried by his choice. He’d told him time and time again he knew what kind of commitment being a priest was. He wasn’t sure he believed him, asking him so many times if he was sure.

Even then, he wasn’t there when Nicky got officially ordained. Nicky had let that go a long time ago. He had never had a real conversation with Marco about it, he just pinned it to how he was an atheist but he worried it might go a lot deeper than that kind of dismissive explanation.

They got to the restaurant and were seated. It was a nice restaurant but not fancy. Definitely nothing that would scream ‘date’ by default but still a place nice enough to take a theoretical date.

Except, of course, this wasn’t a date.

He did wonder if he would’ve taken him here if it had been a date. Or if he would’ve taken him somewhere nicer. Something that was fancy that he’d have to wear dress pants instead of the jeans he’d pulled on.

Joe offered to order wine for the both of them and let Nicky take his pick, making a joke about knowing Europeans could be picky about their wine. Nicky had laughed and Joe’s face lit up when he did.

“I haven’t had a lot of Moroccan food, what do you recommend?” Nicky asked, skimming the menu.

“Tajine is pretty good, it’s pretty common across North Africa. I grew up eating it although the Moroccan one is pretty different from the Tunisian one. I’ll make you a proper Tunisian one eventually.”

His stomach felt warm at the thought of Joe ever cooking for him. “Okay, I’ll try the chicken kind I think.”

Joe ordered some couscous with chicken for himself and they were left to wait for their food.

“So what’s it like being a university professor anyway? How’d you get into that?” Nicky asked, taking a sip of his wine.

Joe’s face lit up. “Well, I didn’t always plan to be an academic. I actually wanted to do art as a living. Which, surprise, is difficult. But I did always love the history side to art. There’s so much to it and how things influenced each other. How different regions have their own kinds of art and how it started… I loved it and wanted to find out more. Next thing I knew, I was getting a Masters in Art History and got accepted into the PhD program. I loved it, even if writing my thesis put me on the verge of a breakdown.”

Nicky smiled, thinking back to his days doing his Masters. “I used to wonder about getting my PhD when I was still studying, before seminary. If I hadn’t been so focused on being a priest I probably would’ve gone into that. I did really enjoy studying theology. Although… I loved the philosophy classes too and getting a PhD in philosophy is a nice alternative option. I like the idea of teaching philosophy.”

Joe nodded along. “Yeah. I think you could be good at that. Although one part of being a university professor is grading papers. That is less fun. But it gets easier to get done when you get good at it.”

“I can imagine. I like the idea of the teaching part better. I liked public speaking, I’m pretty good at giving mass. I haven’t had the chance to do it here quite yet though.”

“Not yet?”

“I’ve been doing mostly confessions and holding the wine.”

Joe nodded, sitting back in his chair. “I do have to say, I find the giving wine to children thing a little weird. I know it’s a little drop but it’s weird.”

Nicky laughed, throwing his head back. “They don’t have to have the wine if they don’t want to, just the bread. Before they even take communion we just wipe holy water on their head anyway.”

“But still, it’s wine.”

“Or it’s the blood of Christ.”

“Okay, you’re letting children drink blood. Much better.” There was no cruelty in his voice, just a jest. Nicky let himself laugh.

“The bread is pretty bad though,” Nicky said. “I think I almost spat it out the first time I’d tried it.”

“Lucky for me, I will never have to learn how bad it tastes.”

They smiled at each other and a flush went through his stomach.

This was going exactly opposite to plan. He had to focus and remind himself of everything he was supposed to be avoiding.

But Joe looked so handsome in the dim light. His eyes were so bright and his smile took him into a fantasy land.

Other men had been such a passing attraction where he forgot about them immediately. They had never left an impression on him in the past. Yet somehow, Joe was different. Both his body and mind were craving to have him in every way possible and if he allowed it, he’d fall right into his arms even if Joe was sensible and tried to push him away.

Joe definitely had stronger convictions than dare to allow a priest anywhere close to him like that. That would probably be the only thing stopping him from acting on… well, anything Nicky proposed if he went a moment without his sense.

At least, he really hoped Joe would. It was hard to be sure of that with how he looked at him.

“I wanted to ask, don’t priests usually live together or in a clergy house or something like that?” Joe asked, taking a bite of his food.

Nicky shrugged. “Sure but my entire purpose of being in the UK was to help out my sister. I was able to get in with living with her instead. I hated clergy housing anyway.”

“Not a fan of living with others?”

“Not other priests. I liked the student housing when I was in uni. A lot of those people were okay. Nile and I actually briefly lived together since she hated living on campus. I think she liked that I had a stove.”

“America does have weird on campus living,” he agreed. “I lived at home when I studied before moving out into a flat when I got a job whilst still studying. I had a roommate he was okay. Haven’t seen him in ages.” He trailed off slightly. There was clearly more to the story.

Nicky leaned forward with interest. “How come?” he asked, keeping his tone casual.

“Oh the usual stuff. I was stupid and fell in love with him, he was straight. My heart got broken even though I never told him.” He let out a self pitying laugh. “I tried just avoiding him which is hard when you live in the same place. I moved out when he got a girlfriend because it hurt too much.”

He frowned. “That’s awful. I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Well, I was young but it was the only time I’d been in love really. That’s the worst part of it. I think he just emotionally ruined me for the past eleven or twelve years.”

Nicky stared at him, unsure of what to say. He had expected Joe had been in love more times, so sure he’d had a long term relationship by now. He was attractive and nice enough. How had this man been denied love for this long? He deserved all the love the world could provide.

“But I’m fine,” he quickly amended. “I’m not even really a casual person. I’d rather get a million bad dates if I eventually meet my soulmate. I think it’s worth it.”

Nicky took a sip of his wine before he could let his mind stray too far away. “You believe in that? Soulmates?”

“Maybe not in a literal sense. But I believe that it’s possible to find someone so right for you that they fit every definition of the idea of a soulmate.” It took a sip of his own glass. “I’m a bit of a romantic, I guess. Maybe that’s just how I see things.”

He smiled, setting his wine glass down. “It’s a good way to see the world. You said you did poetry? I can imagine you being a poet.”

Joe laughed, eyes crinkling as he grinned. “You make it sound like I just write sad poetry all the time. I don’t write all that much just when I feel things strongly enough.”

Something about Joe told him he felt every one of his emotions intensely. “Well, I love poetry so if you ever want to share, I’d always be happy to hear it.”

Joe just smiled even more as he nodded. “If you ever convince me to do that then it is probably worth reading.”

They talked more as they ate dinner, about work, about their families, about friends. Joe wanted to hear more about Italy and Nicky said as much as he could, even though there wasn’t much to say. Growing up in a place constantly romanticised lost its charm before you were old enough to even know there was meant to be any.

Joe had insisted on paying their bill, which lead to Nicky reminding himself again that this wasn’t a date. Joe was just too kind of a person and maybe thought being a priest meant having not a lot of money. Which wasn’t exactly untrue but he could’ve still paid for his dinner.

They spoke more as he drove him home. It was all laughter and joy and Nicky really realising he was feeling something so intense for the first time in his life. Joe had started to tell him about the Islamic Art class he taught and Nicky just stared as he listened. His excitement and passion in talking about the subject was so intense that it was wonderful to hear.

He was brought back to reality when he’d pulled up to Maria’s house, cutting himself off short.

Joe turned his head to him and he smiled at him. “Well, that was a fun night.”

Nicky nodded. He’s pretty sure he hadn’t had that much fun with someone since… well, since he first met Joe at the gallery.

“I’ll see you soon, right?” Joe said.

Nicky nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

He went to open his door and as he did, Joe said, “I’ll walk you. I always hate saying bye in cars.”

He didn’t trust his voice, so he just turned to him and nodded.

They walked the short distance and stood at the door for a few moments, both of them just staring at each other. What were they meant to do? How do you end a night with a friend you barely knew but felt such an intense pull towards?

Joe’s arms were crossed behind his back, still smiling at him. “I’ll see you soon, Nicky.”

He nodded, reaching for the door handle because he didn’t know what he would do if he allowed himself to touch this man. “Yes. I’ll text or call or whatever. If I visit Nile at work I’ll let you know too.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

They stared at each other for a few moments and Nicky threw a quick ‘ciao’ before opening the door and leaving Joe on the doorstep. Before he could allow himself to even consider offering him a drink.

The lounge was empty when he stepped in. Bruno would be in bed by now and Maria had probably moved to her room. He gave a yell that he was home.

He went straight to his room and fell onto his bed, letting the underwhelming feeling to sob pour out of him.


	7. Chapter 7

Joe was an eloquent man. He had always been good at articulating his intense feelings in abstract ways that were easy to understand. His words had beauty to them and he liked to attribute it to the poetry in the Arabic he had grown up speaking.

He was a man who wrote sad poetry about a man who didn’t return his feelings but his writing had turned out so artful he’d even surprised himself. He’d compared him to a sea where he knew there was endless possibilities but knew he’d drown the second he’d stepped forward. Liking his desire to going into a forest at night but not finding light to guide you through because the stars and moon had disappeared. He was forbidden fruit who wasn’t calling out to him. He was everything he’d wanted but rejection had been personified.

Now, eloquence was out the window. Only once sentence was running through his mind; he was royally _fucked_.

Dinner had been a bad idea, one he should’ve never agreed to. He had been hoping the romantic feelings that had started to boil in him he felt for Nicky would subside if he spent more time with him and reminding himself he was sitting across from a priest.

He wasn’t even sure what to call what he was feeling. He’d only been in love once before and that had happened fast. But he’d also been young. He surely couldn’t already be in love with this man. His heart couldn’t really only desire those who he could never have.

He’d been sitting in his office and supposed to be answering emails about funding for the humanities department and a paper he wrote on Amazigh art. He should be working but his mind could only focus on Nicolò.

He was in too deep too quickly. He remember once being told by Andy he seemed like the type who would either fall too fast and too quickly or not at all.

He didn’t disagree. He saw himself as someone who was meant to know when he met the person that they were meant for him. He felt his emotions so intensely, all emotions, and this all consuming love that had started to take over him was no help.

He looked at his phone and saw a text from Ramla asking if he’d come to dinner that night. He was ahead on papers so he picked up his phone and told her he could. He had to get his mind off of Nicky and seeing his sister would be a big help.

He tried to put his focus back onto work. He replied to the emails about funding — Merrick still wanted to claim most of it and not so subtly suggested taking out the Islamic Art history class — and read over the edits he had been asked to make on his paper — the most likely white Christan definitely confused by his choice in using Amazigh but he didn’t have the energy to explain the alternative was a slur — before getting up to stretch and grab coffee.

He barely made it out of the humanities department before Booker had found him.

“Hey,” he said, matching his pace. “Sorry for the shutting you out thing.”

Joe just rolled his eyes. “It’s fine, Book. I’m sure James is fine.”

He paused. “He is. He actually was kind of annoyed that you hadn’t had a real relationship and felt weird about going out with someone with barely any experience. I should’ve thought about that.”

“And the widower part.”

“Yeah, and the widower part. I really just wanted to get him out. He married his wife around your age I think. Which is a while.”

Joe sighed. “Right. Okay. What do you want me to say Booker? I’m still deciding if I was even the asshole in that situation.”

“The asshole part was maybe chatting up someone else for the rest of the night. Even if he turned out to be a priest— which I still can’t believe happened.”

“Well I’m not single because I’m good at picking up on signals.” Even though he was ninety-nine percent sure he had read all those signals correctly. Nicky really was just a clusterfuck of confusing signals.

Getting dinner with him had been so fun and it could’ve so easily felt like a date. If he wasn’t a priest he probably would’ve thought Nicky had asked him on one. The way they talked to each other always almost had a layer where there could be something more if they allowed it to come. He could so easily just lean forward casually and see if Nicky would meet him in the middle.

He couldn’t cross that boundary. He couldn’t be the one to lead someone into doing something like that. He couldn’t initiate anything because then he’d be the guy who seduced a Catholic priest into breaking his vows. That idea didn’t sit right with him.

All he could do was keep things in his head and wait for the feelings to go away. He could get over a priest he had only just met. He could be his friend… he could. He didn’t want to lose him because he let his feelings get in the way. That wouldn’t be fair to either of them nor was is a solution. He was old enough to control his own feelings.

“We are friends though. He’s nice. And smart. He has a Masters in Theology,” he said.

Booker watched him for a moment. Clearly he had something to say on the manner but dropped it. “I’ll leave you alone with setups. Unless I think I found you your soulmate. That’s fair, right?”

He let out a very audible sigh of relief. “Yes, that is fair. I actually just had a set up from Andy and Quỳnh but it didn’t work out.”

He raised a brow at him. “What was wrong with this one?” he teased.

“Nothing. Just didn’t see it going anywhere.”

And that was the problem. He well and truly didn’t. Lykon was a great guy in every respect but there was no chemistry, no pull. Not like when he saw Nicky with his nephew and he wanted to spend the entire night with them instead.

He hadn’t heard from Lykon again. He would be okay if he didn’t. Andy and Quỳnh didn’t even ask about it. Lykon probably put it easier on him by saying he was the one leaving and not the other way around.

“So did you see Merrick’s latest email?” Joe asked, desperate for a change of subject.

Booker made a face. “Yes. I can’t believe he said that about your Islamic Art class— actually no, I can. He’s a piece of shit.”

He nodded. “I swear, whenever I’m around him it feels like he’s about seconds away from calling me a slur.”

“That’s just his entire aura. He’s the kind of person who would’ve broken every ethics rule that exists in science today if he had been born a hundred years ago.”

“Don’t kid yourself, he would still see himself above ethics if he was a scientist and not just a professor.”

Booker gagged and nodded. “We’ll, I have a class to teach. I’ll see you later.”

“See ya,” he said and they split off. At least Booker wasn’t mad at him and he could go back to worrying about his doomed love life alone.

* * *

Ramla and Aziz’s home was the kind of place Joe would expect from newlyweds in their late-twenties.

They had a cluster of Primark cutlery and dishes, a few photo-frames that held pictures of their families, and furniture that was mostly from Ikea or op shops.

Joe kind of really liked Ramla’s place. It calmed him mind and made him think of easier times. Ramla hadn’t moved out of their childhood home until she married Aziz so it was the first time she was truly out of home and she was doing good at it.

She’d made liftiyya with Halal beef she said she got from a place close by. He smiled, keeping the place in mind if she ever asked him to cook for her and he wanted to make something with meat. She knew he didn’t practice anymore but she liked reminding him that she did. He wasn’t sure why, he was the only one of their siblings who had stopped, it’s not like he could forget.

Aziz was sitting across from him, silently eating as Ramla talked about an annoying coworker. He smiled and nodded along. One of their favourite things to do was complain about bad coworkers to the other. It was a good way of coping so annoyance at that specific coworker didn’t come to the surface and they just snapped at them when they should be working.

“So tell me, how was your friends charity thing,” Ramla asked when she finished her story.

“It was good,” he said, taking a big bite of beef. “They made a lot of money too. For charity,” he added looking at Aziz he looked like he had no interest in the conversation, giving nothing more than a polite smile.

“That’s great! But you know that’s not what I care about; how’d the date go?”

Aziz raised a brow at him, interest suddenly coming in. “You went on a date?”

He stopped himself from rolling his eyes. “Yes, it was a set up. And it went horribly. Didn’t even last five minutes. Booker didn’t tell me he was a widower.”

“Oof,” Ramla said as Aziz’s brows rose. “That’s a bad one. Not the worst at least. So what did you do after that?”

He thought about telling her about Nicky but then immediately decided against it. “Just hung around for the bidding. Booker’s forgiven me for leaving the date though.”

Aziz snorted. “Why would your friend set you up with a widower though? That just sounds like a disaster.”

“He’s always setting me up in attempt to get me to stop working too much. Nothing has ever gotten passed one date that ended early,” he explained. He decided against adding that the dates were so bad because Joe may or may not have a habit of being what some would call picky.

“Our parents are still hounding him to find a husband. I don’t think they would even care if he’s not Muslim,” Ramla said. “Maybe even if he was white.”

Joe laughed, throwing his head back. “They’ve been hounding me since I could get married, let’s not forget about that. Then if I do find a husband they can give their parents the heart attacks.”

“Oh I can picture it already. I do not look forward to that for you.”

Aziz nodded with a small sympathetic smile. “Yeah, my cousin is a lesbian and she married this Palestinian girl a few years ago. Some of our family in Egypt weren’t happy about it. Not even the Muslim part helped. But they’re happy at least, they live in Brighton.”

“Well at least there’s always hope,” Joe said. He tried not to think too much on his family’s definite homophobia. He loved Tunisia and he loved visiting his family but something always did hurt that he couldn’t openly love a man there. His mother had once told him his grandparents would get over it if they see how in love with his eventual husband he was. He prayed to everything that she was right about that.

Aziz left him and Ramla while he went to do the dishes. Their cat had made her way to Joe’s lap and he was scratching her behind her ear.

“In all seriousness though, Joe,” Ramla said as they sat on the couch together. “Sometimes I do worry about you. You work so much that I sometimes worry you’re going to burn yourself out too young.”

“There’s always sabbatical.”

“Yusuf, please don’t joke. You do work so much and sometimes you just need a break.”

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “I get annual leave every year, I rest then. I paint a lot even.”

“Which is good but I also know you like doing research papers on annual leave too. It’s not even about getting a boyfriend or dating or anything, there’s more to life than that. I just don’t want you to exhaust yourself. You’ve forgotten to eat before. When you still practiced during uni, you once went over forty-eight hours without eating during Ramadan and passed out in your room.”

He remembered that day. Andrew, his housemate and straight man he had been so desperately in love with, had found him and had almost called an ambulance before Joe had came to. He had made him toast so it would be easy on his stomach. Joe had almost said no because the sun was still up but decided to break fast since he was pretty sure God would be okay with him eating if his health was suffering.

“That’s not going to happen again, I do eat. I just don’t like eating while working.”

“That’s a bad excuse,” she frowned. “I just… I don’t know. I worry about you living alone sometimes.”

“I like living alone.”

“That’s fine but I know what you get when you’re doing some big research thing. You go days without leaving your flat. Then you forget to buy groceries and don’t even have biscuits to get you through the night.”

“Ramla,” he said again. “I understand you’re concerned and you know that I love and appreciate you for it but I really am fine. I like how I live and I like how I work. It’s nowhere near as big of a deal as you think. And I do go out. I went to the carnival with Andy and Quỳnh a few days ago. And I got dinner with a friend last night.” He really hoped he kept Nicky vague enough where she wouldn’t ask him about him to pry questions out of him. Sometimes Ramla could read him too easily. She had worked out he was in love with his housemate when he’d been sure he had been hiding it really well. At least at that point he had already told her he was gay.

He couldn’t tell her about Nicky. Even if she would smack sense into him like he didn’t already have plenty of it.

She barely seemed to notice any of it though. “Well, that’s something I guess. And it means you ate which is always good. Keep that kind of stuff up, it’s good for you.”

He just nodded while his mind strayed back to the last moments with Nicky on his doorstep. How in any other situation that would’ve been where he could’ve taken his face into his hands and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe. He wanted nothing more than to just hold him in his arms, mumbling sweet words to him. They could fit together so easily. He could almost picture it.

He wanted it so desperately but he couldn’t have it. That hurt more than anything.

It would be so easy to fall in love with him. He was halfway there already, if not there already. But he couldn’t. Then he’d have to heal his broken heart like when he was in university.

Maybe he was just doomed to have his heart broken by constantly falling for men who couldn’t return his feelings. It was almost like he brought it upon himself. Realistically, he should just not talk to him anymore and move on, wait for the feelings to fizzle out.

But he could be so self destructive, and that was no different from Andrew. He had said yes when he had asked him to move in with him. He could’ve said no but he had a fantasy that maybe he would fall in love with him, realise he wasn’t straight, and they would live happily ever after.

Of course, it didn’t happen and he spent years watching girls come in and out, hearing the faint sounds of hookups, girls walking into the kitchen in hoodies that he knew smelt like him. The girls were nice most of the time, and probably didn’t see him as anything more than his Nice Gay Housemate. He’d heard him describe him as that before. He would just grin a bear it, always offering the girls breakfast and coffee.

Nicky, sweet, beautiful, Nicolò, was so different to that. And the fact he was the exact opposite was the problem. The knowledge he couldn’t have someone because they had vowed to never have sex hurt so, so much more than someone just being straight. He could have had Nicky if he had chosen a different path to his life, if they had still met in the end.

He was just going to have get over his feelings, fall out of love, and hopefully fall in love with someone who could return his love.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year everyone! Thanks for the love on the previous chapter. I've been really appreciating the response to this fic overall.

Weeks slowly went by and into October as Nicky went into a routine.

He would work.

He would spend time with Bruno and Maria.

He would see Nile sometimes, and Joe others.

In between, he slowly fell more and more in love with Joe.

The feeling of falling in love with Joe was like drowning. Except Joe was the air he wanted to gasp for while his vows and the church kept pulling him down under the water, reminding him that this wasn’t something one could so easily escape.

It would be easy to write everything he felt for Joe off as pure lust. While he did want to feel every small inch of Joe’s body against his, it didn’t stop there.

He thought of having Joe in so many ways. Him making Joe dinner, Joe introducing him to his family, Joe playing with Bruno and teaching him to draw, the two of them dancing by refrigerator light as a phone played slow music from a playlist they had carefully curated.

It was so simple yet everything he couldn’t have. Because he made a promise. One to God, to the church, to his community, to himself that he wouldn’t partake in that. That it wasn’t only about simple vows of celibacy, it was the emotional part and one for a man he was forbade from.

He yearned for it everyday and it hurt more and more as he would look at Joe, kind eyes and bright smile, knowing he deserved everything and knowing he couldn’t give it to him.

Unless he did…

He fell back against the pew. The church was pretty empty at this time of day, other than a few elderly people who came and went.

He’d been doing a lot of silent praying in the pews. He’d been doing that a lot of the time. His own self control was out the window and all he could think of was Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

He was seeing him that night Joe wanted to cook for him. He wasn’t sure what it would be yet and he hadn’t asked. He liked surprises like that. He liked the idea of someone cooking for him.

It didn’t help his feelings for him at all. He should’ve said no, he should’ve said he couldn’t see him that night. He wasn’t sure if he trusted himself to be alone with him in his flat. He’d been in his flat before but only briefly. He had grabbed a bottle of water and didn’t even sit down.

The idea of really spending time there with him, while feeling such overwhelming for love for Joe, worried him. He couldn’t hold it in forever but he didn’t want to stop seeing Joe anymore either.

He wasn’t sure how he wouldn’t even tell him. Theoretically speaking of course. He knew when he and Joe met Joe had felt something for him too but by now things have to have changed. That’s what made sense. Joe was too beautiful, too wonderful to not have found someone else. Nicky would just be left to suffer in his own sins.

He wasn’t naive though. He knew other priests had sex. He knew other priests broke their vows. He knew priest left the church for that exact reason. He would just be another statistic in those priests.

But he wondered how many of those priests turned to the priesthood because they couldn’t even acknowledge their own desires to themselves.

When he had told himself that he would only ever break his vows for love it had been abstract. It wasn’t even so much he thought he would never fall in love. He was so sure no one would ever fall in love with him. He never allowed even the chance of that at any point in university and now the white collar was a repellent. He used to think that was a good thing because it did its job.

He only hoped it worked on Joe.

After he left the church for the day he went straight to Joe’s flat. He texted him before he left the church and Joe had sent back smiling emojis.

Queue his stomach doing a backflip.

He took the bus to Joe’s and when he got to his building, he stared at the doorbell for a full minute before ringing it, Joe letting him up immediately.

One thing that had almost made him fall even more in love with Joe as when he saw an easel right next to a window. Today he could tell he had just been working there as there was still a glass of murky water and wet paintbrushes.

“Hey, I’m glad you could make it,” Joe said, wearing a much more casual outfit than Nicky had expected. His eyes dragged along his body and he suddenly really wished he had gone home to change out of his priest clothes.

Fuck, he was still wearing his priest clothes. Was there enough time to get rid of his collar?

And then he just realised he very obviously looked at Joe in a way a priest shouldn’t.

He couldn’t already be losing himself when he only just got here.

If Joe had noticed, he didn’t show it.

He realised he still hadn’t said anything. “Of course! I was looking forward to see what you were going to cook for me. Is that still a secret?”

He smiled at him and shook his head. “No. Like I promised you a month ago, I’m making you Tunisian tajine.

He licked his top lip at the thought. “Sounds great. I look forward to it.”

“Good. You do have to like it or I will have to kick you out of my house.”

Nicky laughed. “Okay, I promise I will love it.”

The dish was already in the oven and they talked about their days. Joe said he had a nice phone call with his parents before painting for most of the day. Nicky didn’t have much to say, he had listened to a few confessions but it had been a mostly uneventful day.

When the tajine was ready, Nicky thought to himself it was similar to fritatta. Although he didn’t voice that opinion aloud.

He and Joe talked over their meal, Joe saying how he might have a buyer for an old piece of work. Someone who showcased local North African artists. He sounded so excited and… Nicky knew he was definitely in deep. So deep that if he didn’t tell him how he felt soon… he was going to borderline explode.

Joe took a sip of the wine he had taken out. They hadn’t been talking about anything in particular but the wine made him remember the night they’d met. How he’d never felt so comfortable in his entire life. Something in Yusuf made him feel more at home than he had in years.

He had to tell him now.

“Joe. I… I need to tell you something,” he said, Joe barely finished telling a story of Nile during her time getting her PhD. “I’ve been going back and forth on this for weeks now but I… I need to say it.”

Joe watched him, he opened his mouth for a moment and closed it. Then he seemed to find the nerve to speak. “What is it, Nicolò?”

A flush ran over him as he heard the sound of his name. Sweat started to prickle him behind his neck. “I— I like spending time with you. A lot. I know we haven’t known each other that long but you’ve already become something so special in my life. You… you’re such a good and kind hearted man and I—”

Joe sat up quickly enough to almost make his chair topple over behind him. “Do we need more wine? I think we need more wine.”

Nicky could only gape at him wordlessly as he shuffled around his kitchen, despite the bottle next to them still half full.

He wasn’t going to lose his nerve. He’d come this far.

He stood up too, walking to Joe’s side. “Yusuf, let me finish.”

Joe was shaking his head, still not looking at him as he shuffled through his cabinet on his knees. “I have some really nice white wine we could try. I—”

“Joe.” His voice was so close to breaking. Joe knew what he was going to say, of course he would. But he still needed to say it. “Let me say this.”

As if he hadn’t said anything, he picked up a bottle of wine and stood up. “Here it is, this is really nice. It was a gift from Andy and Quỳnh when I—”

“Yusuf.” He put a hand on his arm and he stiffened under his touch. This should be his sign to not tell him how he felt but he’d already made it this far. “I love you.”

He was still tense under his touch but he didn’t move away. “Nicky…”

“I… I just needed you to know. Because I don’t know what it is between us but I feel it so strongly and I know that you feel something too.”

Joe let out a long sigh, still not looking at him. “That’s exactly the problem Nicky.” He finally turned to look at him. Nicky moved his hand and he already missed that point of contact. “I love you too. You’re like radiant sunshine in my life that I didn’t know I was missing. You are like that lost piece of a puzzle that I had long given up on finishing. I’ve gone so long without feeling this strongly for someone. It’s been quick, you’re right about that but I haven’t felt anything this real in so long. If I ever even had.”

His voice sent a shiver down Nicky’s spine. He stepped forward and tried to take hold of him, the desperate need to kiss him overwhelming him. He barely got a hold of him though because Joe jumped back, this time actually knocking a chair over. It hit the floor with a hard bang. Nicky hoped his neighbours hadn’t heard. “What are you doing?”

“Joe—”

“No! I— Nicky, have you forgotten you’re a priest? You can’t—”

“I know! But I want this. I want it so desperately. I wouldn’t even be telling you how I felt if I hadn’t thought a lot about it. I’d be far from the first priest breaking my vows. I don’t want to lose at least a chance at this. I want… something. More than just letting my feelings eat me up without doing anything about it because I genuinely can’t stop thinking about you. And if I try to stop, I will find something to make me think about you all over again. I promise you I am sure I want something with you.”

Joe was silent for a few moments. “Okay, we need to talk about this first before we do _anything_. We really need to talk.” Joe was shaking his head in shock, his eyes looking anywhere but at him. “I believe you when you say you want to do it but, Nicky. Nicolò. have you ever even kissed anyone before?”

“N-no. Yusuf. I became a priest to avoid this. Of course I wouldn’t have taken a break from my efforts to stop to just kiss or blow someone I knew I’d soon have to forget.”

Joe’s eyes finally looked back at him. His eyes looked like they were searching for answers on their own. “You… you became a priest to stop being gay?”

He gave him a sad smile as his eyes welled with tears. “I was fourteen and didn’t know what else to do. So I went to confession. Then the priest suggested I become a priest. I thought… I really did think it would work. At least I hoped it would. So deeply I hoped it would. But now I’m starting to doubt everything I’ve ever thought about myself.” A tear ran down his cheek.

Joe still stood a few feet away from him. His eyes were so soft and beautiful. “Nicky… I… that’s fucked up. I’m sorry. I know what that feels like and I’m so sorry you went down this path instead of something else. Something better.”

It felt like his stomach was turned inside out. “Sometimes I wish I had. And look at me now. I am professing my love for you while still in my clergy clothes when you could go off with someone who actually would know what he was doing when you did anything with him. Because you can have any man you want and I’m sure you have.”

Joe watched him for a long moment. “Nicolò…. I think you’ve convinced yourself I’m much much more experienced than I am.”

He swallowed. “Well… aren’t you?”

“Not really, I guess. No, I’m not. I didn’t kiss anyone until I was twenty-six. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was twenty-eight, and not again until I was thirty. Hell, I’ve had sex a total of three times between two men. I… I’m really not some experienced man you’ve built yourself up in your head for me to be. I don’t like casual sex. I don’t sleep with any of the guys Booker sets me up with… I’m maybe one step above you in experience just for the fact I’ve had sex. But it took a long time. I guess that’s on a lot of things.”

He looked at him curiously, unsure of how to process what he had said to me. “Three times. That’s all?”

He nodded. “I told you I haven’t had a long term relationship. Those three times were with men I dated for a little while. And being twenty-eight and telling someone you haven’t had sex before was certainly a knock to my pride but he understood. Comes with the territory sometimes.”

“Territory?”

“You know, just, being gay. I never had interest in girls and didn’t force it. I was still practicing Islam and didn’t really see myself having sex before marriage until I figured things out. It all just came together and next thing I knew, I was well into my twenties and hadn’t ever done anything like that. Which is fine, you know? I’m okay with it now and things happened when they should’ve. But I think for us, whatever this is, whatever we do, it’s probably better I haven’t had a long term relationship or have had a lot of sex. I think it’s best for both of us if we’re close to the same level.” Finally, he stepped forward. “But… what is this first? What are we going to do?”

Nicky watched him before he took a deep breath. “I love you. And I promised myself a long time ago if I ever were to I would only have sex if I loved someone who loved me back.”

He nodded along. “Okay. That’s probably a good mindset”

“But even then, I can’t promise you anything, Yusuf. I can’t promise you this won’t be hard. I can’t promise you I’ll always be in a good state of mind. And… I really really really can’t promise you I will leave the church behind. I need you to understand that.”

He nodded again although he could see pain in his eyes as a reaction. “I think I already knew all that. And I’m not asking you to promise me anything or to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m actually begging you not to.”

Nicky took a step closer to him, close enough where he could smell his cologne. “I am not doing anything I don’t want to do. I need you to understand you’re not making me do anything, Yusuf.”

“Okay. Good.”

“Good.”

“But tonight, what do we do? I think you need more time to be sure you want to do this.”

He let out a laugh. “This is me after a lot of thinking. I know what I feel for you and I know what I want. I don’t know what it means in the long run, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know I want you. I know that I love you, Joe. I was halfway in love with you at the gallery.”

Joe looked at him with the softest expression. “I was too. That night, it was so unexpected. It felt like we were…” he trailed off.

“Pulled towards each other?” Nicky suggested and he nodded.

“Yes. And I still feel that now.”

“Joe?”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you now?”

He got the sweetest smile in return. “Please.”

He stepped forward, took Joe’s face in his hands and pressed his lips against his.

They moved their lips slowly together. Nicky was slowly trying to work his way around the basic idea of kissing. He followed Joe’s lead, still cradling his face in his hands and enjoying the soft feeling of his beard.

They pulled away enough for their noses to brush together and returning to each other’s lips. Nicky felt like his entire body had fallen into Joe. He had been thinking about this for so long that he could hardly believe he finally had it.

“Yusuf,” he mumbled against his lips in a sigh.

He felt a light moan against his lips. “Keep saying my name.”

“Yusuf,” he said again. He pressed his lips firmly against his. “Yusuf.” He opened his mouth as he kissed him and let his tongue brush against Joe’s. Joe gave a sharp inhale before another moan.

“Nicolò.”

Nicky pressed even harder, his tongue going deeper because hearing his name in that tone was not doing him any favours.

He had to pull away eventually because he was desperate for air. He rested his forehead against Joe’s. Joe’s hands had found their way to his hips. They were both panting lightly, listening to the sounds of each other’s breaths.

“Wow,” Nicky breathed, resting his hands on his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Joe said. His breath felt hot against his face.

Joe pulled his head back. His fingers stroked against his cheekbone. “I didn’t say this before. You are the most beautiful man I’ve seen in my entire life. It was impossible to not fall in love with you.”

He felt his body go hot, already filled with the desire to kiss him again.

So he did, just because he could.

Joe laughed against his lips as he pulled away.

“You are so kind. So earnest. I don’t think I ever stood a chance to not fall in love with you,” Nicky said, brushing their noses together. “Any man would be lucky to have you.”

“You think too highly with me. I did just agree to have a relationship with a Catholic priest.”

“I can live with that.”

They both laughed and Nicky ran his fingers through Joe’s hair.

Joe let out a sigh. “I know it’s probably too late but are you sure you want to do this? I just don’t want you to risk so much if you’re not.”

He had a point. Ever so considerate, like he’d expected from him. He was surprised he’d made it this far really. As much as he’d hoped Joe would let him into his arms like this part of him knew it wouldn’t be instant.

None of this would be instant. Even right now, having a relationship that they had to keep from everyone, even their closest friends and family while he continued as a priest seemed like an impossibility. Following that with the idea of ever leaving the priesthood…

That was still a fantasy. A fantasy of fantasy. He couldn’t even insinuate to Joe that was a possibility.

“I want to, Yusuf. I do. I want it more than anything.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay, but I do need to ask; sex. Do you… were you wanting to go that far?”

If he were a more impulsive man he might’ve pulled him to his mouth and demanded he take him to his bed.

But no. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to rush this.

“No sex. Not for tonight at least.” He cradled his jaw in his hand. “I want to but it feels too spontaneous. But soon. Next time we can if you want.”

Joe nodded, his fingers running through his hair. “I don’t even have condoms or lube so maybe it’s best we do it next time.” He kissed where his mole was. “I could run to the closest Tesco if you change your mind though.”

“Very tempting but tonight… I kind of just want you to hold me until I have to leave.”

“That’s more than enough.”

They moved to his bed and cuddled in Joe’s bed, softly kissing each other’s face and lips. Joe had his arms wrapped around Nicky as he rested his head on his chest.

He’d have to leave soon because Maria would worry and staying all night wasn’t a privilege he had. He hoped that wouldn’t destroy his possibility of having Joe.

He hadn’t promised Joe anything for both of their sakes. Joe was too kind of a person to be given false hope and Nicky wasn’t sure his own heart could bear lying to himself any longer than he already had.

Right now, having Joe like this could be enough. It won’t be fulfilling but it was something.

It wasn’t enough but it was something.

When he had to leave, Joe held his hand as he walked to the door. They kissed one last time and made a promise to see each other the next time they were both available.

It was their only promise they could keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the secret relationship part of this secret relationship fic... yeah can you tell I like taking my time in build up even if it's not meant to be a slow burn?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by:  
> -Me posting this at 3am because I’m on night shift and I felt like being nice   
> -Angst and yearning  
> -Gay people

Leaving the lecture hall after his last class of the day did nothing to lift the weight that had been on him all day.

Really, it had been on him ever since Nicky had left to go home.

Somehow he’d thought the two of them being honest about their feelings would make things easier. Now he was constantly thinking about what it really meant to be someone a priest broke their vows with.

He would almost worry that Nicky hadn’t thought it all through. Yet Nicky was seemed to be so sure. He had no doubts he knew what he was doing. He was ready to take Nicky into his room, strip him down, and show him exactly how good it could all feel. How his Catholic guilt was to blame for everything. That they had a real chance for happiness, even if no promises were being made.

He wasn’t a fool. He knew things could only go so many ways and most of them lead to one or both of their hearts breaking. When his heart was first broken, the friends he’d had at the time had to help him pick them up. He’d only been twenty-one and he’d cried in the bathroom of a bar at Andrew’s twenty-first birthday. Joe had gotten drunk for the first time as he had stopped keeping halal earlier that year and had watched as Andrew made out with his girlfriend out in the open.

He had known then he would never have him and he’d just have to live with that.

He’d never told Andrew how he’d felt because the rejection had hurt too much.

With Nicky, if he hadn’t told him, he wouldn’t have ever thought about telling him no matter how much it ate his entire being up. He hadn’t say no because he simply hadn’t wanted to. Nicky so clearly wanted to have both the emotional and the physical aspects that could be in a relationship, and Joe was only so strong. What ever ethical complications arose was his own problem, as long as he knew Nicky wasn’t feeling pressured in any sort of way.

Part of him thought that he should’ve lied and scared him off and told him he’d had a lot of sex. Nicky had somehow made that conclusion for himself. It seemed to be the closest to anything holding him back.

Although, maybe it wouldn’t have done anything. Nicky had been thoroughly convinced Joe was this man who had a high body count and still had told him how he’d felt, even ready to properly start something. He clearly hadn’t expected him to be someone who could count the times on one hand. It wasn’t only his dislike of casual sex, he almost didn’t see the point in he himself having sex if there was no emotions behind it all.

The first time he’d had sex had been with a man named Omar. They’d dated for a few weeks before they’d slept together. They had only done it once and Omar broke it off because things weren’t working out due to their work schedules. He’d had a relationship before Joe and it had been a hard conversation when he knew he had to tell him he’d had never had sex before, and his only experience in kissing was with a man at a gay bar. It hadn’t even been a good kiss, it was full of the taste of tobacco and bad alcohol. He’d gone home immediately afterwards, vowing to first have sex with someone he actually knew and liked. Omar was good enough for that, even if they’d ended things quickly.

The second man was named Reggie. They’d dated for a month before they’d had sex. Then one more time after that, which was him giving Reggie what was definitely a pretty awful blowjob. After that, Reggie stopped answering his texts.

That was when he’d started to work too much. He’d also met Booker when he’d started working at the university thanks to Andy’s recommendation. So Booker had started to set him up with available men he knew who he thought might be interested.

He’d never told him, or any of their friends, why he had a strong hatred for casual sex. Booker seemed to think he just saw the world through some kind of romance tined glasses where sex had to have emotion.

It was part of it, sure. Really though, he was just tired of being hurt. He couldn’t handle anything close to heartbreak anymore.

He wasn’t sure why he was setting himself up for it all over again. Maybe he just wanted the control this time. Even if his heart got broken in the end, at least he knew that was a possibility from the beginning.

He also knew that there could be the smallest chance his heart didn’t break in all of this.

An arm slung around his shoulder. “There you are! How was class?” Booker asked, letting go of him.

“Good. You?”

“Terrible. We’re onto Ulysses and most of the students are clearly using Sparknotes.”

“They’re using Sparknotes for university?”

“It’s one of my cores, what do you expect?”

He laughed, having an equal annoyance for students in core classes.

“Me, Nile, Andy, and Quỳnh were grabbing drinks tonight if you wanted to come,” Booker said. “I feel like we haven’t properly gone out in ages.”

“We haven’t,” he agreed. “Yeah, that sounds fun. I could use a drink. Where were we going?”

“Gay bar in the city. Nice place, Nile mentioned it.”

“Cool.” He could use going to a bar. If it’s a good one maybe he could talk Nicky into going, or one of the other’s he liked. Something about him told him he hadn’t spent enough time around queer people where they weren’t constantly condemned for existing. He wasn’t even quite sure where Italy stood on queer rights in a social sense. He should probably look that up to get a better understanding of Nicky. He knew the church had a strong hold on the country at times.

He had texted Nicky that morning to see how he was, which had turned into a phonecall. They talked quietly for a while, all of it just reassuring they both wanted to do this. That they were both more than ready. They weren’t sure when they were going to see each other again, hopefully this weekend or the next. All they knew for sure was that if they both still wanted to, they were going to have sex.

Just the thought of that made Joe think maybe it could be worth it in the end.

When he got back to his office he thought about sending him a photo of him in his it. That’s what someone did with their…

What even were they? Could he even consider them in a relationship? It wasn’t a relationship if so many barriers were in the way.

They weren’t each other’s anything. He was just a guy who had fallen in love with a priest and had decided to make what was probably a very bad decision.

He was still going to do it just for the chance. The smaller things didn’t matter, what mattered was him and Nicky. Putting a label on it or not didn’t change that.

It would be some kind of miracle if this didn’t all just blow up in their faces.

He thought about how it had felt to hold him in his arms. How it had felt to kiss him. It was like things had almost came together perfectly. He hadn’t wanted him to leave but he knew he’d had to. Having him in his arms like that felt like enough. He at least didn’t have to keep his love for Nicky away from him anymore.

When he knew it was coming from Nicky, he’d tried to stop him purely because he wasn’t sure if he was making a hasty decision. Hearing Nicky say it though, he knew what they were both feeling was real and maybe worth the pain ahead.

He just really hoped they got their happy ending. But Nicky was definitely in a place where most things could only remain abstract for now. They could probably find a way to go on dates without it looking like a date to outsiders. Maybe he should just see all of this as if he was just in a relationship with someone who was closeted. In essence, he was.

God, they really had to talk about that more. He didn’t want to only have the physical aspect. That wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

He probably really needed this night just to clear his mind.

* * *

He was sat around a table between Nile and Andy, Quỳnh and Booker sitting on the other side of the table. He was still on his first drink while Booker and Andy had had a few shots. Quỳnh had already grumbled about how she’d have to take a very drunk Andy home. Joe had lost a rock, papers, scissors with Nile for who would make sure Booker made it home alive.

It had been a while since Joe had been to a bar. It was mostly because he had been too busy. He went to bars a lot when he had been in university. He would say sometimes he felt too old but Andy, Booker, and Quỳnh were all a good ten years older than him and would definitely hand his ass to him if he said that.

“So good news, we finally have a date for our wedding,” Andy said, surprisingly not slurring her words two shots in.

Joe looked at her in interest. “Finally, when?”

“Next June, the 10th,” Quỳnh said. “It’s been almost impossible getting my extended family here at once.”

Andy hummed. “Thank god the family I care about are all in the UK. Quỳnh though can’t not invite all who care to make it.”

“You knew what you were getting into,” Quỳnh said with a smug smile. “We’re still keeping it simple though. We’ll have to go dress shopping soon.”

Andy groaned. “I barely want to think about that part. It would be so much easier to just elope.”

“It would but I don’t need to horrify my family.”

Booker laughed. “I was definitely ready to elope with Adele during the planning.”

“Do you still wish you did?” Andy asked.

“Some days, yes.”

“Didn’t you have a Catholic ceremony?” Joe asked.

He groaned. “It’s the horrors of two Catholic families coming together.”

“I’m not even sure if I could get married in a mosque, even if my future husband was Muslim.”

Nile tilted her head. “Maybe just elope. Or civil. Who doesn’t dream of a registry office wedding?”

“I would probably have to. I know my relatives are expecting it to at least in a mosque. I know my parents are going to hate disappointing their own, although I’d already be the last one getting married while passed the age of thirty so that’s probably enough.”

Andy let out a sigh. “Thank god we don’t have religious parents. That just seems like an added layer of bullshit.”

He nodded and let his mind stray to Nicky for a moment before forcing himself to not think that far ahead. He couldn’t get his hopes up like that.

“Yeah, being gay is enough,” Quỳnh said with a laugh and nodded.

He went to say something along the lines of ‘at least it’s legal in Vietnam’ before he felt his phone buzz. He glanced down and saw it was Nicky asking if he could call him.

All of his focus was drawn to that. He looked back at his friends. “Uh, I need to make a call. I’ll come back soon.”

They barely seemed to notice him say that, switching the conversation to something about drama between Booker and another literature professor who had ‘very wrong ideas about French literature’.

He found a quiet spot and called Nicky. “Ciao,” Nicky’s voice said cheerily.

“Hi,” he laughed, loving the sound of his voice. “Did you just want talk?” he asked.

“Sì. I missed the sound of your voice.”

He let out a sigh, closing his eyes and thought about how Nicky relaxed in his arms when he had been murmuring in his ear the night before.

They had to work out when they could see each other next. He’d asked him about Saturday but Nicky had to be at Saturday night Mass. Joe usually didn’t work Thursdays but Nicky usually did confession during the day. Nicky said he didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of having sex on Sundays. And Joe right now had a huge stack of papers to grade he felt too guilty to just hand most of to TA’s, leaving less time for them to meet up.

He was shooting for next Tuesday. It was still a week away. He could wait that long. This was still new to both of them so they would work out how to go through all this together.

“What are you doing?” Nicky asked.

“Just at a bar with friends.”

“Oh. I didn’t mean to pull you away from your friends.”

“It’s fine. They’re probably just happy they got me out of my flat. What about you?”

“Spent the night with Bruno until he tired out. Maria is still working. I’m just in my room watching TV.”

He thought about jokingly asking him what he was wearing but quickly decided against it. “Sounds like a nice night.” He paused for a moment. “I miss you.”

He pictured how Nicky’s breath may have hitched in his throat. “I miss you too. Is that bad? We just saw each other last night.”

“No. I think that’s normal for people who love each other.”

This time, he did hear Nicky’s breath hitch. “I like that. I wish we could see each other more though.”

“Just until I finish grading papers. Unless you want to keep me company but it would be very boring.”

Nicky laughed. “I don’t think I would mind.”

“You would and would very quickly. But next week if Tuesday still works out?”

“Yes. That day works perfectly right now. I wish it could be sooner.”

“Me too.” He looked back out to where the others were sitting. They seemed to barely notice he was gone but he couldn’t stay there forever. They would ask questions and he had no excuses right now. “I should get back right now. But we’ll talk again soon.”

“Oh. Yeah, right. Try calling me when you get home too. Just so I know you got home safely.”

He smiled. “Of course. See you soon.”

“You too. Ti amo, tesoro.”

He let out a long breath at the term of endearment. He wasn’t sure how they were already there but what he felt for him had happened so fast and it felt so natural. “Nhebek, hayati.”

“That means ‘I love you’, right? Sorry, my Tunisian Darija is less existent than my standard Arabic.”

He laughed. “Yes. And ‘hayati’ means ‘my life’. It’s pretty commonly used with couples.”

“Definitely keep that petname up then. I like it.”

“Anything for you.”

He was by far in too deep but one thing Joe was definitely not going to do was try to dig himself out. Purely because he didn’t want to. He hadn’t even tried using Arabic or Tounsi on other men besides Omar. It hadn’t crossed his mind at all. But things like this came so easily with Nicky.

“I’ll see you soon as promised,” Joe said.

“Good. And if you change your mind about letting me in while you’re grading papers let me know.”

He laughed lightly. How could this man already be the death of him? “Okay. Ciao, Nicolò.”

“Ciao, Yusuf.”

When he hung up and returned to the table, Andy and Booker had probably had two more shots each, having gotten into an argument about who was more insufferable at work; Merrick or Kozak. Joe decided to tune out of it and turn to Nile and Quỳnh. They were in the middle of talking about a show on Netflix he’d never heard of.

Already he wished he was back talking to Nicky.

He stayed quiet as his friends continued in their own conversations, taking slow sips of his beer, quietly wondering to himself if he was feelings too much too quickly for Nicky. That was something that he hadn’t really considered. He knew what he felt was real but he worried it would be some version of a whirlwind romance he’d have to watch crash. He wondered to himself what would’ve happened between them if Nicky wasn’t tied to the church. By now they would’ve definitely have had sex. Nicky would have probably met Andy, Quỳnh, and Booker. Maybe Ramla and Aziz.

Nile would probably introduce Nicky to the others eventually. It’s at least some kind of a cover but things could only last for so long. He knew the others couldn’t know and if they’d found out, they’d just try to talk him out of it. Maybe they would be smart to.

When Booker took another shot, that was when he suggested to him he should probably leave. His hangover was going to be bad enough in the morning.

Booker had driven there as he had a deep hatred for London’s public transport. He wouldn’t drink and drive which was why it always landed on him or Nile to take him home. He would just take an Uber home from there.

Booker was close to falling asleep in the car while Joe drove. Joe stayed quiet, listening to the quiet sounds of the radio.

When he pulled up to Booker’s house and took him to his door, Adele invited him in for a quick coffee.

“Thanks for that. As always,” she said, handing him a mug while he sat at their kitchen table after Adele took Booker to bed.

He smiled. “You really don’t mind that he gets drunk?”

She shook her head. “I trust him and I’m okay with him taking some sort of a break from working. And I know he’s in good company.”

“We try. I think he was especially happy to get me out of the house.”

“Yeah, he says you work too much. He just cares about you. He worked a lot when he was just starting out too.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes. “I have been doing this for a while you know. I just don’t have an active social life. My sister usually forces me out of the house though.”

“Just wait until you’re married. Then you’ll be forced out even more.”

“Hm, maybe dying alone isn’t that bad.”

She laughed, taking a sip of her own coffee. “He’s still dead set on finding you someone. I tell him to cut back. You can’t force love on someone.”

“Yeah. It’s about as easy as forcing it to stop.”

“Exactly.”

He took a sip of his coffee. He liked Adele a lot. She was an easy person to talk to. He’d first met her when Booker brought her to one of the charity events the university sometimes held. He’d only known Booker for a few months at that point and she treated him like an old friend.

They talked for a little longer, mostly about their kids. The eldest Louis was doing his A-levels, the second oldest Adam was in secondary school, and Jean-Pierre was still in primary school. He’d only met the kids a few times so he didn’t know them well at all.

When he finished his coffee, he waved bye to Adele and promised her he’d make sure Booker stayed hydrated during the day. He wasn’t at all ready to deal with his friend’s headache.


	10. Chapter 10

Nicky spent about ten minutes going back and forth at his destined shelf at Boots before he stopped long enough to actually look at what was there.

He stared at the condoms for a few moments, wondering to himself if he should’ve asked Joe ahead of time which he should get. Except Joe didn’t know he was there. This was just to prove to himself he could do this. And to show to Joe he really did want to do what they planned to spend that night doing.

The difficulty around this was much less about it being awkward and not knowing what he was looking for and much more the deep fear someone here was going to see him and recognise him. Then it would get back to his church and it would be all over.

He pushed the thought from his mind. That was at least unlikely to happen. He was still new to the church anyway. People might not immediately recognise him in his day clothes.

He put his focus back onto the shelves in front of him and wondered if he should text Joe asking him what… size was needed. Except that hadn’t had the chance to discuss who would be doing what for sex. Joe said he’d only had sex three times but he didn’t specify exactly what position he was in. Maybe he should buy for himself instead.

That made things even more difficult because now he didn’t know what size he supposed to get. What did ‘featherlike’ even mean? And ‘ultra thin’ sounded like it might tear, which was against the point of condoms.

He shook his head and decided to get one that said it was ‘extra lubricated’ to go along with a bottle of lube since this was definitely not enough.

The girl who served him at the counter didn’t even blink at his purchase.

Joe’s flat was a short walk away. It was October so the weather had really started to turn cold. He wrapped his coat around him tighter and started to walk faster, holding on tightly to his plastic bag.

He’d been thinking about this night more than he should’ve. Not about whether he should do it, just that it was going to happen and he was shocked with himself that he was going to let it happen.

He really only thought that because he never thought anyone would fall in love with him. Then Joe walked in like the picture perfect man and he knew he couldn’t deny his heart to him forever.

He’d tried to not think about what was going to happen in the future. Right now it was hard to picture one. They had to keep things between them, meaning a future together, the chance or the possibility, was non-existent.

The idea of leaving the church was something he couldn’t even picture. If he ever did, he’d have to be ready to sign nuptials with Joe and Joe would have to fully understand the social consequences that would last a lifetime. Telling people one’s spouse had left the clergy to marry them would surely get raised eyebrows and cruel looks. Nicky could handle it, he’d bring everything onto himself but he worried it would make Joe regret getting into all of it for him.

Right now, he just wanted to live in the moment. He wanted Joe, he wanted to love him, he wanted a relationship, and he really hoped they could have a future.

When Joe opened the door to his flat, Nicky couldn’t stop himself from stepping forward, grabbing a fistful of his clothes, and kissing him hard. His toes curled when Joe moaned against his lips. He did that to him, somehow.

“Hello,” Joe mumbled against his lips.

“Hi,” Nicky breathed out.

After Joe closed the door Nicky had left wide open, he looked at his plastic bag. “What do you have there?”

“Oh, for tonight.” He showed him the inside of the bag and Joe looked inside. “I was admittedly pretty lost for a moment. Why does lube have aloe vera in it?”

He looked at him and smiled. “One of life’s greatest mysteries. You know I already bought these, you didn’t need to get them too.”

He shrugged. “It’s fine. I think I just needed to get them for myself. If that makes sense.”

Joe watched him for a moment. “Yeah, I think I get it. That just tells me you… haven’t changed your mind.”

“That was the goal.” Then he remembered what he had to ask him. “But we haven’t talked about who will be doing what. That’s probably important.”

A look crossed Joe’s face that told him he hadn’t thought about it either. “How did I forget about that? Okay, uh, what would you prefer? You should get final say since it’s your first time.”

“Well, what did you do when you’ve done it?”

“All three times you mean? Well, first time I bottomed and I topped the second time. Third time was just a blow job. I don’t think I had a preference so what would you prefer?”

He paused for a moment, combing it through his mind. “I don’t think I know what I’m doing either way. I looked at porn once when I was doing my Masters which obviously took some liberties. I know anal sex isn’t like, that easy.”

“Well at least you know that.”

He nodded, thinking for a brief moment. “I think I want to top for today but I do want to try bottoming eventually. Does that work?”

He nodded. “That works.”

“Good.” And he stepped forward to kiss him again. Joe wrapped his arms around him, kissing him harder than he had before. A shiver went up his spine as Joe’s hand went to the back of his head to deepen the kiss. Nicky held him by his lower back, pressing his groin against his.

They moved to Joe’s bedroom, Joe taking his hand leading him the way. Joe pulled him onto his bed so Joe was sitting against the headboard and Nicky was between his legs. They went back to kissing, keeping it slow while Joe’s fingers grazed his hipbone.

“Do you want this slow,” Joe asked against his lips.

He let out a breath. “Yeah. That sounds nice.”

He hummed. “I really want to suck you off. How much time do we have?”

It was still early in the night, barely past five. “I told my sister I might be home late. She’s not nosy so she didn’t ask where I was going.”

“Good. I want to make you come more than once tonight.”

That gave him a full body shiver, moving his hips forward so his cock under his jeans, already half hard, pressed against Joe’s stomach. “Get your clothes off because I might die if you don’t.”

They undressed each other. Joe helped him out of his plain t-shirt, he unbuttoned Joe’s button up, helping him slide it off. His eyes skimmed Joe’s torso. He had thought about what Joe might look like underneath his clothes a lot in the past couple of weeks.

He didn’t expect _abs_.

He ducked down his head as best he could and kissed his chest. Joe let out a light moan and murmured his name.

“That’s nice,” he sighed.

He kissed his neck. “Good, it makes me feel better about not knowing what I’m doing.”

“Just do what feels right.” He tucked his fingers under his waistband. “How about we get these off?”

“Not a bad idea.”

They moved from their position to get their pants off. Then their boxers.

Nicky stared down at Joe’s cock and he could barley take his eyes off of it. It was hard and leaking precum. Not to his surprise it was circumcised which was weirdly something he hadn’t thought about while thinking about this first night together.

 _Okay, focus,_ he told himself. _Stop thinking about foreskin. Or lack thereof._

“Can I touch you?” Joe asked, now on top of him with Nicky on his back.

He let out a blissful sigh. “Please.”

Now fully hard, Joe took his cock into his hand. He ran his hand up and down the shaft slowly. He kissed him on the lips, light as a feather. “I love you,” he said. “You are… breathtaking, Nicolò.”

“Yusuf,” he whined. Joe had started to kiss his neck, fiddling his with foreskin around the tip of his cock.

He felt Joe smile against his neck. He absolutely wasn’t going to last long. Joe had said he wanted to give him multiple orgasms and Nicky didn’t have the heart to break it to him that multiple orgasms was the only way for them to get through this. He was sure Joe didn’t mind though.

Joe moved to his lips, kissing him again, the tip of his tongue lightly touching his. “I’m going to suck you off, is that okay?” Joe asked.

“Please,” he breathed.

He kissed him one more time before crawling down his body. He kissed his neck, he kissed his chest, he kissed his stomach, he kissed his thigh, and then he kissed the tip of his cock.

“I should warn you, I’ve done this only once,” he said.

“Oh that’s fine, one more time than me,” he mumbled. “I want to do the same to you tonight as well. If you want.”

“Sounds great.” And he wrapped his lips around the head of his cock, his tongue teasing the tip.

He sighed in the sheer pleasure of it. His mouth was so warm and wet. Joe kept his cock steady by keeping his hand around the base.

As Joe had said it would be, it was all slow. His body was hot, sweat prickling the back of his neck. He put his hands in his curls because he had to put his hands somewhere.

Joe’s hand let go of his cock and he went a little deeper. The back of his tongue ran against the back of it. Joe hummed against his cock.

“Joe,” he mumbled, his fingers stroking his face. Joe’s nose rubbed against his groin. He pulled up with a pop and smiled at him, taking hold of it and stroking him.

“Are you good?” he asked, his smile so sweet. He pressed his thumb to the tip.

He let out a small moan. “Great.”

Joe kissed him, a quick press to his lips before going back down, his tongue trailing against his cock.

He was close, so close. He tried to get the words out but he could only moan. That seemed to work as encouragement for Joe and he took him back into his mouth, giving hard sucks before he came right into his mouth. He kept his mouth there until he was done, licking him clean. That almost made his entire brain explode.

He was breathing heavily as Joe crawled up to him, smiling down at him. He brushed their noses together before he kissed him again. He tasted salty against his tongue.

When he pulled away, Nicky looked up at him with hooded eyes. “That was definitely a lot better than humping a mattress.”

Joe laughed, pushing Nicky’s damp hair out of his face. “I certainly would hope so.” He kissed him again and Nicky smiled as he kissed him back.

“Your turn,” he said and he pushed Joe onto his back easily. He could feel how hard he was against his leg. He was sticky at the tip.

“Just take it slow, okay?” Joe said as he crawled between his legs. “And don’t get overly ambitious.”

He nodded before turning his attention to his cock. He took it in his hand, rubbing his thumb over the tip. Joe gave the sweetest gasp when we did that. He smiled to himself and ran his hand up and down the shaft.

His fingers were a little sticky with precum already. He brought his fingers to his lips and took a moment to lick them. Salty and bitter.

He hovered over him for a moment before he wrapped his lips around the head for a moment, lightly sucking it. Joe gave a small sigh. “Nicolò.”

He smiled to himself. He pulled back slightly, just far back enough where his lips still brushed against the tip. “Keep saying my name.” And he took him more into his mouth, going passed the head that time.

He groaned again. “Nicolò, _fuck_.”

Joe was sitting up which gave the perfect position to look up at him. His head was tilted back and his eyes were closed, his mouth opens as he breathed heavily.

He was beautiful.

He thought about pulling away and telling him that but he also didn’t want to stop him from feeling like this. He reached his hand up and brushed his fingers against his jaw. Joe looked down at him and he smiled at him. Nicky hummed, running his tongue against him.

“You’re doing great, hayati,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

His body shivered at the petname. Just like when he said it on the phone.

He tried to push down and went as far as he could without gagging.

“Nicky, Nicolò,” was Nicky’s only warning before felt Joe come in his mouth. He didn’t pull away until he was over.

He pulled off when Joe was done and a panting mess. He had the self satisfied thought that he had been able to do that to a person, to this gorgeous and beautiful man.

He couldn’t help it, he kissed him again, so hard that Joe gasped against his lips before kissing him back. Joe’s hands were back in his hair. He could still taste himself against Joe’s mouth and something about their tastes mixing together made his body hot.

He pulled away, keeping their noses together. “That was nice,” Joe said, absolutely breathless.

He grinned. “Good. Still have it in you to go further.”

“‘So long as you are,” he slurred out. “That takes more time than blowjobs. But the payoff it great.”

He smiled and kissed him again before sitting up. “I don’t know what to do so I’ll need you to talk me through it.”

“‘Course,” Joe said. “Get lube. Did you bring your bag in here?”

He nodded. It was somewhere on the floor. He’d have to pull away from Joe which he really didn’t want to do.

He quickly got off the bed and picked up his bag. Joe was still sitting against the headboard while Nicky got onto his knees. He pulled out the bottle of lube and the condoms. He left the condoms on the bed and held onto the lube.

“It’s easier to do this if I’m on my hands and knees but honestly, I want to keep looking at you,” Joe said, cradling his face in one of his hands. His eyes sparkled as he said it.

He was so in love with this man he could barely handle it.

“Then don’t move.” He kissed his forehead. “So what do I do?”

He told him how to stretch him out and Nicky followed along. It sounded both simple and complicated all at once.

They started to kiss again just to work themselves up again. Nicky was half worried that he wouldn’t be able to get hard again but Joe’s hand giving him one squeeze made him go half hard almost instantly.

Their tongues ran against each other as they both worked the other up. Joe was warm in his hand and it was pretty mind blowing he could make someone feel like this. That someone would ever see his body as something desirable.

When they were both hard, he pulled back and picked up the bottle of lube. He bit his lip as he looked down at Joe.

“Doesn’t this hurt?” he asked, looking down at his nervously.

Joe had gone to lay down. He smiled up at him. “It will but it’s good when it’s ready.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me.”

And he never wanted to.

He took a deep breath and squeezed lube onto his fingers. He kissed Joe on the lips again as he reached his hand down and slid his index finger around the crease until he found his hole. He slowly pushed inside of him.

Joe just hummed under him, giving him a smile of assurance. “That’s good, Nicolò.”

He swallowed and nodded, working his finger around. Joe felt tense but he moved around until it had felt like he had relaxed. Joe still smiled up at him like it was the best feeling in the entire world.

“You’re beautiful,” Nicky said, out loud this time.

Joe flushed red and it definitely wasn’t a flush from his orgasm or his current pleasure.

“You are something ethereal, Nicolò,” Joe said. “I don’t know,” he stopped to let out a moan. “I don’t know how I have you like this. In any way. You might have as well been sculpted by the greats or something divine. I don’t understand,” a sigh of pleasure. “How you are real or how you are here with me right now.”

Nicky bit his lip and pushed in a second finger because he really didn’t know how to respond to that other than try to make Joe feel good.

Joe moaned again. “Good, good Nicky. You’re doing so great.”

He continued like that, kissing Joe every so often. He mumbled ‘Yusuf’ and ‘I love you’ every few times.

He knew that if he hit the prostate it would feel really good for Yusuf but he wasn’t sure how to hit it. He was too focused on stretching him out and Joe was already a moaning mess. He’d probably have to find it on his own.

He gave a sharp inhale when he added a third finger. “Keep going,” Joe assured, pulling him down to kiss him.

Nicky focused on stretching him out. Joe was still tense so he went back to kissing him. He can feel him smiling against his lips as he slowly loosened.

He wished he could live in this moment forever.

“Okay, I think I’m ready,” Joe said breathlessly against his lips.

They pulled apart so he could get the condom on. Joe helped him put it on and Nicky coated it properly with lube. He went between Joe’s legs as Joe pulled his legs back.

“So I just… push in?” he asked, looking down at Joe. It wasn’t lost on him how he looked so gorgeous waiting and ready for him. His curls were damp from sweat and he could see his flush under his light brown skin.

“That’s the idea,” he teased. “But yes, just push it in.”

He nodded and looked down. He rubbed the tip of his cock against the crease of his ass until he found the hole. He pushed in and let out a long, deep moan when he felt his warmth.

Joe shivered under him, his head rolling back as he gave his own moan. His eyes were closed as he reached up, trying to find his face. Nicky smiled as he leaned into the touch, falling forward so their foreheads touched.

He moved his hips slowly. This wasn’t about a quick release, this wasn’t about cheap pleasure, this was, in it’s purest form, two people using their bodies to show each other how much they loved each other.

He buried his face into Joe’s neck as he continued to make love to him. Joe turned his head so his lips were brushing his ear.

“You’re doing so, so good, hayati. You,” his breath hitched. “You’re making me feel things I never thought I could feel.”

He let out a heavy breath. “Joe,” he moaned, his hips bucking forward. Joe’s hands were on his back, one his them on his lower back.

“I love you,” Nicky breathed out and bucked his hips at a different angle.

“I—” he gasped. “I love you too. Do that again.”

He rested his forehead against his and kept the same angle. Joe came apart in his arms, a mess of sweet moans. He reached down and held his cock in his palm. It was leaking precum all over his hand. Joe responded by squeezing around his cock.

That was enough for him to come, gasping Joe’s name again as he squeezed his cock in his hand. Joe came almost a second later, the cum landing on both of their chests.

He panted for a moment, letting his mind clear up a little as he finished off completely and pulled out of him. Nicky fell onto his back, staring at the ceiling.

They lay in silence for a few minutes. Their arms were touching, the skin sticky with sweat.

“How are you?” Joe asked, rolling onto his side. Nicky looked at him with a tired smile.

“Pretty great. Kind of sticky though.”

“I guess we need a shower.”

They smiled at each other and moved to Joe’s bathroom to wash it all off.

They kissed against the tiled wall for a few minutes as the water sprayed over them. Joe had him against the wall and to be in his arms like that was its own kind of bliss.

They did eventually get around to cleaning themselves up properly. Joe had insisted on cleaning his back, his lips trailing his shoulders. Joe seemed to be completely enthralled by how broad they were.

Maybe it was blasphemy but this moment was Heaven.

They slipped on their boxers and returned to the bed to lay in each others arms. Nicky head laid on Joe’s chest. Joe traced a finger up and down his hip.

He wanted to fall asleep like this but he had to go home soon.

“How do you feel?” Joe asked, his fingers combing through his hair.

Nicky let out a light sigh. “I feel… better than I have in a long time. You?”

“About the same as you do.”

They fell into a silence. There wasn’t much else to say.

They’d done it, they broke his vows. They had been shattered into pieces that he couldn’t put together. Yet no regrets were held.

Joe kissed his temple. “Are you sure you can’t spend the night? Not even say you were sleeping at Nile’s?”

It was tempting but he couldn’t risk it. “No. I don’t want to drag her into this.”

“Oh. I understand.”

They stayed in that same position until time blurred together. It was probably getting late and Maria would absolutely start wondering where he was soon.

He rolled on top of Joe and gave him one, two, five, ten, twenty deep kisses. When he pulled away Joe looked up at him with watery eyes.

“I love you, Yusuf.”

He stared up at him for a few moments before he pulled up for one more kiss. “I love you, Nicolò.”

He took a deep breath and got off of the bed. He got dressed while Joe just watched him with an expression he wanted to kiss away.

“I can drive you home,” Joe said, his voice full of so much hope. He hated that he had to break it before their eyes.

“No. We can’t risk it.” He turned back to him as he pulled on his t-shirt. “People can’t know, Joe. I can’t risk things getting back to the church. _If_ I leave it I need it to be on my own terms. I don’t want it to be something the church tries to persuade me into covering up either. No one can know.”

He hated that he was the reason so much sadness crossed Joe’s face. “But… you said we could be friends. People can know we’re friends surely.”

His eyes stung with tears. “I don’t want to risk us looking at each other in any way that would make it obvious to others how we feel about each other. We can’t even risk rumours. Joe, we need to take this seriously.”

“I am taking this seriously. I promise you I am. I’ll just… okay, I’ll look at this as if I’m dating someone who’s closeted. That works, right?”

He decided against telling him that was exactly the situation he was in, just with an extra hurdle. “Yes, that works.” A beat passed. “I’m sorry. I wish all of this was easier.”

Joe watched him for a moment before slipping out of bed and stepping towards him. He held his face in his hands before he rested their forehead together. “Even just the chance to be together is worth it, ya amar.”

He was such a romantic but he knew that kind of high they were on wouldn’t last forever. Soon he’d realise the gravity of the situation he was in, if he hadn’t already.

Nicky gave him one more kiss, squeezed his hand, and ordered and Uber, deciding to wait in Joe’s flat.

When he got home, Bruno was in bed and Maria was curled up on the couch. There was the faint glow of the TV as he stepped into the kitchen. He hadn’t eaten since lunch, he’d realised.

“Hey,” Maria said in a casual effort of acknowledgment.

“Ciao.”

He broke two minute noodles and dropped them into a pot. He filled it with water and stood by the stove as the water boiled.

Being away from Joe gave him a real chance to really look back on what had happened.

He had no regrets. Not yet at least. The night with Joe had been everything he’d denied himself for half his life. All men had been off limits. The opportunity had shown itself more than once. So many men in the US liked the novelty of an Italian international student. Maybe something in him showed that part of him he thought he’d done a good enough job at hiding.

That went the same with Joe. Maybe he would’ve never attempted this if Joe hadn’t asked him out on a date. Maybe he still would’ve told him how he’d felt and they still would be where they were now.

He wanted to keep what things had developed into. But it still wasn’t enough. He could just picture him cooking himself and Joe meals in that same kitchen. He thought about coming home from a job he couldn’t even picture while Joe was painting. The two of them falling asleep together and waking up together everyday. Joe taking him to family events. Nicky taking him back to Italy and showing him where he had grown up. Spending time with Joe’s friends.

Casually holding hands in public. Quick presses of lips before they left for work. Anniversary trips where they took a million pictures in front of landmarks together.

He had never allowed himself to picture a life with a man and here he stood, thinking about a life with a man he had barely known for a month. It was so easy to paint a perfect picture in his mind when it came to Joe.

“You need to introduce me to your friends,” Maria said from the couch as he took his plate to sit with her. “Nile sounds nice.”

He smiled, twirling the noodles around his fork. “She’s great. I think you two would be friends.”

“You saw her tonight, right?”

He shook his head through a mouthful. “No. A friend of hers. Friend of mine. Joe.”

Half truths were probably okay. Hiding him would probably do more damage than anything. “He’s nice. You’d like him. I met him at the charity event I went with Nile to. He teaches art history at a university. He’s really nice and sweet.”

She smiled. “If I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to set me up with how you’re talking him up.”

He hadn’t even realised he’d been doing that. He shuffled back in his seat. “Even if I was, he wouldn’t be interested.” He paused. “He’s gay.”

She barely reacted to it. He was surprised he’d even said it. But there was no point in hiding Joe’s sexuality. This was about him, not Joe.

“I’m glad you’re making friends. I don’t think you talked to anyone when you were still back home.”

Not a total lie. He’d talked to other priests, nuns, and parishioners. He’d talked to Nile. But for the most part, he’d kept to himself. Maybe he should meet more of Nile’s friends. He needed a larger social circle than what he’d had.

“Me too.”

They fell into silence and he watched the TV with her, not really paying attention.

If he were to ever tell Maria about any of this, he wasn’t sure how she’d react. They didn’t have any gay family members and he didn’t know if she had any friends who were like that. He didn’t expect hatred or disappointment. He just knew that it wouldn’t be overwhelmingly positive.

The same went with his parents. He had never had the chance to wonder if they would’ve preferred for him to love a man or to never love anyone.

Marco was a different story. They had grown apart when he’d moved to Rome, only hearing from him a few times a year. He was much more traveled than the rest of them. Even if they weren’t super close anymore, he of all of his family was the one he’d expected to have the best reaction. He’d seen on Facebook how he was a groomsman for a male friend who had married a man. It had brought a small smile to his face but his family had never talked to him about it.

Even then, Marco would probably find a way to judge him for breaking his vows. Maybe judge Joe for being that kind of person.

He kind of felt guilty about putting Joe in that position but he was old enough to pull away. It was on both of them and they were both not only foolish enough to do it but foolish enough to not want to stop. He just hoped neither of their hearts broke in the process.

He wondered if Maria could read his sins all over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good communication is Very important to me.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back with another early posting, thanks to me being on nightshift again, at 5am and (surprisingly) only three coffees in. 
> 
> I probably should've mentioned in the notes of the last chapter that I am weirdly an expert at Making Sex Chapters Sad Somehow. But we're here for the yearning, there's a reason the title is from Illicit Affairs.
> 
> This chapter is brought to you by:  
> -sleep deprivation   
> -bad poetry  
> -lovesick gays  
> -the inherrant romanticism of saying endearments in your partner's native language

Joe could barely pay attention to the funding meeting that day. He didn’t have much of his own input so it wasn’t like it really mattered but he knew it was best to at least look like he was listening.

Truth be told, it was very difficult to concentrate on work when you’d spent your night having the best sex of your life.

Okay, maybe ‘best sex of his life’ was a little too generous. He didn’t have many times to compare and what he hadn’t told Nicky was that it was the first time he’d actually had a blow job — thanks for nothing Reggie — so it was a completely blissful experience.

Then the actual sex happened and he never wanted it to end, finally understand why sex while in love felt so much better than when it was purely a physical thing.

He’d already let go of hangups that he’d had sex with a priest. He let go of that surprisingly quickly, even with the fact Nicky hadn’t ever even kissed anyone before him. Maybe if he’d been more experienced he wouldn’t have even considered doing any of this. His lack of experience coupled with already falling so in love with Nicky was enough to make him okay with it.

That wasn’t the hard part. No, the hard part was having to watch him leave.

Joe knew he couldn’t be as hurt by it as he was. He knew what he was getting himself into, what he had already gotten himself into. If you decide to date a priest then everything would have to be secret. Nicky would probably only let Nile introduce him to Booker, Andy, and Quỳnh. He just hoped he wasn’t so paranoid that he thought they shouldn’t even be seen in the same room together. It wasn’t like he couldn’t control himself around him.

His mind strayed back to the night they’d met and how the others had seen them talking. By now they probably forgot about it. Maybe didn’t even think twice about it. They probably thought higher of him than for him to be someone who would get involved with a priest.

Maybe he was just a huge idiot.

“We need funding for our medical research,” Merrick whined from the other end of the table. Legitimately whined like a child not getting a toy they wanted, dear God.

“All research needs funding, Professor Merrick. You don’t get special privileges from the university just because you think you’re more deserving,” Andy said from next to Joe.

“Me and Dr. Kozak could cure cancer, how is that not more deserving?”

“You haven’t provided enough evidence to us that you are on that path to warrant extra funding. We would prefer not to cut another course just for you,” said the board director with a long sigh.

“Why not cut an elective that has low sign up rates. I’m sure you could find… something.” He eyed Joe when he said that. He’d been trying to convince the board that his Islamic Art History class wasn’t worth keeping around for the better part of a year now. Joe never let it get to him. Merrick was probably the sort whose brows rose when he’d first read ‘Dr. al-Kaysani.’ People like him weren’t worth making a fuss over.

“We can’t get rid of a class just because you personally don’t like it,” Booker said from his other side.

Joe laughed to himself as Merrick gave an annoyed expression.

The meeting continued on and Joe looked down at his ‘notes’ which had turned into him writing lines of poetry. He hadn’t indulged in the art-form for a long time. He’d started out when he was a teenager before writing an endless amount when he’d still had feeling for Andrew. That had been an embarrassing amount of lovesick words that he grimaced at thinking about now.

This was probably no better but at least it was requited now.

_‘His touch sends me to the Heavens’_

_‘His eyes are a sea that I would be happy to drown in’_

_‘The thought I can both have him and not at the same time is what the combination of heaven and hell may be’_

Not his best work but at least he was getting his feelings out on paper as a chance to make sense of them.

Booker had definitely noticed he hadn’t been paying attention. He could see his eyes were peeking from the corner and at his paper. He probably expected him to be doodling and not writing poetry. He was definitely going to get an earful about it later.

When the meeting was over, Joe was ready to run back to his office. He hated meetings and he hadn’t had the chance to check his phone to see if Nicky had texted him. He was half worried that he regretted what had happened and was having some sort of breakdown. He needed to at least check and see if he was okay.

He barely made it down the corridor before Booker caught him.

“You’re in a weirdly good mood,” he said, matching his pace.

Despite everything, he was. He had been floating on the high of last night like it was a drug that would soon wear off, which it probably would. He could enjoy Nicky in the moment all he wanted but soon he’d have to learn to accept they both had to talk about what the future held. If they wanted to go that far, if they wanted to keep this a secret forever… if Nicky would ever even seriously consider leaving the church. That wasn’t even an easy process. It’s not like he was asking him to leave a job so they could move for his own, he would be asking something so serious and life altering from him.

That was why for now, he just had to view it as if he was dating someone closeted and paranoid. That was easier to handle than anything else.

“Am I?” he asked Booker.

“For having to listen to Merrick be an ass for two hours? Yes. What’s up?”

Well, here come the first of lies. “Nothing really. Do I have to have a reason to be in a good mood?”

“Mhm, and were you writing poetry?”

He felt his cheeks flushed and he looked away. “Does it matter?”

“It does if you’re seeing someone… are you?”

Dammit, he should’ve discussed more logistics with Nicky. “No. That wasn’t even poetry, just ideas.”

Booker didn’t look convinced but he didn’t push either. Thank God.

He let him get away back to his office and when he was behind his desk, he checked his phone. There were no new messages or voicemails. He let out a breath and typed in a message.

Joe: _hi_

He stared at his screen for a solid five minutes before he got a response.

Nicky: _hi_

He tapped his fingers along the side before he wrote anything else.

Joe: _how is your day going?_

Nicky: _good. Bruno and I saw a movie._

He smiled at the thought of Nicky spending time with his nephew.

Nicky: _I’ve been thinking a lot about last night._

Before he could worry, Nicky sent another message.

Nicky: _I want it to happen again but I also want more from you. I know the situation isn’t ideal but I know I’ll regret it if we don’t try something. I just don’t know exactly what that is or what we’re going to do yet._

He let out a breath as he read the message. No regrets, if anything just desperation for something more and real.

He said it before he had a chance to think about it.

Joe: _We could go on a holiday. I’m not sure when. But just the two of us out somewhere. We can pretend we’re just a normal couple for a few minutes._

Nicky’s response was to call him.

When he brought his phone to his ear he barely got out a word before Nicky spoke.

“That’s a brilliant idea. That’s actually a great idea. I— when would we be able do that?”

Joe paused. “I don’t have annual leave until next summer. But I do get a break at the end of the year.” Then he frowned. “You’re probably busy with Christmas.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yes. I am. I’m going Italy to see my parents.” He sighed. “But I’d be back before the end of the year. I could just lie and say I’m staying with family longer and we could spend a few weeks somewhere over the new year.”

He turned that over in his mind. “Where would we go?”

“I’m not sure. We can work that out later. Not too far though, somewhere still in Europe.”

“Right. I’d like to go somewhere warm but I guess that’s not really a possibility without going too far away.”

“Yeah.” His voice was defeated. He wished he was there with him right now, just to comfort him. “I’m sure we’ll find something nice.”

“And instead of sightseeing we could just never leave our hotel room.”

He heard Nicky’s laugh on the other end and it was as if it made everything better. “Yes, that works great, amore.”

Joe didn’t hold back his big grin. “We’ll work all this out, I’m sure.”

“Me too.”

In truth, there was only one way things could go for them to really be together but that was still too much of an ask. Even a suggestion. If Nicky brought it up on his volition that was different but he couldn’t bear the idea of even accidentally pressuring him to leave the church. Even if his reason for joining in the first place was a result of his own self hatred.

He looked at the time and saw he had a tutorial in fifteen minutes. “I have to go, babe. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Mhm. That offer to just sit in your flat while you work is still there. It’s better than not seeing you at all. I can make you dinner.”

He thought about it for a moment then nodded. “You know what? I’d like that a lot. I have to get back to work right now though.”

“Okay.” Then he said ‘I love you’ in very poorly practiced Tunisian Darija.

Joe stopped himself from laughing and allowed himself to feel the warmth he would even try. “Ti amo,” Joe said in response. Because there was always a certain intimacy in saying affection in your first language but there was even more when it was your partner’s.

“I’ll help you out with your Darija,” he said. “But that was very sweet, hayati.”

“I’m sorry for butchering it. I’ll practice more.”

This time, he did laugh. “You should, I doubt our free time will allow our mouths to do anything close to practicing it. I’ll see you tonight.”

“You too. I need to get lunch ready for Bruno anyway.”

It was almost physically painful to hang up the phone.

* * *

Nicky arrived to his flat a little after five. When he let him in, Nicky greeted him with a kiss on the cheek.

“I brought groceries,” Nicky said holding up a plastic bag. “I plan to make hearty Italian food.”

“Thank you, I haven’t eaten since lunch.”

He returned to grading papers while Nicky busied himself in the kitchen. It was an open plan so he could see Nicky cooking from where he sat at the dinner table.

Soon his room smelt like an Italian restaurant. Nicky had put on some music so every so often when Joe would glance in his direction he saw him moving his hips to the music. He could hear him humming along too.

He licked his lip and looked down at the paper he was grading. It was the last one. He put all of his focus on it and let out a breath as he finished off the feedback. He smiled to himself and stood up slowly, walking to Nicky.

He wrapped his arm around him from behind as he stood at the stove and kissed his temple. “Hello.”

Nicky laughed. “Shoo, I’m cooking. I need to focus.”

“But I’ve finished working. I’m lonely.”

Nicky swayed in his arms for a moment. He took on of his hands in his and kissed the back of it. “I do want to feed you though. It sounds like you have very bad eating habits.”

He rolled his eyes, ignoring how he sounded like Ramla. “Well now I have you to feed me. I don’t think that’s a bad change.”

“Go sit down. It’ll be ready soon. Then we can continue this.”

Joe held back a sigh, kissed the back of his neck and stepped away to let Nicky cook. He continued to watch him, a smile creeping on his face.

It was no where close to what this could look like if it was permanent but it was nice to have him two days in a row like this. After going over a week without seeing each other any time together felt temporary. Nicky probably wouldn’t stay as late as he’d had yesterday, Joe wasn’t even expecting them to have sex again. The last thing he wanted was to make their relationship mostly about the sex.

That reminded him to ask him what label to put on what was between them. What they even could consider themselves when they had to keep it behind closed doors.

He had to wonder if a situation where you couldn’t even say you were dating someone could even be considered a relationship.

He pushed that thought away. That was cruel towards Nicky and the genuine things they felt towards each other. He had to be fair and patient even if it hurt all the way through.

Nicky served up the food and set his plate in front of him, kissing his head as he did.

He’d made risotto. He smiled at Nicky and kissed him on the lips as a thanks.

They talked about their day, Nicky lighting up as he talked about Bruno. He told him about how they had gone to the park and got ice cream.

Joe talked about work and told him about absolute asshole Steven Merrick.

“He’s the kind of person that thinks the world can exist without the arts. Or that scientists don’t need to take any sort of ethics classes. He probably would’ve been the kind of person who would’ve motivated ethical measures before there were any!”

Nicky smiled at him. “Yeah, he sounds dead awful. I can imagine. I knew people like that when I was in university. Some people doing STEM classes were in my ethics classes and they always groaned about having to take them. So is there just a constant war between the STEM and humanities departments?”

He considered that question. “Not exactly a war but there is some tension, at least with the STEM people who think humanities are pointless. Then you have the people who are just straight up racist and think anything that doesn’t focus on the white Christian standard is worthless.”

Nicky nodded along. “Shit like that is awful. You clearly love the Islamic Art History class you do too, why should that be considered less than STEM?”

“Merrick is about ready to shut it down completely just so he can get funding for cancer research he has next to no evidence to prove it’s worth pursuing. I’m also almost certain he has said people in the humanities department shouldn’t be considered doctors, like he doesn’t know what a doctorate is!”

He was complaining about Merrick far too much. He cleared his throat. “But you know, I don’t let it get to me.”

Nicky gave an amused smile. “No, I like hearing you rant. It’s obvious you needed to get it out.”

He smiled back at him. “Any interesting work stories for me? What is the church you work at like anyway.”

“Very different from home. Uh, this one is actually really gay friendly compared to the one I grew up going to. Not that my old one would go on rants about ‘the evils of homosexuality’ like you see in the United States but… the energy was always there. When I was a teenager, I knew a girl about my age who was a lesbian and she stopped attending after she came out due to the hostility. This one… it’s different in a good way. I didn’t pick it out or anything, I guess it was just luck. And it’s nice to not have kids coming into confession and crying to me because they hate themselves for how they feel.”

He frowned. “Did that happen a lot?”

He drew his eyes away and that seemed to serve as his answer.

He thought about a young teenage Nicky sitting in confession and crying over exactly this. Quiet sobs and false hope given to him out of teaching built on guilt and shame.

“It’s a nice church. The other priests are okay but I mostly keep to myself. Most are older than me. It’s not like other jobs where you might go out drinking on Friday nights together. But yeah, I guess I like it.”

He thought about asking him what there was for him anymore if the reason he’d became a priest in the first place was out the window.

But that was a boundary that was up to Nicky to bring up.

“Anyway, enough church talk,” Nicky said. “Are you finished eating?”

He looked down at his place, a few stray bits of rice left. “I guess.”

That seemed to be enough prompting for Nicky to move to his lap, wrap his arms around his neck, and kiss him softly on the lips.

Joe relaxed against his lips, holding onto him by his hips, almost feeling like his body shot up to heaven.

They stayed like that for a while, their lips slowly sliding together. Nicky’s fingers combed through his hair. Joe’s thumb rubbed his hipbone.

It was so easy to get lost in his lips. Enough where his sense always went out the window.

He pulled away, which prompted Nicky to brush his lips against his neck. “Nicky,” he breathed out. Nicky kissed the spot behind his ear. “How long can you stay?”

“Not much longer,” he said. “Maria may not be nosy but I don’t want her to get suspicious.”

He thought about commenting that why should his younger sister care what her thirty year old brother did but he could guess it was more to do with his occupation.

They kissed for a little longer before Nicky pulled off him to get ready to leave. He ran to his bathroom to fix himself up. His hair was a mess and his clothes were ruffled up. His face wasn’t exactly flushed but he still splashed some water on his face to cool himself down. Joe just watched him from the doorway, looking at him through the mirror.

When he was done, he walked back to Joe and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Joe just nodded. He almost thought about asking him to stay the night just for the chance but he knew it was pointless. He just kissed his cheek and walked him to his door.

When he closed his door the sound echoed in his flat.


	12. Chapter 12

Mid November in the UK was easily much colder than the same time in Italy. Nicky had started wearing a scarf when he would leave the house. It was actually Joe’s scarf that he let him borrow. It had become his favourite scarf. It had Joe’s scent on him and whenever Nicky started to miss him too much, he’d bury his face into it and take a deep inhale.

He and Joe saw each other a few times a week. Sometimes they had sex, sometimes he cooked Joe dinner, sometimes they did both. Sometimes they did neither and just laid on the couch together to watch a movie. Or they’d watch a movie and have sex, never leaving the couch.

It had been kind of a mess if he were being honest. He was running out of excuses to give to Maria. She’d eventually start asking questions and he didn’t want to lie to her constantly. But he couldn’t tell her the truth either. He had no idea how she would react to it if he ever told her and he didn’t want to risk their relationship. As tempting as it was to spend the night at Joe’s every time they he went over, it wasn’t worth losing Maria over something he still wasn’t certain about outside of his pure, unadulterated love. For all he knew, Joe might get tired of their secrets and end things.

The thought of ever leaving the church was still one that nauseated him. He’d built his life around it and to tear it down over one person felt like a bad idea when he still wasn’t completely certain. He still doubted that day would ever come.

“Nicky, you ready to go?”

He looked at Nile as she waited in his doorway, dressed in a knee length blue dress.

Nile was taking him to an alumni charity event that her university held. They hadn’t had the chance to properly go out together outside of the occasional lunch or coffee. She’d jokingly called him her ‘date’ but it was also a good chance to introduce him to her friends. Which meant he would be meeting Joe’s friends.

Joe was going too and it was also a good excuse to see him even if they wouldn’t be able to be alone together. Just having Joe’s presence would be nice. Although it was starting to become less than enough. Not when he would spending the time making sure they didn’t so much as touch or look at each other in any way that would suggest the true nature of their relationship.

If his friends did figure it out he wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to do. They wouldn’t approve of it that was for sure. It killed him to think he might be a reason they thought less of Joe.

“I’m ready,” he said, smoothing down his button up. The event wasn’t too formal so he’d only put on a plain grey shirt and black pants.

She drove them the way to the hotel the event was taking place. When he followed her in, he saw it was a nice space for an event to be held, with high ceilings and a big chandelier.

She lead him to four people, three women and a man. Nile introduced them quickly and they gave him kind smiles in return.

“It’s a shame we didn’t get to meet at the gallery,” the woman named Andy said. He recalled her hosting the bidding for her fiancée sculptures. She had a strong presence and he kind of liked that about her.

He nodded. “Yes, although that was a very enjoyable night. Quỳnh’s work is lovely.”

“Not enough to actually pay for though?” Quỳnh asked with a cheeky smile.

“Not on my salary.”

The woman next to Sébastien ‘call me Booker’ named Adele brows raised. “What do you do for work then?”

Well, here’s the bomb. “Oh I’m a priest, normal stuff.”

Adele was the only one to seem to have any sort of reaction to that. He wondered if the others had already known. “That’s certainly unexpected. I think I rarely see priests out of uniform.”

“I dress for the occasion. It’s not like I sleep with my collar on.”

Andy laughed. “You didn’t tell us he had a sense of humour, Nile.”

Nile beamed. “Why do you think I kept him around? Where’s Joe anyway? It’s not like him to be late.”

“He isn’t, he’s getting wine,” Booker said and then looked right at Nicky. “You would remember Joe, right? From the gallery?”

He nodded, trying to figure out the best course of action to take before he gave a contradictory story.

He didn’t have to though as Joe walked up to the group with a glass of wine. He was dressed in a grey jumper and dark jeans. His curls looked more defined than usual and his beard was more trimmed than from the last time he’d seen him.

He did his best not to openly gawk at him.

“Nile! Nicky! You made it,” he said, looking at both him and Nile with a grin, flashing his white teeth.

“Good to see you, Joe,” Nicky said, stopping himself from calling him ‘Yusuf’. That was a form of intimacy reserved for when they were alone.

“I wouldn’t miss awful work events,” he said with a grin.

“Speaking of, are Merrick and Kozak here yet?” Nile asked, her eyes darting around.

Andy scrunched her nose. “I think they’re skipping tonight. Probably off breaking ethical codes or something.”

Joe nodded and looked at Nicky. “I told you about Merrick, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, hoping that meant they were going through the angle that they were friends.

“Well, he’s bad on his own but he and Kozak are worse together. Condescending assholes.”

Nicky smiled a little. “Glad I could avoid them.” He glanced at Joe’s wine. “I could use my own drink. Where’s the bar?”

“I’ll show you,” Joe said and looked at Nile. “Want one too?”

“I drove tonight so no thanks,” she said.

He and Joe walked towards the bar together. He did his best not to touch him but even a brief brush of arms or hands would be nice.

“You look really good tonight,” Joe said in Italian.

Nicky’s body felt warm. “You do too. What’s our story anyway? We should’ve figured that out earlier.”

“We’re friends, that’s easy enough. No harm in my friends knowing I’m friends with a priest, as long as you’re not trying to convert me. Or are horrifically homophobic.”

He stifled a grin. “Don’t worry, you’re safe from me. I think I like you better as a Muslim anyway.”

Joe smiled at him as they reached the bar. Nicky picked up a glass of wine. “They seem nice, your friends. I want to be on good terms with them.” He beat passed. “What do you think would happen if they knew.”

Joe paused before replying. “They did see us together at the gallery. They… could tell we liked each other. Or I liked you at least.”

He stared at him. “And you’re telling me this _now_?”

“Look, as far as they’re aware, we’re friends. They’re not going to reprimand me for that. They wouldn’t guess we, you know, fell in love. Not… as quickly as we did for sure.”

He nodded along. Sometimes it was hard to process how quickly it had happened. It was so much to feel in that short amount of time. Now loving Joe made the same amount of sense as breathing.

“Okay. Right. But do you think that will figure it out?”

“I wouldn’t put it past them but none of them have ever seen me in love, just a long list of failed dates. I should be fine if you just don’t give me too obvious love bites.”

“Mark you chest only, got it.”

They smiled at each other for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” Nicky said. “Meeting your friends shouldn’t be like this. I should’ve come here with you, you should be able to tell them we’re together.”

“Nicolò…”

“I don’t like this anymore than you do, you know.”

“Of course I know that. You’re… you’re worth this though. I know you didn’t promise me anything.”

He’d told him that for both of their sakes, to avoid as much hurt as possible. He didn’t expect there to still be so much pain.

He wished he could tell him that he’d promise him the world if he could.

They returned to Joe’s friends, who were in the middle of talking about Andy and Quỳnh’s upcoming wedding. He smiled and listened along. Joe inserted comments every now and again. It was nice to listen to overall.

“I’ve only ever seen big church weddings,” Nicky said as they talked about how they were planning to have it in a garden. “Hard to picture anything else.”

“Same with me but with mosques,” Joe said. “I’ve only ever been to family weddings though so that’s probably why.”

“Well I promise you Joe, you’re going to like an outdoor wedding. Lykon is officiating it,” Andy said.

Something passed across Joe’s face at the mention of that name. “How is Lykon anyway?”

“Good. Shame it didn’t work out between you two.”

Joe only shrugged in response. “He was nice but yeah, just didn’t click.”

Nile raised a brow. “Why do you guys always set the poor guy up anyway?

“Oh simple, he’s hopeless on his own,” Booker said, gesturing his hand out to Joe. “Weren’t you in love with your straight best friend?”

“When I was young and doing my Bachelor, yes. But you’ve only known me for three years, you can’t make too bold of an assessment that I’m just hopeless.”

“You’re picky as hell though.” Booker looked right at Nicky. “You know he once left a date because the guy yawned too loudly.”

He looked at Joe with a raised brow. “You did?”

“He’s exaggerating, I already didn’t like him that much,” Joe said a little defensively.

He smiled. “So what’s the way to your heart?”

“Being completely emotionally unavailable probably,” Booker said and took a sip of his champagne. “No offense,” he added as Joe glowered.

Nicky took a swing of his own wine, ignoring the unintentional implications.

“I do not do that,” Joe argued, his voice raising an octave. “I— I’m just too busy to fully invest. And so what if I’m picky? I just take relationships seriously and don’t get the point of casual dating.”

“That’s just because the two times you did it you were ghosted,” Quỳnh said although a little empathetically.

Nicky could guess those were the two men Joe had had sex with. He’d admitted to him after the second time they’d had sex he hadn’t gotten a blow job in the past. It was still hard for him to believe that someone as beautiful and kind as Joe wouldn’t have men who wanted to stay falling to his feet.

“It doesn’t matter,” Joe said with a shrug. “The right one will come when he comes.”

Somehow he could tell Joe was trying desperately to not look in his direction.

There was something certainly cruel about how he couldn’t even reach out to hold his hand.

One day. Maybe. Hopefully. At least they had each other to some capacity and that was very close to being almost enough.

Maybe their holiday together would put both of them into a better state of mind. Neither of them worrying about being seen by someone they knew, no schedule to get home as soon as possible. Just the closest thing to a normal couple they could be.

The night continued, Nile talked about what it was like teaching as a professor for her first year, Nile and Booker argued about some French book he didn’t know, Andy and Joe complained about people in the history department, Quỳnh and Adele smiled and affirmed their significant other’s complaints they had probably had an earful of before, and Nicky stayed almost completely silent.

Someway through the night, when the festivities were over, Joe said he was ready to turn in. He looked at Nicky and offered to drive him home as they ‘lived in the same direction’.

That was partially true. They did live in the same direction but he lived closer to Nile than to Joe. But he wasn’t going to say no to having alone time with Joe, especially if Nile seemed to want to stay longer.

“Nice meeting you, Nicky,” Andy said as they left.

“Yeah, bring him around more Nile. I love the idea of corrupting a priest,” Booker added and gave a mocking wave. Nicky just laughed along. Booker had told him how he’d grown up going to catholic school in France although he’d lapsed. He couldn’t blame him for any level of resentment.

When they were in Joe’s car, Joe leaned over the console and kissed him deeply. Nicky moaned and kissed him back desperately, pulling him closer by his shirt. His beard tickled his face, making him want to bury his face into it more.

Joe pulled away, resting his forehead against his. “How long can you stay out?” he asked, absolutely breathless.

“I just told Maria I would be ‘late’. I can probably stay passed midnight.”

Joe almost floored it on the way to his flat.

When they got there, Joe pulled him by his hand up the stairs and through his door. Joe pinned him against the door and shoved his tongue down Nicky’s throat. His knees bucked, pressing his back further against the wall to stop his knees from falling to the ground.

Joe’s response to that was to hold him up by his ass, squeezing it in his palm. “Dammit, I’ve wanted you to pull you out of these clothes from the second I saw you,” he said, resting his forehead on his shoulder. “You left a few buttons undone, it looked, so damn sexy. Everything you do is sexy.”

Nicky breathed heavily, pushing his hips forward. He was close to being fully hard already. “Bed. Now. Before I collapse.”

“Need me to carry you?” he asked in a light tone, nipping at his ear.

“Wouldn’t complain.”

That was enough to prompt Joe to pull him into the air so Nicky could wrap his legs around his hips. Somehow he was able to get him to his room, practically throwing him onto the bed. Nicky rested his head on the pillow as Joe crawled on top of him.

Joe gave him a cheeky smile. “Hello.”

“Ciao. Are you just going to talk?”

“I have a few plans.” He kissed his throat. “I was thinking about what Booker said. About corrupting you.”

He hummed. “That’s your job, isn’t it?”

He felt him laugh. “Guess so. But he doesn’t know you’re just a horny fuck.”

“It’s the Catholic repression— oh yes, keep doing that,” he sighed as Joe started to lick his tongue along the delicate skin of his neck.

He pressed a firm kiss to his shoulder. “How high can the dog collar cover?”

His fingers trailed Joe’s skin under his shirt. “Probably not too high. Horny fuck.”

Joe responded by kissing him. Then blowing him until Nicky was a moaning mess, coming right down his throat. He was limp on his back, breathing heavily as sweat coated him.

Joe was on his knees and Nicky looked up at him through his eyelashes. He was only wearing boxers and he could see how hard he was through them.

He was about to hook his finger into the waistband before Joe leaned forward to whisper into his ear. “Can I fuck your thighs?”

He let out a groan and a delirious ‘please’.

He felt Joe shuffle away and grab the lube from his draw. Nicky took that as his opportunity to pull down his boxers. He squeezed his ass when it was bare. Joe responded by kissing him and kicking them off.

He heard the click of the bottle of lube and Joe quickly positioned himself so he could push between his thighs.

Nicky stayed still as he thrusts between them. There was a certain ecstasy in Joe taking please from his body in such a way. It was blissful, even if he technically wasn’t getting pleasure on his end. The pleasure was knowing Joe felt good.

He rubbed Joe’s back as he started to buckle under him as he orgasm drew closer. Joe had started to mumbled sweet things into his ear, his lips brushing against the shell of it.

Joe came onto the bed when Nicky squeezed him with his thighs.

Joe rolled off of him and they both stared at the ceiling for a few moments, heavy breathing filling the silence.

“Where did that come from?” Nicky asked, rolling onto his side. “Not that it wasn’t great but it was new.”

Joe turned his head towards him, bits of his curls sticking to his forehead. “Thought it would be a good alternative to you bottoming. Also, I just really needed to come now.”

Nicky laughed and buried his face into the crook of his neck. “I’d like to try it soon. Too tired right now.”

Joe held him by his hip, kissing his face. “That sounds nice.”

He smiled at him before he remembered that nothing could last forever. “I should probably head home. It’s probably getting close to too late.”

The look of pure joy on Joe’s face disappeared in an instant. “Right. I forgot.”

He gave him a sad look before kissing him on the lips. “I’m glad we got to see each other tonight.”

He brushed their noses together. “Me too. Can I drive you home this time?”

He thought about it for a moment before he nodded. “Yeah. Please, I’d like that.”

Joe got them both face washers to clean up with. They weren’t nearly as messy they could be, most of the semen ending up in Joe’s mouth or his bed.

When he got dressed he tried to look as close to when he’d left as possible. He splashed cold water on his face like he always did in an attempt to get rid of the post-sex flush on his cheeks.

Joe gave him a kiss before they stepped out the door together.

“I liked your friends. I think I forgot to say that,” Nicky said when they were already half way home.

“They like you too I think,” Joe said. “They’re good people. I think I can start bringing you around places as a friend and they won’t get suspicious.”

He paused. “That sounds nice. I need more friends anyway, can’t just have you and Nile, right?”

He laughed. “It is a surefire way for you to get sick of me, yes.” He pulled up to his house. They looked at each other for a few moments.

“I’ll see you soon,” Joe said.

He nodded. “Always.”

When he stepped out of the car, he watched him leave until he turned the corner and was out of sight.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we start today, I want to share [some wonderful sketches](https://katiekate-hawkeye.tumblr.com/post/639888935093452801) mi-llo on tumblr made for this fic. They're so cute and I really appreciate it so you all should check them out.

December had more or less crept up on him. He’d been so distracted by work he barely noticed how the weather turned colder and colder. The only thing that allowed time to exist at that point was the university schedule.

Now that Nicky was in Joe’s life, he’d been able to have a better work-life balance. Even if most things took place in his flat. It was nice to even just have someone who was completely separate from work, someone who was entirely his own. He probably needed that more than he was willing to admit.

The Christmas break was coming up and the university had sparse decorations for the holiday. Those kind of things had always made Joe remember being a kid growing up in the UK and asking his parents the tough question of why they didn’t celebrate Christmas. His child mind didn’t completely understand and thought it was just some big occasion where kids got a lot of toys. It was mostly funny looking back on. Although he did have plenty of Christian friends who were just as confused as to why he didn’t celebrate the holiday.

Most years Joe ignored it all together. Christmas day was just another day of his break leading up to the new year. Boxing day had good specials. He typically didn’t indulge in Christmas traditions unless friends were having their own parties. If he and Nicky had a future he’d be happy to join in the nonreligious parts of the holiday.

For now though, he and Nicky would have to be briefly apart.

Nicky was set to leave to go back to Genoa on the nineteenth, his sister and nephew going too. Nicky had told him Bruno had never been to Italy and had talked rapidly how excited he was for him to see where he came from. He’d added on a very bitter note his former brother-in-law had always made his sister see his parents for Christmas instead since it was cheaper to drive to Essex than it was to fly cross country, as well as easier when you had a toddler.

There of course was their own plan for new years. They would ring it in by going to the Netherlands. They’d agreed to go somewhere a little more accustomed to the cold for a holiday over a romantic getaway that was only ideal to go to in the summer. Maybe next time for his annual leave.

For now, Joe just focused on final assessments for the semester.

He’d been trapped in his office for most of the day. He usually got lunch with Andy today but they were both too busy with grading to do meet up. He hadn’t seen Nicky much at all either, which was disappointing since they’re going to be apart until the twenty-seventh.

Nicky had been coming over more and staying later. It wasn’t the same as if he could stay the night as if they were normal boyfriends. But Nicky was starting to relax a little. They went out for dinner to a Greek place Joe liked. To outsiders it would’ve read as two friends but it was the closest thing to a date they could have right now.

When they were in the Netherlands, the could act as much as a couple as they wanted to. Nicky wouldn’t have to look over his shoulder to make sure no one he knew or could recognise him from the church saw them together. Joe didn’t have to worry about coworkers seeing them and asking him about his boyfriend, something that would certainly get back to Andy, Booker, and Nile.

They could just be in peace for a few days. Not worries, just the two of them enjoying a holiday together.

He was meant to see Nicky in two days. His sister was home more so he didn’t have to help out as much with his nephew as he usually had to. Joe wanted to cook him dinner again since Nicky did it more often than not. He loved Nicky cooking for him and even though he wasn’t as good as a cook as he was, he enjoyed cooking for him. He tended to cook much more if he was cooking for others than just for himself. He grew up seeing cooking for others as a form of love. His baba would cook for his mama on her birthday or their anniversary or if he just wanted to make her happy. He wanted to do the same for Nicky as much as he could.

When it was after four he forced himself to leave his office. He always tried to not stay too late. If he stayed until he was finished, he would be there until after the cleaners left.

He texted his TA’s to check on how their grading was going. Joe was just passed halfway his own stack. He wanted to get it done before he saw Nicky. He was never a fan of his mind being on work when he was trying to be social. Now that especially applied to Nicky. Nicky deserved all of his attention. He’d come by a few times when he was still working and Nicky hadn’t yet gotten bored watching him scribble on papers.

As he walked down the corridor of the humanities building as he just passed Andy leaving her own office.

“Heading off then?” she asked, adjusting her bag on her shoulder.

He nodded. “Yeah. Final assessments always do my head in. Is Nile holding up?”

She snorted. “I hope so. I think she’s still getting used to everything. Anyway, no more work talk; what are you doing over the break?”

“Giving myself a holiday to the Netherlands. I think I need a real break.”

She beamed. “Glad you’re actually getting out. I’m sure all those forced to see their family for Christmas envy you.”

He laughed. “I’m sure.”

“So what? You’re going alone or are you hiding a secret lover from us?”

He playfully knocked her with his elbow. Going to the Netherlands alone wasn’t the most bizarre thing in the world so it wasn’t like he couldn’t get away with it. Although a part of him still wished he could tell her the truth.

It was time like this where he remembered he couldn’t even bring him to Andy and Quỳnh’s wedding. It was small things like that where he especially hated the situation they were in. It wasn’t a normal relationship as much as he could pretend it was no different from dating someone closeted. Being closeted was forgivable, this was a situation where he chose to put himself through painful secrets.

“So… are you going with someone?” she asked again, less teasing this time. “You can tell me you know.”

He shook his head. “No. All alone like a sad man. I think I just need to get out of the UK for a while”

The lies were starting to build up and he knew so soon they would just crash before his eyes. He wasn’t sure he’d rather that than to admit to everything. They were going to find out eventually, he knew that. He’d have to talk to Nicky if it should happen soon. Nile was the person that made the most sense to know first. Maybe soon Nicky would be in a position where he’d felt comfortable with that. That could wait until the new year. Or when they were back in the UK. He didn’t want to ruin it with serious adult talks about their future. Right now, it still felt like they weren’t going to have one.

“If I do get a boyfriend, you’ll be the first to know,” he said lightly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. His mouth tasted bitter at the lie.

“If you have one by the wedding feel free to bring him along,” she said. “That’s the joy of small weddings. We can fit one more person if needed.”

He gave a small smile. “I like how you think I’d find a boyfriend in the next six months.”

“Oh I don’t, just putting it out there.”

He rolled his eyes but he still smiled.

He knew that affection would disappear if she knew the situation he’d put himself into.

* * *

He trailed his lips along Nicky’s shoulders as he lay on his stomach. He could hear him laughing, Joe feeling warm with each small kiss he left.

“What is with you and my shoulders?” Nicky asked, his cheek resting on the pillow.

He finished off his trail of kisses, leaving a playful bite on his shoulder. “Maybe I just have a thing for broad shoulders.”

“Clearly. Feels nice though.”

He continued to trail his lips along his shoulders, enjoying the sound of the small moans Nicky made.

He was set to leave for Italy in two days. They were trying to make up for that lost time as much as possible. Then even more so when they would be together in Amsterdam. They had plans to do some sightseeing and going out to dinner as much as they could, maybe go to a bar for the New Year. He was just looking forward to having Nicky to full capacity for two weeks.

He thought about asking him if they could tell his friends about their relationship right then but he decided against it immediately. He didn’t want to ruin anything right before a holiday.

“Any big plans in Italy?” Joe asked when they have moved position, him now resting his head on Nicky’s chest while Nicky combed through his hair.

He hummed. “Nothing special. My family always goes to Christmas mass and then have a big lunch. When I still lived in Italy my parents would come see me do mass there. I mean, they always did but Christmas felt more special to them.”

“I always forget that Christmas isn’t completely commercialised for everybody.” Then he told him about how he’d spent years not knowing how Christmas was meant to be a religious holiday and he took a long time to understand why his family didn’t celebrate it too.

“I always wondered what that would be like. To not celebrate it but have it rammed in your face,” Nicky said. “For me though, it’s always been a religious ordeal. Yeah I get presents but it was always about the religious part in my family. Nowadays I almost forget that some people who grew up Christian separate the religious parts entirely.”

He snorted. “Good for them. I know Andy and Quỳnh just see this as a break for new years. Booker and his wife always make a big thing out of it, entirely without the religion.”

Nicky paused for a moment. “What do you think would happen if we were together properly and it was Christmas time? Since you don’t celebrate.”

He looked up at him curiously and adjusted his position so he was now side by side with him. “What do you mean?”

“Theoretically speaking, people knew we were together; what do you think we’d do in this time of year?”

It took him a few moments Nicky was trying to construct an abstract future for them. His heart rammed in his chest. They hadn’t talked about what the future would look like if Nicky was ever not a priest but it pulled in his chance to at least imagine it. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to pray or go to mass.”

“Obviously. If it was just the two of us though?”

“I don’t know. I’ve always pretended Christmas was just another day of the year. What would you want to do?”

“Use it as an excuse to have a three course lunch. I remember when I was in the US, Nile invited me over to her family’s place for Christmas. Her mother made really nice food. That’s the part I like about Christmas. I also wouldn’t mind buying you presents.”

He smiled and kissed his temple. “We can buy each other gifts any time of the year.”

“I know but I guess Christmas always made it feel like it was more.”

He thought about it for a moment. “Well, I wouldn’t ask you to not celebrate Christmas. I see my sister a lot for Iftar even though I don’t practice anymore. I always loved that aspect and just eating as a family. And we always see my parents for Eid al-Fitr. My brothers and their families come down too and we just eat and enjoy each other’s company. You could come to that and they’d love to have you too.”

Nicky smiled at him. “That sounds great.”

Maybe navigating the complexities of their relationship being inter-faith was something they should’ve talked about from the beginning. But at least they were talking about it now.

Nicky rolled on top of him. “No more talking about religion. No religion when we’re naked in your bed should be a rule.”

He smiled up at him. “Can’t argue with that.” He pulled him down and kissed him on the lips. He wasn’t really in the mood for a second round but it was nice to kiss him just because he could.

When they stopped kissing, Joe curled into him. “What is the first thing we should do when we get to the Netherlands?” he asked, brushing his lips along his jaw.

Nicky pushed his hair out of his face. He smiled at him as he did. He loved that Nicky seemed to fascinated by his hair. “Hold hands in public.”

He smiled. “Not literal first.”

“I know. I want to hold your hand in public though. I know it’s a weird thing to fantasise about but when we can’t do it, it feels like something I can only dream about.”

He propped chin on his hand to look at him. “I know what you mean. The simple things in life feel like more when it cannot be done. I think about just holding your hand on the street like it’s as big as declaring my love verbally in front of everyone I know. The Netherlands will be like our slot in time to really just be together and pretend we’re not trapped by our current circumstances. We’re just lovers wanting to go some place nice.”

Nicky’s lips twitched. “Such a romantic.”

“You should see the stuff I write down, it’s much better.”

He sat up at that. “Wait, you’ve actually been writing poetry? About me?”

“Uh… yes?”

“I thought you were joking about that!”

“I could pull them out for you. They’re a little more structured than just me speaking.”

He gave a furious nod and Joe grabbed his iPad to read him out what he’d written.

He picked out one that he wrote recently. It described Nicky as the moon and himself as the sun. A perfect balance that works in harmony, how he hoped his light shines off of Nicky, how they bring out the beauty in each other. Nicky kept his eyes on him as he read it, eyes glistening the further he got through it.

“Read me another.”

So he did. This one was about the unstoppable force of love and how they were inevitable. How it was the kind of love he knew they were destined for.

The one after that had a certain amount of religious imagery.

The one after that compared them to Patroclus and Achilles.

The one after that just talked about Nicky’s eyes.

“Wow. I— wow.” Nicky looked at him in awe. “You can’t have possibly come up with all that because of me.”

He smiled at him. “Of course I did. You’re pretty much a muse for me.”

That made him smile. “I wish I could write like that. Sometimes the way I feel about you is in words that don’t even exist.”

He brushed his fingers against his forehead. “Trust me, I feel like half of this stuff can’t encompass how I feel about you. I try my best with words and I’m good with them but you are beyond any word in every language. I can only try to get the words right.”

Nicky reached up, his fingers grazing his cheekbone. “You are something else, Yusuf. I love you.”

He leaned down and kissed Nicky softly. “Nicolò, you are something out of this world. Something out of my dreams.”

Nicky’s breath fanned his face. “I love you,” he said again. “Ti amo. Nhebek. Je t'aime.”

“Are you just going to repeat it in every language I know?” he asked with a cheeky grin.

“That’s how I know to show you I love you.”

He laughed and brushed their noses together, saying the endearments back to him.

He loved this man more than he’d ever be able to completely verbalise.

Nicky let him drive him home. He’d broken that fear. He’d even come inside to say hi a few times. Bruno liked him, remembering him from the carnival, and Maria seemed to as well. He hadn’t imposed or anything. Nicky had assured him that Maria would be happy to have him over for dinner.

He saw that as important progress.

Nicky didn’t lean over the console to kiss him. But he did squeeze his hand.

“I’ll see you in the Netherlands,” Nicky said and opened the door.

He nodded. “I’ll save you a good kiss.”

“You better.”

He watched Nicky from the mirror as he drove down the street.


	14. Chapter 14

Nicky hated flying. He hated airports. He hated the entire process.

It was definitely made worse when you had a four year old.

He did have to talk Maria into going to Italy in the first place. Their parents were getting older and Nicky didn’t think it was fair to make them fly when they feasibly could. Bruno hadn’t been on a plane before so hopefully he’d be distracted enough by his iPad to keep quiet for the next five hours to Genoa.

It was cold in the airport so he’d put on the scarf that belonged to Joe. It still smelt like him and the cologne he liked to wear. Joe had texted him that morning to have a safe flight.

As excited as he was to see his family and to be back in Genoa, he really couldn’t wait to see Joe again.

He had thought briefly about taking Joe back with him some day. If that was even a possibility for the future. His parents wouldn’t push Joe into going to church, they didn’t push Marco into it. Marco usually spent the time they were at church preparing the entrées for lunch. Maybe Joe would help him out. He could see them getting along. He could see Marco inviting Joe in with warmth and kindness no matter the rift between them.

He could see himself telling him first if he were to ever come up with that courage.

While they were waiting for their flight to be ready to board Bruno had fallen asleep in his lap as Maria downed a coffee. She’d gotten him his own cup too.

He also hated airport coffee.

“You good?” she asked as she took Bruno from him to lay him down in her lap. “You miss home a lot, don’t you?”

He smiled. “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

“Maybe. I hope things haven’t changed too much from when I was last there. Has it?”

“No. I’d say things are about the same.” He looked down at Bruno. “Might be a lot for him though. I wish you’d spoken more Italian to him.”

She gave him a sad smile. “So do I. Nathan was always worried he’d get confused. He can still learn though.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “I really owe you for all of this. Packing up your life like this was a big ask.”

He frowned. “You know I’d do anything for you.”

She smiled at him. “I know. I think you’re too selfless sometimes.”

He wanted to snort at that. He wanted to tell her that he was selfish enough to lead someone right to heartbreak just because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and told him how he’d felt about him. The idea of ever leaving the church was still terrifying. He wasn’t sure what he would even do with his life if he did.

He wanted Joe so badly. He wanted him more than he’d wanted anything in his life. His feelings for Joe almost overrode all the guilt he’d grown up feeling, leaving him only with the priesthood on his shoulders to weigh him down and preventing a future for them.

That wasn’t a selfless man. That was a man who took something when the opportunity was given to him and he knew the consequences it would bring. Consequences he’d created for himself.

Instead of unloading that onto Maria, he just smiled at her and gripped onto Joe’s scarf.

He wasn’t a selfless man and he might get both of them hurt in the end.

But he also might end up somewhere happy. It was an off chance but… there was still a chance. A slim chance and it was all dependent on himself and how long Joe was willing to wait for him.

The poems provided some promise he would wait until the ends of the earth and that they felt just as strongly about each other. He wished he could put it into words like Joe could do so masterfully. Joe deserved all the good words out there. He deserved the best words possible. He just had to find out what he could give him instead.

The plane ride was mostly easy. Bruno slept through most of it and Nicky did too, putting Joe’s scarf over his nose so it was almost what he imagined falling asleep next to him was like.

Just one week and he and Joe could have a holiday like a normal couple.

* * *

Mama threw her arms around both of them in a tight hug when she saw them at the gate. He hugged her back just as tight, already feeling the warmth of being home.

Papa hugged both of them as well and put Bruno on his shoulders to take them to the car. Mama talked rapidly about how church was no longer as good without Nicky being there and he laughed his way through. That was one of her biggest complaints when he’d told her he was moving to the UK to help Maria out.

Bruno sat in the middle in a booster chair but he stared out the window for most of the ride. He looked in complete awe. It warmed his chest to see that. They would have to show him around the city the first chance they got.

They were staying at their parents place. Their old rooms were mostly still intact. His room hadn’t changed since he’d left for university.

Marco was still taking his train from Rome. That would take about five hours and he’d left later in the day than he and Maria.

When Nicky was in his old room to get changed and shower, he sent a text to Joe first to let him know he’d landed safe and that he missed him.

After his shower, he checked his phone and saw that Joe had texted back a quick response and a lot of hearts. They’d agreed to keep the texting minimal so he could focus on his family but he almost wished he could just spend the entire time talking to him.

They hadn’t been apart like this before. Not when there was an ocean between them. Even though they had gone over a week without seeing each other before, the real time apart made so much of a difference. If he went more than three days without seeing Joe, he would crash his lips against his the second the door to his flat closed and would kiss him as if they hadn’t seen each other in years.

Against his better judgment, he took a picture of himself in his room, only wearing his towel and his hair still wet from the shower, and sent it to Joe. He didn’t add a caption, Joe would know what to do with it.

After he got dressed he left his phone in his room and sat in the lounge with Bruno while he was an Italian children’s program he stared at curiously. He hoped the Italian would catch on. His parents refused to switch to English unless they were talking to him directly and had accepted he wouldn’t understand their sentences.

Marco arrived late that afternoon and lifted Maria in the air when he saw her. They hadn’t seen each other since before Bruno was born. He always said his job in Rome kept him too busy to travel. Maria introduced Bruno to him and Bruno looked like it took a moment for him to understand he had more than one uncle.

“Hows the UK been for you?” Marco asked Nicky after a quick knock to the shoulder the served as a greeting.

“Good,” he said rubbing his shoulder. “My friend from the US lives there so I’ve been seeing her a lot. Church is good too.”

Marco nodded along, clearly losing interest at his mention of ‘church’. “Doing more than keeping your nose in a bible or whatever you do at your job?”

“Yes.” Was all he said.

“Sorry, I’m being too mean aren’t I?” Marco said, looking genuinely sorry. Things were usually better if they at least pretended for a few moments that Nicky didn’t have the job he did.

He thought about how Marco would react if he’d ever told him the truth about him and how he’d probably blame the church for putting him into his position. Nicky knew he wouldn’t be wrong to. It was the correct assumprion.

He shook his head. “It’s fine.” That’s what he’d figured was always the best phrase for his family. ‘It’s fine.’ ‘I’m fine.’

Marco turned his attention back to Bruno and cooed at him in Italian. Bruno just scrunched his face in confusion before Marco gave up and grumbled about what an asshole Nathan was to not let him learn.

That was one thing he and Marco were always on the same page on, Nathan was an asshole.

“You guys never liked Nathan,” Maria rolled her eyes after they’d moved to the kitchen. “You always found something about him to complain about.”

“You settled for him and you were only in your mid twenties,” Marco argued.

She snorted. “At least it wasn’t some whirlwind romance. I did put thought into it.”

“Hey don’t knock whirlwind romances, some people find real love through that,” Nicky said as he poured himself a glass of water, a smirk on his face.

Marco laughed. “Honestly yeah, I’d take actually feeling something like that over just marrying someone because I don’t think I’d find anyone else.”

“And that’s why you’re not married,” Maria said.

Nicky laughed, taking a sip of his water. “You guys are too much.”

“What about you? If you didn’t do this whole priest thing, how soon do you think you would’ve gotten married?”

He shrugged. “I probably would’ve waited until it felt right. Definitely not settle. I do think you can fall in love quickly though. If you don’t feel it quickly and truly and just feels neutral at the start then I don’t think it would be worth it.”

Maria gave a fake gag. “You would’ve been an awful poet.”

“That’s why I just read things already written down.”

Marco smiled. “It wasn’t totally bad. Are you hanging out with poets now?”

He took another sip of his water, hoping to mask the light pink flush on his face. “I have a friend who likes poetry. I think he dabbles in romance a little more than anything.”

“You have more friends than Nile?” Maria asked teasingly.

“Joe. You’ve met him before, just briefly.”

“Oh right, your Muslim friend. He’s nice. Bruno likes him.”

Marco gave him a curious look. “Are you even allowed to have non Catholic friends?”

He shrugged. “Yes, and God is God. Different interpretations don’t change that.”

“I’m glad you don’t go around trying to convert people at least.” He sounded genuinely happy to hear that. He wondered how little faith Marco had in him nowadays.

Mama made dinner that night. It was nice since Nicky was so used to cooking for others, other than the times Joe cooked for him. It was usually Tunisian dishes, and he would cook Joe Italian food as a trade of their cultures. It was a nice communication of love he hadn’t expected when things had started between them.

Marco talked about a woman he was dating in Rome. They’d met at work and she was from Spain. Mama whined something about how none of her children were going to marry another Italian which they all laughed at.

They opened a bottle of wine to celebrate being together as a family again. Bruno got upset when he couldn’t have any, pointing out that ‘older kids’ could have it at church. Nicky did his best to explain to him how communion worked without mentioning the part it was meant to be the blood of Christ. He still barely understood that Christmas wasn’t just an excuse to get presents.

When he returned to his room he checked his phone to see Joe had gotten back to him. He saw he had sent him a string of texts and a photo.

Joe: _Nicky fuck_

Joe: _Nicolò holy shit_

Joe: _horny bastard you are_

The picture he’d sent was one of him sweaty and lying in bed. Nicky bit his lip at the sight. He went into his bed, preemptively bit into a pillow, and put the picture to good use.

* * *

Most of the days in Italy was spent showing Bruno around, visiting old shops in the village Nicky remembered, stopping by his old church for a quick hello to familiar faces, and Bruno wanting to get gelato almost every day.

It was nice for the most part. It was nice being home, it was nice being with his family, it was nice to have the familiarity.

He just also knew that Joe was meant to be here too. Not sitting at home alone. Joe had told him he always used this time to soak in a real break. Either sleeping in or painting. He’d seen Joe’s drawings before and he saw he would draw a lot of portraits and animals. He hadn’t drawn him yet as Joe had a rule where he’d always ask people if he could draw them. Nicky had said no just because the idea kind of it embarrassed him. This was back in October though and he might change his mind if he was in the right mood.

Part of him was also concerned about leaving a paper trail. They had texted each other but what were the chances people would see that? Tangible things were much riskier.

Even though they’d agreed to keep texting minimal, he’d still been texting Joe every morning and every night. Most of it was tame. A lot of it was just because he was desperate to talk to him again. He didn’t want to hold it all in until they were in the Netherlands.

Although once they saw each other in the airport absolutely nothing was stopping him from running towards Joe and kissing him until it got inappropriate for a public place.

He watched as Maria and Bruno decorated the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. They were trying to get the star on top of the tree. Nicky smiled as he watched, sitting next to Marco.

“I’m sorry about not coming to mass tomorrow,” Marco said, taking a sip of his tea.

Nicky turned his head to look at him. “I’m of the opinion there’s no point in going to mass if you don’t want to be there, unless it’s for a wedding or funeral obviously.”

He snorted. “You’d be lucky to get me in a church for Bruno’s first communion.”

“I think it would be okay to skip that.”

Marco smiled and leaned back against the couch. “I was thinking the other night, I completely forgot what my confirmation name was. I remember looking through the names of saints but I forget what I chose entirely.”

He frowned. “It’s okay to forget those kind of things. I really don’t care if you’re lapsed or an atheist or whatever.”

He gave a snort, resting his head on the backrest of the couch. “You’re a terrible priest.”

He almost said ‘you have no idea’. He stopped himself when his sense won. “I miss us being close. You’ve been weird ever since I told you I wanted to be a priest.”

He turned his head to him. “It’s not you, it’s the church. I just always hoped you did this for the right reasons.”

“What would be wrong reasons?”

He stared at him for a moment. “Never mind,” he amended.

“No, really, what would be wrong reasons?”

“Just drop it, Nicolò. I was just talking out of my ass. It’s fine.”

It clearly wasn’t fine but he didn’t want to start an argument when they were getting along well. He turned back to where Maria and Bruno were decorating the tree. Bruno was giggling as he played with the tinsel and Maria tickled his stomach.

Deep down wondered to himself how much Marco was seeing in him that he had spent years repressing and hiding.

* * *

Christmas Day was always a busy ordeal in the di Genova household. Nicky had many memories of waking up to Marco jumping on his bed saying they had to go downstairs to open presents. They’d been scolded for the noise they’d made when Maria was still a baby, soon growing up to do it to the both of them.

Now that the three of them adults and only one child between them, it was a lot less loud.

Mama had already started to get lunch ready. It was barely passed eight but she always insisted on getting a head start before they left for mass. Bruno was still pretty tired but Maria was able to dress him nicely.

Nicky had decided to put on his own clerical clothing. Even if he didn’t minister at that particular church anymore it felt weird dressing in clothes that didn’t write on his forehead that he was a priest. Not when he was going to see many familiar faces. If they weren’t to busy cooing over Bruno.

Marco stayed behind to prepare the roasted veal, waving them out the door.

“Nicolò you should’ve tried to convince him to come,” mama scorned as they left in the car.

Nicky rolled his eyes. “He’s an adult, mama, I can’t force him to come if he doesn’t want to. He’s not going to go to hell just for missing mass.”

“I just miss him coming. He used to really enjoy it.”

That wasn’t a complete lie. He and Marco would always giggle a little too loudly when they were children. Marco had also taught him how to tuck the bread under his tongue and spit it out later so they wouldn’t have to eat it and still get wine. That was a fair trick, Nicky still didn’t like the taste of communion bread.

He wasn’t ever completely sure what made Marco lose his faith. Maybe it was nothing different than many other things that made people lose their faith. Maybe it was all the horrible things that happened within the church Nicky also knew about but had always hoped was an individual problem and not the church was a whole. That was something else altogether he never knew how to process.

When they got to the church, he received hugs from familiar parishioners. One elderly woman he remembered fondly told him how much she missed him giving service while she squeezed his cheek. He got a lot of questions about the UK and if he’d found any decent Italian restaurants. He’d told them that he hadn’t brought himself down to a low enough level to try quite yet but did remark that the sorry excuse for espresso was disgusting.

“Well looks who’s back,” said a familiar voice.

He smiled when he turned to Father Vincent. They were close in age and had done seminary together. They were as close to being friends as they could be but Nicky wasn’t even sure if he liked him at all. “Hello, Father. Long time no see.”

“Of course, Father. Nice to see you dressed for the occasion,” he said, looking at his clerical clothes.

He shrugged. “Didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Thought it would be nice if I wasn’t going to be at my new church this year.”

He laughed. “You were always a bit of a people pleaser. Anything interesting happening in the UK?”

He shook his head. “No. I don’t do much quite yet. I’ll be officiating a wedding soon.” The couple definitely fell into the typical raised catholics guilt by their parents into having a religious ceremony. They were a nice couple a few years younger than he was.

“A wedding! That’s lovely. You always loved doing weddings.”

He smiled. “I live vicariously through them. Or something like that.”

Father Vincent gave a laugh before his tone shifted. “That reminded me, do you remember Chloe and Michelle?”

They were hard to forget. The two girls in seminary who had ran off together after falling in love. He hadn’t heard from them since. “What about them?”

“Well, you know that Michelle was Maltese, right? They moved there after leaving seminary and are now getting married soon.”

“Oh. That’s nice for them,” he said cautiously. Father Vincent had always fallen into the category of people who took every work of the bible at face value. He shunned people for premarital sex and he thought being gay was one of the worst sins one could commit. He wouldn’t put it passed him to shun unwed mothers or people who had had divorces. Which reminded him to keep him away from Maria…

“You were always a little too soft, Nicolò,” Father Vincent snorted. “They didn’t get the treatment they deserved.”

He frowned. “Would’ve you rather they had gone through with being nuns and then just broke their vows?”

“If they had gone through with being nuns then it probably would’ve never happened.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m pretty sure gay clergy members remain gay, Father. We all have to avoid temptation. And they fell in love before making any sort of vows. Maybe things worked out better for them than not.”

“Like I said, you’re too soft. Even that sister of yours got divorced.”

He glared at him. “That wasn’t her fault, her ex-husband was an asshole for one thing.”

“She’s still married as far as God is concerned.”

“I think He has more important things to worry about than women who got left by their husbands to raise their children alone. I would think you would know that. Just like I think you would know that people do break their celibacy vows.”

“Oh, I’m not that foolish, don’t worry Nicolò. I just think none of it should happen.”

A beat passed before he answered. “I don’t think the world is that easy.” If it was, he wouldn’t be in the position he was currently in.

He gave him a deep frown and before he could say anything else, he was interrupted by one of the parishioners who wanted to greet Nicky back to Italy. Father Vincent’s expression changed to kindness as Nicky forced a smile.

When she left, he returned to his family before Father Vincent could say anything more.

* * *

The rest of Christmas was spent eating and opening gifts. It was a nice time, mostly because it was the first time they had been together as a family since before Bruno was born.

He really did miss all of them being together as a family. He was going to miss it when he left it all over again. At least they had some time together again.

He was going to fly to the Netherlands on the day after boxing day. He’d told Maria he was meeting with friends for New Years and even though she’d furrowed her brows, she didn’t ask him about it. Maybe she had decided it was best to not ask him, maybe she just didn’t care, or maybe she just didn’t want to hear anything she didn’t want to hear. Nicky wasn’t sure.

“The Netherlands sounds fun,” Marco said as Nicky packed his things away. “One of your UK friends? Or that American girl?”

Marco was a whole lot nosier than Maria ever was. “A few friends,” he lied. “It’s not like you know them.”

He nodded. “I should take some time off of work to meet your friends. I don’t remember you having much of any when you still lived here.”

Most of his friends had been girls growing up. He’d been worried about developing crushes to the point he pushed away most male friendships. He’d marked himself as off limits to girls when more people had found out he was going to become a priest. It was laughable looking back on.

He really did wonder what his life growing up would’ve been like if he’d never spoken to that priest.

“Sure, my friends will like you,” he said genuinely. “We need to see each other more. How’s Rome anyway? Other than ‘busy’.” He’d realised he had never gotten around to asking that.

“Good. Good. You know I’ve always liked Rome. Camila is good too.”

He remembered him saying Camila was the name of the girl he was dating. “Was there anyone before her? That was serious?”

He shook his head. “No. I don’t even know if this one will be serious. I feel like I don’t miss her as much as I should and we’ve been dating a for a year.”

He looked at him curiously for his choice of words. “Have you texted her at all?”

He shook his head. “I haven’t felt the need to.”

He thought about how if he was within reach of his phone he would check it over and over for Joe. “I’m not expert but if you don’t miss her than you might end up like Maria.”

He smiled at him. “You’re right, you aren’t an expert. But that’s not bad advice. I do love her though. It’s not like I can’t wait to see her again I just don’t know what is enough to be considered missing her enough.”

He shrugged. “Well, what do I know.”

“Yeah.”

He tried to not look in the direction of his phone on his bedside table.

“Have fun with your friends in the Netherlands. Pretend you’re not a priest for a few days.

He laughed, throwing his head back. “I probably can’t completely forget that.”

He nodded slowly. “I’ll let you know when I can come to the UK. I hate that I’ve barely seen Bruno.”

“You haven’t seen him at all.”

“I know and I hate it. But there’s always time to fix that.”

“I definitely hope so.” And he went back to packing for Joe.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the awaited ~holiday chapter~
> 
> Thank you all so much for the sweet comments. I really do appreciate any comments on this fic.

Nicky’s flight was due to land an hour after Joe’s. He spent that time eating in the airport café and ignoring any side eyed looks he got from the probably racist border security who thought he was spending too much time alone.

He and Nicky had texted everyday. Even just quick ‘good mornings’ and ‘good nights’. He missed him dearly, more than he’d expected himself to. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t gone days without seeing each other but somehow putting an ocean between them changed everything.

He’d spent the past week writing down more poetry, going with an angle that he could only describe as what distance felt like. He wasn’t sure if most of them had turned out right but he did get his feelings across.

He felt his phone buzz and saw he had a text from Nicky, saying his plane had landed. He grinned and picked up his suitcase. They’d agreed to meet at the gate.

He tapped his foot as he waited. He gripped onto the suitcase he’d brought as he watched people come through the gate. It felt like his heart was thumping in his ears as the seconds passed by.

Then he saw him.

Nicky went through the gate, sandwiched in the crowd between a family of four and a couple holding hands. He waved his hand in the air and called out “Nicolò!”

Even from where he stood he could see how Nicky’s face lit up when he heard him. Their eyes met and within a second Nicky bolted towards him, his suitcase rolling behind him half off the ground.

He dropped his suitcase and it landed on the floor with a thump as he wrapped his arms around him in a hug. Joe dropped his own suitcase and hugged him back just as tight. Nicky almost lifted him off the ground as he laughed.

They were together. They were in Amsterdam. They could do something like this in public and not have to look over their shoulders constantly.

He pulled away and held Nicky’s face in his hands. “Hi.”

He beamed back at him. “Hello. I missed you.”

“I missed you too. How was your—”

“I’m going to be honest, if I don’t kiss you now I might die.”

Joe laughed and his face still in his hands, he leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. They smiled against each other’s lips. He counted the seconds as they went by.

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_Four._

When they pulled away, Nicky rested his forehead on his shoulder. He mumbled ‘I love you’ in English, then Darja, then Italian.

“You are too much, Nicolò,” Joe said, a hand in his hair.

They pulled apart long enough to go and order a taxi to their hotel. They held hands all the way.

It was overall really nice to be able to show affection in public for once.

“What should we do while we’re here?” Joe asked after they had checked in and started to walk to their room. The hotel was nice and they had a good view. It had a fireplace too.

Nicky’s arm was clung around his hips. He smiled at him and pressed his nose to his cheek for a moment. “Room for now. We can go out for dinner later.” He reached up to his hair and patted at it. “You still have snow in your hair.”

Joe used that closeness as an excuse to kiss him just because he could.

He could kiss Nicky in public like it was always that easy.

They got to their room which was already warm. They stripped off their jackets and scarfs, putting them onto the coat rack. Nicky’s face was still red from the cold and Joe couldn’t help but to kiss his face.

Nicky laughed, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Yusuf, that tickles.”

“Good,” he said, planting a kiss on his nose. “Did I say I missed you?”

He hummed, brushing their lips together. “I think you forgot that part.”

“Well I did, very much so,” he brushed his lips against his neck. “The picture you sent me just barely got through just straight up trying to sext you.” He kissed his neck, careful not to mark the skin.

Nicky sighed, leaning into his touch. “Not that I’m not enjoying this but I really need to shower before we do anything.”

He leaned back and grinned at him. “I guess we do need to test out our shower.”

The shower was bigger than the one in his flat. They weren’t forced to press their bodies together although, they did do it anyway. Lips sliding together, hands roaming each other’s bodies, taking all the time in the world because they finally had it.

They didn’t bother getting dressed when they finished showering. They dried off and Joe dried his hair as best he could. Nicky helped by rubbed the towel through his hair and beard, giving him quick pecks on the lips.

They moved to the bed and Nicky straddled Joe’s hips while Joe sat up. They kissed for what was probably an hour, tongues exploring each other in ways that felt almost new.

Because they had the time.

They had the time.

They had all the time they wanted.

They could have sex for hours.

They could fall asleep in each other’s arms.

They could wake up in each others arms and greet the morning with sweet kisses and morning breath.

They could do all that _because they had the time._

“I saw how you were wearing my scarf,” Joe said, brushing his nose against his mole. He’d had jokingly given it to him saying to take it with him to Genoa to ‘remind him of him’. He hadn’t actually expected him to wear it.

Nicky was relaxed in his arms, his own arms still around his neck. “It smells like you.”

Joe grinned. His hand trailed down his back, stopping at the curve of his ass. Nicky shivered in his arms. “What do you want, love?”

“I… I want you to fuck me. Slowly.”

He kissed his mole before Nicky goes to lay on his back. Joe got the condoms and lube from his bag as Nicky started to stroke his own cock, watching him with dark eyes.

When Joe was back on the bed, he stroked his face. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

He nodded. “I’m sure. I told you I wanted to do this. Might as well do it now, right?”

“You don’t owe me bottoming. I like you doing it to me.”

“I know. If I hate it we’ll pretend it never happened, if I love it, we can fight out who does what each time. That’s fair.” His eyes were so bright as he said it. Joe couldn’t help but to laugh and kiss him.

“You’re incredible. How did I get so lucky?” Joe asked.

Nicky smiled up at him. “You’re such a romantic.”

“You love it.”

“I love _you_.”

They kissed again, slow and deep. Joe was already half hard. He pressed his hips against Nicky’s thigh. Nicky moaned into his mouth, pulling him closer.

He rolled Nicky onto his stomach and started to kiss along his shoulders. He started at the tip and made his way across.

“You really do like my shoulders, huh,” Nicky chided.

“I’m being thorough, babe,” he said, kissing the back of his neck. “I can be very thorough if you want.”

“Be as thorough as you like. It feels nice.” He could see Nicky’s smile as his cheek rested on the pillow.

He finished kissing his shoulders and murmured “I love you” before kissing down his spine.

He stopped at his ass and rested his head on his lower back. “I have an idea, before I open you up.”

Nicky paused. “I trust you. Do what you like.”

He smiled and pulled him onto his hands and knees. He pulled apart his cheek and brought his face to it. Nicky gasped right when his tongue flickered along the opening.

“Joe,” he moaned out. “Yes, please.”

He smiled and pressed his tongue into the ring of muscles. He held onto his thighs, feeling Nicky’s hard cock and balls against his face. Nicky was clawing at the mattress, pressing further into his face.

He was dripping already. He fiddled with the tip and the foreskin. He’d noticed that was something Nicky really enjoyed.

His fingertips were getting sticky with his precum. He had other ideas in his mind before he could come.

He moved his face away and picked up the bottle of lube.

Nicky whined. “Joe, more.”

He smiled and rolled him onto his back. He pecked his lips. “As much as I like the idea of you coming from my tongue, I want to fuck you really bad.” He kissed him again, a few seconds longer. “I want to fuck you until you’re coming just from my cock.”

He looked up at him with hooded eyes. “Please.” It was barely a whisper.

He put the lube onto his fingers and Nicky bent his knees, feet planting on the mattress.

He kissed him again. “Ready?”

“Mhm.”

He pushed one finger slowly. He watched Nicky’s face, seeing his brows furrow together.

“How do you feel?” Joe asked, his finger unmoving.

“It’s… weird. I think. I don’t know, I’ve never thought about the logistics of something being inside of me. I just more thought of the idea of you fucking me without considering it fully.”

“I can stop if you want.”

He shook his head. “No, keep going. I’ll let you know if I want to stop.”

With that in mind, he pushed his finger deeper. He tried to find his prostate as he waited for Nicky to give him the go to add a second finger.

He pushed far in and felt his finger brush against his prostate. Nicky took a sharp breath through his teeth, pushing against him. “Joe.”

He smiled. “Second finger?”

“Yes.”

He added in a second finger, gently stretching him out. He brushed against his prostate again, enjoying the sound of him moaning against him.

When he moved onto his third finger, he was still tight but Nicky was pushed down onto his fingers.

“Don’t rush,” Joe said, kissing the tip of his nose. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

Nicky huffed but still smiled. Joe worked his fingers more. “It’ll get easier the more we do it,” Nicky said like it was a promise.

A few minutes passed before Nicky spoke. “I’m ready.”

He took his word and took his fingers out. He went to reach for the condom on the bedside table before Nicky caught his wrist.

“No condom.”

He blinked down at him. “Are you sure?”

“You don’t have anything, I obviously don’t. I don’t see the point. Only if you want to obviously.”

He smiled and nodded as Nicky let go of his wrist. He ducked his head down and brushed his lips to his ear “As long as you’re okay with me coming inside of you.”

He shivered at his words. “Please.”

He coated himself with lube and went between Nicky’s legs. Nicky had bent his legs back ready.

It was such a beautiful sight. He’d thought about doing this for so long it was hard to believe they were there.

He slowly pushed inside of him, seeing white when he felt the warmth.

He focused on Nicky as his nails dug into his shoulders. He stayed still, waiting for any objection. When none came and his fingers relaxed, his started to move slowly.

“How does it feel?” Joe asked, brushing Nicky’s hair out of his face.

He looked up at him with blown pupils. “Good. It feels… so good, Yusuf.”

He continued to thrust his hips, quickening his pace slowly. Nicky was still holding onto his shoulders as Joe moved his hips at an even pace. Joe kissed him slowly as they became tangled together.

Nicky whimpered against him when he was in deep, mumbled “there, please” and Joe pushed in harder, satisfied he’d found his prostate. Nicky gasped and moaned under him. Joe kissed his neck, mumbling endearments as he did.

“Joe… I’m going to— I’m—” he felt the warm sticky feeling of Nicky against his chest and that was enough to bring Joe’s own orgasm.

They stayed unmoving for a few moments. Nicky smiled at him with bright eyes. They kissed lightly before Joe pulled out of him. He ignored the sticky feeling from both of them, went to lay down next to Nicky, and pulled him into his arms. He kissed his temple and grinned.

They held each other in silence for a few minutes. It could’ve been hours really. Nicky was so warm against him. He could already picture them falling asleep like this.

“Want another shower?” Joe asked. “We’re… pretty dirty.”

Nicky laughed against his skin. It was like music. “Yeah, I didn’t think of the consequences of you coming inside of me. Felt great though.”

They washed up and got dressed. They were planning to get dinner at a nearby restaurant. It was a burger place they’d found on Google.

They took a taxi there and held hands when they walked in. Joe kept his arms around Nicky’s shoulder as they sat down together. They fed each other chips as they ate. He pecked his lips to his.

It was almost surreal they even had this a little. It was going to be entirely temporary but he was going to hold onto it as much as they could.

* * *

Joe opened his eyes and smiled to see Nicky was still in his arms.

He kissed Nicky’s shoulder and pulled him closer to his chest. Nicky’s back was flush against him, their legs tangled together.

They’d fallen asleep in that position. After they’d returned from dinner, Joe had asked Nicky if he could draw him. He’d agreed and laid on the bed, not naked but in nothing but boxers. Joe had sat crossed legged while he drew in his sketchpad. The longer he looked at Nicky, the more he fell in love with him.

He heard Nicky yawn and wiggled in his arms until they were facing each other. He gave him a smile.

“Good morning, amore.”

He smiled back. “Good morning. You are a sight in the morning.”

Nicky snorted, throwing his head back. “You have rose tinted glasses for me, I’m always a mess in the morning.”

“Agree to disagree.”

Nicky just smiled and put his hands on Joe’s face. He ran his fingers over his beard. “I love this. Did I ever mention that?”

He grinned at him. “Don’t think so.” He kissed him. “Don’t mind the beard burn?”

“I’ve been thinking about growing mine out so it’ll be a fair trade.”

He thought about how Nicky would look in a beard and he very much enjoyed the visual of it. He brushed his fingers against his jaw. “Sounds good.”

They spent most of the morning in bed, kissing and murmuring sweet words to each other. The curtains were open enough to let the sun peak through and over their bodies.

When they eventually got out of bed, Joe suggested they go to Rijksmuseum since he’d always wanted to go, if he didn’t mind him talking too much about the pieces. Nicky beamed and told him he’d love to hear him ramble about art for hours. He’d make sure to show him the Italian paintings the museum held.

They held hands in the museum. Joe would’ve guessed by now they would’ve been tired of hold each other’s hand. Maybe they were just taking every chance they got because as soon as they landed back in the UK they would lose that small bit of affection.

Nicky let him talk his ear off about the pieces he knew about, usually keeping his eyes on Joe rather than the paintings.

When they left the museum, they went to a café, shared a boterkoek and got coffee.

Nicky rested his head on his shoulder when they took the taxi back.

To any outsider, they were nothing more than a couple enjoying their time together.

When New Years Eve came, they stayed in and drank champagne.

They made love to the sound of fireworks.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, still tangled in the sheets.

Joe dreaded when they were forced to go back to their lives.

* * *

They sat in the airport, deciding to stay close despite everything. They were going to use the time they had together as much as they could.

Nicky was wearing the scarf he gave him and Joe decided to take a hoodie of Nicky’s. He was wearing it now and it smelt like Nicky. He wanted to wrap his whole body in it and imprint the scent in his mind.

“I hate airport espresso,” Nicky muttered as they sat in the terminal.

He smiled. “You’re drinking it anyway.”

“I need the energy.”

He smiled at him and went back to the donut he was eating. Their plane would leave in less than an hour.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while. “What are we going to do when we get back?”

Joe looked at him and frowned. Nicky was avoiding his eye, staring at his cardboard coffee cup. “I mean, I guess we just go back to what we were doing before right?”

“I know but… I don’t know what I’m even trying to say. We go back to sneaking around like before.”

His frown deepened. “You make it sound like we’re having an affair.”

“It might as well be.”

He felt a pang in his heart. “Nicky,” he put his hand on his knee. “Is this really a conversation to have now? In an airport?”

Nicky stayed still and silent for a moment. “It’s just that this time made me realise what we could have. Being apart from you made me realise I don’t like being away from you like that. I thought so much about what it would be like to take you home and for you to meet my family. Or to at the very least be able to talk to them about you.”

Joe couldn’t help but feel a pang of resentment even though he knew he shouldn’t. He knew all along what they were getting into, Nicky couldn’t sit there and complain about having to keep him as secret.

“Will we ever have that?” Joe decided to ask. Because at the end of the day, it all came down onto Nicky.

“I don’t know, that’s the problem.” He finally looked at him. “My brother is planning to visit soon and I want you to meet him, even if I introduce you as a friend. I just… I wish I could introduce you properly.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When he exhaled, he opened his eyes. “Is giving it all up even a consideration?”

Nicky watched him as his eyes glossed a little. “Please don’t make me answer that.”

So he didn’t. He held out the rest of his donut and Nicky took it.

When they were on their flight, they put on a movie and watched it in silence, Joe resting his head on Nicky’s shoulder as they shared earphones and a screen.


	16. Chapter 16

The new year started and it was almost like the Netherlands had never happened.

Joe was holed up in his office most days, while Nicky focused on his own work at the church. He still went over to make Joe dinner, even if they mostly sat in silence. It was a comfortable silence, almost a domestic setting. But part of him was starting to worry he was becoming a nuisance. When he’d voiced that to Joe, he’d told him if he really didn’t want to come he could spend that time at home or doing anything else and they would make up for lost time when he wasn’t working as much.

Even then, Nicky did stop by the university every now and again for a quick visit, like he already did with Nile. Joe’s office was just down the corridor from Nile’s and it wasn’t an inconvenience to go and see him even briefly, without making anyone suspicious. He was just Joe’s priest friend visiting him at work, nothing to raise and eyebrow at.

He was kidding himself to not think of it as an affair.

They hadn’t continued their conversation at that airport. It was already a point of tension and what he hadn’t told Joe was that he’d spent some part of their time in Amsterdam thinking about what his life could look like if he did give it all up. He’d never been happier in his life when he was with Joe in that way. It wasn’t only like being a normal couple for a brief period, it was the life he’d always wanted to have.

Then he’d have to think of all the finer details. Where would he go after leaving the priesthood, was Joe someone he could see himself with longterm, would they live together, would they get married, what would Nicky do for work, would he go back to school, would he not and find some other kind of job, what kind of job would it be, would he be able to handle the weight, would Joe realise there was much more to their situation and be willing to support him, would he leave him and Nicky would be left having made the biggest mistake of his life? This wasn’t something he could take lightly. Not when it carried so many consequences that would break most people.

He trusted that Joe loved him but he had to take this seriously and wonder if Joe loved him in such a way he’d be willing to go through all the hard parts to get to the good part.

He just wanted some guarantee everything would turn out fine but when he tried to picture it, all of it was a haze out of reach.

He watched Nile as she busied herself behind her desk, preparing coffee for the both of them. She only had instant and out of politeness, he didn’t object. He loved Nile, even if she had bad taste in coffee. But she was American and he couldn’t completely blame her.

“You’re doing great for still being new at this,” he said when she set down a mug in front of him. It was a novelty one that said ‘don’t talk to me until I’ve eaten this mug’. She’d been collecting them since before he knew her. He’d seen her cabinet in her flat and it was overflowing with them now.

She let out a breath. “Being a TA gave me some preparation but now I actually have my shiny PhD. If you ever have a breakdown and decide to do a PhD, please don’t.”

He laughed. “Who needs a PhD in theology anyway?”

She smiled at him and took a sip of her coffee. “How was Italy?”

“Great! Marco got to meet Bruno which seemed to convince him to want to visit. Bruno’s even getting a little better at Italian. Although he still gets confused by full sentences.”

“He’s still young enough to get fluent, nothing to worry about,” she said as there was a knock at the door. Nile called out “it’s open” and Andy came in.

“Sorry Nile, I just came back to get that journal on the renaissance I lent you. Oh, hi to you too, Father.”

Nicky gave her a smile as Nile shuffled around her desk for the journal. “Hi, Andy. How was your break?”

“Great. I love doing absolutely nothing. Did you go back to Italy?”

Nicky laughed. “I did. Spent some time in the Netherlands too.”

He thought something passed over Andy’s face just as Nile said, “That’s right! How was it?”

He turned back to her as she set a journal onto the desk. “Good. The Dutch are good people.”

“Right,” Andy said, drawing out the vowel and taking the journal. “You went alone?”

“Yes,” he lied. It was second nature at that point.

Andy smiled. “Well, I’ll see you around, Father.” She looked at Nile. “See you, Nile.”

After she left, Nile asked for more about the Netherlands. He was able to keep it vague while still telling her about the trip. About the museum mostly. And the snow. And the nice hotel.

Just not about Joe and the copious amount of sex they’d had. Or how they’d shared desserts and laughed together. Or about the hand holding and for once in his life feeling like full happiness was in arms reach.

When he finished his coffee, Nile said she’d have to leave for a class and they walked out together. When he mentioned he was going to see Joe, she offered to come to since she was teaching the class with him.

Joe’s door was ajar when they got there. Nicky softly knocked on the door and poked his head in. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he saw Andy was there too.

Joe was looking at Andy with furrowed brows as she sat on the armchair with her leg across her knee. His eyes shifted to Nicky then to Nile when the door opened wider.

Nile was the one to speak first.

“Oh, hey Andy. What were you doing here? I’d assumed you’d gone back to your office.”

“That’s exactly where she’s meant to be. She’s been acting cryptic for the past ten minutes,” Joe said and his eyes landed on Nicky. “Hi Nicky.”

“Hi,” Nicky said. They held eye contact for a few seconds.

Andy cleared her throat before standing up. “Okay, I’m going to be frank. Joe: what did you do over break?”

“Sorry?”

“Where’d you go? I remember you told me you were going to travel. Alone.”

Nicky stood still for a few seconds before his eyes widened. He looked at Joe, hoping to somehow communicate with him to not give the answer, not now. If she already knew where he had gone then there might be no use but he couldn’t have Nile knowing if Andy had figured it out.

“Uh, the Netherlands. Why?”

Andy looked at Nicky. From the corner of his eye he saw Nile giving a deep frown.

“Wait, you were both in the Netherlands at the same time?” Nile asked and that was enough for Joe’s expression to make it clear what he had just exposed.

Nile looked at them just staring at each other for a full ten seconds before she said, “Oh my god.”

Joe stiffly picks up papers from his desk. “You know what we’re not having? This conversation. Lets get to class, Nile.”

“Joe, hold on,” Andy said, maybe a hint of sympathy, maybe some frustration.

“I said we’re not having this conversation. Nicky, just… go home. Or somewhere, I don’t care. We’ll talk later.”

“So I’m not wrong?” Andy said, a scowl crossing her face. “Joe—”

“I said we’re not talking about this.” He bolted for the door and looked at Nile with desperation. Nile looked back and then at Nicky. There was something in her eye he couldn’t quite place. Shock, confusion, sympathy. Something. “And Andy, get out of my fucking office.”

Andy’s arms were crossed. She dropped them and walked to the door. “Don’t think I'll drop this, Yusuf. We’re definitely talking about this later. Especially when,” she gave a sharp point towards Nicky. “He isn’t around.”

Before Joe could even give a defeated nod, Andy walked out of his office and down the corridor, soon out of sight.

Nile’s eyes were shifting between the two of them. Joe wordlessly left the office, walking in the opposite direction of Andy.

They stood in silence for a few seconds before Nile said, “Meet me in my office. Okay? I want to hear what’s happening from you. Properly.”

He gave her nothing more than a nod before she left.

He sat in her office for two hours before she came back. He’d gotten so antsy he made himself some coffee, using the same grounds Nile had made earlier.

Andy knew. Nile knew. That was two more people than were meant to know. Of course their reactions were justified.

He was kidding himself that they would be able to hide it for a long time. Eventually someone would find out. That was the consequences of secrets like that.

The door opened and he sat silently as Nile took her seat from across him. His coffee was half finished and had gone cold.

She clasped her hands together as she watched him.

“So, is it true or not?”

He swallowed. “Tell me what you think it is first.”

Her eyes softened. She leaned back in her chair, maintaining eye contact. “You and Joe. Together.”

His lips quivered and he slowly nodded.

“Wow. Okay. That’s… quite a lot. Wow.”

Her voice was absent of judgment. She seemed to just be trying to fully process even the idea of it.

“Can I be honest with you about something?” she asked, her voice incredibly soft and careful. He tilted his head in a small nod. “When I met you, which honestly feels like forever ago now, I really thought that… well, that you might be. Gay. I thought that.”

He blinked at her. “How? What? Why would’ve you thought that?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like, I knew for sure. You were just always different. Something about you always made it seem like there was some underlying reason to wanting to be a priest that… wasn’t exactly wanting to devote your life to God. Am I on the right track?”

He stared at Nile, who like him had grown up Christian. Except she was able to come out of it in a different way to him. She wasn’t Catholic, she said she grew up going to a Protestant church. He knew there were enough differences between the two churches for her to only kind of get it. But she never would completely get it. He’d never asked her much about her own experience or if she’d had any guilt to begin with. The church was so tied into the culture in Italy that it was difficult to not get out of it all with at least some guilt.

So he told her about his first crush and it leading to him sitting in confession.

He told her how he’d distanced himself from male friends.

He told her how he’d berate himself over the smallest sense of attraction.

He told her about how he’d wake up from dreams of men and cry himself back to sleep.

He told her how there were days before he was ordained where he’d pray every night for the feelings to go away.

He told her how he wished he’d had the nerve to leave seminary and figure things out from there.

She’d moved from behind her desk to sit next to him, rubbing her hand on his back.

“I know it’s stupid,” he said wiping away his tears. “Me and Joe. But… I’d already fallen in love with him. The one promise I’d made myself was that if I was ever in love and loved back…I’d let myself feel it and have it.”

“But not enough to leave everything?” Nile asked, her voice soft.

“Leaving it all… it’s a serious thing. I can’t take it lightly. Before Joe, it was just a hypothetical. I think I just thought no one could love me like that. And now I’ve put someone in a position where I can only keep breaking his heart.” He sighed, pushing his hair back. “I thought when I told him how I felt, that he’d just reject me. But one thing lead to another and I asked for all of it, I didn’t just let things happen. But I really hate that I’m hurting Joe in the process. I… I love him so much. So, so much that it almost makes me sick.”

Nile rested her head on his shoulder. “He didn’t say much when we walked to class but he did tell me that he loved you. I believe that fully. But I do have to say: this doesn’t seem like a good idea at all.”

“I know. Trust me, I know. It’s too late to really think about that right now. All we can do now is hope we don’t fully regret it.”

“Would you leave it? For him? If that was a possibility?”

“He’d have to be ready to marry me. That’s all I know.”

“Have you talked about that?”

“All hypothetically but no, not really. Maybe we should.”

She squeezed his arm and lifted her head. He turned to look at her and her kind brown eyes stared back at him as she gave a warm smile. “You are both being very stupid but I do hope things turn out good for you. I want you to be happy and Joe’s a good person.”

“I know. Too good for me.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. But please, don’t hurt him. I know you don’t want to and would never want to but it’s a delicate situation.”

“I promise you, we are both well aware of that. From the beginning I made sure to let him know things wouldn’t be easy.”

“But do you think it’ll be worth it?”

He let out a breath. “Yes. He’s worth everything.”

After a hug, she told him Joe wanted to talk to him when they were finished. He walked back to his office and saw him behind his desk when he opened the door.

He was resting his forehead in his hands, fingers twisting around his curls. When their eyes met, Nicky gave the best smile he could muster.

“Are you okay?” Nicky asked, closing the door.

Joe stared at him before he shook his head. “I fucked up. I shouldn’t have said I was going anywhere— that was so unfair to you Nicky.”

He went to sit in the armchair, Joe watching each move. He patted his lap which was more than enough prompting for Joe to move. Joe sat in his lap and Nicky wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his lips to his cheek.

“It’s not your fault, love. It… it was a mistake on both our parts. I shouldn’t have mentioned the Netherlands either. It was careless.”

“Careless enough that Andy is going to try and talk me out of this. Out of us.”

“Surely that would just mean she cares.”

“She does, too much. She doesn’t want to see me get hurt. She knows my track record with relationships and most definitely thinks I picked something set up to fail on purpose.”

“But you didn’t. You tried to stop me.”

“But I still consented to everything that followed after you told me. I waxed off how I felt about you, I let you kiss me, fuck me. I let it all happen.” He sighed, resting his head on top of his own. “Maybe she’s right. I’m only capable of unsure things.”

“Joe…”

“I’d hoped my first time being in love would end with him realising he was bi or just saw me as some special exception that transcended sexuality or whatever fucking fantasy it was. Now with you, I really am holding onto hope you…” he took a breath, almost choking on a sob. “I knew what I got myself into, you told me enough. But I still did all of it. Because I do love you, Nicolò. But you’re still unsure about giving it up, aren’t you.”

He hesitated before answering. “I am. I’m sorry.”

“But that’s it!” He lifted his head up so they were looking directly at each other. “It’s completely fair you’d be unsure, it’s such a big ask. Yet here I am, hoping that maybe you will. Because I love you so goddamn much that it’s the only thing I can do.”

Nicky swallowed the lump in his throat and took Joe’s hand into his own. He kissed the knuckles as softly as he could. “I need time to figure out what I want for myself. I need to be sure it’s worth it. I know you are sure but it’s more about me. I need to… know what I want to do for myself because I still don’t have the faintest clue and I’ve put so much thought into it.”

“If it’s about where our relationship would go, just know I would marry you in a heartbeat.”

“Well, that’s the thing. I need to be sure you actually think that. I don’t think I’m at the point where I’m ready to be sure that’s what I want. Yes, I became a priest to stop my feelings but that doesn’t mean breaking my vows is enough for me to be ready to up and leave it all. It’s not just a job Joe.”

Joe closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, I know. And I know it can’t be undone easily. I… I don’t want to push you and I don’t want you to end up resenting me for giving up your whole life for me. If we really do this at some point I want it because you can’t see your life in any other way. If you never figure out what you want in life, I can support the two of us. I make enough for that.”

“What if we want a family one day?”

“Isn’t that thinking too far ahead?”

“We _have to_ think that far ahead. I can’t just go back to being a priest if this falls apart. I really don’t want it to, so we both have to know what we both want for the rest of our lives. So yes, if we have a family what would be do about money?”

Joe was silent for a few moments. “Maybe you could go back to school. Maybe become a chef. Teach Italian as a second language. Do translation work. Anything. It doesn’t have to be a dream job, you’ll find something. Speaking a second language would help and having a British husband will keep you in the UK at least.”

He appreciated the effort, even if it still felt all hopeless. “It’s not that easy.”

“I know. I… I wish it was.”

Nicky kissed his temple and they stayed in that same position for a few minutes. Joe definitely had work to do but Nicky didn’t want to lose the few seconds they had.

When it felt like things were dragging out too long, he squeeze Joe’s knee and gave a gentle push to his chest to prompt him to stand up. When he did, Nicky followed and kissed Joe slowly.

When they pulled away he said, “Those are good ideas. I’ll think about them. Maybe this will work out in the end.”

“Is there a chance it will?” His brown eyes held so much plea that Nicky didn’t want to hurt him.

“Maybe.”

It was enough to make Joe smile.

A maybe was probably the closest thing to a promise he’d been hoping for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *sips coffee, because I am drinking coffee* So uh, angst? And more angst to come. 
> 
> As always, thanks for the love on the previous chapter. 
> 
> I promise things will get better for them soon, we just have to go through the Pain first.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow I wasn't expecting such a response from the previous chapter. Thank you everyone was much! All your comments on this fic really do mean a lot. 
> 
> I hope this chapter is filled with enough angst for all of yo.u

In all fairness, Joe knew he wouldn’t escape Andy completely.

He was able to go through the rest of the day without seeing her until he was leaving at five. She stood by the entrance in the humanities building with her arms crossed and a scowl.

He gave her a smile nonetheless. “Hey, Andy.”

“What the hell are you doing, Joe? I mean, what the actual fuck are you doing?”

He sighed and pinched the spot between his forehead. “Can we leave work before we talk about this?”

“Yes, because we need to really talk about it. I’m thinking about bringing Booker and Quỳnh into this too if your priest doesn’t mind them knowing.”

“Seriously Andy?”

“Dead serious. I think they need to hear this too. I think you’ve been hiding this in for too long.”

He sighed, rubbing his temples. “Fine. I don’t care. You can all hand me my ass for this. Just let me text Nicky first to make sure he’s okay with them knowing.” At the very least, Nicky should have a say in this and even if she thought he was a massive idiot, Andy would at very least respect that part.

“Of course, I wouldn’t not let him have a say. But we’ll be doing more than handing your ass to you, trust me.”

After asking Nicky if he was okay with Booker and Quỳnh knowing, he said it was fine since they were close friends. He followed it with a plea for no one else to know, so things didn’t get completely out of hand. They had both known it wouldn’t stay a complete secret forever and trusted people who weren’t family made the most sense to know. Friends had much less power over the situation than family, and maybe they both needed to let some people know to avoid going crazy from secrets.

Even with all of that, he knew the three of them would insist he was making the worst decision of his life.

He agreed to meet Andy at her and Quỳnh’s. Even if they were going to tell him what he was doing was wrong and possibly talk him out of it, he was kind of desperate to talk about it to someone. Anyone. And Nicky was right; Andy, Quỳnh, and Booker made the most sense out of anyone for him to talk about this to. It put him in a position where he could talk about it all with someone who wasn’t Nicky and build a fantasy just by looking into his beautiful eyes.

Booker worked from home that day and lived close to Andy and Quỳnh’s place. His car was already parked outside. He killed the engine and sighed, his face falling in his hands. He was far from ready for his friends to try and talk him out of this. He was kidding himself if he thought they were going to do anything other than that.

He walked to the lion’s den and rang the doorbell. Before he could even step away, the door flung open to reveal Andy standing there.

Wordlessly, he followed her inside, feeling like a child walking into the principal’s office. Booker and Quỳnh were sitting on the couch looking completely confused.

“So was anyone going to tell me what’s going on?” Booker asked, his brow raised in Joe’s direction.

“What were you told?” Joe asked, looking in Andy’s direction.

“Andy just said something serious with you was going on and I should hear it from you.”

“I was told the same,” Quỳnh said. “Andy just gave me a long text message about you being a massive idiot without actually saying why. What did you do, Joe?”

He opened his mouth but no words came out. To voice it aloud for the first time felt impossible. How did he even word it? That he had a boyfriend who was also a priest? That he’d fallen in love with someone who couldn’t be with him fully? That he’d set his heart up to be broken for the small chance to find real happiness?

Andy was eying him. “Joe, tell them or I will.”

He closed his eyes and let out a breath. “Me and Nicky are together. Have been since October.”

When he opened his eyes, Quỳnh’s eyes widened as Booker’s jaw dropped. The room went dead silent. Joe wanted to leave and just forget about this conversation entirely.

Booker was the first to speak. “So what? Apparently all it took for you to be actually interested in someone for them to be literally forbidden territory?”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “No. I—”

“No, that’s exactly what this is. You met James that same goddamn night yet you went after the fucking _priest_.”

“I didn’t know he was a priest when I was talking to him!”

“Yet here we are.”

He opened his mouth to speak but Andy bet him to it. “He’s right, Joe. I just… this all just seems like a bad idea. I know you’re smarter than this. It’s not like you didn’t exactly have other options.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat and fell into the long armchair. “You wanna know what happened? He told me he loved me and in that moment I just stopped thinking, consequences be dammed. Because I haven’t been in love since I was in my early twenties and it was nice to feel something again.”

“You love him?”

They all looked in Quỳnh’s direction. She had a look of concern and the only look of sympathy in the room.

He nodded. “Yes.”

Andy didn’t even try to hold back her deep groan. “Joe, come on. It’s not like he’d… you know, give it all up for you.”

The words ‘he might’ were on the tip of his tongue but he decided to not voice them. He’d just be making himself a fool.

“So what even is the plan? To stay in this until it falls apart? Until he gets too scared or realises what he’s been doing?” Quỳnh asked. “Are we just supposed to watch you get your heartbroken now?”

He shook his head. “You guys don’t have to do anything. I’m old enough to make my own decisions, even bad ones.”

“And we’re supposed to just let you keep fucking a priest?” Booker asked, a scowl crossing his face.

“Yes.” His tone was dark. “Let me keep fucking a priest. Because it’s my mistake to make if it ends up being one.”

Quỳnh stood up and he half expected her to leave the room. Instead, she walked to him and hugged him. He sat still for a moment before hugging her back.

“We just don’t want you to get hurt. That’s what Booker is trying to say. I remember when you first told me about Andrew and you were so so hurt. It was a situation that couldn’t be fixed. This one… it can be theoretically but I’m certain you know that it is going to hurt the whole way through and it might not happen at all in the end.”

“Babe, you’re being too soft on him,” Andy said as Quỳnh let go of him. “Joe, I’m going to put it plainly; Nicky is not going to leave the priesthood for you. And if that even is a possibility, it’s a slim to no chance. Like, being a priest is a fucking lifestyle.”

“I promise you I know that. I got myself into this. It’s… I really did try to stop it. I tried to be his friend, I went on that date with Lykon. But he really is the closest to me being actually happy in so long. He—”

“If you say he might be your soulmate I will kick your ass.”

“Andy,” Quỳnh said softly.

“No! Look, maybe I wouldn’t give a shit of the idea of you fucking a priest if you weren’t sitting there and telling me you were in love with each other. That’s the problem I have, not the idea of you fucking a priest. Booker,” she gave him a sharp point with her thumb. “Probably does with the raised Catholic shit but Joe, this clearly isn’t some cheap thrill you’re trying to get. You don’t do shit like that. That’s why I’m worried. Nile is definitely too and she’s the one who actually knows Nicky.”

“Nile knows?” Booker asked.

“Not important.”

Joe stood up. “Look, what do you want me to say, Andy? That I think he might give it all up? That I’d happily go through all the pain it would take? That I’m ready to be that guy who convinced a priest to leave the priesthood—”

“That’s what it is, isn’t it?” Booker asked, crossing his arms. “You think you’re going to get the poor repressed priest out of the evil Catholic church. That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

“No! I just— I don’t know, okay? I really don’t. I wouldn’t be in this if I didn’t take it seriously. You’re making it sound like I’m taking advantage of him.”

Booker shook his head. “No, I’m not and that’s not you anyway. I do think that your hope he will leave the church comes from knowing a lot more shit about him than we do but also knowing how shitty the church itself is. I believe when you say you love him Joe but loving him isn’t enough for me to believe it’s worth all this bullshit. What happens if he does leave the church?”

“I’ll marry him. I— if he wasn’t a priest I think I might have already proposed to him.”

Andy’s expression softened at that, Quỳnh covered her face with her hand.

Booker had the same sour expression. “And then what? What would you do about money?”

“I can support the both of us until he finds a job.”

“Kids then? Would you have kids? What religion would you raise them with?”

“Kids are still an unsure thing in general, we’ve only mentioned it once around money. And I don’t need to try and explain whatever complexities that exist in interfaith relationships with you. You married another lapsed Catholic.”

“Guys, can we—” Quỳnh started before being cut off.

“How do you even expect to explain to either of your families this? Are you just going to sit there and let people judge you for being that guy who a priest broke his vows with?”

“I promise you Booker, I know that people will judge me for being that gay brown Muslim who slept with a priest a lot better than you do. I know people are going to think I was out here making him do things he didn’t want to do.” He took a deep breath. “Just… just know that I love him and I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think there was a chance it might work out in the end.”

He decided to leave out Nicky telling him from the beginning no promises could be made. But even then, he didn’t see it as setting himself up to get hurt. Being in love with Nicky made all the sense in the world.

Booker stared back at him and sighed. “Fine. Get your heartbroken. I don’t care and I need to get home.”

They were all silent as Booker left through the door. Joe kept his eyes off him, listening to the sound of his friend’s heavy footsteps as he gave him exactly what he’d feared.

He stood in silence with Andy and Quỳnh for a few moments.

All he really wanted was someone to tell him that he wasn’t making the worst decision of his life but he wasn’t going to get that here.

Quỳnh was the one to break the silence. “He’s just being protective. None of us really know Nicky at all. I think he might be worried Nicky is taking advantage of you.”

“Oh he’s definitely worried about that,” Andy said. “I’m wondering if I should be too.”

“Andy—”

“Don’t look at me and tell me you’re not at least a little worried about that.”

Quỳnh went silent, deciding to look at the floor and Joe watched his closest thing to an ally slip away.

“You really think he would do that?” Joe asked, trying to stop his voice from cracking. “He wouldn’t. We’ve talked about this and we’re both hurting ourselves through this. His brother is even coming to visit and he’s going to introduce us.”

“As his friend. Not his secret boyfriend, Joe,” Andy said. “You’re really going to make yourself suffer like this for a man you’ve known for less than a year? I know you said you’d probably be married by now but are you sure he not going to hurt you in the end? Assuming he loves you as much as you say he does, what if he gets scared and flies back to Italy and you never hear from him again? What then? Have you thought about that even being a possibility.”

“He wouldn’t—”

“How do you know that for sure, Joe? You don’t, that’s what. And we’re going to be the ones trying to help you put yourself back together if he ever does leave you.”

He stayed silent, unsure of what to say at that point. All he could really do was nothing but hope things for him and Nicky work out.

“Are you finished?” Joe asked, his voice defeated.

“Yes.” She looked at Quỳnh who nodded too.

“I don’t agree that he might leave you, Joe. But I do think you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. Even if he doesn’t want to break your heart, he still might. Things like this don’t last forever,” Quỳnh said, keeping her tone soft but the concern was still there.

He took a deep breath. “I know. I really do. But I’m in too deep at this point. I can’t just leave him. Not after everything we’ve done together. He knows I would marry him if he left it all, now it’s up to him to decide the rest.”

Andy and Quỳnh looked at each other. Andy was the one to nod towards him. “We just hope you’re right.”

“I do too.”

* * *

Nile entered his office without so much as knocking. She opened the door slowly, peeked her head inside, before stepping in and slowly closing it behind herself. She walked to sit in the chair across from his desk, crossing her leg over her knee, and held her hands in her lap.

Joe watched every small movement, not sure what exactly he was waiting for.

She took a deep breath. “Did Nicky tell you what he and I talked about? Before he saw you yesterday?”

He stared back at her and shook his head. “No. He didn’t.” He didn’t want to pry and part of him knew Nile would probably want to talk to him about all of this too.

“I’ve known Nicky for a long time, Joe. He’s a good person.”

“I know.”

“And I’ve known you long enough to know that you wouldn’t hurt him or take advantage of him.”

“Of course I wouldn’t.”

“But you’re still both complete idiots.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Nile sighed and slouched in her chair. She stared out the window that overlooked the courtyard. “You know, when I met him he didn’t lead with telling me he was going to become a priest. Studying theology could mean he wants to go and teach it in a college.” She looked back into his eye. “When I met him, I really did think he might be gay. I told him that yesterday, never had before. Back then, I very almost invited him to one of the queer social events— that I didn’t tell him. Then he told me he was planning to go for seminary after he got his Masters. So I never asked. I just hoped to God he wasn’t going to become a priest as a form of repression. That kind of shit is heavy but not uncommon. It just usually takes form in marrying a woman and having a family before having an affair at forty or fifty or something. Not even just an affair, a divorce at least.”

He frowned. “So you think this kind of thing was inevitable?”

“In some form or another. I’m just glad it was when he was still young and with someone like you. He could’ve easily been taken advantage of and that worries me.” She fiddled with a pen on his desk. “I think I always worried about him. I hate the Catholic church as much as the next guy but he never seemed to have his heart in it. I think he only ever wanted to try and ‘pray the gay away’ or whatever. I don’t like the idea of him suffering through that. And it’s not fixed by falling in love. Maybe if he had still been in seminary but he’s well passed ordained. Sure, he can technically quit. Plenty of priests have. But it’s one of those things easier said than done.”

“Nile, I promise you I already know it wouldn’t be easy to leave.” He knew everything she’d just told him. He couldn’t even bear the thought of being the reason Nicky got ostracised from his community. He very well might still want to practice and go to mass after leaving it all. It wasn’t an easy thing and they hadn’t had deep conversations about faith. Joe had a hard enough explaining his beliefs to himself.

“I’m just trying to say that none of it will be easy. Not for him, not for you. I just want to be sure that you know what this is because you’re both my friends and I don’t want the two of you hurting each other.”

He took a deep breath. He decided to say the same thing to him he’d said to Andy, Quỳnh, and Booker. “I’m ready to marry him. I would have already proposed by now. He says he’s going to leave, I will drop down on one knee and ask him no matter where we are. Nile— I love him more than anything and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this works but nothing in the past has. I’ve never felt this strongly for someone and I know he feels the same. Now it’s just on him to decide if I’m worth it.”

Nile watched him before nodding. “Okay. Good. I can see he really loves you too. I just hope this works out for the two of you in the end so none of this has been in vain.”

He nodded, knowing he wanted that more than anything.

* * *

When Nicky came over that night, the first time they’d seen each other since Nicky had left his office the other day, Joe brought him in his arms and they kissed like it was the only answer.

Silently, they walked hand in hand towards his room, he let Nicky pull him onto his bed, and they let their bodies do the rest of the talking.

When it was over, Nicky’s head lay on Joe’s chest as their limbs tangled together. They hadn’t said a word since Nicky had entered his flat. Just breathed and moaned between touches that were so easy. It felt like they knew every part of each other and it came to them like breathing.

Nicky was somehow still and relaxed in his arms at the same time. His palm was on Joe’s chest. Joe kept his arms around Nicky’s hips, wishing he could somehow hold him more than he already was.

“Can I stay for the night?”

Nicky’s voice broke into the silence and darkness. His accent coated the English that way it always had. It had become something that comforted him more than anything in the world.

“Of course you can.”

There was definitely some sort of catharsis falling asleep together in his bed for the first time.

* * *

Nicky was still curled into him when Joe woke up in the morning. He was sleeping soundly and Joe wanted to keep this moment forever.

When he felt him stir in his arms, Joe kissed the top of his head. Nicky’s eyes blinked up at him and a look of relief passed his face.

“Good morning,” Joe murmured softly.

Nicky smiled at him and shuffled upwards so their heads were next to each other. They lay facing each other side by side.

“So, how pissed were your friends?”

Joe closed his eyes and sighed. “Very. I think if it was up to them we’d end this.”

Nicky’s eyes glistened. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s not like they can stop me. I think even Nile thinks we’re running into a bad ending.”

He decided against voicing that part of himself was worried about that too.

“I don’t like hurting you,” Nicky said, his voice slightly strained. “I wouldn’t blame them if they hate me. Your friends.”

Joe frowned and curled his hand to the back of his head. His fingers fiddled with his hair. “They don’t hate you. They’re just worried about me.”

Nicky curled closer to him. His knees bent so they slotted between his own. He put his head into the crook of his neck. “Why do you stay? It would be easier to have a normal relationship and not this.”

He gaped slightly, happy Nicky couldn’t see his face. “Because I love you.”

“I know that you love me, Joe. But that can’t be enough. Why do you stay?”

He swallowed. “Isn’t loving you enough?”

“I don’t know.”

He frowned and took his face into his hands so they were side by side again. Nicky stared back at him, his hand going over one of his hands on his cheek.

“I love you. I want to stay because you are the most amazing man I have met in my life. I have never been as happy as I am when I’m with you. All my life was work and a social life I was running into the ground. From the night we met, I knew you were someone I had to have in my life. You make me happy and comfortable. Loving you is such an obvious thing. You… you make me think soulmates might exist in a literal sense because from our first night, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I needed you every minute or everyday. I want us to become so close that we’re undeniably tied together. My love for you just comes out of me because it’s starting to become apart of me. I stay because you are the only thing I want. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. I could lose everything and as long as I have you, I’ll be happy.”

Tears were dripping from Nicky’s eyes. Nicky let him wipe them away with his thumb.

“I wish I could say I could lose everything as long as I had you too but I’m not sure if I’m ready. I… believe what you say and I know how I feel. But I’m the one who would literally have to give up everything. That’s the only way we can fully and truly be together if you really do want to marry me. Because… I do want to marry you. I do want a future with you. I don’t think either of us would still be in this if that wasn’t what we both wanted. I just don’t know if I’m ready.”

Joe was silent for a few moments, letting the words take their time to process before speaking again.

“You can take as long as you need. I would only want you to do this if you were certain you didn’t want anything else. Being hesitant doesn’t make our love mean any less, it means you take it seriously.” He kissed his forehead. “I wouldn’t want you to regret your decision. If you ever give it all up, I would only want you to do it if you wanted nothing else in the world.”

Nicky stared back at him before letting out a shaky breath. “I love you. I love you more than anything in this world.” He closed the gap between them and kissed him gently. He pulled back enough so their lips still brush together. “I just need more time. It’s too hard. I don’t want to hurt you anymore but I still don’t feel ready. I want to know exactly what we’re going to do if I leave it for real. I still have no idea what kind of a job I’d do. I don’t know what my family would think— I really don’t want them to think you forced me out of the church. I don’t want them to see you as anything less than something more important than a decision I’d made at fourteen. The most important thing to me. I just… I know none of this will be easy but I can’t handle the thought of them not accepting you immediately. I want them to see you’re worth more than anything.”

Joe nodded, cradling him in his arms. “I understand. I want it to be perfect too, and I hope it will be as close to perfect it could be. When— if you’re ever ready.”

They kissed again, slow and sweet. No tongue but still deep. Their love intertwining together because it was the only thing that made sense to either of them at that point.

He decided to cancel the three classes he had that day and Nicky texted his sister to assure her her was still alive and fell asleep at a friends place.

They didn’t leave the bed until they were both tired of their stomachs rumbling. They didn’t go more than two meters apart from each other for most of the rest of the day.


	18. Chapter 18

The snow slowly melted as the seasons changed to spring. It lacked the warmth familiar to Nicky that time of year but it was still something. It was welcome change to the recent chaos of his life.

They didn’t talk about how Joe’s friends viewed their relationship. Nile didn’t ask either of them much about it, although she would cover for him when needed if he wanted to spend more than an evening at Joe’s. She still thought they were both making a terrible decision but she seemed to know there was no point in trying to stop them. They were both grateful for that, and tried to show it. She didn’t deserve to be dragged into the middle of this mess. 

It was already April and Nicky was just looking forward to the summer. He had already told Father Adam he was planning to take his annual leave. What he didn’t know was that he and Joe were planning to take their time off together. They had already agreed to go to Malta as a holiday. It would be after Andy and Quỳnh’s wedding, which Nicky knew he wasn’t welcome to. He knew there was no chance he’d be able to sit through the whole wedding and reception not being able to even hold Joe’s hand. Part of him worried Andy thought he only wanted Joe for sex. He wasn’t sure of Quỳnh’s stance. Joe had told him she had been a lot softer on him but still worried. Nicky decided it was best to avoid the headache.

Malta was their agreed destination not for any particular reason. Maybe it was to fill some island holiday fantasy they both had. Nicky had never been a traveler so he hadn’t had the chance to go himself. Joe hadn’t been either. The idea seemed so nice. Like Amsterdam. Maybe he just wanted a repeat of it. Maybe he wanted more. 

“Nicky, are you ready to go!” Maria called from the doorway, holding onto Bruno’s hand. 

Nicky slipped on a light jacket and jogged towards the doorway. “I’m coming, don’t worry. Marco won’t be here for another hour.”

“Yes but there could be traffic. Lets go.” 

He rolled his eyes and followed her to her car. He was using his Italian drivers license and still had minimal practice in driving in the UK. Mostly because everything was backwards. He was sort of getting used to it at least but he had a long way to go.

They reached the airport soon enough and waited for Marco in the pickup area. 

He hadn’t talked to Marco since Christmas. They always kept their conversations brief in attempt to not drift too far apart. For the most part they talked about work, mostly avoiding conversations around their personal lives.

It was times like that that made him wonder how little he really knew about Marco, maybe even Maria. Here he was having a relationship only known to four people. It made him laugh almost. He doubted his siblings had any secrets as big. 

He saw Marco approaching the car with a bright smile. Bruno jumped excitedly in his booster as Maria stepped out to help him put his luggage in the boot and hug her. 

“Hey, how’s my favourite priest?” he smiled as he slipped into the passenger seat and threw an arm over Nicky’s shoulders. He smiled despite himself and leaned into the embrace. 

It was nice to have his brother back again, even temporary. 

“I still don’t get why you’re willingly living in the UK,” Marco said when they were halfway back. “Especially you, Maria.”

“Oh shush, it’s not that bad,” she said. 

Nicky smiled. “I’m probably not going to stay forever. I could try to get back to my old church if I wanted to move back.” Unless he and Joe work something out. That would be the only way he would stay in the UK. 

“I think it’d take a literal miracle to get you to stay. Like, a literal one,” Marco teased. Nicky lightly hit his shoulder but still smiled. 

When they got back to Maria’s, Marco gave Bruno a piggyback ride inside as Nicky carried his bags. He’d traveled pretty lightly, only having two suitcases. He’d claimed one of them held his work laptop. Nicky could already picture him hunched over at the dinner table with Maria while Bruno would colour on the floor. 

Once he got everything inside, Bruno was already asking Marco to take him to the park. Marco easily said yes and asked Nicky to come too. He was more than happy to go.

They were sat on a bench in the park, throwing seeds to the birds, when Marco spoke directly too him again. 

“Do you ever regret that you’ll never have this?”

He looked at Marco and away from Bruno where he played in a sandpit. He’d been building mountains with his hands. 

“What do you mean?” Nicky asked, not holding back his frown. 

“Kids. Marriage. Maybe more so kids. Do you ever regret it?” 

His frown deepened. “It’s not like I need my own kids. There’s Bruno. And you’ve said you want your own kids one day too.” 

“I know but… never mind. Don’t worry.”

He bit his lip but let him drop it.

He never knew how to talk about being a priest to Marco. It was so obvious he’d hated he’d made that decision for his life. It wasn’t like he could exactly tell Marco why he’d chosen it in the first place.

He was meeting Nile and Joe tomorrow. The two were coming over for dinner. Marco had insisted he meet Nicky’s friends and he’d easily obliged. He just really hoped he liked Joe. Joe had already said he was going to bring over really nice wine to get on Marco’s good side. Overall, things should be fine but part of Nicky was still worried. Joe being nervous about meeting Marco and spending more than a few minutes with Maria didn’t help either. He was so desperate to make a good first impression as if he was actually introducing him as his boyfriend. 

Nicky himself had let go of fear that people he knew would figure out they’re a couple. If their friends were the picture of shock even after spending time with them then his siblings shouldn’t suspect anything. It had just been his paranoia speaking the entire time. 

It was easy to think that until Marco would ask him questions in whether he regretted his decision. It made him wonder more about how he would react if he ever told him about Joe. If he ended up liking Joe he’d definitely be his best chance of support. 

He could tell him now if he really wanted to. But it still wasn’t the time. 

He watched Bruno as he attempted to dig a moat around his small hill of sand. He smiled out at him. He looked back to Marco. “You need to come see him more. Not fair if I become the favourite uncle by default, I’d like to earn it.” 

Marco snorted. “You’re right. I do need to try harder at proving to him I’m the better uncle. I’ll do that with buying him more toys.”

Nicky couldn’t help but to laugh and they both looked back at Bruno as he ran to the slides.

* * *

Nile threw her arms around Nicky when he opened the door. He laughed, hugging her back just as tight. 

“Hey! It’s good to see you!” she said when she let go of him. She was dressed nicely, blue jeans, a white shirt, and a black leather jacket. Her hair was in box braids and they fell down her chest and back beautifully. 

“You too, dinner is almost ready.” 

He introduced her to Marco who shook her hand with a kind smile. Bruno hugged her leg until she lifted him up. They’d only met a few times and Bruno had taking a major liking to her. 

“Joe should be here soon,” Nile said casually, slipping her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “He’s bringing wine.”

Nile had jokingly said when he’d invited her that she’d talk up Joe as much as she could. He’d asked her not to but that request would only go so far. Joe was worrying enough about his first impression. Nicky didn’t understand why. He wasn’t sure how anyone could not see Joe as the amazing person he was. 

“Is that all who’s coming?” Marco asked. 

Nicky nodded. “Yeah, just keeping it small.”

He returned to his spot at the stove and kept glancing at the clock on the wall. Joe should arrive soon but he was getting a little antsy. He had so much faith in Joe’s ability to make a great impression and he just wanted to get the difficult part out of the way. 

When the doorbell rang, as casually as he could he walked to the door. “That’d be Joe,” he said while Nile, Maria, Marco, and Bruno already sat at the table. 

Joe was dressed in not exactly formal attire but he was definitely trying. Black pants and a blue v-neck. He had a bottle of wine in his hands and a grin on his face. 

He’d shaved too. Instead of the longer beard he was used to, Joe had shaved close to his face. Enough for him to actually see his face for the first time.

This was the absolute worst time for him to find out Joe had dimples. 

“Hey, Nicky, good too see you,” Joe said pulling him into a quick one armed hug. Not so intimate that it couldn’t be read as platonic. Although Nicky still had the urge to kiss him. “As promised, I brought wine.” He held the wine by the neck and the base in his palm like he hadn’t seen it. “I know I have to impress three snobby Italians now.”

Nicky smiled and laughed. “That’s a good brand so I think you’ve passed,” he said and walked him from the door. “Joe this is my brother Marco, Marco this is my friend Joe.”

Marco stood up and held out his hand. “Nice to meet you. Don’t think I’ve heard about you like Nile.”

“Oh Nile is far more interesting than I am,” he said, taking the seat next to her. Nicky smiled and went to serve dinner. 

“So what do you do for work, Joe?” Marco asked after they all had a plate of tortellini and a glass of wine — Bruno drinking cranberry juice — in front of them. 

“Art history professor,” he said with a shrug. “Academia. That kind of stuff.”

“He was my thesis supervisor when I did my PhD,” Nile said with a bright smile. There was that ‘talking Joe up’ promise they’d both decided to expect. “He’s probably on his way to being the head of the art history department,” she added. 

Nicky stopped himself from giving her a pointed look but Marco seemed interested. “Art history? That’s interesting. Do you specialise in anything in particular?”

Joe’s face almost lit up. “I’ve written a fair share of papers around Islamic Art history and Amazigh art. I also enjoy researching the Renaissance.”

“I live in Rome so it’s a melting pot of old art. I’ve always been interested in researching more,” Marco said. 

“I could lend you some journals. Although I do need them for students too so you wouldn’t be able to take them back with you.”

He laughed. “I don’t get academia but I could read some books. If you have any recommendations I could take those.”

Joe listed off some books and Marco jotted them down. Nicky stopped himself from grinning and how quickly they’d gotten along. He knew overall there wouldn’t be any worries, Marco was a nice person and had always made friends easier than him. Joe was a likable person. He shouldn’t be surprised they got along so easily. 

He wondered if he had sat him down and had introduced him as his boyfriend if things would’ve been different. Would Marco drill Joe with a million questions and Joe would stumble over perfect answers? He wasn’t sure and he’d lost the opportunity to find out. 

When he and Marco had met Nathan, they had been overly critical from the beginning. That was just the brotherly instinct to protect your younger sister. Nicky wasn’t sure if that same instinct would kick in for Marco towards him and especially towards other men. 

He had really let the church rob him of that. The small things always mattered more to him and the idea of Marco even just playfully teasing him over Joe and grilling him about how they’d met and what he’d felt and if he saw himself marrying him, all the kind of stuff he’d done to Marco in the past with Maria, all that had been lost. He could’ve had Marco tease him about Joe wanting to make a perfect impression with the wine and slightly overdressing. Instead, Joe just looked like a friend who wanted to be nice. 

They weren’t even sitting next to each other at the table. They couldn’t even have there feet bump in an innocent game of footise because Nicky sat at the end with Nile in his way of Joe. 

Instead, he engaged into the conversation no different to the night when he’d met Joe’s friends. Just a friend, not someone he thought about kissing every other second because _apparently Joe has been hiding dimples._

“So what’s that girlfriend from Spain of yours doing?” Maria asked, sprinkling more parmesan onto her tortellini. 

He gave a bashful smile. “Busy with work,” he explained. “I’m sure she’d come if it was more than a casual visit.” He looked at Joe and Nile. “Speaking of, either of you in relationships? Or does work keep you too busy?”

Nile jumped in about how she’d been busy with work, surprisingly not stumbling over her words as she did. Marco’s eyes were so focused on her that he hopefully missed the glance between Nicky and Joe.

 _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_ why hadn’t they planned this out more? 

Joe rose his brows at him as if to say, _what am I meant to say_?

Nicky gave back a shrug; _I don’t know how should I._

Joe flickered his eyes towards Marco. _I should say something._

Marco looked back at Joe as Nile finished telling Marco about the girlfriend she’d had back in the US before breaking up when she moved to the UK to study abroad and stay to work. 

“What about you? You seem like you probably get around more.”

Nicky bit hard on his tongue as Joe turned bashful. 

“I really don’t. I do have a boyfriend though — he’s busy with work tonight and couldn’t make it.” 

Somehow Joe was able to make his tone completely casual. Nicky was almost in awe with how well he’d done it.

Then it hit him that Joe had casually come out to Marco and he inwardly panicked.

Then he remembered that friend Marco was in the wedding of and relaxed instantly. There was no point in Joe hiding his sexuality, it made as much sense as Nile doing so. He’d known Nile long enough to know she was more than happy to be open. 

He’d never force Joe to hide himself like that anyway. That felt cruel of him.

“Oh that sucks. How long have you been together?”

“Six months, but it’s been the best six months of my life.”

Nicky stopped his own grin at Joe’s words. He was so focused on that he’d missed Marco’s question.

“What?”

“I said do know him well? Joe’s boyfriend.” Marco was looking right at him, it almost felt like he was seeing into his soul.

He shook his head. He was good at keeping up his act. “No, I’ve met him a couple times but not too well.”

Nile swooped in and asked Marco about his girlfriend and how they’d met. If he wasn’t quite literally in the hot seat, Nicky would’ve given her a grateful look. 

When dinner was finished and the night came to its end, Nicky offered to walk Nile and Joe to their cars. Once they were on the footpath they spoke.

“Holy fuck that actually went okay,” Joe breathed out, clasping onto his knees and almost doubling over. “That was actually kind of good.”

Nicky smiled, stopping himself from flinging himself onto him. “I know! I told you it should be okay, Joe. He’s not scary or anything.”

“Oh, that won’t last until he finds out I made his baby brother stray away from his priestly life.”

“He hates that I’m a priest so he’d probably love you for it.”

Nile laughed. Nicky had almost forgotten she was there. “I’m glad I finally got to meet this mysterious brother. You guys don’t seem as distant as you make it out to be.”

He shrugged. “It’s a rift but we still love each other in the moment,” he said, not taking his eyes off of Joe. “You guys better go before they ask what’s taking so long.”

Joe’s face fell but he nodded. “I’ll come by again. Try to make an even better impression.”

“Be careful, he might ask you to bring your boyfriend.”

Joe rolled his eyes. “I’ll never run out of excuses, don’t worry. I’ll text you later.” He turned to Nile. “And I’ll see you at work.”

She gave a grin and a wave. “I didn’t get to say I missed seeing your face from under the beard. I’ve never liked beards.”

“Is that a lesbian thing or a personal thing?”

“Well, when I thought I was straight I did think I just preferred men without beards so it might be both.” 

Nicky and Joe both laughed and waved her off to her car. 

Nicky looked back at Joe when he was gone. “You have dimples.”

“Nice observation.”

“I like dimples.”

As if to do it on purpose, Joe gave him a megawatt smile that showcased the dimples. “Good. I’ll see you soon.”

“Of course.”

He watched him drive off and went back inside when he was out of sight.

Maria had gone to put Bruno to bed when he walked back inside, Marco having started to do the dishes. 

“You’re a guest, you don’t need to work,” he said, snatching the washing rag out of his hands. 

Marco just smiled. “Your friends are nice. I liked them. “

“Good.”

“Funny how you’re a priest but two of your friends are gay.”

He let himself laugh at that. He knew there was no malicious intent to it. “Guess so. The church I work at is pretty gay friendly though.”

Marco was still smiling at him but something changed about it in a second. “That’s good. And you probably knew Nile was when you met anyway so I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

“I can have gay friends. I can even have Muslim friends, you know.” 

“Good because Joe seems nice. I like him.”

He smiled slightly more. “He’s a good guy. I said you’d get along.”

“Well then I hope it’s not the last time I see him.”

Nicky really hoped so too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yes, they're going on a little Malta holiday. *sighs* And here I thought I was more creative than that. Fun little fact, I'm Maltese diaspora so look forward to me hyping up the food. 
> 
> I'm glad people liked Marco when he first appeared, so I hope you guys enjoyed seeing him more.
> 
> Also, you cannot tell me the first time canon Nicky saw Joe had dimples he didn't have a heartattack.


	19. Chapter 19

Final assessments came and went and annual leave officially started.

Andy and Quỳnh wanted to have their wedding at the start of the summer. They had been planning it for two years at that point. They were keeping it small and in a garden. He’d looked up the location, seeing it was a popular venue, agreeing it was absolutely gorgeous.

He was incredibly aware of the fact he’d have to see Lykon again. They hadn’t said a word to each other since their failed date. He hadn’t given him much of any thought, blurring together with the men Booker would set him up with. It would probably be a mutual feeling, they didn’t really leave an impression on each other. He just absolutely didn’t want to have to deal with any awkward interactions with him. Especially if he wasn’t bringing a date.

It kind of hurt he couldn’t go with Nicky. He hadn’t bothered to try and ask Andy or Quỳnh about it. They hadn’t warmed up to Nicky at all. They didn’t talk about the situation much at all, no more than him responding to Andy’s questions of what he’d done over the weekend and getting a worried yet dark look in response.

The subject of him still willingly being in a relationship with Nicky rarely got talked about. They all already knew they were going on a holiday to Malta together. They knew they couldn’t stop him so they never bothered to argue with him more than pointed looks and the night they had all found out.

Nile had been their only ally through it all. Or the closest thing to one. She’d covered for Nicky when he wanted to spend the night or stayed too late. She had said to both Joe and Nicky she was worried about them. They’d assured her as much as they could there was nothing to worry about but part of Joe was wearing out.

He could keep saying it was fine but it’s been almost a year and it felt like nothing had changed. He didn’t want to pry about it. He wasn’t sure how to have the conversation without feeling like he was trying to convince Nicky out of the priesthood. Whenever more guilt settled into him he would have to remind himself Nicky had been the one to start things for real. He shouldn’t count when he’d asked him out the night they’d met but Joe couldn’t guarantee they wouldn’t be in this position if he hadn’t let Nicky know he was interested in him.

“Yusuf,” Nicky mused, touching their foreheads together. “You’re thinking too much again.”

He blinked for a moment and turned his eyes from the ceiling to where Nicky lay beside him. It was passed eight in the morning and they were still curled into each other after the previous night.

He smiled at him. “Am I? Sorry. Did you need something?”

“No. We just only have so much time together today. What time are you leaving for the wedding?”

He yawned. “I have to be there by ten-thirty. It’ll be fine I just need to get ready. Probably shave.”

Nicky beamed and he kissed his cheeks where his dimples would be. He grinned and his facial was short enough for them to flash.

“I hope you have a good day,” he said, sitting up on his knees. “Be sure to take lots of pictures, I love weddings and I’m sick of church ones.”

Joe laughed. “Honestly, when I first found out people have weddings in places not meant for worship I was shocked.”

“Me too! It took me far too long to understand non religious weddings. Which, uh, which reminded me…” he trailed off for a moment. Joe raised his brows in interest. “Uh, okay, if we do end up getting married where would we have it? Or would it even be a religious ceremony? I definitely can’t do it in a church. How would a mosque fare?”

Oh. That was definitely an incredibly important conversation they should’ve talked about when marriage became a discussion. He sat up.

“Well, I don’t think it would work out with a mosque either. It would be a lot of trouble if there were anyone willing to perform it, then it would have to be an imam who would be happy to do interfaith couples. It’s honestly too much effort in a lot of respects, and it’s not exactly super important to me to have a religious ceremony.”

They both went silent for a moment before Joe sighed. "Civil would be fine. It’s not like it’s not enough. But I guess I just like the idea of it being seen by God too.”

Nicky bit his lip. “I’m not sure if it’s completely important to me either. I… I don’t know. It’s complicated I guess.”

Joe reached out and stroked his fingers on his face. “It’s note dire for me, just a plus, I guess. One day.”

Nicky nodded and smiled, turning his head to kiss his fingers. “One day,” he said. “Now come on, you can’t stay in bed all day.” He swung out of bed, only wearing boxers and held out his hand. Joe smiled and took it.

They got ready side by side, a habit that they had developed on times Nicky could stay the morning. It was practically domestic the way they did small things like brush their teeth and shave. It shouldn’t make him as happy as it did but the more they did it the more he could vividly picture it as their future.

“I could call Andy and ask if you can come,” Joe said, buttoning up his shirt as Nicky pulled on his jeans.

Nicky shook his head. “You’re sweet but I know I’m not welcome.”

His face deflated. “If the situation was different I know they’d love you.”

“But this is the situation, Joe.” He said it like he needed to be told.

“Then they’ll eventually see we love each other enough for the situation to be worth it.”

Nicky nodded slowly and stepped towards him, unbuttoning the top two buttons. “I like when you wear shirts like this.”

He waggled his eye brows at him. “You do, do you?”

“Mhm.” He kissed his jaw. He smoothed out his collar. “Have a good time, okay? Maybe we could go to Nile’s eventual wedding when she swipes a lucky girl up, okay?”

“Yeah. That sounds great.”

He really hoped they made it that far.

* * *

The wedding was a lovely and short ceremony. Andy and Quỳnh had written their own vows and their words were so sweetly spoken that Joe tore up more than a little.

He was sat in the second row behind their families with Nile as well as Booker, Adele, and their sons. He was next to Nile and they’d taken on the role of being each other’s date. Which really just meant they were each other’s way of not being completely lonely through the reception.

The two of them watched Andy and Quỳnh dance from the sidelines, both of them with a glass of wine. The reception was being held in the same garden, keeping to the promise of a smaller and more simple wedding. Their dresses were more simple too, yet somehow elegant.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Andy dance,” Nile said, beaming at the couple holding each other.

“I think she’d do anything for Quỳnh. It’s sweet.” He smiled at the two as Quỳnh said something in Andy’s ears that made her blush.

“Makes me feel lonely. I would love to have that.”

“You’re in your twenties, you don’t need to worry about it. You’ve got so much time.”

“I guess. I would love a girlfriend but get right to the domestic part and not have to worry the dating part. Dating sucks.”

“Why do you think I skipped all of that with Nicky?” he said lightheartedly.

She gave him a side eyed look which made him decide they weren’t at the point to even joke about it, even if he and Nicky already sometimes did.

“Uh, anyway, I agree. Dating sucks, and definitely don’t accept blind dates. Setups are terrible when it comes to these guys.”

She smiled. “That’s you, I would love for someone to do all the work for me. Tinder is just me swiping right on pretty girls and never messaging who I match with since I’m too chicken shit to say anything. Maybe that’s why I’m single, just unable to flirt.”

“Well I’m not really someone to look towards lesbian dating advice, am I?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you know nothing about women don’t you?”

“Now where would I figure that out?”

She laughed and shook her head as Booker walked up to them.

“Not a bad way to spend annual leave,” Booker said, nodding towards Andy and Quỳnh. “Any plans of how to spend the rest? We’re taking the boys to France to see family.”

“Just resting. I was thinking of seeing my family but they’re all too busy,” Nile said.

Joe took a swing of his wine as Booker eyed him expectantly. “You, Joe?”

He cleared his throat. “Going on a holiday. To Malta.”

He raised a brow. “Is this going to be anything like the last holiday you went on?”

“Probably not, Malta and the Netherlands have different climates.”

Booker didn’t hold back his grunt. “Joe.”

His jaw clenched. “What do you want me to say? Yes, I’m going with Nicky. Yes, sex is very much going to happen. Yes, we’re going to take it as a chance to pretend we’re not in the situation we are.”

Booker’s face changed to a look of pity. “You really think he might do it? Leave it all?”

He looked at Booker, then flickered his eyes to Nile who had a deep frown. He took a deep breath.

“I don’t know. I— I want to say yes but I’ve been trying to avoid giving myself false hope. But I really do think he’s been considering it more.” He stopped himself because he realised how idealistic he had started to sound. “Could you stop asking me things like that? It’s getting tiresome and I thought we dropped this argument.”

“And I thought you’d eventually come to your senses.”

“Booker,” Nile said in an exhausted tone. “I don’t like this anymore than you do — need I remind you they’re both my friends — but you’re not going to stop this.” Her eyes stuck onto Joe. “They’re in too deep.” She looked back at Booker. “And I know Nicky much better than you do. He wouldn’t hurt Joe, not on purpose. This isn’t about him getting dick he’s been desperate for like you so obviously think it is.”

“I never said that. But he is a repressed Catholic. You know what? A guy I went to Catholic school with was married to a woman for fifteen years before they’d divorced because he was gay. I know what this whole repressed Catholic guilt is.”

Joe glared at him. “That’s not what this is.”

“Yeah, it’s worse actually since he’d decided to become a priest instead of just getting married like most people do.”

He huffed. “I really don’t want to have this argument— with either of you.” He gave Nile a pointed look. “All I know for sure is I can’t end it just because I’m scared I might get hurt. Because it’s just cruel to have spent all this time with him just to end it for my sake. Leaving is going to hurt more than staying.”

“And is he worth it? To stay even if it hurts.”

“Yes. He’s worth it.”

Booker shook his head and took a drink of the rum in his hand. “If this works out, make sure I’m your best man.”

A small smile flickered on his lips. “I have two brothers and you really think you’d be anything but barely make it as a groomsman?”

He put a hand over his heart. “I’m deeply offended. I thought we had something deeper!”

“So this means you trust me?” Joe asked.

His face fell, the lighthearted interaction being sucked away. “It’s not about you, it’s about him. I know people have done it before, left the church to get married but that’s not comparable to this. It’s, you know, usually straight people. He has extra baggage than priests who fall in love with women. I know you love each other but… what if he gets scared? What if he regrets it? Have you considered any of that?”

“Of course I have, I’m actually trying my hardest to not even accidentally pressure him into anything. I want him to be sure of it.”

“You can’t wait for him forever, Joe.”

“Booker,” Nile sighed out. “Just drop it.”

Booker frowned at her then looked at Joe. “Fine. I hope you enjoy your holiday. I really do.”

Booker left to sit with his family. Joe looked at Nile.

She gave him a weak smile. “Despite everything, I know you make each other happy. Seeing you two even when we had dinner with his family told me he’s a lot happier now. Less repressed.”

He shrugged and swung back the rest of his wine. “I never pictured my first relationship going like this, that’s for sure.”

“Could be worse,” she shrugged, squeezing his shoulder.

He smiled at her and excused himself to get another glass of wine.

He was halfway to the bar when he saw Lykon’s back.

Dread fell into his stomach.

Even though their parting had been mutual and left no impression, he knew he wasn’t exactly the innocent party when he’d left their date to spend time with Nicky. They hadn’t been flirting but he knew he shouldn’t have been so distracted by Nicky. He never had a chance to really say anything to Lykon about it, he was Andy and Quỳnh’s friend so it didn’t really matter in hindsight. At least it probably didn’t. It’d be worse to run into James really.

But something about Lykon was so fresh. He had been his last blind date. Not even a bad date. If the date hadn’t ended the way it had they probably wouldn’t be dating but have become friends. Lykon probably saw him as nothing more than some sad man hung up on a priest. He could assume he’d react to his relationship with Nicky about as good as the other’s had.

He shook off the thought. He still wanted wine and there was a chance Lykon barely even remembered him. He should be able to get away swiftly.

When he got to the wine, he took a glass and his eyes met Lykon’s.

“Oh, hey Joe. Good to see you.”

Goddammit.

“Hi, Lykon. You too. You did good at officiating everything.”

He smiled. “I’ve known those girls since uni so it was a nice thing to do. How’ve you been?”

“Fine. Nothing exciting.”

“Right. Glad you’re doing good. Any plans for the summer?”

He nodded. “Going on a holiday. I think I really need this one.”

“Cool. I hope you enjoy it. You going with anyone?”

He had two options. He could say he was going alone as an easy option or he could say he had a boyfriend but be forced to explain why he wasn’t here.

“Alone. Just to Malta so I’ll probably just relax on the beach and sightsee.”

He nodded. “Cool. Have fun. I’ll see you around.”

He walked off and towards some of Andy and Quỳnh’s other friends. He let out a breath, surprised it was nowhere near as awkward as it could’ve been.

He suddenly felt two arms wrap around him from behind in a tight hug. Before he could turn his head he felt a tacky smack to his cheek.

“I’ve barely seen you today!” Quỳnh said, hugging him even tighter.

He laughed, twisting out of her grip. Andy was right behind her. He gave her a hug too, lifting her off her feet which made her laugh.

“Is there lipstick on my face?” he asked, wiping where Quỳnh had kissed him.

“Little bit,” Andy said, stilling smiling. “We actually came to harass you to come and dance. You’ve been on the sidelines for too long.”

He looked to the makeshift dance floor where people were already dancing. A mixture of friends and couples. The nagging thought came to him how much he would love to dance with Nicky there.

He nodded, pushing away the longing in his chest. “Sure. I should do that.”

He did his best to not get distracted by the thought of Nicky for the rest of the day.

* * *

“Did you have a good time at the wedding?” Nicky asked, his head resting on Joe’s chest as they lay on the couch.

Joe was lazily running his fingers through his hair. “Yes. Nice ceremony. I’m happy for them. Nile was a fun date too.”

“Yeah, she said you were a good date. She got some pictures for me of you dancing with Andy and Quỳnh.”

“What?” he asked, his head going up.

“Mhm.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped on it until the pictures showed up. He looked over his shoulder to see himself dancing with Andy and Quỳnh. Some were close ups to him. He was laughing in most of them and grinning in all.

Joe smiled and kissed the top of his head. “My only regret is that I didn’t get to dance with you.” He still hadn’t gotten the image of the two of them slow dancing chest to chest, holding each other more than really dancing.

“That would’ve been fun. I never get to dance.”

They were in a comfortable silence for a few moments before Joe sat up. Nicky’s pale eyes looked at him curiously. “We can dance now.”

He cocked his head to the side. “It’s not really the same, is it?”

“No but… it would still be fun. I can put on a playlist and we can just enjoy ourselves for a few minutes.”

He was silent for a moment before he absolutely beamed. “Okay. That would be fun.”

They stood up and Joe found a playlist. It played softly on his phone speaker. He held out his hand to Nicky, He took it and Joe wrapped his arms around Nicky’s neck while his held him by his hips. Their foreheads tilted forward so they were touching.

They slowly swayed to the music. Just the way he pictured it would be if they had been at the wedding together.

Nicky was mumbling along to the song. He accent still showed through when he sang in English. Nicky sang a lot when he cooked. It was easily Joe’s favourite sound. It was a huge distraction when he was grading papers. A welcome distraction but still one.

Nicky moved his head so his lips were by his ear. He continued to sing along and it made his heart race.

He wasn’t sure when they’d stopped moving. Nicky continued to sing in his ear, his lips brushing against the shell and his hot breath ghosting over it.

He couldn’t help himself. Tears started to sting his eyes. He buried his face into the crook of Nicky’s neck. He continued to sing, so quietly that it almost felt like it was only in his head.

When the song came to and end, he was still crying into his neck. Nicky was rubbing his back in such a soothing way. He pulled back and held his face in his hands. His thumbs wiped away his tears.“Why are you crying?”

“I just love you so much.” His voice cracked. The next song had started but neither of them had moved.

He lifted his head to look at him. Nicky had such a soft expression and Joe realised his own eyes had started to glisten. Joe kissed his cheekbone. He had to wonder how much he had to say in that moment.

Instead of speaking, he pulled him closer and this time he sang to him. Nicky relaxed in his arms.

They continued to sway, continued to just hold each other in their arms. Nicky was cycling through ‘I love you’ in Italian, then Darija, then English, then Italian, then Darija, then English, then over and over and over and over he said he loved him in those same three languages. Nicky’s arms were around his chest while he held him by his hips, wrapped around each other as much as humanly possible.

He just wished he could stay in this same moment forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes I do love the concept of slow dancing in a room how could you tell?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes, the Malta™ chapter. 
> 
> I probably dedicated too much time to hyping up Maltese food but I do feel bad a lot of you guys will probably never be able to have any/most of it so I'm gonna hype it up.

They arrived in Malta on a Wednesday.

They went straight to the hotel from the airport.

The first thing Joe had wanted to do was give him a massage.

Nicky was on his stomach in their hotel bed, relaxed against Joe’s touch. His warm hands were slicked with lavender massage oil and they worked their way into his back. Nicky had called it his weirdest idea of foreplay so far. Joe had only responded with a kiss to his cheek as he pushed him onto his stomach, already naked so “oil doesn’t get on your boxers, amore.”

“You should do this much more,” Nicky said as Joe worked his fingers into his hips. “Feels great.”

“Maybe only for special occasions so it can stay special,” Joe said and Nicky could hear the smile in his voice. “This is one for sure.”

Nicky grinned into his pillow. He’d been waiting for this day for what had felt like so long. It may not be their first time out on their own in a foreign country but it had felt like their first time. They were in Malta for three weeks before they would be back in the UK and back to the same song and dance.

Part of him was starting to consider coming clean to Maria about it so he wouldn’t have to keep lying. She wouldn’t report him to the church but he did see her thinking of him differently and probably being no different from Nile and Joe’s friends. Not actively trying to stop them but he could already see the concern on her face every time he would tell her he was spending the night at Joe’s.

That was mostly why he’d stuck to his decision to not say anything at all. Take the easy route until he was forced into the hard part.

Nicky felt Joe’s warm lips press against the back of his neck. “Turn over.”

He happily obliged and rolled onto his back. Joe was only wearing his boxers. Nicky tucked his thumbs under the waistband. He could see the outline of Joe’s cock. “These need to go. They’re very unnecessary.”

Joe grinned down at him. “Oh, are they? My mistake.”

Nicky pulled them down and Joe kicked them off his ankles. Nicky took his cock into his hand, already leaking with precum.

“You really do have the weirdest ideas of foreplay,” Nicky said a little smugly.

“Maybe your body is just my number one turn on.” He cupped Nicky’s own cock. “It worked well enough on you anyway.”

“Maybe I just love you.”

Joe’s eyes lit up at the words like they were new.

They lazily jerked each other off with the help of the oil since both of them were too lazy to get the lube from Joe’s bag. The scent of lavender filled their hotel room.

When they were done, they wrapped into each other, turning on the TV and putting on the first thing that looked interesting.

They stayed in their bed until six and both of their stomachs were growling. There was a restaurant close by that they walked to hand in hand. Despite the similarities to Italian and Tunisian Darija, both of their Maltese was absolutely pathetic. They were only saved by the waiters being able to speak Italian or English. They ordered a plate of ricotta pastizzi for the table, Nicky ordered ravjul and Joe ordered ross il-forn. They had a nice bottle of wine to go with it.

“I feel like I could learn this language in a week,” Joe said half way through his rice. “Just mixing all the languages I know.”

Nicky laughed. “I think that’s cheating.”

“Well I already know ‘sabiħ’, which I’ve already decided to call you until we leave.”

Nicky laughed. “Okay, _sabiħ_ , if you truly insist.”

They grinned at each other and there was something so magical about that one moment.

The thing about moments like this was that he always had the rude awakening that it was always temporary. Nicky had taken some time off during the April break during easter to spend it with Joe. They barely left his apartment, Nicky telling Maria he’d gone off to spend some time with Nile in Dublin. She had in fact been in Dublin but she’d gone alone to do some study on Celtic art. He’d surprised himself they’d gotten away with that one so easily.

It had been fun. Domestic even. Joe had even took a knack at shaving Nicky’s beard, so careful to not knick his mole. It was almost domestic things like that, that fulfilled him more than anything since the moment he’d gotten ordained, that made him question everything.

Then term break ended, Joe was back to work, Nicky was back to the church. And he was reminded why he’d stayed. Whenever he sat in the confession booth and listened to people detail their sins, of lust, of pride, of guilt, he was always brought back to that moment when he barely understood his own feelings and spilt them out to a man he didn’t know. That had been the only way he knew how to process his emotions since he’d first done confession.

His life became white collars and bland wafers he still had to stop himself from spitting out.

It was a promise he’d made to God through fear of his own feelings and thinking he had been guided to the priesthood through someone he’d seen as a mouthpiece.

It was a rift between him and Marco as they went in complete opposite directions around their faith.

It was a vow of celibacy he saw as something he had to make, if only to hold himself accountable.

It was waking up everyday in love with a man he couldn’t have fully. It was knowing that he was putting that man through pain but they both chose to stay because their love very well might be stronger than the situation.

It was serious doubts of a choice had made over a decade ago.

It was knowing what he’d wanted but asking himself constantly if he was truly allowed to have it.

When they were back at the hotel room, Joe asked if he could sketch him. Nicky was more than happy to, and they sat on the balcony together as Joe drew him. They were staying in the Preluna and had a beautiful view of the Mediterranean. They were only a short trip from Valletta but had hopes to see as much of the country as they could. Joe really wanted to see as much art as possible since the country was such a melting pot of rich history.

When Joe was done with the sketch, Nicky smiled at it before taking his hand back to their bed.

It was dark so he was more than happy to make love to this man until he collapsed form exhaustion.

That time was quick and needy, making up for the little that had done earlier. It shifted quickly from slow preparation to Joe flipping them over so he was on top of bouncing up and down, up and down, up and down, until Nicky was a withering mess under him, turning into a puddle. Somehow this man found a million ways to turn him into liquid every time they’d made love.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he said it over and over until his voice was hoarse. That didn’t stop him completely. “Yu- _suf_ , Yusu- _f_ , Yuuuuu- _suuuuuuf_.”

“Fucking _hell_ , Nicolò.”

Joe came onto his chest just as Nicky came inside of him.

Thankfully this time they remembered a rag.

Joe cleaned off Nicky before getting to work on himself. Nicky watched him, still on his back. They were both a sweaty mess but that was a problem for later. He was too focused on his desire to hold Joe until it was absolutely necessary for them to get out of bed.

Joe kissed his jaw as they curled into each other. They had developed a habit where they would spoon when they slept, Joe holding Nicky from behind. Their bodies folded together so naturally it was as if their bodies were sculpted to be in that position. Two bodies, two minds, two souls made for one another.

“If you ever do that again I think my head would explode,” Nicky smiled, wrapping his arms around himself so they covered Joe’s.

“Well I’m full of many surprises. I can think of more.” Joe kissed his shoulder before nuzzling into him more. “I do kind of want to sleep for now. It’s late.”

Nicky yawned and let himself doze off in Joe’s arms.

* * *

They showered together the next morning, which surprisingly didn’t turn into sex. They did kiss for longer than was necessary which was a nice trade.

They ordered room service since they didn’t feel like making their way downstairs quite yet, opting to eat on their bed than the table.

Three weeks somehow felt so long and so short. It would be over before they knew it and they had to cherish every small moment.

“What are we going to do when we get back?” Nicky asked, halfway through his eggs.

Joe looked at him from his French toast and frowned. “Are we going to have this conversation now? It’s no different than after the Netherlands. Just with our friends knowing.”

He decided against correcting him that Andy, Booker, and Quỳnh were Joe’s friends, and wouldn’t be Nicky’s at all or until he was tied to Joe and not God.

“Then we do this again? Spend the time after Christmas together and then during annual leave? Is that enough for you?”

Joe watched him for a moment. “Like I’ve said, this decision falls on you and not on me. But we’re in this together. That’s what matters.”

He still had trouble believing that. He could believe Joe loved him and he believed Joe would marry him if he could. What he still had trouble grasping was that he was somehow worth all the pain Nicky put him through.

But this wasn’t even really about Joe. It was about Nicky. Just like Joe made the decision to stay with him, to keep the secret, to keeping fucking him, Nicky made the decision to stay with the church like nothing was happening. Maybe he’d gotten over his own self hatred for his sexuality but he was still dragging Joe through the mud. He wouldn’t be surprised if he eventually listened to his friends and left him. Whether to avoid heartbreak or just the morally questionable decision he’d made in spending almost a year fucking a priest. If he was in their position he’d be worried too.

He took a deep breath. “If I did leave it all, really gave it all up, you’d be okay with being that guy who got a priest to leave?”

He shrugged. “I’m sure some people would think better of me. The Catholic Church is kind of evil.”

He decided against arguing with that. “What about your family?”

“I can see my brothers making jokes about it but they wouldn’t love me any less. My parents would probably be surprised but they’ve only ever wanted me to be happy. A few years after you leaving it’d become a footnote. You were what? In you mid-twenties when you got ordained? It’s not like you’ve been in it for decades, right?”

Nicky considered that for a moment. He’d really had spent more time becoming a priest than actually being one. He could just be someone who got out before he got in too deep.

“And you said I wouldn’t be the first right?” Joe added, almost sounding hopeful.

Nicky shrugged. “Of course not. Men leaving for women just outweighs it all.”

“Well how many priests are having it with each other? I know that nuns have done it before and left, I remember seeing an article about one couple.”

Nicky rolled his eyes but smiled despite himself. “Yes, of the many, many priests out there it is definitely happening somewhere. But this is about you, are you okay with being judged for it?”

“I’m not okay with it and I’d rather it didn’t happen but I’d go through it for you. I’d move heaven and earth for you, Nicolò.”

He couldn’t help but feel inclined to believe him.

They moved out of bed and got dressed. They had plans for the day that shouldn’t be wasted by adult conversations about their future. Really, at the end of the day, it all fell onto if Nicky was ready to leave behind the church for Joe. A decision the became more appealing everyday.

* * *

They found a small bookstore when they were walking around Gozo. Joe had gone off to explore the shelves while Nicky stood back, an affectionate smile on his face.

It’d already been two weeks and they were due to go back to the UK at the end of the week. They hadn’t talked anymore about what would happen when they were back in the UK. It was best to leave the conversation alone. He was doing his best to not give Joe false hope. That would be his one regret.

He’d sat down on a comfortable armchair. Joe was skimming the shelves, trying to find books on art and the like.

He’d been mostly tapping on his phone before he heard the sound of his name.

“Nicolò? Is that you?”

He glanced from his phone and stood up immediately as he stared at Chloe.

“Hi. I haven’t seen you since…” he trailed off.

She smiled regardless. “Since me and Michelle ran off from seminary together?” She had a tinge of humour in her voice like she was telling a joke. Nicky allowed himself to smile.

“Yes. That is… still something I can’t believe happened.”

“You and me both. We just got married recently. That I never thought we would be able to do but we live here so it worked out.”

He wasn’t sure how he could possibly express how happy he was for her and Michelle. On the day they had left seminary, he’d sat and watched in silence envying them. They worked through all their religious teachings enough to fall in love with each other despite readying themselves to God and celibacy. He could only stay back and continue to push away his own desires.

“That’s great! I heard about it from Vincent.”

Her face fell at that name. “I remember him, he was an ass. What about you? Did you end up getting ordained?”

He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach before he nodded. “I did. I’m on annual leave right now.”

“Alone?”

He bit his lip and his eyes shifted to where Joe was in the shelves. Chloe followed his line of sight and her eyes stayed on Joe for a moment. They moved back to Nicky. “Ah, I see.”

“Yeah.” Was all he could say.

She frowned at him. “You know, sometimes I am so thankful me and Michelle never went through with it. We both had always thought being nuns would… I don’t know. Stop how we felt about women. Which is obviously not how it works.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I’ve gathered.” Just too late. “What made you leave? You were both far into seminary when you’d left.”

Her face turned so soft. “I wanted her more than I wanted to be a nun. It all happened quickly but she was who I wanted more than anything.”

“Would you have done it if you’d already been ordained?”

She paused for a moment before answering. “That’s a great question. Yes. I think so. Because… she’s the love of my life. She was who I wanted. In my mind, I don’t think God would’ve wanted me to continue being a nun if I wasn’t happy. And if there was someone who made my life fulfilling then I think He’d prefer I choose her.”

She looked at Joe again. “If you feel that way about him then it’s up to you if he’s worth more than staying with the church.”

He looked at Joe and he was still absorbed in the bookshelves. He had so much affection and love in his entire soul for him that he wasn’t sure if he could picture his life without him at that point.

“How’d you know for sure?” he asked when their eyes met again.

“I just knew. Like I said, it’s up to you. It wouldn’t be easy when you’re ordained. I worry that if we had been ordained we wouldn’t be where we are now. I can guess it’s hard for you. But… well, it’s not like you’re trapped forever right? If you think he’s enough to leave then maybe it’s worth it. If you don’t find the church fulfilling anymore then it’s up to you.”

He thought about all the conversations he’d had with Joe and with himself.

He wasn’t sure at that point why he was staying in the church. He wanted Joe more than anything. He’d stayed for as long a he’d had because of his own fear. That part of him feared he wasn’t worth that happiness. That Joe was too good to be real.

The option to leave the church had been waving over his head for so long. It was within reach but he wasn’t reaching towards it because he knew his life would change forever.

That change would be the hardest part and maybe part of him was worried everything would fall apart the second he called his bishop.

But that was his worry and Joe had been so supportive for the almost year they’d had together. He knew for sure Joe would stay through it all.

“Anyway, I need to get going,” Chloe said. “I need to get to work.”

He nodded and said his goodbye. He sat back in his chair and watched as Joe paid for his books at the counter.

Joe walked back to him happily gripping the bag. “Who was that?”

“Girl I knew in seminary,” he shrugged.

“Cool. Ready to go?”

“Sure. Anywhere you want to go?”

“You pick. I’d follow you where ever you go.”

His face was so bright as he said it that Nicky couldn’t help but grin.

He looked at the love of his life and knew in that moment he couldn’t see his life without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :3
> 
> Also, 'sabiħ' is bascially the male form of 'beautiful'. Just a personal hc of my Joe and Nicky call each other it when they're in Malta. 
> 
> also, no one:  
> me: *uses any oppitunity to add sapphics to my stories*


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today! Hope you guys enjoy :D

When he opened his eyes that morning, Nicky was fast asleep and nuzzled into his chest. Joe’s arms were wrapped around him like it was the easiest thing in the world for him to do.

Joe smiled and kissed the top of his head. His hair was a mess but Joe would be happy to wake up with his face in it forever. It was so incredibly soft that most days his fingers got lost in it.

They weren’t due to fly back to the UK for a few more days. An island holiday felt like a cliché but it was good for the both of them. Especially when he was still unsure on the trajectory of their relationship.

Having a calm, relaxed Nicky who he could hold hands with in public still felt like its own kind of privilege. He’d been tempted more than once to feed him when they’d had dinner at restaurants but that was a little much, even for him.

What mattered was that they could look no different from any other couple (at least if they’d only encountered people who weren’t racist homophobes) and not come by people who knew about Nicky’s position. Even the off chance of seeing students was gone. It was just the two of them in their own little world.

That world could get broken easily. His phone buzzed on the bedside table as if to remind him.

He let go of Nicky and checked the caller ID to see it was Ramla.

His teeth sunk into his bottom lip and he carefully got out of bed to pick up the call once he was outside on the balcony.

“Hey, habibi,” he said casually, hip leaning against the rail.

“Don’t ‘habibi’ me. Why didn’t you tell me you went on holiday again?” Her tone wasn’t exactly harsh but it didn’t have much warmth to it.

“Uh… I’m sorry do I need to run things by you? How’d you know I was on holiday?” He’d only told her about the Netherlands afterwards because she’d tried barging into his apartment again. The habit had decreased over time which he thanked God for because the last thing he’d needed was her finding him with Nicky. He hadn’t introduced them to each other but he could picture all the consequences of them accidentally meeting and him being forced to come up with some story about Nicky. If she would figure out they were dating then she’d only have a million more questions. Ones he couldn’t answer even if he desperately wanted to.

“I didn’t but thanks for confirming for me since your flat is empty.”

Dammit, how did he fall right into her trap?

“Where are you anyway?” she asked, her tone insistent.

He held back a sigh. “I’m just in Malta. Nowhere fancy.”

A beat of silence passed. “Malta? That’s a lot weirder to go alone than to the Netherlands. Unless you’re not alone of course…”

He bit the inside of his cheek and looked at Nicky still sleeping. It wouldn’t hurt to give half truths, maybe. “And if I’m not alone?”

“I want to know about these things! You’ve never had a boyfriend, so if you do have one I want to hear about him.”

“And scare him off?”

“I would never!” He could hear her smile. “So does he have a name?”

He paused. “Nicky.”

“Cute. Is it short for Nicholas?”

“Nicolò.”

“Italian then?”

“Mhm.”

“Can I meet him soon?”

He went through every possibility in his mind that would give a satisfying answer as well as a defiant ‘no’. He was already treading into dangerous territory, he couldn’t go any further.

“Not really. No. He’s… he’s actually not out. He’s really paranoid about meeting people I know, on the off chance they know someone he knows. So we’re keeping it quiet for now.”

There was a long silence of Ramla’s end. “Okay. I understand. I guess it would make sense why you went on holiday together then. I’ll meet him when he’s all comfortable with the idea, right?”

“Of course.” He stared at Nicky through the window and saw how his figure curled into himself. His face was in the pillow and the sheets draped around him gracefully. He could easily be mistaken for a marble statue. “I’d love for you to meet him. Just not yet.”

They talked for a little longer after that. She told him some stories about seeing Aziz’s family. They didn’t get to see them a lot since they lived in Sheffield. Aziz had some nieces and nephews that loved Ramla. Joe remembered them fondly from their wedding.

When he hung up, Joe went back to bed. He didn’t curl into Nicky, instead he pulled out his iPad and started to sketch him. Nicky had said he could draw him whenever he’d liked and Joe decided to take this opportunity.

Nicky was sleeping on his side. One of his arms was under the pillow while the other laid stretched out in front of him. Half of his face was buried into the pillow, his nose nuzzled into it. His mouth was slightly open, making his lips plump. His hair was getting longer and was falling into his face slightly.

He couldn’t help but smile. He was the perfect thing to draw. Something about him just begged to be put down on paper.

He kept Nicky as he was and started to draw.

By the time he’d finished Nicky’s face, spending most of his time on getting his nose exactly right, Nicky’s eyes blinked open and found where he sat on the foot of the bed.

“This isn’t a bad sight,” Nicky yawned out, his eyes raking over Joe’s bare torso. His hair was probably an absolute mess but Nicky still looked at him like he was the only thing int he world. “Almost finished?”

He smiled at him. “Keep still, I’m almost done.”

Nicky’s smile grew and kept his position. Joe started on his torso, focusing on his shoulders. The sheet draped half way down his chest. Joe quickly sketched that out before going to his arms.

When he was satisfied, he set his iPad aside and crawled towards Nicky. He rolled him onto his back. Nicky’s light eyes looked up at him and his lips formed into a smile.

“Did you get out of bed just to draw me?” he asked, his tease in his tone.

Joe smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. “No. My sister called me. She sometimes barges into my flat and saw I wasn’t there. I told her I was here and she got it out of me I was with my hot Italian boyfriend.”

“You didn’t actually use that phrasing, did you?”

“Of course not. Shame I didn’t.”

He smiled at him and took his face in his hands. “I’d really like to meet her soon. All of your family.”

Joe looked down at him and before his mind could stay too far, he bent down to kiss him. He knew Nicky was only speaking hypothetically. He had to distract himself before his mind could go off in daydreams about their potential but far off future.

Nicky moaned against his lips and pushed on his shoulders. Joe moved to his neck as he said, “I mean it. I want to meet them soon.”

“Shh.” He kissed his ear. “No conversations about the future yet. Just us.”

That seemed to make him drop it enough, his hand going down south and they made music with their bodies.

Joe thought to himself when they’d have serious conversations about their future where they wouldn’t keep going around in circles and always remain in the same place they’d started. It was getting exhausting to the point whenever he wasn’t around Nicky, he felt so depleted of energy and questioned how long it could all truly last. His friends saw it in him and his reassurances had started to become less and less genuine.

But he didn’t want to leave Nicky. He couldn’t. He was in too deep and too in love with him for that to be his decision. He’d probably never fall in love again after him and he wasn’t sure if he would ever want to.

He kissed Nicky to distract himself. They still had a few more days to play pretend before they were back in the UK to continue their seemingly endless pain.

* * *

When they’d landed back in the UK, they’d decided to take a taxi to Joe’s together.

They’d held hands in the backseat. To Joe’s surprise, Nicky had been the one to take his hand that time. He was probably still riding the high of the time they’d had alone. It was still nice they were doing something so comfortably affectionate in somewhere semi public that wasn’t an entirely different country.

Nicky stayed close to him as they walked up to his flat. They passed a couple of his neighbours. Nicky still didn’t tone down his affection. He’d held his hand with his free on their way up. That was a big change from how they’d typically walk over a meter apart when they were together.

Instead of questioning it, he decided to just enjoy it. They’d lose it by the end of the day.

“I can’t say I will be good company for the rest of the day. My annual leave ended today and I need to respond to emails,” Joe said, setting his suitcase by the couch. “You’re welcome to stay of course.”

Nicky smiled at him. “I’d be happy to have some lunch. I told Maria I’d be home by the afternoon and take a taxi home.”

Joe beamed and kissed Nicky’s smile.

While Joe moved to his laptop to check his emails. He had a few work related ones and some from PhD students he was supervising. Nicky worked around the kitchen making sandwiches for the both of them.

They’re probably spent too long in Malta. He got too used to having Nicky like that. It was a fantasy in most ways. It was the most time they’d spent together where it was only the two of them. It reminded him why he’d stayed for as long as he’d had but in ways he got more weighted down by the fact that they had to go back to secrets.

Looking at Nicky and how he looked like a ray of sunshine in his kitchen reminded him why he stayed.

When the sandwiches were ready, Nicky set a plate down next to his laptop and wrapped his arms around his shoulders from behind and kissed his cheek. He rocked him slightly in his hold. Joe fell right into his touch like it was a pillow.

They stayed like that for a few moments, simply enjoying the warmth of each other. His laptop stayed open in front of him, an email from Nile around the art history department waiting for him.

“Maybe you could lie and say your flight got canceled and you’ll be home tomorrow.”

He expected a long sigh from Nicky. Instead, he go the smallest laugh. “Not today, amore mio. I do need to get home.” He pulled away, taking a moment to squeeze his shoulders before sliding into the empty seat next to him and starting to eat his own sandwich.

How his mood was weirdly different wasn’t lost on him. Instead of asking about it, he bumped their feet together and picked up his sandwich. “Thanks for lunch. Although why are you always so insistent on cooking for me?”

Nicky swallowed a mouthful of food before answering. “I was always taught food is a way to express love. I love you so I like cooking for you, it’s not a chore for me.”

“Ramla is going to love you because she would have to force me to eat when I was particularity busy. Especially when I was in uni. I once didn’t eat at all for a couple days during Ramadan since I tend to work better at night and just forgot to eat entirely.”

He frowned at him. “Okay, so when you’re grading papers or writing your own, I am going to be here to make sure you eat. How could you just not eat at all? How weren’t you hungry by sunset?”

“No. I didn’t have an apatite a lot of the time. Mostly due to stress. That can take control of me really bad. Doing a PhD is hell.”

He snorted, his smile returning. “Would I be crazy if I ever did one?”

His brows raised in curiosity. “Yes. But would you want to do a PhD in theology?”

“Oh, fuck no. But I do like philosophy. I took a few classes in it and kind of saw it as a good alternative if I ever decided to not become a priest. At least in the back of my mind; shoot me in the head if I ever decide to spend my PhD on theology.”

“So, what? You’d want to get as far away from religion related things as possible?”

He shook his head. “No. Just that I wouldn’t want to continue doing things related to it as a living. I think I’d need to get as far away from it as possible in a teaching sense. But I like philosophy a lot. Enough to do a PhD for it.”

His tone wasn’t exactly defiant but it sounded a lot less wistful compared to their other conversations around the idea of Nicky ever leaving the church and what the aftermath would have to entail. It wasn’t even hopeful, just as if it was a normal conversation.

When Nicky finished his sandwich he leaned over the table and kissed him. “I should start getting home. I’ll see you soon, right?”

“Mhm,” he mumbled close to his lips. He was tempted to pull in for once more kiss.

Nicky pulled away before he could.

“Want to meet up this weekend?” Nicky asked. It was already Thursday so it would only really be one day apart. Just not able to spend the night together as Nicky had to go to work Saturday night.

“Yes, of course,” Joe said. “Show up unannounced all you like too. I can get you a key.”

Nicky’s smile grew more. “I’ll stop being a bother for now,” he said. “Don’t want to keep Maria waiting for too long.”

He was tempted to ask again if he wanted to spend the night but he’d already said no so there wasn’t any point.

Nicky stayed with him until his taxi came. Nicky asked him to walk him to the taxi and Joe watched the car ride off.

Nicky’s better mood must’ve affected him because he didn’t feel emptiness in his stomach as they were separated by their situation again, just overwhelming affection.


	22. Chapter 22

It had only been a few days since he and Joe had came home from Malta but Nicky knew his mind hadn’t and wouldn’t change.

The priesthood was no longer fulfilling for him. It had never been, it had only ever been a result of shame he wasn’t ready to work through.

Joe was the only person who made sense anymore. It was coming close to a year from when they’d first met and he was certain Joe would be the right decision for him. He couldn’t deny himself that anymore. He was ready to deal with any and all consequences that came with that decision.

He stood on the other side of Joe’s flat, remembering how he had told him he was okay with him showing up unannounced.

After he knocked on the door, Joe opened it with a big grin. Nicky slid passed him and after Joe closed the door, he turned his head around and kissed him. Joe responded like it was the easiest thing in the world.

“You’re in a good mood,” Joe noted, a confused look crossing his face, his lips still in a smile.

Nicky beamed at him and kissed him again. It was so hard to not kiss him most of the time. Now on his high of confidence it was more difficult than usual. “Hello to you too. Were you busy?”

“Not particularity.”

“Good because I wanted to tell you something.”

Joe looked at him cautiously. It pained him to know he was thinking of the worst scenarios in his head despite Nicky’s mood. “Okay. What is it?”

Nicky took Joe’s hands into his own, rubbing his thumb into his palms. He’d practiced how he would say this but the real thing couldn’t compare. The anxiety, excitement, and adrenaline were insurmountable. The reality could be formed so easily just by a few words. It should be terrifying that a few words could change someone’s life forever. But he wasn’t scared, not when he had Joe to support him the whole way through.

“I’m going to leave it.”

Warm brown eyes blinked at him as if he hadn’t heard him at all. “Sorry?”

He squeezed his hands and intertwined their fingers together. “The priesthood. I’m going to leave it, Joe. I’ve put so much thought into this and all I know for sure is that you’re who I want. I don’t want to be tied to something that’s only making me miserable and has only ever made me miserable. You’re the love of my life and you’re who I want to spend the rest of it with. I’ve thought about it for so long and I know it’s the only answer for me. You are the only answer for me, Yusuf.”

Joe was gaping at him in disbelief. A few moments passed before he spoke, his voice breaking. “Really?”

He nodded. “I still need to go through the whole process but yes. Joe, I’m going to leave it all. I won’t be a priest anymore.”

Joe was so stiff that Nicky wasn’t sure if it was from shock or if the words hadn’t really hit him yet. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think that shock was from Joe realising it was all a mistake.

Then Joe flung his arms around him and held him so tight, Nicky gasped. Joe’s face landed on his shoulder and Nicky rubbed his back.

“You really mean it? You really do?” Joe asked, his voice on the edge of a sob.

He grinned, falling as far into his hold as he could. “Yes, amore mio. As long as you still want to marry me.”

Joe answered by kissing him on the mouth, full and hard and tender and sweet and desperate and gentle all at once. He kissed him back as they both rode on the euphoria. They were really going to have this, they were really going to be able to be together fully and without question or secrets. They wouldn’t have to travel far to feel like a normal couple. They could just be together.

When they were able to will themselves away from each other’s lips, they held each other’s faces in their hands, keeping their foreheads together, staring into each other’s eyes as they lightly panted, lips swollen from their kiss. Nicky couldn’t help but grin so much that it hurt.

“I love you so so much,” Joe said. “I thought… I didn’t think you would…”

“I know,” Nicky said. “I didn’t think so either.”

Really, he thought the only road for them for so long would be eventually crashing and burning, leaving two broken hearts. Maybe even Joe meeting someone else and leaving him to pursue that relationship. Instead, Joe stayed because their love was stronger than their situation. That’s how he knew it was worth it, constantly choosing each other because they wanted to have even the possibility of their love lasting.

When they finally pulled apart from each other, Joe asked him how he’d have to go through the process.

“I need to write a letter to my bishop. I’d probably be prompted into counseling but that’s voluntary. Like I said, a lot of priests leave to get married. I’m just another one doing so.” Even if it was uncommon to leave to marry a man. That wouldn’t be his problem to worry about anyway.

Nicky couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief. “We’re really going to get married. We won’t have to hide this anymore.” His voice was high. He could tell his family about Joe, he could meet Joe’s family. Everything would finally come together for them.

Joe had started to laugh too. “I think my friends will actually start to like you now. They’ll get to see exactly why I fell in love with you.”

He could see that. He really could. He wanted to be friends with Joe’s friends and now that he was going to give up the priesthood for him, that would hopefully put him right into their good graces.

“Don’t talk me up too much though, I’d hate to disappoint,” he said. “And we need to start planning our wedding too.”

“If we work quickly enough and keep it small we could be married by the end of August without just eloping. It might have to be in a registry office though.”

He grinned. “Perfect. It sounds perfect.”

Now all that was left was the hard part.

* * *

He was able to get Marco on Skype early that afternoon. Maria had taken Bruno shopping with her, leaving the house empty and allowing privacy.

He’d had things planned out in his head for how he’d handle the hypothetical situation where he was going to leave the church. In every scenario, the first person he’d told was Marco.

He was still wearing his suit for work when he’d answered.

“Must be important if we’re Skyping,” Marco said, his face smiling back at him. People would always say they’d had the same smile. Wide lips that would sometimes make hard to see unless you knew how to recognise it.

Nicky was sat on the desk in his room, his laptop sat on it. “It is. Thanks for picking up.”

Marco nodded. “So, what’d you want to talk about?”

He’d chosen the option of Skyping since he couldn’t exactly fly to Rome on such short notice and just talking on the phone made it feel like he was doing everything blind. He had to see Marco’s, and eventually his parents’, face to gage how he was handling the information.

“I think I need to just go right into it; I’m leaving the priesthood.”

There was a long silence as Marco’s brows furrowed together. Nicky stayed stiff. “You’re serious?”

“Yes.”

“Why? What made you decide that?”

He swallowed the lump in his throat, unsure of where to even begin. Somehow this part was so much harder.

“I fell in love. I’m getting married. Probably next month if we somehow pull everything together on time.”

Marco went silent again, this time his face softened. “Wow. Okay. Is there anything else you wanted to say about that?”

He had to rip it off like a bandage. “Yes. It’s... it’s Joe. The man you met when you visited. I’m gay. I probably should’ve started with that.”

He couldn’t really read Marco’s expression. It was like he was deep in contemplation. As if he was picking through the right words to say. Nicky wasn’t sure if there was an easier way to dump all of the information onto him.

When he finally spoke, his voice was soft. A deeper version of when he’d comfort him as a child over a hurt knee. “You know, the funny thing is I think I always knew you were. That was my biggest worry when you said you wanted to become a priest. Then when I met Joe, I think part of me hoped that was the case.”

He blinked at him. “You… knew?”

“No. I just thought it was a possibility. Call if brotherly intuition. I never said anything in case I was wrong or even if I was right, I didn’t think you’d tell me until you were ready. And now you are and that’s what matters.”

He stared at his brother, only visible because of a low quality webcam, and smiled. “I am. And I already feel so much happier.”

“I’m happy for you Nicky. And I’ll be there for the wedding. Just try to give a date soon. You’re probably crazy for trying to plan it so quickly.”

“Just be glad we’re not eloping. We might not even have catering, just a quick ceremony in a registry office. You know I’m not an extravagant person anyway.”

“Right. I can’t wait to get to know Joe better as well. He must be pretty great for you to be so sure to do this.”

“Yeah,” he breathed out. “He’s kind of incredible.”

When he hung up the Skype call, he called his parents on FaceTime and told them mostly the same things. They were more shocked than Marco although not in any malicious way.

“We will always love you, Nicolò, no matter what,” he mother had said as his father still looked like he was trying to process the information. Something told him that if they had been with each other in person his parents would be pulling him into a long hug.

He told Maria when she got home and she pulled him into a long hug while Bruno wasn’t sure what it all meant.

“So you’re giving it all up for him?” she’d asked when they were apart long enough.

“Not just for him. For me. I got into it for the wrong reasons and needed to get out for the same one.”

Maybe she wouldn’t get it but she still hugged him again and said Joe could come for dinner if he’d wanted to.

The future of it all was still uncertain but he was ready to face it with love behind him.

* * *

“No way!” Nile was gaping at the two of them with wide eyes.

“Yes,” Nicky said, not holding back absolutely beaming at her.

“No way, you’re really going to do it? And you’re getting married?” Her voice went high on the end of her sentence.

“Already sent my letter to the bishop.”

Nile fell back against Joe’s couch. Joe was laughing at her bewilderment while he held his hand. “I can’t believe it either,” he said and pressed a kissed to his temple.

“Guys, this is all too much,” she said. “I’m beyond happy but holy shit, I’m in shock you’re actually pulling this off. Like, I’m happy for you of course but I just didn’t think…” she trailed off and Nicky couldn’t blame her for thinking that.

“Wait until Andy finds out,” Joe said with a grin. “And Booker. Booker especially actually.”

“God, he’s going to love you got a man to leave the priesthood.”

Nicky couldn’t help but laugh. “When you say it like that it doesn’t sound right.”

“No, it sounds exactly as it should. I mean, I still remember how you were in college. I thought nothing would deter you away from it.”

He nodded, looking at Joe. “I thought so too for the longest time.”

For the most part, things had gone smoothly. Joe came over the other night for dinner and Maria shook his hand like it was the first time they had met. She had said it was like meeting him all over again now that she knew their true relationship.

Nicky and Maria had done their best to explain it all to Bruno. Although he barely seemed to care. Nicky could guess when he was old enough to really understand Nicky’s decision it would become a party story. Not something he could blame him for if it turned out that way.

Joe still had to tell his own family. His decision was just to dump it on them when they had a date for their wedding and the paperwork on Nicky’s end was finalised. They were sticking to their plan to keep it small. They just had to get immediate family into one place at once. Joe had already joked his parents were probably going to bully him into a proper wedding even if they were already married.

“I think we should celebrate,” Nile said. “Do you have champagne?”

“We do,” Joe beamed. Nicky couldn’t help but feel warmth in his chest at the use of ‘we’.

Joe’s flat was now their flat. He just had to get his name onto the lease. The life they wanted to build together was finally a real thing. They could have it. They could hold hands in public without him worrying someone would see them. They could be a couple so easily compared to their last few months together.

It still all felt like a dream.

There was one more thing he still needed to do before it felt all real though.

* * *

“What about this one?” Nile asked, pointing into the glass.

Nicky followed her gaze and he scrunched his nose when he saw a silver band with a emerald ring. “No, no gems or anything.”

Nile straightened up and her eyes darted around the glass again.

“What kind of ring were you thinking of anyway?” Nile asked, while a shop clerk hovered nearby. “Were you just wanting to go with plain?”

Nicky shrugged. “I wanted to suggest matching wedding rings but I’d still like to get him something nice as an engagement ring.”

Nile rested her hip against the glass counter. “Why are you proposing properly anyway if you’re already engaged?”

The store clerk, who was now on the other side of the room behind the counter ,raised a brow. Nicky ignored her.

“I put him through enough. I feel like I need to do it properly. He deserves that.”

He had been considering properly proposing to Joe even before he’d decided to leave. It wasn’t enough to just agree to marry because he’d decided to leave the priesthood. He had to do it to the fullest extent he possibly could. It was the least he could do for Joe before his experience as a priest went long forgotten and was just a bump in his life.

He would give Joe the entire world if he could. He hoped what he could give was close enough.

“What about this one?” she asked, pointing towards it in the glass.

He peered into the glass and saw a silver ring with diamonds encrusted into it. It was simple but in a good way.

He grinned. “I like that.”

The clerk came over when Nile politely called for her. She let Nicky hold onto it. He examined it in his fingers and smiled. It was perfect.

He walked out holding onto the small bag, Nile beaming next to him, riding his high as they walked to his car.

His plan was to do it that night. He was making dinner for the two of them at their flat. They were still in the transition phase of everything. He still had to start packing his things.

Maria wasn’t too upset he wouldn’t be around as much. Bruno was going to start kindergarten soon so she didn’t need him as constantly anymore. He was still happy to help out when he’d figured out what to do for work. He was still toying with the idea to get a philosophy PhD and eventually start teaching.

It was all in due time really. He had his own savings and Joe worked enough to cover most things for the both of them. It probably wasn’t the best way to start their marriage but Joe had been more or less insistent. He didn’t want Nicky to eat through his savings while still in between jobs. He was planning to find some sort of job eventually just to pay for some of his own expenses.

When he was in his car, he took the ring box out of the bag and opened it to examine the ring again. Something about it told him it would suit Joe so wonderfully. He couldn’t help but grin as he imagined him wearing it.

“I’m really going to marry him,” he said, thinking out loud more than anything.

Nile laughed. “You’re going to marry him so hard. It’s great.”

He set the box down in his lap and smiled widely at her. “It’s funny how I wouldn’t have gotten this if we weren’t put through hell.”

“I think I could’ve still introduced you two if we had still met.”

He shrugged. “We’ll never know. I’m just happy I have him at all.”

He handed the bag to Nile for her to hold while they drove away and Nicky tried to prepare the right words for Joe that night.

* * *

He kept dinner simple. Just a nice ravioli with good sauce. Joe had put on some music when he’d started to cook. Nicky hummed and sang along since Joe had expressed he loved hearing him sing. He loved the look on his face when he would.

The ring he had picked out was in his pocket, hopefully perfectly hidden from Joe.

As he stirred the sauce and moved his hips with the music, Joe came behind him and pressed himself into his back. Nicky laughed, falling back into his hold. “Can I help you?”

“Yes.” He kissed the back of his head. “I wouldn’t mind ravishing you a little when we finish dinner.”

He grinned. “Sounds great. But I do need to finish this first.” He turned in his hold and pushed on his shoulders. “You need to learn to be more patient.”

“Impossible. Could never be.” He was giving him a huge toothy grin as he said it.

Nicky rolled his eyes affectionately and turned back to the stove. “I can’t believe I left the priesthood for you.”

“Of course you did, I’m wonderful and you love me very much.”

He looked over his shoulder and saw he was still grinning at him. “Yeah, I do.”

While they ate dinner, it felt like the ring box was weighting in his pocket. He still hadn’t found the exact words he thought were good enough for Joe. But he was willing to try. It was so unfair Joe could create beautiful things out of words while he could only stumble through describing how he felt about him.

When they finished eating, Nicky took a deep breath and smiled at Joe. He took his hand into his own and let words fall out of his like a waterfall.

“I have something I want to say. I’m so ready to build a life with you and it’s really the only thing I’ve been thinking about. I could never say it as wonderfully as you can but I love you more than anything in this world. You’ve changed my life for the better, given me things I thought I wasn’t allowed to have. You are a beacon of hope and love for me and my future already feels brighter because of you.” He reached into his pocket as Joe stared back at him curiously. When he held out the rings box, Joe’s eyes softened and the sweetest smile was on his lips. “I know we’ve already agreed to this but I want to do it properly. You are the love of my life, Yusuf al-Kaysani, and I want to spend it with you.” He opened the box. “Will you marry me?”

He noticed how Joe’s eyes had started to glisten. “Yes, Nicolò. I’d marry you a thousand times over.”

He let him put the ring on his finger and Nicky let Joe take him into his arms and kiss him until they were both breathless. They exchanged sweet sentiments and ‘I love yous’ in a mix of languages.

He loved this man more than anything in this world and he was going to have all of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... we're finally here. Only took *checks Scriviner* almost 80k words. Still have chapters left of these idiots. Hope everything wasn't too angsty leading up to this.


	23. Chapter 23

He’d been waiting for Nicky to officially no longer be a priest before he’d told his friends and family— other than Nile.

Nicky had called him earlier that day and excitedly told him all of the paperwork had gone through. He was officially no longer a priest. Joe hadn’t had the chance to celebrate with him in person yet. He first wanted to tell everyone who had to know that he was engaged.

Somehow, he was able to get all of his siblings in the same Skype call at once. His parents didn’t know how to use Skype so that would have to be through FaceTime.

His plan was to ease into everything. Nicky had given his consent to let them know he used to be a priest, since that was an important detail. It was best to get it out of the way before they’d met Nicky.

“What the fuck do you mean you’re getting married?” Karim asked, his eyes wide and looking over his shoulder probably to make sure one of his kids wasn’t hiding behind him.

The main issue of telling your siblings you were now engaged was that if you had never mentioned you had a partner, they would understandably be confused. He’d expected it but that didn’t mean he’d wanted to go through all of it.

“When did you even get a boyfriend?” Hamza asked, looking at him utterly confused. “You’ve never even _had_ a boyfriend and now you’re telling us you’re engaged?”

Ramla had mostly been quiet. She knew about Nicky but all she knew was that Nicky was so deep in the closet he was too scared to even meet her and Aziz. He could imagine in her mind, marriage was a far off fantasy for them. Not something they’re going headfirst in a few weeks later.

“We’ve been dating since October,” he said, although it probably wouldn’t make things better. It was barely into July and he’d already told them they were trying to get everyone in the same place before the end of August. “I uh— there is a reason why you’re only finding out now though.”

Ramla looked expectantly. “Why do I get the feeling it’s not the reason you gave me?”

He opened his mouth to confirm that suspicion but Karim cut in before he could. “Wait, you knew he had a boyfriend?”

“I got it out of him but I haven’t met him,” she said, her mouth in a straight line. It was the kind of look she had given him when she was annoyed with him since she was fifteen.

He knew he just had to get it out of the way. He rests his chin on his hand as he sat at his table in the kitchen. “I didn’t exactly lie-lie. There was a very good reason why you’re only finding out now. It’ll also make sense why we’re already getting married.” Sort of, he hoped so at least. It all made sense to him and Nicky and that was what mattered.

Hamza snorted. “This better be good.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “He used to be a priest. He’s not anymore but he used to be a Catholic priest.”

All three of them went quiet. His hand had dropped into his lap as he waited for one of them to break the silence. He definitely didn’t want to be the one to.

“So… you’re saying you met someone who _used_ to be a priest and you started to date?” Hamza asked, his tone even. A completely reasonable conclusion to make, he realised.

“…No, he was still a priest when we met. And started to date.”

The second silence stretched out longer. It was so tense that Joe was ready to just leave the call and deal with it all later. He knew they would be surprised and it would take a moment to really sink in but actually being in it was kind of completely awful.

“So you got a man to leave the priesthood, that’s what I’m hearing,” Karim said, a smile smirk appearing on his lips. “Because if that’s what you’re saying that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”

That’s when Hamza started to laugh. “So wait, wait, wait— you didn’t seriously do that? You didn’t actually get a man to _leave the priesthood_ to marry you?”

“Okay, first off, he made the decision himself,” Joe said.

“But that’s essentially what happened, he left the priesthood so you could get married?” Ramla said, finally breaking her own silence.

“I— yes. That’s why he left it.” He let himself laugh. It was kind of surreal that this was the situation he was in. Nicky had really decided he was worth more than the Church. Putting that into words was hard for even he himself to believe.

“Sorry, this really is the absolute best thing I’ve ever heard,” Karim said, still laughing. “We should be able to make it for when you get married— mama and baba might get a little pissed you’re not having a proper wedding.”

“Another time maybe. We care more about being married.”

“You know you’re going to make them give our grandparents a heart attack, right?” Hamza said. “Wasn’t their plan to tell them while you were planning your wedding and then they could decide if they’d wanted to come?”

“Hey, it’s their fault for still telling them I just haven’t found the right woman for me yet and don’t want anything arranged,” Joe said, trying to not sound too bitter. “I’ll handle them fine anyway. Mama could just put the wedding photos on Facebook and let things be dealt with from there.” He knew after their initial shock his parents would be happy for him, all things considered.

“We don’t even know this man’s name!” Karim said. “Is he with you by the way so we can at least meet him before we’re in London?”

He shook his head. “He’s with his sister right now. He’s slowly moving his things in. But his name’s Nicolò, goes by Nicky. You guys will like him.”

“Well when can I meet him? I’m doing night shift tonight so maybe tomorrow?” Ramla said, her eyes hopeful.

He smiled. “Sure. We can do that. He wants to meet you too.”

He was able to get his parents on FaceTime an hour later, which mostly consisted of both of them ranting to him in Darija for a solid five minutes on how out of nowhere it was and how he couldn’t just go in with what could barely be considered a wedding in the first place.

That was all before he told them Nicky used to be a priest. When he got that information out of the way he was pretty sure their rants were held back by their shock.

“I know it’s sudden but we’ve had long talks about this and it’s what we both want,” he said, keeping his tone even. “It makes sense to us. I want you guys to be there, I know you expected a bigger wedding from me but that’s not what I need right now.”

His mama nodded slowly as his baba stayed still. “We’ll come to London of course. We do want to meet him. And you’re sure this is what you want?”

He nodded. “It’s been… a long year. I know it’s what I want to do.”

Baba watched him thorough the small screen before giving a curt nod. “We trust you know what you want. We should be able to make it for your wedding.”

He gave a relieved smile that he hoped showed how thankful to them he was. He should’ve known he could always trust he had his parents unwavering support. He had some worries ever since he had came out to them but this made him know for sure they would support him no matter what.

* * *

The second he let all three of his friends into his flat Joe knew he should’ve invited them to a more public place, if only to avoid them causing a scene.

“This must be important if you need us all in once place,” Andy said, already making herself at home on Joe’s couch. She still had a tan from her honeymoon in Greece.

Booker had already started to raid his cabinets for snacks. Quỳnh took a seat at the table and offered nothing more than a casual smile.

“It is,” he said, his arms folded behind his back. He might as well cut to the chase. “You’d be happy to hear I’m engaged.”

There was a loud crash as Booker dropped the mug he had been holding in his hand, the clay shattering on the floor. Thankfully it was a cheap one from Pound Land, he just hoped Booker would clean it up.

“You’re not serious?” Booker asked as Andy went to her feet and Quỳnh stayed frozen in her chair. “I— hold on, how much did we miss?”

He smiled. “Nicky left the priesthood so we could married— the paperwork is actually already through. He’s not a priest anymore.”

“Whoa hold on slow fucking down,” Andy said, holding up her hands. “You’re telling not only does Nicky want to leave the priesthood so you two can get hitched, you’re saying he’s _already_ done it? And marriage is a sure thing?”

He beamed. “We’ve told our families so there’s no going out now. He even bought me a ring and proposed properly.”

“Now you’re definitely fucking with us,” Booker said, crossing his arms, his jaw clenched as he stared him down like a bull.

Joe old responded by holding up his left hand.

Booker stepped forward and grabbed his hand, examining his fingers. His brows furrowed before his mouth gaped open. Then, softer than he’d ever heard his voice, said, “Holy shit.”

Andy more or less threw Booker out of the way as she checked his hand herself. “He really got you a ring?”

“Yeah. Nile even helped him.”

“ _Nile_ already knows?”

“You know that they’re friends! And kind of the reason we met. It just made sense for her to know first of you guys.”

Quỳnh was laughing from where she sat, hands clenched on her stomach. “This is great. This really is my favourite thing, it’s going to be a great party story. And I’m definitely going to bring it up to people unprompted.”

He rolled his eyes but he laughed anyway. “Please don’t. I doubt he’d really want to openly admit to it most of the time. But this means you guys are going to give him a second chance, right?”

Booker nodded. “Of course— I never disliked him anyway. I was just worried about you, that’s all. But holy fucking shit, he’s really left the priesthood for you? That’s unbelievable.”

“And you have three people who know what planning a wedding is like,” Andy said with a smile.

“Oh right. We’re actually just planning to go to the registry office in August, when we can get our families or as much of them in one place. Then get food afterwards,” Joe shrugged.

All three of them stared at him before Andy burst into laughter. “You two are just rushing into this headfirst no cares, aren’t you?”

“We just want to be married. Easier to get it out of the way while Nicky figures out work as well.” It was easily what made sense to them. He’d been ready to marry him for months. They probably would’ve eloped but that would’ve been unfair to their families. Maybe they could have a proper one when they renewed their vows.

“God, this is literally just a whirlwind romance,” Quỳnh said. “You are just all or nothing, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, to think you had to be bullied to go on dates just a year ago,” Booker said, a tinge of disbelief still in his tone. “He really quit being a priest to marry you. Fuck.”

“Is it that hard to believe I’m that amazing,” he teased. Really it was hard enough for he himself to believe Nicky saw him as someone worthy of a decision that big. In a way, they’d been sealed into this fate ever since they’d first laid eyes on each other.

“We should celebrate,” Andy said. “Maybe we can all go to that gay bar? Gives us a chance to really get to know Nicky.”

He’d been meaning to take Nicky to a gay bar. It hadn’t been a top priority during the whole process. “Sure. I think he’d enjoy that. You guys are going to love him.”

Finally, things were going into their favour.

* * *

“And you’re sure they’re really going to give me a second chance?” Nicky asked, smoothing out the bomber jacket he was wearing. They were still outside the bar after getting out of their taxi. Andy had texted him to tell him she, Quỳnh, and Nile were already there. Booker was running slightly late since it was his turn that night to do the dishes.

Joe’s arm was slung around Nicky’s waist. “Like I said, they never technically disliked you. They were just worried about me. Now that we’re getting married soon they’ll relax.”

They’d been able to secure their marriage for the 15th of August. Like they’d wanted, it was going to be small. Outside of Joe’s immediate friend group, the only family coming was their parents and siblings, as well as Joe’s sibling’s respective spouses and children. Karim and Hamza only had three young children between them and they would be tied to Bruno for the whole day.

Ramla was already planning to cook a big dinner for when she got to meet Nicky in a few days. Aziz had told him that she was going around the halal butcher trying to figure out what would satisfy the palate of a ‘definitely fussy Italian who is going to be her brother in law’. He found it endearing that she cared enough to make a good impression as if Nicky wouldn’t be worried the entire time about making his own.

Nicky smiled and rested his head on his shoulder for a moment. “I’m still in awe of all of this. How we can do this now. I stopped by my church today actually. The priests there were pretty shocked but they didn’t say anything homophobic at least, so they stuck to the church’s reputation. I think they were just disappointed I broke my vows.”

“Do you regret that? Not waiting until you were no longer a priest before we did anything?”

“No. I don’t regret anything that got us here.” He lifted his head and turned so they were face to face before kissing him. Joe smiled and kissed him back.

When they pulled away, Nicky laughed. “What?”

“I just kissed you on the street. I just kissed my fiancé on the street in London.” Nicky’s voice had a tinge of disbelief in it.

Joe grinned back. “And I’ll do it to you too.” And he kissed him pulling him closer into his arms so they were chest to chest.

When they finally pulled away long enough to walk inside of the bar, they held hands. They found the girls relatively quickly after getting their own drinks.

It wasn’t like it was the first time they were together in a social setting but it felt like he was introducing Nicky all over again to Andy and Quỳnh. When they’d met Nicky, he was simply Nile’s priest friend. Then he became the boyfriend of Joe’s they thought he shouldn’t even have. Now, it was as if the priest part had never even been there.

Joe kept his arm slung over Nicky’s shoulders, a casual way of affection. During the few times they had gone out together in public in the UK they always kept a distance where outsiders wouldn’t be able to see the true nature of their relationship.

It was surreal sitting with Nicky in a gay bar, allowing everyone around them to know they were a couple. Doing it in a gay bar almost added an extra amount of euphoria because they couldn’t even be mistaken for friends who were sitting together comfortably.

Booker arrived soon after their arrival. He took the opportunity to shake Nicky’s hand and let him know he was happy to start over as long as he was. Nicky, ever the kind person, smiled and assured him he held no ill will. Joe let himself grin at that. He’d hoped for their openness and they were already handing it to him. He had no doubt soon they’d see exactly why he’d fallen in love with him, especially with Nile’s support. From what he understood, they liked him well enough before they’d found out about their relationship.

“I let Adele know you’re getting married by the way,” Booker said, taking a sip of his beer.

“Oh no,” Joe said with a smile at the thought of Adele’s reaction. “What’d she say?”

“Demanded to know why she didn’t know you were dating someone.”

Nicky snorted into his drink. “What did she say when you told her it was me he’s marrying?”

“She still doesn’t believe me. Might not until the wedding. Which you are both crazy for deciding to do so quickly.”

Nicky shrugged and smiled. “What’s the point of waiting?”

“I guess I just also assumed both of your families would want a religious one.”

“Oh mine definitely would, I just don’t want to go through the headache with it being gay and interfaith,” Joe said with a shrug. “If anyone would perform that to begin with.”

Nicky nodded. “And if the Catholic church was suddenly okay with gay marriage and interfaith ones I probably wouldn’t be allowed in a church again for a long time, if ever.”

Booker squinted his eyes at him. “I forgot you’ve got jokes.”

Joe grinned and pulled Nicky closer to him.

Andy and Quỳnh started to talk about their honeymoon. As they switch between conversations, Joe and Nicky stayed pressed into each other like two magnets.

By the end of the night, it was clear Andy, Quỳnh, and Booker were halfway ready to consider Nicky a friend.

* * *

Ramla wasted no time in giving Nicky a hug when she met him. Nicky gave her a hug back while looking over her shoulder at Joe as he waited for something to go wrong.

“It is so nice to meet you,” Ramla said with a big smile.

Nicky smiled back at her. “You too. Joe has told me you’re a nurse so I’m happy to see we made it into your busy schedule.”

She gave a wave of a hand. “He always does. Even when he doesn’t want me too.”

Joe rolled his eyes and said hello to Aziz after he shook Nicky’s hand and introduced himself.

“Did she scare the butcher at all?” he asked, nodding towards Ramla.

“Almost until she told him why she was that way. He offers congratulations by the way.”

Joe smiled, even if the butcher probably pictured a woman at his side. He could smell the food wafting from the kitchen. He instantly recognised it as djerbian rice.

When they were sat at the dinner table, Aziz turned to Nicky. “So I didn’t believe Ramla when she told me, so I do have to ask; were you actually a priest or not?”

Nicky turned stiff and looked at Joe across the table. He only gave a shrug in return. They both had assumed allowing others to pass on that information meant they wouldn’t have to ever mention it again. Unfortunately, something so scandalous couldn’t be left alone in such a way.

“Um. Yes. I was.”

Aziz looked at Nicky then at Joe. “Shit.”

“You didn’t believe her?” Joe asked, looking at Ramla.

She laughed across from Joe. “Noor and Fatima — they’re our sisters in law” she added towards Nicky. “—don’t believe it either if it makes you feel better. It’s not something you hear everyday — plus I just imagine priests as old anyway.”

Nicky visibly relaxed and laughed. “That’s fair.”

Joe thought about Hamza and Karim and how they’d definitely spend the next few years constantly bringing up Nicky’s former status. Not even to be malicious, just because in hindsight it was funny. He couldn’t wait for the day he and Nicky could laugh at it so easily.

“So now that you’d need a new job, what are you planning to do?” Aziz asked, clearly wanting to take the subject away from conversations about Nicky’s past.

Nicky shrugged. “Still working through that. My degrees are both in theology but I don’t want to go on to teach religion or anything. I am thinking about getting my PhD though.”

Ramla groaned. “God, that just makes me think of how bad Joe was when he did his. He forgot to eat on his worst days which didn’t help during Ramadan.”

“It’s not like I did it on purpose,” he grumbled but still smiled at her.

They continued the night in conversations that turned to lighthearted jokes and Ramla pulling out photos of Joe from his early twenties and his teenage years. Joe had to choose between jumping out the window and drowning himself in his glass of water. Nicky teased him for his obviously terrible attempts at trying to grow a beard when he was fifteen and he teased back saying he would ask Maria for pictures of him.

When they left, Ramla gave both of them a hug at the door. She whispered in his ear that she liked Nicky before letting go.

They held hands over the console and Joe wondered to himself how he had gotten so lucky in his life.


	24. Chapter 24

Nicky’s parents arrived in the UK, with Marco in tow, still seemingly shell shocked of being there in the first place. Before their flight, they had told him that they were excited to meet Joe. Although Nicky did still wonder if they held any doubts around his decision. Maria had reassured him by telling him once they’re around the two of them, they’d know their love was enough. Even if from the outside the decision was completely out of nowhere.

Joe had spent the better part of the morning making himself look as polished as possible. Nicky had tried to assure him he looked great no matter what. Joe still went around his flat, rambling about how he couldn’t find some coconut hair oil spray that his hair absolutely needed before his future in-laws laid their eyes onto him.

He couldn’t really blame him. His parents had to see Joe was worth leaving the priesthood for. They had seemed to quickly accept his sexuality — he had to assume they had their own suspicions like Marco and Maria — but leaving the priesthood should’ve been something to precede that confession, not the two rolled into one along with his decision to marry. People at his old church in Italy knew his parents, and word got around quickly in communities like that. He’d hate for their interpersonal relationships to be damaged by a decision he had made for himself.

Although, maybe they both didn’t love he was staying in the UK permanently either. He had never seen himself doing it and yet here he was. It was somehow a bigger decision than leaving the priesthood.

The wedding was in a few days and his parents and Marco were staying with Maria. Nicky had moved all of his things into his and Joe’s flat by that point but he was going to try to come by Maria’s as much as possible. Which was where Joe was waiting for them as well. They had gone back and forth in whether they should be eased into it but they’d decided to go for the approach where they got it over and done with. There was no point in delaying the inevitable.

Marco had told him he’d spent as much time as he could talking up Joe. He’d made sure to let them know that he was fluent in Italian first. Nicky could only laugh as they put the bags into the car boot.

“They’re going to love him, don’t worry,” Marco had said. “They’re still surprised but they know you wouldn’t make this decision unless you were sure. He loves you so they’ll love him.”

Nicky held onto that assurance for the whole drive to Maria’s.

Maria was the one who answered the door and hugged their parents before they came inside. Nicky took the hug as his chance to find Joe.

He quickly found him in the lounge drawing at the table with Bruno. Bruno had seen Joe’s art and they had bonded over drawing together. Joe had said something about how all children loved to draw but fostering that love was important for it to stay.

He was so happy that was his parents first sight of Joe.

Bruno burst up from his chair to hug mama and papa, which was wha caught Joe’s attention of them entering the room. He stood up from his chair as casually as he could, his hand going right to his hair. His hair looked perfect so it was definitely a nervous habit.

He smiled at Joe which made his fiancé visibly relax. His parents being here meant they already supported their decision.

He had found his way to Joe’s side and placed a hand on his lower back. “Mama, papa, this is Joe,” he said when their attention was away from Bruno.

Papa was the first one to step forward and held out his hand for Joe to shake. “Giovanni,” he said as they shook hands.

“Paulette,” mama said, shaking Joe’s hand too. “What was your last name?”

“Don’t vet him already mama,” Marco said with a smile. “Good to see you again, Joe.”

“You too,” Joe said, a smile finally on his lips. He looked back at mama and papa. “And it’s al-Kaysani. My first name is Yusuf but I go by Joe more often than not.”

“ _Dr_. al-Kaysani, right?” Marco said, stuffing his hands into his pocket.

He definitely had to kill Marco before he left.

“Yes,” Joe said. “Not an M.D. though, I teach art history at a university.”

“Still a doctor,” Marco said and looked at mama and papa.

The rest of the day turned out what Nicky would call; good. His parents were clearly still at least a little shocked by it all but they treated Joe with kindness, asked questions about him and how they had met, and liked that he was friends with Nile. He could at least tell his parents were trying to see what about Joe made him know it was the right decision to leave. He hoped by the wedding they would understand it was the only option that made sense anymore.

During the drive home, Nicky’s head fell onto Joe’s shoulder as he drove.

“I think that went okay,” Nicky said. “They might not get it completely yet but I think they’re happy for me.”

“As long as they don’t know I destroyed your honour before you left, I think it will stay like that,” Joe teased.

Nicky snorted. “I would prefer my parents to think I’ve never had sex.”

Really, despite everything, he was thankful things turned out pretty good. Once they were used to the idea everything would be close to normal. He could tell his parents were genuinely trying to make the effort. He knew things wouldn’t be by any means perfect immediately but it was something. It was more than he could ask for in most ways.

“Your family will be here tomorrow, right?” Nicky asked, raising his head from Joe’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Get ready for the hell that is my brothers. They’re going to make fun of me for this for years.”

Nicky smiled to himself. “I can imagine. You’re okay with that?”

“Yeah. They would’ve found something to make fun whoever I married.”

He smiled and kissed his jaw before sitting back in his seat.

* * *

Joe parents were a lot like Nicky’s own from what he could tell. Shock over the situation yet still seemingly happy for the both of them.

“I was half thinking you’d never get married,” his mother had said with a teasing smile. They’d met up at Ramla’s place since it was bigger than their flat and she had made them all tea. Joe’s nieces and nephew were playing in the backyard. They were close to Bruno’s age so he hoped they’d get along at the wedding.

Joe laughed, causing his knee to press harder into Nicky’s. Nicky smiled to himself, taking a sip of his tea. “I’m only thirty-four mama.”

“Yes, but you were still the last of you children to get married,” she chided over her own tea.

When Joe’s parents — Ibrahim and Nakia — had walked into Ramla’s house giving Joe hugs, Joe’s brothers and their families right behind them, and Joe introduced him as smoothly as he could. So far, his former status as a priest hadn’t been brought up and Nicky had to hope it would stay that way. He did fully expect one of Joe’s brothers to bring it up eventually, if only as a tease towards Joe.

“Don’t be too hard on him, mama,” Karim said, placing his daughter Yasmin in his lap. She looked to be about three and was the youngest of Joe’s nieces and nephews. Nicky could already see her and Bruno terrorising everyone at the wedding. “He’s been a workaholic since his first year of uni.”

“I couldn’t even get married when I was in my first year of uni,” Joe countered with a grin, Karim squeezing Yasmin’s cheek when she piped in a ‘why’. “And I think waiting turned out well,” he added, and Nicky saw him smile at him from the corner of his eye.

Hamza gave a teasing smile. “All things considered, right?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay, stop teasing the poor man,” Joe dad said with an affectionate smile. “He didn’t nearly give either of you a hard time when you were engaged.”

“Joe’s the baby brother, he gets the teasing,” Karim said.

“Yeah, he should be glad we’ve barely started,” added Hamza.

Nicky snorted, “God, you two will be some unstoppable force when you meet my older brother.”

“It’s our job as older brothers, I’m sure you understand,” Karim said.

Hamza and Karim’s respective wives had been sitting with Ramla having their own conversation. From what Nicky knew, Noor and Fatima still thought Nicky having been a priest was some sort of elaborate prank. He was mostly grateful they hadn’t brought it up although he did fully expect to be asked about it later. He knew it technically had to happen but that didn’t mean he had to look forward to it.

Their families weren’t meeting until the day of the wedding, which was the day after the next. They figured a Saturday would work best for everyone, mostly due to religious practices but they also didn’t want to keep their families from work for too long. They almost felt bad about springing it on them so quickly. It was either this decision so they could be married before Joe had to go back for the new semester or simply elope. They’d already put their religious parents through enough and had decided it was best to not give them a literal heart attack with the latter decision. Especially when they’d kept their relationship a secret for almost a year.

All in all, things seemed to have worked out well in their favour after so many fears they were only destined to crash and burn.

* * *

Nicky would be happy to argue that weddings in a registry office didn’t deserve their bad reputation.

There were chairs set up for their family and friends, their friends being pushed to the back, due to family priority despite their protests. The kids remained well behaved. The flowers added were a nice decor.

“It’s still weird not doing this in a mosque,” Joe had said before the ceremony as they stood in the waiting room.

“Oh trust me, I feel like I’m going in blind and I have literally _performed_ weddings before. I mean, we’re not even spending half the time doing mass!” Nicky had laughed in response.

When they were called in for the wedding to be performed, they stood in front of the person performing their marriage. The simplicity of it all was apparent but neither of them cared.

They were here.

They were getting _married_. Absolutely nothing else mattered but that.

They had chosen to use the standard vows, and each giving their own promises to follow. Mostly because Nicky knew he wouldn’t be able to hold a candle to the kinds of words Joe could come up with if it had all been their own vows. No, standard vows were good enough and he could spend the rest of his life trying to find the right words for Joe.

When the, unsurprisingly quite short, ceremony got to the vows, Nicky went first.

He took hold of Joe’s hand as he said his vows. “I, Nicolò di Genova, take you, Yusuf al-Kaysani to be my wedded husband. I give you this ring as a token of my never dying love for you and my devotion to what we have.” He slipped the ring onto Joe’s finger. When it was on, Joe squeezed his hand before letting go to take his own.

“I, Yusuf al-Kaysani, take you, Nicolò di Genova, to be my wedded husband. I give this ring as a symbol of my love for you and our future together. You are not only all and more to me Nicky but my everything.” He slipped the ring on and he felt the cool silver of it as well as Joe’s own ring as Nicky squeezed his hand.

They were declared married and they kissed, and everything in the moment finally felt perfect.

* * *

Nicky had been staring down at the marriage certificate from the moment they got to the restaurant, running his fingertips along his and Joe’s names. In black ink a piece of paper declared they were married, as if they hadn’t spent almost a year in hell. It was surreal that he was able to hold it now, it still not completely lost on him that he was able to do it with a man.

They had been able to secure a Mediterranean style restaurant for the sort-of-reception. A friend of Aziz was a manager there and was able to get them a table big enough for everyone.

Joe kissed his cheek. “Guess Brexit can’t kick you out now, right?” he teased into his ear.

He lightly elbowed him, still smiling. “We’re really married.”

“Mhm. It’s still… kind of hard to believe isn’t it?”

“It’s definitely going to take a minute.”

He thought back to October and how he had told Joe he had no promises for him. Back then, where they were now hadn’t seemed like a possibility. Only a daydream for a braver person.

Here he was, away from the priesthood and holding something that tied him to something else. Only this time, he was sure in his decision.

He rested his head on Joe’s shoulder. “I can’t wait for you to go back to work and just talk about your wonderful husband.”

Joe laughed, his face falling into his hair. “My colleagues are going to get so sick of hearing about you, I can’t wait.” He pressed a kiss to his head. “And I can drag you to work events as arm candy.”

Nicky snorted, falling into his touch.

After eating, they moved to a nearby park for photos. They hadn’t hired a photographer but Noor did have a good camera and claimed to be ‘kind of okay’ at taking photos with it. It worked out perfectly fine for what it was.

Their parents had been hinting that they did expect there to eventually be a proper wedding, or at least one not in a registry office. It wasn’t like they could easily have a religious ceremony. Neither of them were really sure they wanted one. Nicky hadn’t had the time to even really reflect on his own relationship with faith. That was for another day. It was really much more about including extended family, even if most were probably doomed to finding out about his marriage and leaving the priesthood from photos posted to Facebook.

Joe had told him his extended family in Tunisia still didn’t know he was even gay and was dreading them finding out. Nicky couldn’t really offer comfort, even if Italy had its own homophobia it couldn’t compare at all to Tunisia where it was illegal. All he could do was hold his hand and offer hope that their reactions won’t be completely negative. But Nicky had to learn he was never going to be able to please everyone, it was impossible.

“Thanks so much, Noor,” Joe said grinning at his sister in law as they looked over her shoulder at the pictures on her camera. For someone who considered herself an amateur, they were pretty good. “You really didn’t have to do that.”

“Nah, it was fine. You’d regret not having pictures eventually,” she shrugged, pushing on a pin in her hijab that came loose as she took the camera off of her neck. “They’re good pictures but I could probably send them to a friend who’s better at editing than me if you don’t mind paying.”

“You know I’m a big believer in artists getting paid fairly,” Joe said with a smile.

“Always good for it,” she smiled.

When she left to go sit with Karim, Nicky followed their eyes to where the kids were playing on the playground. Yasmin, as well as Hamza and Fatima’s daughter Chaima and son Tariq, were playing on it with Bruno. They had gotten along well almost immediately, Bruno looking more than ecstatic he had children close to his age to play while they were taking photos.

Bruno still didn’t seem to grasp things fully. Nicky had explained to him why he was suddenly allowed to get married, although not in the greatest detail. He could see ten to fifteen years from now him asking more questions and Nicky had to hope he would be able to give answers that would make sense without divulging into too much detail. Although by that age Bruno would be able to fill in the blanks for himself.

They hadn’t had much chance to see Andy, Booker, Quỳnh, Nile, and Adele throughout the day. They hopefully understood they had prioritised family.

Nicky and Joe made their way over to them, where they were met with a huge hug from Nile. “I really can’t believe this!” she grinned at them when she stepped back. “You two really got married and everything!”

“Fucking crazy we had to go through two weddings this summer,” Booker said, more too Adele than anyone who laughed in response.

“At least we didn’t overshadow Andy and Quỳnh,” said Joe.

“Nah, two faculty members can have gay weddings. It gives more for colleagues to bitch about,” Andy said with a wave of her hand. “Actually, the weight might be taken off me and Quỳnh if people find out Nicky’s old job.”

Nicky laughed as Joe said “yeah probably.”

Booker raised a brow. “Are we making jokes about this now? Can we?” he asked, looking between him and Joe.

“Well don’t be too vulgar,” Nicky said with a shrug. “But I don’t mind joking about it, just would prefer it to not be brought up in every conversation.”

“You know that people are going to ask anyway,” Quỳnh said. “How are you going to avoid it when people ask about your old job anyway?”

“I… I don’t think I’ve thought that far yet.”

“You could just lie and say you did freelance or something,” Nile said.

“Freelance in what? I’m legitimately the opposite of a creative.”

“Yeah, be more creative with your lies. Mysterious if you will,” Booker said, his tone teetering on a laugh.

“You already have the accent, it’ll help,” Adele agreed next to him.

Nicky laughed again. “I don’t need people thinking I have some criminal past. I’d prefer people knowing about the priest thing.”

Andy snorted into her wine. “‘Priest thing’, I love that, lets start calling it that.”

“Yeah, makes the promise to not fuck hit less,” Quỳnh agreed.

Joe pulled him closer to him by his waist. “Could you guys please stop bullying my husband. It’s very hard to watch.” His tone way playful as his fingers rubbed against his hip.

“I will say this for sure,” Nile said. “This is a great party story. I can already see my brother going viral off a TikTok talking about this when I tell him.”

“Please don’t, I don’t want to be forced to understand TikTok,” Joe said. “But hey, everyone who hates the Catholic church would definitely love it.”

“Don’t say that too loud you’re around Italians,” Booker teasingly scolded.

“Don’t worry, they already accept he made me leave the priesthood, nothing worse he can do” Nicky said.

He realised then that his relationship with Joe’s friends was easily on its way to great.

* * *

The sun was starting to set when they got home.

Their home. Because they were _husbands_.

Joe’s tie was hanging loosely around his neck and Nicky was ready to pull it all the way off. His curls were less than what Nicky knew Joe would call ‘perfect’ after Nicky spent the day running his fingers through it. He looked nothing short of gorgeous as he stripped off his suit jacket

Nicky smiled at him and crossed the room, taking hold of him in his dress shit and pulling him closer. “Hello, husband.”

Joe smiled at him in such a sweet way, taking hold of him by his hips. “Hello, husband.”

They both nodded forward, their noses brushing together. Their lips met softly and they kissed in their lounge room with so much love and tenderness, almost identical to the first time.

Joe was pulling on Nicky’s tie, gently loosening it so it came off easily. He dropped his arms as Joe pulled his suit jacket on his shoulders so it could fall to the floor easily. Nicky loosened Joe’s tie and tossed it to the ground.

They continued to kiss as Joe started to undo the buttons of Nicky’s shirt. Nicky’s hands had moved to Joe’s face.

When all of the buttons were undone, they moved to their room. Nicky kept his dress shirt hanging open. Joe pulled him into his lap, trailing his lips against his chest, leaving a trail of love bites. Nicky’s shirt had fallen to his elbows so he pulled it off, tossing it to the floor. He got to work onto Joe’s shirt.

When it was off, they kissed shirtless for a while. Their tongues moved against each other gently, the tips meeting in the middle.

They pulled off their dress pants and boxers before they moved position so Nicky was sitting with his back against the headboard and Joe was now in his lap.

He could feel Joe’s cock pressing against his stomach and he rutted his bare ass against Nicky’s own cock.

“How do you want it?” Nicky asked, murmuring into his husband’s ear.

Joe groaned, his grip tightening on his shoulders. “I kind of just want to fuck myself in your lap if that’s okay.”

He kissed his jaw. “Anything, amore mio.”

They had left lube on the bedside table so Nicky reached for that and started to prep Joe. He made the sweetest sounds at the feeling of his fingers inside of him.

Joe sighed in absolute bliss when his fingers brushed against the sweet spot deep inside of him. “You’re amazing. I love you.”

Nicky laughed softly against his jaw. “Just tell me when it’s good for you.”

It was hard to believe they hadn’t known each other a year ago and Nicky had spent that time packing up to reluctantly move to the UK. It was impossible to think there ever was a point where Joe wasn’t in his life. He was his life now and it came together so easily.

It was times like this he thought back to the scared child he was, sitting in confession to speak of his temptation of sin and was forced down the wrong path. That child had no idea what was waiting for him at the end of such a painful road, all he could see was more agony for so long.

Now he had the love of his life in his arms and he was ready to have him forever.

He had slipped a third finger inside and Joe was quivering against him. The noises he was making already made him ready to sit back and take pleasure in him.

Joe gave him the okay and he slipped his fingers out, replacing them with his pre-slicked cock. Joe held onto his shoulders as he slid himself up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

Joe’s thighs were straddling him so he took hold of them to keep him steady. Joe’s cock kept hitting his chest with his movements. His eyes were squeezed shut as if he was going to shoot all over his chest any second.

Nicky started to mumbled sweet words into his ear. He kissed the spot behind his ear for extra measure.

“Yusuf, keep going,” he mumbled into his ear. “Feels so good.”

“Nicolò,” he mumbled out, his arms wrapping around his shoulders as he moved with only his hips. Nicky tried to meet him in the middle though the position proved to be difficult. He was ready to push him onto his back and fuck him properly but he enjoyed Joe in this position too much to lose it already. “I think I might come without you even touching me.”

He held back a moan, his teeth biting into his bottom lip. “Keep going, love. Do that to yourself, I’m all yours to make yourself feel good.”

He felt him clench around his cock at that comment as he breathed out ‘fuck’.

He kept bouncing in his lap, slick skin slapping together. Nicky could feel he was close but he tried his hardest to hold on until Joe had came. He could feel him leaking on both of their stomachs already.

He trailed his fingers up and down Joe’s spine and that seemed to be his breaking point. He came with a cry of Nicky’s name all over their stomachs.

He breathed in his arms for a few moments before mumbling Nicky could finish himself off.

Nicky pushed him onto his back gently, keeping himself inside of Joe, and bucked his hips into a steady and slow rhythm.

Joe’s hands were back in his hair and he kissed along his jaw.

When he came, he only saw Joe.

When he pulled out and rolled to Joe’s side, their heads were on the foot of the bed. They panted for a few moments, Nicky riding the last high of his orgasm, before Joe said, “I think we’re the wrong way.”

Nicky laughed and they moved to the bathroom to wash off. Nicky’s cum had been dripping down Joe’s thigh and Joe grumbled something about almost regretting they gave up on condoms months ago that made Nicky laugh.

After they had showered, Nicky went to lay on their bed and watched Joe apply product to his curls. He thought of going to him and hugging him from behind but he’d learned Joe’s hair routine was serious business and not one to be interrupted.

Instead, he rolled over to check his phone. He looked at Nile’s Instagram to see there were pictures of her with the rest of their friends at the wedding. It was just outside the registry office. The caption mentioned her friends were getting married but had no direct mention of Joe or Nicky. Joe had asked their friends and family with public social media to hold off on posting pictures that directly showed either of them until he could post his own. He knew his work colleagues were going to find out he got married and he was still trying to figure out their full game plan. They at least didn’t have to lie about how they had first met. Some might find it sweet they had met at a gallery.

“I was meaning to ask, do you still have things in Italy to move over,” Joe asked, moving back into their room, curls freshly soaked with product.

Nicky nodded. “Yeah. Just some old things I kept there since I thought I wouldn’t be here for too long. Mostly sentimental things and pictures. Wish I could use my old car but you very dumb British people have to drive on the other side of the road.”

Joe smiled at him and laughed. “You would seriously drive all the way from Genoa to London? You’re a crazy man.”

“You married me.”

“Only because you asked nicely.” He leaned down and pecked their lips together. “We can share mine until you can afford your own.”

He frowned. “You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I don’t mind. No reason to, right?”

“Guess so.” He stretched his arms over his head. “So what do you want to do now that we’ve consummated our marriage?”

“Could use a movie. One of those Italian ones you like.”

He grinned. “I’ll make the popcorn.”

With a fresh bowl of popcorn, he settled himself between Joe’s legs on the couch. They spent the rest of their first night as husbands in each other’s hold with the TV screen glowing onto them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: in the comics, Joe also called Nicky his 'everything' after 'all and more'. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the little wedding :3 The first draft actually didn't have their vows but I thought in the end I should add it to make things feel more complete. 
> 
> I also finally finished editing the draft! I'm actually about to be in the process of moving while also still working most of the week so I'm proud of my self for finishing on time. Excited for all of you to see the eventual ending.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realsied after this there's only two chapters left...
> 
> Like I said in the first chapter, this whole thing might be longer than it needed to be (and I almost made it longer!) but I do love this whole thing and I'm glad you all are too. Enjoy this chapter!

Before he had even left for work, Joe had been trying to figure out the best way to inform his colleague of his marriage. It was something he should probably bring up as soon as he could to those who mattered and let the gossip spread on its own. The way people had found out that about his sexuality was after a passing joke of telling a couple of his straight colleagues he was gay so the rest of them could have a chance. People were asking him if that gossip was true for two months.

Unsurprisingly when he’d brought it up to his TA’s and PhD students, most asked about his husband. They were all clearly surprised this was the first time they were even hearing he’d had a partner. He was able to smoothly get around too much information while still telling them about Nicky. Even the question of what he did for work wasn’t difficult to answer since he was able to say he’d just moved from Italy and was currently unemployed as a result.

The pictures Noor had taken had been edited so they had been able to print them and put them up in their flat. Joe put one on his desk in his office. He’d already had a few people who stopped by ask about it. Others were able to figure out for themselves what kind of event they were at and either congratulated him or said nothing. It was the smoothest way it could all go for something that to outsiders came out of nowhere, especially with his reputation to not commit to a long term relationship for an unknown reason.

The only problem with allowing people to see the picture to learn the news was that it included people he didn’t exactly like.

Dr. Keane walked into his office without knocking. He swung the door opened hard enough to startle Joe from his computer.

“al-Kaysani, did you have that text you borrowed from Scythia?” he asked when Joe gave him an annoyed look.

He pushed down his annoyance and nodded. The text was a book on the Ottoman Empire that had an interesting chapter on art he’d wanted to read. Keane was another member of the history department. He also seemed to be the only person in the humanities department that didn’t despise Merrick and Kozak with his very being. From what he could tell he was friends with both of them. He didn’t pay too much attention to them on most days but he did always see them together at events the university held.

“Yeah, I’ve got it,” he said and pushed away from his desk to get it from his shelf. He picked up the heavy text and turned back to Keane.

Keane wasn’t looking at him anymore, instead his eyes were fixed on the photo on the desk. The photo showed him and Nicky with their faces turned towards each other and huge grins on their faces while they stood with their arms around each other’s hips with their hands and fingers intertwined.

“Oh, I got married,” he said casually to answer the question obvious in the air. He didn’t know Keane all that well but something about him had an air of regular homophobe. Maybe it was his obsession with war, particularly the Second World War. Joe knew never to trust those types of people.

“Right,” Keane said. He took the book and left with no more words. Joe decided to not think too much about it. If Andy were here she would probably make a joke he was trying to not call him a slur.

One lecture and a tutorial later, Nile’s head popped into his office. He gave her a smile as she walked in, falling into the armchair. “God, looks like we have to entail another alumni event.”

“Seriously?” Joe groaned, falling back into his seat. “I’d rather do anything but that.”

“Comes with the job I guess. And at least you can knock out our dear colleagues meeting Nicky.”

Fuck, yeah he’d have to do that too. He knew he would have to eventually but he still couldn’t stand the thought. He’d hoped Nicky would have found a job by the next work event just so he wouldn’t have to answer questions about his old job. He hadn’t applied to any PhD programs yet and he wasn’t sure when he would so he couldn’t even talk about that to avoid the question.

“Come on,” Nile said when his silence went on for too long. “It’s not that bad.”

“Oh no, it absolutely is. I really don’t want to be known as the guy who married an ex priest.”

“What happened to it being a great party story?”

“Now that it can be one I’ve realised it’s going to take a long time for me to laugh at it. Imagine if Merrick finds out?”

Nile’s lips formed a straight line. “Okay, that’s fair. Maybe talk to Nicky about if that will ever be something mentioned to people. You two have been mostly riding the newlyweds bliss, haven’t you?”

He sighed, falling further back into his seat. “He had to have been a priest and not some hot Italian philosopher I met by chance?”

“Guess so. You’re the one who made the decision to start fucking him.”

“I agreed because we fell in love. We wouldn’t be here if he didn’t tell me how he felt.”

“Ah, so Nicky seduced you. See, a story of a gay priest seducing someone who ends up being the love of his life is a great story to tell people.”

He threw a pen in her direction but still laughed. “Please don’t use that word. It’s a gross word.”

“But it does destroy racist homophobes interpretation of the situation.”

“Now that’s something I can live with.”

“But seriously,” she continued, her expression softening. “I know this whole thing isn’t easy for either of you. People get the wrong idea, people assume the wrong thing, they make awful conclusions. Even I’ll never fully get what you two went through. Or even partially. But don’t let assholes who don’t know what you two are to each other stop you. I know at the very least you two only started because of love.”

He let out a breath and stared at the ceiling. He’d been doing good at no longer feeling sorry for himself through all of this. He and Nicky were married and that was all that mattered anymore. Nicky’s life as a priest was behind him and it would become a footnote in a few years, hopefully at least. He wasn’t sure how true that could be when Nicky had spent sixteen years on that path.

Some days he thought about what would’ve happened if they had met through it all. If he had taken a chance holiday to Genoa and met Nicky while he was in seminary. Or if Nicky had gone to the UK to do his masters instead of the US and they had locked eyes in the library and it had been undeniable from there.

It was a mess of emotions and chances and what ifs. The cards they had been dealt were what they were and they worked with them as best they could. They got their happy ending and a new chapter together.

Just as long as he had Nicky, things were going to be okay.

“Thanks, Nile. And you’re right. You are right. I just… it’s still fresh I guess. It’s just also weird that people know about it too.”

“Mhm, but still, they’re not in this relationship, you are. And you have me, Andy, and Booker to call out anyone talking shit. You’re not alone in this and neither is Nicky.”

He gave her a thankful smile and nodded. “Yeah. We’re not. I guess all that’s left to do it get the worst parts over with, right?”

“No. You’ve already gone through the worst part. The rest should be cake.” She patted his hand and stood up, leaving him alone in his office.

He thought about her words, took a deep breath, and turned back to his computer to answer his emails.

* * *

Nicky was cooking when he got home from work. It was the usual sight of him at the stove and swinging his hips to music that blended with the sizzle of the pans.

Joe tossed his blazer onto the couch and kissed his husbands cheek as a greeting. “How was your day?”

“Good. Boring mostly, you?”

“Good. I taught mostly new students today. And had a tutorial with mostly third years so I at least knew those ones. Which also meant I got to tell them the big news.”

He snorted, stirring the sauce with a wooden spoon. “Any broken hearts the hot teacher is off the market?”

“I’m confused by what you mean, I was talking about one of my papers getting published into a journal.”

Nicky swatted his wooden spoon in his direction playfully.

“It’s funny you mention that though,” Joe said, resting his hip on the counter. “Andy always said that a lot of the students and faculty apparently had crushes on me. She said it was because I’m on the younger side for the students. Mostly the female ones obviously.”

He raised his brow. “How did your colleagues take that? As in around coworkers being interested?”

“It was brought up to me once by someone I do not like and I said the reason I’m gay is so they could have a chance.”

Keane had actually brought it up with an undertone of disdain. What Joe had actually wanted to tell him was that their colleagues weren’t interested in him because of his horrible personality. Something about Keane told him he would use ‘alpha male’ without a hint or irony.

“Strong words from a mostly celibate man,” Nicky smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

“Maybe I knew I was waiting for you, ever think about that? Clearly this is what God intended all along.”

Nicky just smiled and rolled his eyes. “Sure, Joe. Whatever you say.”

Joe just smiled back and went to get to work on what he had to do.

“So, I have another of those work alumni events coming up,” Joe said when they’d finished dinner. They’d moved to the couch and were flipping through Netflix looking for something to watch.

Nicky’s eyes were mostly focused on the TV as he searched through the selection. “Okay. Do you want me to come?”

“Yes. But I was thinking… people are going to ask what you do for work. I think we need to sort out what exactly you’ll say.”

Nicky turned his head to him. “I mean, we don’t have to tell people I was a priest. I know everyone has joked about it but I still feel weird about admitting to it. If I remember correctly, I took until the end of the night to even tell you I was a priest. I never really liked telling people when I was a priest to begin with. We can just avoid it unless it more necessary to mention than anything.”

He let out a breath of relief. “So what will you say instead?”

“I can just say I’m between jobs from moving. I doubt people would care enough to drill me. Sometimes it might have to come up I guess, I don’t want you to lie for me. I just don’t want to make a thing or anything of it. And I don’t want anyone to treat you horribly due to getting the wrong idea.”

“Hey,” he reached out and took his hand into his own. “I know what I got myself into. I don’t care if people do get the wrong idea and we don’t owe them the details of how we got here. I don’t care what people think because I still have you at the end of the day.”

Nicky smiled and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. Joe smiled, letting his head fall against his chest. “I’ll only bring it up if it’s necessary.” He kissed his head. “But we don’t have to worry about it for now.”

Joe hummed in agreement and Nicky finally settled on a movie.

* * *

Like every year, the university found a fancy hotel to hold the alumni fundraiser. Joe stayed around Andy, Quỳnh, Nile, Booker, and Adele like every year in the past few. It was the only way he could get through the night most of the time. He only attended to be a good professional even if he’d rather spend the night at home.

Nicky was in the midst of telling the others about Bruno starting kindergarten. Joe had had his own chance to spend more time with Bruno. He’d been trying to encourage him with his drawing since he could already see there was a certain passion within him he would be able to carry if he had the right motivation. Nicky had also apparently told him a while ago that he couldn’t get married so there had been a few questions to why he suddenly could marry Joe. Nicky had skated around the question, it wasn’t really something he would understand fully until he was older. Joe did kind of like that he was at least exposed to two men getting married at such a young age.

Nicky’s family as a whole had been welcoming. His extended family had left plenty of surprised comments on Facebook that Nicky will definitely have to deal with when he goes to Italy next month. He’d assured him it should be fine, if only because a lot of his family would rather that than him to remain a priest. Even if he had family who wanted him specifically to baptise and marry family members. Those who were supportive were mainly cousins who had lapsed a long time ago.

Joe’s own family was a mixture. His mother had asked him not to post and pictures until she and baba had told their parents and siblings. He hadn’t been there when it happened but they had told him that they weren’t exactly thrilled. When he did post the pictures he got plenty of messages from cousins in Tunisia congratulating him — a couple coming out to him themselves — and his grandparents and aunties and uncles telling him they still didn’t get it but said he looked happy either way. Joe wasn’t sure if they’d ever get it but at least they could see how happy he and Nicky were. Even if some of their comments were backhanded.

“I’m going to get more wine,” Joe said and squeezed Nicky’s hip before moving to the bar. Alcohol was mostly how he got through events like this. He’d probably be a few more drinks in if Nicky wasn’t there.

When he got to the bar he deflated. He immediately recognised the shape of The Weasel even from behind.

He did his best to ignore him as he asked the bartender for a glass of wine. Although Dr. Merrick clearly had his own game to play.

“Dr. al-Kaysani, so glad you could make tonight.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Merrick.”

“Heard you were recently married.”

The unfortunate thing about bored academics gossiping was that no matter how much you didn’t like a person, they would find out your business eventually. He’d expected this when Keane had found out, this meant Kozak knew as well.

“I did. Just over the summer. Nothing big, small ceremony.”

“Mhm. I don’t seem to recall you even being in a relationship to begin with.”

He shrugged, taking a sip of his wine. “I wouldn’t expect you to be completely up to date on my personal life.”

“Surely it doesn’t have to do with his old job.”

He almost spilt the wine onto himself and the floor when his head shot to look at him properly. A smirk crossed his face. “Oh, didn’t Keane tell you? He actually goes to the church your… husband used to minister at. Funny that, isn’t it?”

He gripped onto his wine glass, hard enough that if he didn’t relax in a moment he might break it. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Merrick.”

“Just thinking it isn’t a good look for you.”

He glared at him. “It is kind of unprofessional to gossip about colleagues in such a way. Like I said, it’s none of your business anyway and has no affect on my ability to be a professional.” He was pretty sure a public university couldn’t fire him for marrying someone who used to be a priest, that sounded like grounds for a lawsuit actually.

Merrick gave a wave of a hand. “Whatever you say, al-Kaysani. But I should say half the faculty might already know. You did choose the memorable, young, Italian priest from a church many of our staff and students attend.”

He frowned. Nicky had always been worried someone who recognised him would see them together but he did sometimes have doubts they were entirety warranted to the degree it was. Now it kind of made sense younger catholics who would still bother to practice would go to Nicky’s church if it was as progressive as he said it was.

Fuck. He should’ve thought about that a long time ago. Before Nicky even left the priesthood.

Then he reminded himself that they were married and no one could change that.

“Thanks for the concern but I think it’ll be fine. He’s not a priest anymore. Shouldn’t you be off breaking ethics codes anyway?”

With that, he turned on his heel and returned to his friends. And just because he knew Meririck was definitely watching, he slung his arm over Nicky’s shoulders and kissed his cheek.

Andy frowned. “Was Merrick harassing you?”

He shrugged. “Nothing new. But apparently Keane recognised Nicky from his church.” He said that in Nicky’s direction, who paled.

“Fuck, so at least three people know,” Booker said with genuine concern in his voice. “Asshole. Fucking asshole, who the hell does that?”

“It’s fine,” Nicky assured, letting out a shaky breath. “I knew it wouldn’t stay a secret. I just…” he looked at Joe. “I don’t want them to get the wrong idea or anything. Or think less of Joe.”

He couldn’t help himself, he kissed his forehead and pulled Nicky’s head into his shoulder. “I know. But we can’t control everything.”

“And if anyone talks shit, me, Andy, and Book will defend Joe’s honour,” Nile said with a small smile.

Andy nodded. “Yeah, I can tell people to shut the fuck up and they are likely to listen.”

Joe let himself smile, and intertwined his and Nicky’s fingers. “Apparently it is getting around though. At that point not much you can do. But thanks.”

As much as he wished damage control could be done, he kind of knew that he couldn’t control everything. He’d probably become known as the professor who married an ex priest before the semester ended. He could live with that as long as it didn’t overshadow his work. It was more for Nicky’s sake too. Nicky wanted to act like his past as a priest had never even happened, and for people to not ask him about it just to confirm rumours.

He just really hoped more than anything no one interpreted the situation as him forcing Nicky to do anything he hadn’t wanted to do. They knew he hadn’t, their friends and family could see it wasn’t that, which would be enough if people weren’t now talking about it as the latest gossip.

His best option was to shoot down any assumptions people made as quick as possible if they ever dared to bring it up around him.

“I need more wine,” Nicky muttered, detaching himself from Joe to walk to the bar. “If I see any former parishioners I’ll have to hide somewhere.”

Joe rolled his eyes affectionately. “Good luck with that. I’ll try to make sure none of the assholes trap you at the bar to grill you with weird and invasive questions.”

His husband gave a bright smile. “Please do, I hate confrontation.”

As Nicky left, he kept his eyes one him and one eye out for Merrick, Kozak, or Keane. It was the least he could do without just gluing himself to his side.

“It’ll probably be a few years before you guys really shake the priest thing then,” Quỳnh said. “People are nosy asses.”

“Yep,” Joe muttered, watching as Nicky got a glass of wine and turned his way back. “Nothing we can do about that unfortunately.”

Booker shrugged. “At least you have each other and all that, right?”

He watched Nicky as he walked back to them. His eyes stayed forward and his shoulders squared. In looked as if he was trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible. Joe had to stop himself from crossing the room and putting his arm around him, if just to be by his side faster.

The thing was, he knew Nicky’s past wasn’t going to be a long kept secret. That came with the decision they had made. When Nicky goes to Italy, even more people will know and they would make up a million opinions on the situation without knowing even the smallest detail.

No one, not even their friends really, would truly know about the pain and effort they had put themselves through. They wouldn’t know about their uncertainty of when it all started. Or the love they both felt for each other so quickly it felt like it was simply meant to happen to them. They wouldn't know and many wouldn’t care to know. On the outside, it was probably just a scandalous situation no different to an affair.

When Nicky was back to his side he remembered why he didn’t care about any of that.

Neither of them let onlookers hold back their affection for the rest of the night.


	26. Chapter 26

To his surprise, Marco was the one who picked Nicky up from the airport.

“Me and Cam are visiting,” he had explained after he took his suitcase from him and put it in the boot. “Thought I’d surprise you.”

Nicky smiled as he sat in the passenger seat. “Thanks. So I finally get to meet this girlfriend of yours?”

“Yeah. She’s excited to meet you, she feels bad for not being able to make the wedding. I don’t think she believed it was something actually happening until she saw the pictures.”

Nicky laughed. He was pretty sure almost no one believed the situation unless they had been told by himself or Joe. Which he had considered to be a fair assumption but he was starting to get sick of confirming it. Joe had told him his colleagues seemed to all know about it by now, some even barging into his office to find out for themselves. Not the most ideal situation but things could be worse.

“So how many rumours have gone on around me in town?” he asked. “Or has the news not been broken yet?” He knew news around here traveled fast, especially particularity scandalous ones. It was like a game of telephone, the news getting twisted into a million different ways after being retold until it held no resemblance to any version of the truth.

“Oh God no, I think everyone you knew in school knows by now. Thanks to Facebook, I’d assume. You saw how many pictures mama posted. Someone’s mother sees them, then they tell their kid, who tells their friends, who then tells theirs, and so on. Maybe avoid the church.”

He grimaced. “Yeah, I don’t need to deal with that priest I knew in seminary.”

He nudged hims with his elbow. “Don’t worry about that. You know you don’t owe those people anything. How’s the job hunting anyway?”

He snorted. “Haven’t done much of anything. I’m not sure what even going to do about work with Brexit. Joe was born there so I might just live on a partner visa, I absolutely don’t want to become a citizen. But work would be difficult.”

“Hm. Probably. Did you think of going back to school?”

“Yeah, I actually was. I’ve considered doing a PhD in philosophy. But I don’t know when I’ll apply. I’m not even sure if I could get in.” He knew it technically didn’t matter how long he’d been out of school but that didn’t mean he’d have an easy time finding a place that would take him. PhD programs were brutal enough and he’d been out of school for years now.

“Give it a few years. Your theology degrees would be on your side.”

He definitely hoped so. Joe had helped him look into jobs he could even do with his degree that wasn’t teaching religion and the only thing he could really find was being a social worker. That would be appealing if Nicky hadn’t felt grossly unqualified. He had always liked teaching as a practice, and he did see himself eventually teaching philosophy. It was the most appealing option of any he could realistically do right now.

Joe had insisted that he could cover the costs for both of them and Nicky could keep his savings for luxuries until he’d found a job, even until he had gotten his PhD. He’d said yes for now, only because his savings weren’t going to last him very long and he had plans on finding a job. He wasn’t sure how to bring up money to him without making it clear he was terrified of Joe seeing him as a burden and regret marrying him at all.

His mother greeted him at the door with a hug. Marco introduced him to his girlfriend, Cam. She spoke heavily accented Italian.

“It’s so great to finally get to meet you, Nicolò! I do apologise for being too busy with my work and taking this long,” Cam said, handing him a cup of coffee as they sat on the couch.

“It’s nice to meet you too. I was almost convinced Marco had just made you up,” he said, giving a teasing look towards Marco.

“Mhm. I heard you got married recently, I definitely thought Marco had made that up. But I also thought he had made up you being a priest. Congratulations by the way.”

He smiled. “Thanks. It’s honestly still hard to believe myself sometimes.”

“I’d bet! It’s a good story.” Her smile was so bright and entirely infectious. “What does your husband do?”

“Uni professor. In art history. He also does some art on the side. I’m probably going to go home to paintbrushes all over his— our flat.” Joe had a bad habit of getting so lost in painting he forgot to clean up after himself until Nicky reminded him. Ramla said it was nothing new and she had stepped on enough paintbrushes to last a lifetime.

“Next time we’re in the UK you should take us to that gallery that has his painting,” Marco said as he sat next to her with his arm slung over her shoulders.

“Funnily enough that’s where we met,” Nicky said. “It has a lot of local art so it won’t be as interesting the the Louve.”

“No way, I love local art. Rome over-saturates itself with things so old they should probably be restored soon. Speaking of Rome— you should come visit next time you can with Joe. We’ve already bothered you two enough in the UK.”

“To be fair, you didn’t know we were dating when you met him so maybe just count the wedding.”

“No, I’m counting both. Although you two coming to Rome would make up for it. I didn’t have a chance to ask the proper kinds of questions.”

He lightly swatted his shoulder and rolled his eyes. Nicky was just thankful this wasn’t a repeat of Nathan. While neither of them had liked Nathan, Marco had asked a million questions of him. Nicky had guessed he was distrustful of British people, which Joe probably wasn’t counted in since his parents from Tunisia.

“Well at least you can’t scare him off now that we’re married,” he shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee.

They talked for a while after that. Marco and Cam talked about their work and a little on how they had met. Which wasn’t too exciting, they both had management positions.

“We have an office in the UK, I could get you something there,” Cam said. “You’re between jobs, right?”

“Oh. Uh, yes. But no thanks. I don’t want to be known as that guy who got a job because of his brother’s girlfriend,” he said honestly. Maybe it was partially his pride but he was the one who left his job, he had to pick himself up and not get a job through sheer nepotism.

“Are you sure?” Marco asked. “It’ll be entry level anyway, nothing big. And I doubt people will know.”

“Can you even put ‘former priest’ on a CV anyway?” Cam asked, sounding genuinely curious.

He snorted. “Wouldn’t get me a job making coffee at least.”

“Please don’t force yourself to get a job making coffee for British people, that’s the one thing I ask,” Marco said. “Joe earns a lot right? He’s okay with supporting the both of you right? At least until you get some kind of job?”

“He already is but I feel bad about it. I’m gonna make him let me pay half the rent and groceries when I’m earning enough. The only reason I’m not right now is because he doesn’t want me to eat through my savings like that. Maybe I’d find a job as a waiter or something. I could be a waiter for a while.”

“You are probably someone with the patience for service jobs,” Marco said. “Or a bartender! You could get a quick license in that.”

He laughed at the thought of him as a bartender. “I don’t know. It’s something but I don’t think I’d want to put int the effort to learn how to make drinks.”

Marco shrugged. “Could still try. Offers is still up. Especially if you decide to not go back to school.”

He smiled, despite everything. In hindsight, he probably should’ve thought more about the job area before quitting officially, instead of being caught up in the euphoria of choosing Joe above everything else. Maybe he should try applying for PhD programs right now…

“I made a mess of my life, it’s my job to figure things out,” he shrugged. Because really, all he could realistically do was find a service job before securing something after his PhD. If he even got into the program to begin with, he couldn’t go back to do a bachelor in something else entirely.

Cam gave a wave of her hand. “You’ve got time to figure it out,” she said. “No need to rush if you don’t have rent and groceries to worry about.”

He decided against saying that after all the pain he put Joe through, asking him to provide for him that long wouldn’t be fair.

Mama asked him and Marco to go into town to buy some fresh tomatoes since she was starting to run out. They walked to the shop from the house together, mostly in silence.

It was really nice to be home. It hadn’t changed at all in the time he had been gone. Even if the last time he had been there was for Christmas. He could already see that no matter how long he lived in the UK, Italy would always be home. Maybe one day he could convince Joe to move here. His Italian was good enough to have no difficulty getting by.

“So what is married life like?” Marco asked when they were about halfway there. They passed some girls playing hopscotch on the footpath.

“It’s nice. I guess it’s nice to completely hide it anymore. His friends no longer hate me.” He could easily see Joe’s friends as his own at that point. He wasn’t just some priest Joe had decided to have an affair with for some cheap, self destructive thrill to them anymore. Nicky sometimes wondered if his friends had even known about Joe’s disdain for casual sex to the degree it was. He’d asked Joe about it recently and he shrugged, telling him that they knew enough but he’d never divulged into the details of being able to count the times he’d had sex on on one hand.

“That would help,” Marco agreed. “I’m just glad you got yourself out of it.”

His eyes down-casted. “I sometimes wish I never got myself in it at all. It was a stupid decision.”

He nudged him with his elbow. “I know but now you can just forget about it. Even if some of our aunties still wanted you to baptise their grandchildren or marry our cousins.”

“I’m pretty sure they accepted that wouldn’t have happened anymore when I moved in with Maria.”

He shrugged. “Guess so. Speaking of, I saw our cousin Gia the other day, back in Rome. She wanted to know more of the details. Like what came first in it all.”

“What came first?”

“If you had quit then met Joe or if you met Joe then quit. Not speaking of what would’ve happened in between.”

He rolled his eyes, keeping his eyes ahead. “Well, you know I quit after I met Joe but I’m not going to discuss the details with you.”

He slapped his shoulder playfully. “Gross. Of course I wouldn’t ask that. But she seemed really happy about it. We both thought you joining the church was stupid.”

“Yes, I know; Catholic church evil. But you know, no need to worry anymore. I’m out and that’s what matters in the end.”

He nodded. “Did you ever think you’d quit it all? Even before Joe.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Honestly? I don’t know. There could’ve been another Joe for all I know. It wasn’t even particularly Joe. Not wholly. I left for myself, Joe was just a part of the decision. I just needed a really good reason to quit.”

“But if you didn’t meet him you’d still be in it?”

“Yeah, probably. For God knows how long. For all we know I could’ve become a bishop who got caught in a huge scandal with another man.”

“Possibly another bishop,” he teased playfully. “But you and Joe are happy, right?”

“Of course. I’ve never doubted how I feel about him. I guess I was just scared that universe was playing a trick on me. I’m surprised he even stayed for as long as he did.”

He smiled at him and squeezed his shoulder. “He’s in my good books if he waited that long for you. You seem so much happier now.”

“I feel a lot happier too.”

They turned into the shop. They had grown up going there, taking the exact route to buy mama what she’d needed. There was a smell in it that just didn’t exist in the closest Tesco or Asda. It felt entirely local and not with the shadow of something corporate.

They shopped in mostly silence, picking up the tomatoes as mama had asked. As they were, a woman by the pasta was looking directly at him.

He froze. He recognised her as one of the parishioners at the church he’d ministered at.

_Fuck me._

“Father Nicolò! I didn’t know you were in town,” she said, going around the display of varying sauces to stand across him over the vegetables. “We’ve missed you at church.”

Marco had to tap his foot against his ankle to bring him back to reality. “Right. Well, I’m not here for long. Just visiting family and getting the last of my things to take back to the UK.”

“Oh right, you were living with your sister. It is such a shame she couldn’t hold onto her husband.”

From the corner of his eye he saw Marco glare at her. Nicky tried to keep his face blank. “Uh, I don’t think it’s her fault her ex-husband left,” he said, trying to choose his words carefully even though he was pretty sure this woman fell into the group of Catholics who thought one was always married in the eyes of God until death. She would really hate his life choices if she’d found them out. Whichever varying issue with Joe she’d had. “And, you know, God never gives us more than we can handle. I don’t think she’s done anything wrong.”

“Hm. Well, women nowadays can’t even keep their husbands around. Or worse, they become lesbians.” She actually, visibly, gagged when she said the word ‘lesbian’.

Marco’s expression hardened more as Nicky kept his calm. He had to make an excuse now before he said something that would guarantee his old church knowing and not just the chance from his mother positing the pictures at the wedding.

“God makes us as we are,” he said flatly and turned away from her, taking the tomatoes to the counter. Marco followed immediately, probably trying to not yell at the woman in the middle of the shop himself. Nicky was surprised he himself had even kept his composure for that long.

When they were finally on their way home, narrowly avoiding the woman, Nicky’s shoulders relaxed.

“Shit,” Marco muttered. “Do you have to deal with that a lot?”

He huffed. “Kind of. Those people just know I left to marry Joe. It wouldn’t have been better if I’d married a woman but because I married a man…” he trailed off, clutching onto the paper bag of tomatoes. “People like to make their own conclusions. Even you might suspect Joe was the one to convince me.”

Marco gaped at him. “What? No! I don’t know the details but I never assumed that.”

“What do you assume then?”

“That you two just fell in love. On your own. Joe doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would just go and coerce you away from the priesthood or anything like that. I mean… the way you two look at each other is proof enough of that. I don’t need to know the details but I can tell there’s nothing there but love. Fuck what assholes assume. You’re not responsible for what they think.”

He looked at his brother for a few moments and swallowed. “It’s just exhausting. I don’t regret it for a second but that doesn’t mean people’s perceptions don’t get tiring.”

He nodded. “I get that. But soon enough, being a priest will just be a dot in your life. And you and Joe will be living your best life together happier than anyone else. You deserve someone who loved you to wait for you. And you got that.”

He took a breath and smiled. “You’re right. I just… I need to remember other people’s opinions don’t matter. I have Joe and I didn’t think we’d ever get where we are. That’s what matters.”

“Exactly. Now lets get our asses home before mama yells at us.”

* * *

He flew back to the UK a week later. That week was full of spending time with family and confirming to his cousins in person that yes, he’d left the priesthood entirely, and yes, he had married a man. It was surreal to get to say it aloud and be met with huge hugs that told him what and idiot he had been to join in the first place, and that he definitely had to bring Joe for Christmas that year for the chance to meet him. Good thing they had already planned to go for Christmas, his cousins already seemed ready to find every small detail about Joe and what was so special about him for Nicky to leave the confines of the church.

Marco and Cam’s offer to allow him to work in the UK office of their company still stood but Nicky rejected. It was a sweet gesture but nepotism just never sat right with him. Maybe all he could really get was a job as a waiter or in retail. He’d called Joe for his suggestion who bluntly told him that customer service jobs would be a pretty dumb idea if he really wanted to cover half of their living costs. That had teetered onto a fight. Joe had started to insist that he could pay for everything for as long as they needed, leading to Nicky’s own pride start to bubble to the surface.

He had to just swallow that pride and apply for a service job, even if his CV would be thrown out when it showed his total of zero work experience. He should probably put former priest on his CV, even if he had to look a hiring manager right in the eye and explain why he had quit. Maybe he could casually say ‘yes’ when asked and put his hand to his face so his ring was visible. Hopefully that would stop any sort of questions.

Joe hadn’t been able to pick him up from the airport so he was met with Nile to toss the last of his belongings into her car.

“A waiter?” she asked as they turned onto the freeway. She was playing an artist he didn’t recognise through Spotify, the music soothing him as it played from the car speakers “I don’t know if you’d be good at that, Nicky. I thought Joe was fine with covering rent and groceries and whatnot?”

He didn’t feel like explaining himself again so he just grunted.

“You’d make a great philosophy professor though. You were always really into your ethics classes,” she continued. “And I can help you with coffee while you’re writing your thesis. Joe won’t have to handle all of it on his own.”

He let out a breathy laugh. “People keep telling me I’m going to go crazy and they all seem to be academics.”

She tapped his shoulder with her fist. “Who would know better?” she teased with a light tone. “But really, I know you don’t want to feel like a freeloader but why put yourself through the stress of finding a job, especially a service job like that, if Joe’s fine with it all?”

He was silent for a few moments before he sighed. “Sometimes it all feels too good to be true. That he waited this long for me after I hurt him for so many months, that he wanted to marry me, that I have him like this. I worry that he’s going to regret it if I become a burden.”

She couldn’t completely look at him so her eyes flickered to him for a second. “You’re not a burden and he wouldn’t see you like that. And he wouldn’t hate you just because he’s paying for rent and some more groceries. He can afford it and he’s done it alone this long.”

“But he probably at least thought I’d be able to support my half! I even offered to just use my savings but he insisted that I shouldn’t. He didn’t want me to eat through it so quickly.”

“Shouldn’t that be a good sign? I mean, that tells me he’s more than okay with paying. Is this a pride thing?”

He clenched his jaw. “Maybe.”

“God, you’re the worst sometimes. If you really want to find a job then try that. But please don’t let money make you doubt your decision.”

“I’m not doubting or anything like that. I’m just worried it will cause him doubt.”

“Maybe tell Joe that,” she said and turned off the freeway. “And don’t listen to me. Get a crappy retail or restaurant job if you want, they build character. Just don’t beat yourself down if you don’t find one.”

He went silent.

Yeah, he and Joe really needed to talk about that. They’d mostly been living on the newlywed bliss and sheer joy they were finally together fully. He really couldn’t get mad at Joe for wanting to support them both. That had lead him to making big dinners like an honest to God housewife. He wanted to make it up to him for being at home all day doing nothing.

“Do you think you could take me to the university?”

* * *

Nicky was sitting on the comfortable chair when Joe came back to his office.

He stood in the doorway for a few moment, staring at him like he wasn’t sure if Nicky was really there.

Nicky smiled at him. “Hi.”

He blinked for a few moments. “Hey. I thought you were going straight home.” He kicked the door closed and walked to him, bending down to kiss him before going around his desk.

“I was. But I think we need to talk while you have the time. When’s your next class?”

“Another hour… what did you want to talk about?”

He crossed his legs and leaned forward. “The money thing.”

Joe didn’t hold back his groan. “I really don’t want to talk about the money thing. We’ve already talked about it actually.”

“No, you just refused to listen to me. Joe, I know you can afford everything even with me but it’s not about that. It’s about me. I was the one who decided to quit my job. I made those decisions for myself. But I need you to get that I need to be in the real word for a bit. To know what’s it even like to pay for rent. I haven’t had a job that isn’t being a priest at all. I need a job, even if I can only get a job stocking shelves at Tesco. More than anything, I can’t be a burden on you.”

“Nicky, you are _not_ a burden and you never will be,” he sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I really am okay with paying for things for both of us.”

“Well _I’m_ not. I can’t just make it up to you with dinner and blowjobs.”

“It’s actually a great exchange.”

_“Yusuf.”_

That made Joe flinch. It took Nicky a moment to realise it was the first time he’d used his first name in a negative way. He took a deep breath. “Love, I get you want to but I just can’t. I don’t want you to ever resent me.”

Joe gaped at him for a moment and stood up from his chair. He walked to him and knelt in front of him. He cradled his face in his hands. “I could never resent you, lets get that out of the way. I’m the one who sometimes gets worried you’d regret you gave up your whole life just for me. I’m nothing special, just a guy dumb enough to fall in love with the most incredible man when he’d promised himself to God.” He touched their foreheads together in a brief moment. Nicky felt himself relax, falling easily into his touch.

“I could never regret you, Yusuf. Never. I could never regret the best thing that has ever happened to me.” His voice was small, a few octaves to high and his accent heavier than ever. “I’m just terrified of being a burden.”

He looked him in the eye, intertwining their fingers. “You’d never be one.” He touched their lips together in a soft kiss. “Okay, get a job if you want but don’t beat yourself up over it if you can’t find one. You’ll get your PhD and be the best philosophy professor out there.”

He nodded. “Okay. We can do this. I’ll get a shitty job where I complain to you about customers afterwards and go insane while doing my PhD. And you will make me feel better by cooking me dinner every night.”

Joe grinned. “Exactly! We can do this, together. But we need to tell each other when there are issues. If you get overwhelmed with work then you need to tell me. If you can’t balance your PhD and work, then you need to know I would be more than okay with covering everything. Also, you don’t need to agonise if you can’t make half the rent either. We’re a team, okay?”

He nodded and kissed his head, buying his face in his curls. “We’re a team,” he echoed In that moment, he knew their future was going to be perfectly okay as long as they kept those promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only an epilgoue after this. Hope you guys enjoy it!


	27. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter time! Decided to get it out early, hope you all enjoy.

_Two years later_

Joe left his lecture feeling mostly bleary. It was his last for the day but he couldn’t go home yet. Nicky was still locked up in the library.

It hadn’t been a plan per se for Nicky do his PhD at the same university Joe worked at. It hadn’t even been his top choice of institution. But the only other uni he was accepted in was a long trip by transit and it made sense to just travel together. Nicky hadn’t had time to get his UK license yet now that he could no longer use his Italian one. He also couldn’t afford a car quite yet and if there was one thing Nicky wasn’t going to let him do was buy him a car. Joe didn’t mind driving them everywhere anyway.

Most days he went straight to his office while he waited for Nicky to finish for the day and meet him there. If only to avoid prying eyes of the administration and students alike.

Today he decided to meet him with coffee. In the past two years, his own snobbery had lessened enough he’d willing drunk what you could get from cafés.

It took a while to get to the library as he was stopped a few times by colleagues or students. Final assessments were a stressful time for everyone and his inbox always had new emails coming in that he could barely keep up.

He found Nicky at a table. It wasn’t quite in the silent area so there were conversations in politely hushed volumes.

Nicky smiled up at him and Joe pulled into the chair next to him, placing a kiss to his cheek.

“Careful, don’t need anymore to think you’re engaging in inappropriate relationships with a student,” Nicky teased, happily taking the coffee Joe had brought for him. “How was your day?”

He yawned, taking a sip of his own coffee. “Ask me when we get home. I’m still in work mode.”

Nicky smiled and his eyes subtly flickered towards a nearby table. It was his subtle way to tell him to look in that direction. They’d gotten good at things like that lately.

He followed his gave as subtly as he could and saw some colleagues from the humanities department whispering amongst themselves. He didn’t know them well and didn’t recognise one of them at all. Although it was obvious they were most definitely talking about Joe with how tense they looked.

He turned back to Nicky. “What did they say,” he said quietly, switching to Tunisan Darja. Nicky’s Darja had vastly improved thanks to his and Ramla’s help. Although his accent was still incredibly obvious.

“One of them is new and they were talking about people in the department. You came up and then another mentioned this rumour that your dear old husband used to be a priest.”

Joe tried not to visibly gape. That gossip never got completely kicked, probably because it was true. They had both long ago decided that if they were asked about it, they would just say yes. It was better than lying. The more time that went on the less of a big deal it would be. Although Ramla did show him a tweet that was replying to something that asked people what was a rumour that turned out to be true at your school or university. A grad student replied with ‘one of the professors, a man, married an ex priest’. It had gotten far too many likes and from what he could tell from the replies, people had found it funny. Or they just hadn’t believed the person.

He couldn’t wait until he was someone who could laugh about it too.

“Well, that would be quite shocking, wouldn’t it,” he said, keeping his tone even.

“Very. Quite a scandal you coerced a sweet, innocent Catholic into the evils of homosexuality.”

Joe had to cough so he wouldn’t burst into laughter. When he composed himself, he glanced back at the group who acted like he wasn’t even there. They could definitely tell they were talking about them, especially if they knew Nicky had heard their conversation.

“I was ready to go, amore,” Nicky said, switching to English. “Were you making dinner or were we getting takeaway?”

“I’m cooking, yeah,” he said as he helped him gather his things. “Which means it’s your turn to do dishes.”

He gave a dramatic sigh. “Worst part.” He gave him a smile and they left the library together. First though, Joe had to stop by his office to get some papers he needed to grade.

Most people knew by now that they were married. He was friendly with the woman supervising Nicky’s thesis. Although she had found out they were married by seeing Nicky kiss his cheek before he stepped into his office. She had barged in to demanded answers. That was also how he had found out she was his PhD supervisor. That was also had she had found out Nicky had once been a priest since she seemed to join in on workplace gossip.

As he went to get his papers from the cabinet, Nicky said, “It doesn’t bother you? That people still talk about it?”

He looked over his shoulder. “No. Who cares? Maybe it did at first but it’s becoming funny how obsessed people can be about it.”

Nicky relaxed and smiled. It had been a while since they’d been in a situation like that. He could imagine Nicky had gone stiff when he’d overheard the conversation. It would probably take even more time before the hushed whispers behind their backs would roll off of either of them completely. Joe had accepted that even if they had known the love had came first and Nicky was the one to really initiate it all, it wouldn’t matter. The details weren’t important to most people, even the ones who thought it was funny.

“How early do you start work tomorrow? Andy wants to go out drinking,” he asked once they were in their car, pulling out of the staff carpark.

He groaned. “I open tomorrow. Would rather stay home and we can go out tomorrow,” Nicky said.

It had taken a few months but Nicky did secure a job at a café that was walking distance from home. He’d started as a casual and worked his way up to a manager role. He worked weekends mostly and days during the week he could fit into his schedule. It was another way they were making things work. Nicky had only started his PhD that year after working at the café for less than one year.

It was clearly weighing on him but no different than any other PhD student with a part-time job. Nicky had showed no signs of wanting to quit before he had his doctorate in his hands.

“Okay, we can catch up on the show we’re watching instead,” Joe smiled and kissed his cheek when they stopped at a traffic light.

Nicky beamed back at him. “Perfect.”

* * *

“Good morning, Nicky.”

Nicky popped his head up from under the counter and saw his coworker Emily walking into the café. Her purple hair was peaking out from under the cap for their uniform.

He smiled at her. He was happy to see she was on the roster with him today. “’Morning. Good to see you.”

“You too. How’s things?”

“Okay. I think Joe’s close to begging me to quit just to focus on my PhD.” It was half a joke. He knew that was what Joe would prefer but Joe also knew that was a hopeless request. That and Nicky didn’t want to have arguments about money ever again.

“Remind me why you’re married to a tenured university professor and you still decided to work in a British café? Especially as an Italian?”

“I wanted to give British people decent espresso. Always was my dream.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Okay Nicky. As for me, I’m good. And Jen is handling her masters okay.”

Jen, Emily’s girlfriend, was doing her masters at the university Joe worked at in Art History. She became one of Joe’s TA’s and not longer after, Jen realised The Husband Joe would mention was Nicky.

That was also how Emily had found out about his former priest status. Jen had told her about the gossip around Joe before she knew Nicky was Joe’s husband.

He hadn’t been planning on telling her or anyone at work other than who saw his CV. He didn’t go around announcing it himself and had found creative ways to avoid it entirely. Although it wasn’t always achievable and both Jen and Emily didn’t ask him about it. Jen herself was a lapsed Catholic so she kind of enjoy the fact. She at least was able to keep it to herself and no tell everyone at work.

Work had also became a space where he was able to be open about his sexuality, and right now the only space without ties to Joe and being a former priest. It was refreshing in most ways. He and a few other queer coworkers wore rainbow pins last pride month. It was little things like that that helped the small areas where his sexuality was still a struggle. Part of him knew he needed to accept that part that was separate from Joe and he’d gotten even further along over the past two years. Maybe he’d never shake off his Catholic guilt completely, even if he’d found ways to shake off the religion, but finding ways to be okay with himself came easier everyday.

Nowadays he didn’t think about religion much at all. He tried not to at least. He wouldn’t go as far as to say he didn’t believe in God anymore, but his faith in the church had burnt out when he could see it from a far enough perspective. He hadn’t put in the time to find a different church quite yet, if there was even one where he would feel comfortable with his rocky views.

He had brought it up to Joe if only to get a better understanding on how he even perceived God after growing up Muslim. He’d only shrugged and told him it was too complicated.

“I don’t know if I can ever cut the Muslim part out of my life even without practicing anymore. I still believe in God and I’d still swear on a Quran if I was in a situation to be under oath but it’s still not so straightforward for me. I’m sometimes not sure where the religion stops and the culture from Tunisia starts for me sometimes,” he had explained one night.

That hadn’t helped Nicky figure out his own stance. He still believed Jesus had died for all of their sins, he believed Jesus was God in the flesh. He couldn’t let those parts go so easily simply because he’d left the church for good. Joe had earnestly told him that he didn’t have to worry too much about it, practicing wasn’t the only way to participate in a religion. It had helped in the end but every Sunday felt strange without being inside a church.

Right now his best option was to keeping his eyes ahead and focus on what he wanted now.

He worked through the day, things going mostly good other than a customer asking if he was sure he knew how to make espresso properly. He finished at five that day, Joe coming to drive him straight to the bar to meet their friends. It was the same gay bar that Nicky had first been to when Booker, Andy, and Quỳnh were happy to make peace with him.

It was a normal night of drinks mixed with apologies of missing the previous day. Andy and Quỳnh talked about how IVF had been going, Booker talked about his kids growing up too soon, Nile talked about her new girlfriend she was sure would work out this time, and Nicky showed pictures of Bruno in his school uniform and how he was already too big for what Maria had bought when he’d started. They asked about Maria’s new boyfriend who Nicky had yet to warm up to out of old habits. They asked how his PhD was going too, which he was happy to respond with the fact he didn’t hate his entire first draft quite yet.

They didn’t stay late since Nicky started in the later morning at work the next day. They let the others enjoy the rest of their weekend without them.

When they arrived home and settled on the couch, Fettuccine curling into Nicky’s side to knead his chest. It was been Nicky’s idea to get a cat for no other reason than he’d always really wanted one. Fettuccine loved them both and they loved her.

Joe played with his hair as they relaxed into each other. Things were still on the crazy side yet the stability was so close that Nicky was starting to find it difficult to believe. By the time he was in his forties his old life would just be a part that didn’t matter and no one knew about out of sheer unimportance. Even the people who went to his church didn’t seem to care if they ever locked eyes in Tesco. Some had even walked up to him to make friendly conversation, none asking of the rumours and allowing Nicky to offer the information willingly.

Maybe it would take longer on Joe’s side of his work life, yet even then things are better. People didn’t stare at events anymore. They were just another unimportant spec in the room.

They had gone to Tunisia last summer so Nicky could meet his side of the family. Joe had met his own over Christmas the previous year of then, who surprised him in not asking Joe outright rude or invasive questions. Joe’s had been the same. Joe had had his own worries that were cooled by Karim telling him their family wasn’t going to call the police to come and arrest him, which did seem to calm him down. Nicky decided against asking Karim if he’d meant it as genuine comfort or a joke.

Joe’s grandparents had been kind to him and Joe. Later, Joe’s mother had sighed, expressing she thought that they were coming around to the news. In between those worries, Joe had introduced him to his cousins, including the queer ones that made Nicky wonder if any of his own cousins were hiding anything from him.

Life had been better for a long time and Nicky knew with no doubt that this had been the best decision of his life.

Soft lips touched his head. “What are you thinking about?”

He fiddled with the fingers that Joe had in Fettuccine’s fur. “Just about how much I love you. The usual things.”

He could picture Joe’s soft smile as he pulled him closer. “Me too. You want to sleep here? I don’t really feel like moving.”

“Me either,” he said, as his body relaxed even more.

He let himself fall asleep against his husband like that as their cat fell asleep on his chest, wondering how he had been afforded this kind of happiness.

_fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... that's it. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this story. I kept going back and forth in if I'd even write this. I'm so happy I did and I'm really grateful for all your wonderful feedback. I'm so happy with how this story turned out and hope I did this concept justice. 
> 
> Again, big thanks to everyone for ready. Stay safe.


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